Saturday, April 30, 2011

WWE 2011 Draft Analysis

To SmackDown!

John Cena

B: Awesome! One of my favorite guys to watch (best storyteller they've got, expressive selling, etc.) goes to the superior wrestling show. I like this.

J: I’m going to disagree with this move. Cena is the no. 1 entertainer as far as promos they have, which if you think about it, they won’t cut his mic time on SD, which will clutter up a very heavy wrestling show with more interviews when that’s best left to Raw. But my god has he been on Raw waaaaay too long.

G: Really surprised by this. He is indeed one of the best storytellers that WWE has right now. Cool to see him going into a fresh talent pool.

A: Fresh fueds, longer matches. I'm all for this.

Randy Orton

B: Orton's joining the blue team, too? SD! doesn't have a lot of strong heels to program him with, he's already worked a program with Rhodes, besides that, there's, well, Barrett?

J: I think it’s about time he left Raw, he’s fought absolutely everyone over there. I’m guessing this was a Vince call to keep Christian out of main event scene with Del Rio and slap Orton in it. His last year has been stagnant, but is still fun to watch.

G: Thank God. Orton has been stale for the last year and has been stagnating on Raw like a rancid pickle sitting in the sun. Hopefully he'll get some fresh meat for his viper fangs.

A: Agreed with Geo. Nothing left for him to accomplish over on Raw. Would really like to see him used as someone to help elevate fresh heels to the main event.

Yoshi Tatsu

B: Seeing Yoshi do the damn thing on Superstars is great but with this move I'd love to see him brought up to the main show. I'd like to see him work Slater or maybe Gabriel.

J: Not sure why they constantly bury Japanese guys, but Tatsu has loads of personality, why is he the same character Funaki was, as if he has the mind of a 5 year old just because he is fluent in English? Gabriel wouldn’t be bad, but I hope they shoot higher than Slater or Reks, jesus, talk about two guys who need axed. Is he and Masters a comedy team yet? If not I could see that being a favorite of the writing team.

G: Loved him on Superstars where he got some time. I just have this inkling that he'll be put in dead segment squashes.

A: Hopefully he'll get some more TV time. I've enjoyed his work from what I've seen.

William Regal

B: I dig this. I can only hope it'll mean he'll be wrestling more regulary. I'd love to see him against just about anyone. Maybe Booker T can dust off his gear and do a program with him.

J: I think Regal’s best contribution in this company is to pair up with the young guys and teach them a thing or two about how to really work. I fear that KOTR push 3 years back was his last chance for a top spot so as long as he’s on TV I’m cool with it. And put him on next season of Tough Enough for the love of god.

G: Hell yeah. The top heavy scrapper goes blue. I love to see him work with the younger guys on SD and put them over while simultaneously serving them some potatoes.

A: Please God, I hope this means he'll actually been seen on TV. I love Brian's idea for a Booker/Regal program.

Alicia Fox

B: One of my favorite divas was lost in the shuffle on Raw so here's hoping this leads to better things and more TV time.

J: Again, lots of personality, little to nothing with it. Give her a talk show, that would be a ratings grabber.

G: She's incomparable to the other divas. She's the total package. Like to see her work LayCool if she turns face -- probably won't.

A: One of the best in-ring diva's they have. Would like to see some more attention given to her as the top diva heel on SD.

Jimmy Uso

B: Really? Yikes. This doesn't spell good things for either Uso. You could put one in an undercard heel role but then what becomes of the other? I hope he's got his resume ready.

J: I’ve not seen these guys more than 5 times on the main cards since their first program- but Jimmy gets a singles shot. Honestly, I’d say he’ll be around till Superstars still airs internationally and on YouTube, after that, better call up Cary Silkin.

G: So I guess they're breaking the team up? Future endeavors probably in the near future for Jims.

A: Man, that tag team push really fizzled out. Why break up one of the only teams left in the company?

Great Khali

B: I'm done with this giant sack of soggy shit. His big run was a blast just for the sheer preposterous nature of it but the last few years he's not done a damn thing, boy! Send him to IGF and quick!

J: Would love to see him work Tim Sylvia in IGF. I’m really stumped as to what’s left for this guy, he’s still not learned how to work after all this time, despite what the trolls on popular internet message boards say.

G: Vince really needs to blow his load about Khali already and dump him. He's just horrendous.

