Thursday, August 24, 2006

WWE Summerslam 06: How would you book it?

The biggest party of the summer. That had to have been backstage where the new "divas" initiation was first finding Viscera's dick, and then sucking McMahons' while he laughed at last week's TNA PPV, which was playing in Hogan's dressing room, where he was booking himself to steal the title at the end of the show from Edge, who was beating Lita's titties off of a metal ladder in the utility room, where Eugene was crying himself to sleep on Sabu's new home, which RVD was smoking pot in, which HBK was chastising while looking at HHH's ass, as he was firing William Regal for punching him too hard, who was doing crack and heroin at the same time in two different orifices, and Finlay's leprecauhn laughed as he fucked the new diva's dirthole while eating nachos from Mae Young's cleavage. Now that's a party.

1 Chavo Guerrrero v. Rey Mysterio- 4
What Happened: A decent match featuring a sagging Vickie Guerrero. I hate this whole angle. These two can have great matches; they don't need this shit.
WWJD: They would've made up before the match, announced they were doing the match to honor Eddie and they were never going to mention him in storyline again. And then they would tell the script writers to suck their juevos.

2 Big Show v. Sabu-2
What Happened: Show retained in a match that resembled a drunken family picnic gone wrong. It was a table breaking display that featured a few stiff chair shots by Sabu
WWJD: Show goes over still, but less garbage. I would've kept it short and sweet, and hopefully stiff. Next time Sabu botches a spot during it and breaks character mid-spot, he has to join the McMahon kiss ass club with barb wire.

3 Randy Orton v. Hulk Hogan-2
What Happened: Hogan hobbled around the ring and performed the very minimum required of him. Orton hit one nice dropkick before Hogan went over.
WWJD: Crucified Hogan, just kidding, but Orton would've won, much to the dismay of the bi-partisan Hogan crowd. Hogan looked like he got an ass-cial on his head.

4 Ric Flair v. Mick Foley-7 What Happened: These guys had one more run at a big time marquee match. It was memorable and very violent. They both showed that it takes guts to get glory, and they are both more talented than half of the WWE roster.
WWJD: I thought a Foley win would be nice for him, although I couldn't see Flair giving up. I didn't like the way Foley did either, and would've liked to seen it given more time, but it takes it's place among brutal WWE encounters.

5 Booker T v. Batista-2
What Happened: Both men bumped awkwardly for each other, and Batista eats up precious TV time that could be given to any slutty, big breasted Diva that had about as much talent. And I bet she could execute a decent powerbomb.
WWJD: Booker defiinitley deserved to win, not a DQ finish. I used to be a fan of the character of Dave Batista, the nice guy who was strong and muscular, but he has no fan base left and let's face it, the guy couldn't wrestle his way out of a wet paper bag. And could somebody show him how to do a fucking powerbomb! Learn your god damned finish before you make it to PPV! Please

6 McMahons v. D-X-2
What Happened: A lot of interference, not as much blood, or weapons as I expected and a much lower grade than usual.
WWJD: DX, in concept is a great idea and was really cutting edge in it's day. I think it has a market to get over now as well, but there's nothing on RAW for either of them to do as a unit. The McMahon feud is running it's course, and frankly anything that puts the McMahon's on my TV, I'm going to hate it. So, yeah, I would have put DX over, but they need to find a new hobby, like not using up one-third of the segments on RAW

7 Edge v. John Cena-6
What Happened: You may be surprised by my grade, but they pulled off a really good match. This is the only match that went above my expectations. The finish was good and the heat for it was intense. Cena was being booed for the beginning of the match, but his fans picked up. WWJD: I would've had Cena winning, but after watching it, I actually think they did the right thing. Cena was not as over in his hometown as I would've thought, and Edge kept him inside his limits. I enjoyed the match as most of their other ones, but it wasn't exceptional and as far as the marquee PPV #2, could have delivered a lot more.

Feel free (if anyone is reading) to send your How would you Book it? To me, Brian, or Adam of any show that we review (I didn't really ask them if they would care, but I'm guessing they would find it interesting) and keep on fighting the good fight (or turning the channel when the Diva Search is on; it's all the same pot of chili)

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