Saturday, July 20, 2013

TNA One Night Only: Hardcore Justice 2

1. New Church vs. Latin American Xchange - Street Fight - 3
2. Jackie Moore vs. ODB - No DQ Match - 2
3. Gen ME vs. Bad Influence - Ladder Match - 7
4. 2 Cold Scorpio vs. Shark Boy vs. Funaki vs. Guido vs. Crowbar vs. Sam Shaw vs. Crimson vs. Gunner vs. Johnny Swinger - Hardcore Gauntlet Match - 4
5. Aces and 8's vs. James Storm, Magnus, and Bob Holly - Elimination Match - 5
6. Messias vs. Joseph Park - Monster's Ball Match - 3
7. Jeff Hardy and Brother Runt vs. Bully Ray and Devon - Tables Match - 4

Ordering this show on PPV was akin to discovering a bowler hat full of fetid feces on your front porch. A shocking and revolting proposition. Show starts with a literally six-minute long music video of "highlights" set to some real bad rap metal. Opening street fight was comparable to the 6th best Da Baldies match. Watching it was like watching a basketball game go to 100-0 using nothing but foul shots. Billed as the two toughest Knockouts in TNA history Jackie and ODB were set to make a bigger splash than Tony Scott off the Vincent Thomas Bridge. Looked like a bar brawl save for people don't run ropes in those. There was a shaving cream in the butthole gag that surely misted up Russo's eyes somewhere. Jackie's bosom should have a choking hazard printed on it.

Ladder match was a spectacular stunt show from four of PWG's finest exports. I would have loved to have seen this in Reseda getting 45 min. but I'm not complaining. You may label me contentious but I'm calling the Young Bucks a better team than the Road Warriors. Kazarian took some career-shortening bumps. I'd be totally cool with Kaz getting the TNA world title one day although don't see it happening -- maybe in a parallel universe. One in which the Red Dawn remake didn't suck giant dong. Too bad Gen ME burnt their bridges as them versus Tons of Funk getting 6 min. on WWE Main Event would brighten my Wednesday evening.

They then aired a painfully long video recap of the show thus far. Now, if it's a TV show I can understand the occasional quick recap to catch up viewers late to the program, but this is PPV, anyone watching it has been from the start presumably. Sometimes when you've watched as much wrestling as me a match that's "odd" is just as fun as one that's "good".  That was the case with the gauntlet. An odd hodgepodge of talent beating each other with all manner of objects. Never really thought of Guido as a bump freak but he earned his check here. Crowbar's tits are almost as big as Daffney's now. Funaki wasn't advertised in TNA's official listings so that was a pleasant surprise. Too bad he didn't bring Yamaguchi-San's samurai steel and lopped off Sam Shaw's balls. Always a treat seeing Scorpio who looked great here as always. Guy would be TNA world champ if I had the book. I'd have him and Austin Aries do a Best of 7 that'd make people Benoit and Booker's. Oh, wait, you'd already forgotten it? Damn kids. Go watch your best of Johnny Gargano.

I really like the Aces and 8's match which surprises me quite a bit as on paper it was one I glanced over with little interest. It wasn't advertised as an elimination match but it was cool that it was. Allowed the guys to take their time. I mean, it was pretty much just people punching each other, and selling punches, then more punching, etc. It wasn't slick or sleek or state of the art. But sometimes I like just kicking back watching people faux-grimace after being faux-punched for 20 min. Holly's punches had more snap than Jorge Masvidal's but if I can be frank he was shit. Should have brought in Molly Holly (or hell even Crash would have popped the Impact Zone and Messias could have used his coffin later). The rapid fire elimination sequence at the end is a lousy trope.

Messias has built quite the resume in Mexico and is a legit Top 50 worker in the world in many peoples' eyes but there was no saving this load. The pacing was just off. I get the idea Park is unfamiliar in a hardcore setting and is unsure, it's a cute bit, but they just slowly meandered from spot to next and it felt dryer than sandpaper. Messias got good air on his chokeslam bump but this was forgettable. Main event on paper looked like one Hermie Sadler would have had on an UWF show in some armory in Maryland. Was worked as such also. Very much by the numbers shuffling through the routine stuff. Runt looks legit old so that leant an extra sense of depth to his selling as it really seemed like an old social studies teacher getting dropped hard repeatedly on a hard wooden ring. Hardy felt like he wasn't even in the match. The guys definitely sleepwalked through this gig which is disappointing but not surprising. Should have booked Scorpio vs. Sabu in a TLC Match as the main and let Hardy and Shannon Moore do a Pain Pills on a Pole match in the mid-card.