A: A tree moves better than him. Needs to be dumped. I didn't miss him while he was on sabbatical, I don't think anyone else did either. If anything, he should drop the fun-loving dancing guy routine and go back to the monster heel he was initially.

Daniel Bryan

B: I'd been calling for this move since the start and am very happy to see it. SD! values in-ring action much more than Raw so hopefully we'll get a handful of good to great TV bouts out of Danielson yet this year.

J: I’m glad he got the Raw rub for a bit, the latter half not doing him any favors, but at least he’s an established person and not just another face the audience knows. This was the right time for him to move over, I’d have 100% confidence he can excel here like Punk did and become a big player. Man, him vs. Christian, Rey, Del Rio, Orton, this is money to a wrestling fan.

G: Really happy to see this. Raw never really felt like his show as it's so much more angle-based. I can see him having some tits matches on SD and really tearing it up on the silver and blue stage. Year of the Dragon? Hell yes.

A: The perfect move for him. So much great talent there for him to work with.

Mark Henry

B: Deciding to turn Henry heel on his way out the door was a good move as it gives him something to do besides being Evan Bourne's big buddy. They'll have to use him as a major heel force as the options are limited so get ready to see him locking horns with Kane, Christian, and possibly Orton. Maybe he can beat the hell out of Jack Korpela backstage -- that'd be good TV.

J: Yep this was a number thing then, Henry is hot and cold as a heel, his last heel run here was a complete flop against Angle and Taker but seems like he’ll have some good guys to pair up with. Why was I missing Tony Atlas the other day?.....

G: I don't buy Henry as a heel after seeing him work that lovable teddy bear kool-aid gimmick. I really couldn't care less what they did with him no matter where he went.

A: Loved the heel turn. Here's hoping he returns to the Predator-looking Mark Henry and the dominant monster he was on ECW.

Sin Cara

B: I'm liking this, too. Raw is all about guys working the stick and doing catchphrases. Let Mistico do what he does best -- wrestle. I'm stoked to see him versus Barreta.

J: Another calculating move, I was for him being on the same brand as Rey from the get go, as a team, maybe that will happen. But yes, at least if something goes awry here they can retape. Booking him smartly means all the difference until he gets used to working a lot of these guys.

G: Glad he's finally got a spot. SD just seems like more his element. I can see the kids getting behind him and seeing him as a hero. Daneilson vs. Sin Cara? Modern day Fujinami vs. Tiger Mask? A bit of a stretch? Maybe, but I'd love to see that match.

A: Another wise decision. They can easily edit any foul-ups that may occur in his matches. Like I said with DB, a great talent pool to work with over on the blue brand. Seems as if they're positioning him as the new Mysterio.

B: A lot of people on the 'net are citing how editing will be Sin Cara's best friend on SD! but I think he deserves a little more credit than that. He's not going to sink or swim based upon the ability of an editor. The guy can work circles around a lot of their current talent pool -- let's just hope he gets the chance to show it.


B: This is fine but not a lot to say. I don't have faith they'll use her to the best of her capabilities so what's the point?

J: Wow, feels like they misplaced her for most of this year. Not sure why WWE insists on splitting up every hot tag team act they have- I mean they had freakin Bret Hart give them the rub and now they’re fractured. Just fucking put the Dynasty back together already.

G: Cool.

A: Probably won't be used much except for a cameo here and there. Wish the Hart Dynasty would reunite.

Jey Uso

B: Disregard what I said earlier as now Jey joins his droll brother. If I've got not faith in how WWE books women wrestlers imagine how much less I have in how they book tag teams. I could see their contracts axed by August.

J: Okay guess this makes sense at least, but amen to what brian said above me. At least it’s not comedy vs. Koslov and Marella again- now they’ll be losing 2 on 1 matches to Orton, Kane, Show etc. haha,

G: Already so I guess they are still a team? I was starting to like the idea of singles careers for the two as I thought more about it, but we're back to square one.

A: Ok, so now he's on SD as well? They'll probably be used as jobbers and be unemployed by the fall.

Ted DiBiase

B: So bland -- team him with Brodus Clay or Chavo Guerrero.

J: So they finally put the nail in the Maryse storyline….thank god. Both guys you mentioned above really need a chance to shine over this goof- pure evidence how guys’ daddies get them jobs, and they don’t even have to work hard to keep them.

