Sunday, August 6, 2006

WWE Royal Rumble 2006

A classic event featuring one of the most unique matches in the history of wrestling. Usually a scant undercard, so let's see how this one stacked up.

1 Finlay v. Brian Kendrick- 1- a brutal beating, a mugging, a quick, jaunty escapade of violent interaction. Kendrick sold decently

2 Cruiserweight Scramble Match- 5- a match that featured a willing and excited jamie knoble, a bland, alcholic binge Kid Kash, an eccentric Paul London, a hair thinning Scotty 2 Hotty, a pre-pubescent Sex and the City fanclub member Gregory Helms, and a Funaki. It was given a little time, and they did what they could with it, with a dull finish, but they had some good high spots.

3 Ashley v. Mickie James-0- Ugh!(to quote Charlie Brown) This was wretched! It fell apart before it ever began. Trish was the ref who looked like a zebra prostitute and added nothing to this match. Mickie wasn't trying to hold Ashley in place and she was allowed to botch almost everything she tried. I would usually never give a match a zero if it went a little bit and the athletes tried a few things, but this match went nearly eight minutes and it was scarier than hearing Star Jones wanted to do a nude scene.

4 JBL v. Boogeyman- 0- JBL was plowed through like a porn star in this match. Both mens punches were lack luster and it ended very quickly. I'm glad he's a jobber, of course, now he's an annoucner. I just wish he'd leave my TV.

5 Royal Rumble Match- 5- This was one of the more disappointing ones in a long time. Rey jr. was the winner and lasted through the whole thing, but he didn't do a damn thing the whole time. He laid in corners getting beat on, then getting up for elimination or high spots, like a damned stunt double. HHH also lasted through the whole rumble and he was just as unmemorable. Also, at least three or four people came in and were thrown right out, and we're not talking about the Bushwhackers; I'm talking about Ric Flair, Booker T, and Shawn Micheals. Some of the MVP's of the Rumble were Chris Benoit and Joey Mercury. They both lasted a while, and didn't slop around in a corner or lay on their ass, there were slugging people in the face the whole time. A huge disappointment. I would've have rather gotten an ass-cial.

6 Edge v. John Cena- 5- Cena looked like he just arrived at the Tom and Katie wedding in what Joey Styles quoted as saying "some kind of spaceship." I think he arrived from the planet Midcard. Anyways, no matter what I say about Cena, he gets heat. I'm talking Rottweitler in heat. The crowd was pretty buzzed for the match, but it was kept very basic, with no big risks. That was the negative side about it. I mean, Cena vs. HHH in the main event at Wrestlemania where the crowd was absolutely out of their minds crazy about the match works when the action in the ring isn't exactly "innovative." But, Royal Rumble crowd where the show has been pretty un-freaking-spectacular, i would think the intensity would be turned up a level. and Lita looked like a whore. so she looked like Lita.

7 Kurt Angle v. Mark Henry-4- Angle's worst PPV match. It was like all the spots from a twenty minute classic squeezed into a seven minute match with no heat and bad false finishes. Henry was just happy to have his tights on, and not in a seedy motel room with a plate of Chinese and surfing a self-masturbation chat room onthe Web. Then, there's the whole silly Undertaker entrance at the end. Ed Wood would've winced at the production values. Then, he would've put on a dress.

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