B: Jess, the Maryse storyline has carried over to NXT where here and Tatsu have a going on...

G: Throw this bro in the Puget Sound -- he always sinks.

A: Ummm, ok? Is this necessary?


B: This is a bit surprising but I think from my vantage point a fresh decision. Similar to Swagger (who I'll get to later) losing luster and the move to a new brand hopefully being a restart of sorts, I'd expect the same thing here, as SD! is lacking strong heels and Sheamus could fit that role. Also, I'd love to see him beat the shit out of Hornswoggle.

G: Alright this I can dig. Sheamus has run rampant on Raw and he's done everything there. I actually had an inkling this was coming, so I'm glad to see it played out. Hope to see him tear it up with some nice squashes!

J: Okay not that this matters, but correct me if I’m wrong, does Sheamus not have the US title still? I haven’t watched Raw yet. Anyways, yep I’m on board, he’s already programmed with most everyone on Raw side and besides the Orton feud, he’s been pretty successful.

A: IC Champion and US champion on the same brand. Interesting. Maybe this is the first step in unfying a bunch of the titles.

Alex Riley

B: Will he sink or swim without Miz? I'm guessing he'll sink faster than stock in DDP's line of yoga supplies. I'm seeing Tatsu and Barreta in his future and Riley on the losing end.

G: This is definitely his true test, like Brian stated. I honestly think that he's going back to FCW in the blink
of an eye.

J: I hate that just because a guy seems like he has it all, doesn’t mean he does. People like his interview skills but he’s had many chances against top talent and he just doesn’t have it. Guessing he’ll be a lackey to someone on SD, or else just gone. Guarantee TNA would pick him up.

A: He's got the mouth, now's the time to shine.


B: Again, sound like a broken record, but it's hard for me to care much about the diva switches sense the company cares so very little about their female talent. I'd like to see her actually get some matches in on TV but not holding my breath (but am holding my love gun).

G: Poor Santino...

J: For some reason I thought she would do well, because she has such a different look. Think she’d be the perfect opponent for Kong to come in on and look like a true monster.

A: Daughter of Superfly needs to be used as more than a pawn in a comedy act.

Tyson Kidd

B: Why the hell not? I just hope he brings his top-shelf stuff. Whether it's on Superstars or working the undercard he should try to shine at every corner in hopes of getting some recognition for his talent and not allowing familial connections alone to keep his contract safe. I'm dying for him versus Sin Cara.

G: I love this kid. He's fresh as hell and busts out some great shit. Dude, him vs Sin Cara is epic win.

J: It’s an uphill battle for Tyson, but maybe they’ll just put the Dynasty back together, that would at least give him some recognition that he’s in a group.

A: Gone nowhere since the Dynasty broke up. Maybe he'll finally get that push that was promised to him. There's always the indy circuit if they forget about him, which they probably will.

to Raw:

Jack Swagger

B: I like this move. Ever since they took the belt off of him on SD! his talent's been squandered. I could see this meaning bigger things for him in the near future and I can get behind that. Dude's got a good look, unique personality, and the talent.

J: At first, saddling him with Cole at Mania might have felt like a slap in the face to an All American collegiate wrestler, but it was what opened eyes on him again- have a feeling he’ll do well on Raw.

G: Love me some Swags. After holding the WHC and then being bumped back down faster than a hunted soaring eagle he finally gets a clean slate and time to start anew for the Swagman.

A: Only moved over for his participation in the Cole/Lawler angle. Needs to be positioned as a top heel.

Kelly Kelly

B: This means as much to me as the last dump I took.

J: More people to look at her breasts I guess…….I know at one point she was improving in the ring but haven’t seen jack that stands out from her in a long time.

G: Means slightly less to me than the above statement. My last piss.

A: Will be in the same spot she was on Smackdown. Eye candy.

Rey Mysterio

B: The pound-for-pound best worker in the WWE gets bumped up to the big show. The last time they did this it didn't work out so well. I'd love to see him programmed as one of the top faces. We could get him versus Miz and R-Truth which are both rad.

J: Yeah you’re right, it was an epic fail. Him v. Miz & Truth I’m solidly behind, Sheamus still doesn’t do a lot for me. But Rey’s a bonfide winner, and even though we won’t see he and Sin Cara mix it up, Rey can elevate his game; Rey v. Cena Summerslam anyone?

G: Damn, I was hoping to see a great face vs face match with Sin Cara on SD, but I would love to see him vs. Miz for the title. We all know he needs it. Plus, what sense does it make to put a heavyweight title on a guy who weight 170lbs? The WC would be much more fitting for him.

A: This could be really awesome. He's got a lot of good undercard talent to work with and could be used as a fresh contender for any title. Like to see him vs. Miz for the title.


B: What a joke -- this guy has been jobbing on Superstars for awhile now and is in purgatory. I guess I'd enjoy seeing him get squashed by Husky Harris.

J: Ha! Still hanging on, they may as well throw him in Nexus, he has as much job security there as wandering around the Raw curtain jerker spot.

G: Piss statement reiterated here.

A: This guy still has a job?

Big Show

B: I'm guessing he'll get another run as one of the top dogs down the line as soon as they disband the goofy team with Kane which is so tired. He's already been programmed with Punk but I could see him working with Del Rio in a couple months and maybe a smaller program with Mason Ryan.

J: Has it been a year since Show’s last heel turn? Seems he’s like a perpetual teeter-totter, every so often, they switch him back and forth. Just don’t think he adds much to any program he’s on these days. So it doesn’t even matter where he’s at.

G: So the team with Kane is disbanded? God you might as well flip a coin with the decisions this company makes sometimes. Those titles mean nothing. Show just doesn't work for me anymore. There's nothing left for him in the company, in my opinion.

A: Show is about due for his annual flip-flop. Good guy to help untalented fresh faces (ie: Mason Ryan) learn the ropes.

Alberto Del Rio

B: I still think Del Rio should have gotten gold over on the blue brand but maybe this will be where he makes his mark. It'll definitely make him a bigger star. He could be Triple H's next big opponent and if Jericho comes back face after his reality TV run Del Rio would be a great rival.

J: I see why they would move him here, but he directly impedes, to me at least, with Miz’ s progress as top heel, they are both cocky, and both should be positioned into main event slots. Him v. The Game would be swell, or just continue against Rey I guess.

G: As long as this man holds one of the two belts I'm fine. Having a hard time thinking about who I'd like for him to feud with, though. Perhaps carry the Rey feud to Raw? Morrison? Truth?

B: They Rey feud has been settled and they had a good series of matches together but as much as I like both men I think it's time Del Rio moves on to new greener (not the RVD variety) pastures.

A: Perfect! Will be a top heel in the same spot he was on SD. Time for him to shine.

G: I still think it would be great if they did an ode to Lucha and did a hair vs. mask match between the two.

Drew McIntyre

B: They've dropped the ball with him. You'd think this move might give him a chance to recover but I'm not as optimistic. Expect him versus Morrison as a program and some TV squashes over guys like Goldust and Kozlov.

J: So sad a dude’s wife got him in the doghouse. I can’t see him being anything but a heel, so yes, I agree, maybe a small top guy program and then it’s same old same old for Drew Mac.

G: Ever since he fucked up with Tiff he's been treading water. He's still my favorite in the company, so I hope this move brings him more programs to work and better feuds.

A: Let's hope he can bust out of the post-Tiffany doldrums and stop treading water.

Curt Hawkins

B: I'd fire him soon but expect him to be back where he belongs on Superstars losing to Marella, David Hart Smith, and company.

J: I really hate to quote someone so obvious, but who in the blue hell is this?

G: Meh.

A: Who?

Chris Masters

B: While not making big waves on SD! Masters has had a hell of a run on Superstars and hopefully will see some TV time later this year. I'd run him against Zack Ryder or McGillicutty.

J: So everyone loves Masters on Superstars, my thing is, give him a shot if he’s that good. I think he should have stayed on Smackdown and went back heel, seems like they don’t trust putting him in a good spot in case he gets strike #3 and is gone.

G: This guy has grown by leaps and bounds. His selling is great. I'd like to see him take on some of the Nexus guys.

A: I thought he was already on Raw?

Kofi Kingston

B: Hasn't been booked real strongly as of late but then on the draft episode of Raw went over Sheamus clean. You can't expect a rematch with Sheamus being moved so I'd use him to elevate some other younger talent like Tarver or Sheffield.

J: Kofi’s sort of polarizing to me, at times I enjoy him, other times I could care less. I was bored to tears with the endless amount of matches he had against Dolph & Swagger last year. Never got that Orton-feud level heat back which would have made him for years. He’ll probably do the same old schtick he’s been doing.

G: Kofi is still one of the tops in the company, but I thought he was fine on SD. I'm starting to sense that we're getting an uneven face to heel ratio here.

A: I was so bored with the endless Dolph matches from last year. I hope there is no repeat of that. Last time he was on Raw, is was really good for him. Hope lighting can strike twice.

Beth Phoenix

B: Usually they love splitting up real-life couples just to be assholes but in this case they're bringing one together (Beth and Punk). Honestly, I think her ship has sailed, though, and don't see her ever regaining the push she once held.

G: I gotta agree, her ship has sailed. I dug her stuff with LayCool a while back, but she's been stagnating as well. Mixing her into the craziness is probably a good move just to work out a few more matches we may not have seen yet.

J: This is bad I know, but I really had no clue she was even on SD. To me, Raw as always seemed like her show, where she first broke in, became such a huge deal to the women’s division. The thing with the women, is after 1 hot run, they usually discard them like Mason Ryan does needles so I think she could still be a big asset but don’t see it happening.

A: Nothing much here.

Tyler Reks

B: This may sound ludicrous but I'd love to see him work a program with The Undertaker -- but I'll settle for a series with Daniel Bryan (likely on Superstars).

G: Some of dat T-Rex Really don't think he'll be around much longer, but I will miss that hobo look on SD

J: Ha, yes I could not see that happening in several alternate universes, quite sure most top guys don’t even know who he is. I’m sure a lot of this silly draft is one team of writers doesn’t particularly care for someone, so they ship them over. Who knows, someone may take a liking to him.

A: This guy got pushed late last year and then fell off a cliff. Don't see bright things for him, he's terrible in the ring and on the stick.

B: I wouldn't say he's terrible in the ring by any stretch, his series with Masters ranged from good to very good, but is a victim of poor booking and bad timing (how old is this bro?).

John Cena

B: Oh, what the fuck? Well, guess this 6+ year run on the red brand wasn't esteemed enough, so JC remains on Raw and the Miz feud continues as he bids time towards facing The Rock. I'd let him work Ziggler (damn shame about that hair) and in a perfect world bring somebody like Primo up several notches and let them get some heat working alongside him but don't count on it. I expect his PPV-output to be stellar for the remainder of the year.

J: Haha, Cena’s back, didn’t last long. Well he has to get back at R Truth and stay where Rock can find him. I’d find Cena a specialty program this year, keep the belt off of him, not sure who it could be, I don’t think Ziggler can stand up to Cena in a one on one program, god I’d love to have him vs. a heel Christian go for about 6 months. That would make my year.

G: Oh, Vince, you slay me, you trickster. Thanks for nothing and I'm sure that you got a hearty laugh out of pulling our legs, you sick fuck.

B: Jess, Cena's got no beef with R-Truth, know you missed the end of that Raw (I think) but they had no interaction together. That being said, I could see them doing something with the two of them down the road (the promos alone would be worth it). Geo, you're right, McMahon really is a grotesque monster.

J: No you’re right I didn’t get to see that, I just assumed Truth going heel he would have been all over Cena, makes sense to me, I mean they were supposed to be friends right? Am I actually trying to make sense of WWE storylines? Never mind, giving up on that front. I could live a happy life never having seen Vince’s face again honestly.

A: That was a cruel trick. You mean to tell me Vince was actually going to clear the way for someone to take his spot on Raw? Don't think so. Thanks for ruining our hopes of Cena vs. Henry as the top program on Smackdown. Asshole.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Kensuke Office "TAKE THE DREAM 2011 IN KORAKUEN" 2/11/11

Kensuke Office "TAKE THE DREAM 2011 IN KORAKUEN", 11.02.2011 (Samurai! TV)
Tokyo Korakuen Hall
2,100 Fans - Super No Vacancy Full House

1. Kensuke Office vs. NJPW ~ Kensuke Sasaki 25th Anniversary Match: Kensuke Sasaki & Takashi Okita Vs Manabu Nakanishi (New Japan) & King Fale (New Japan) - 4
2. Kensuke Sasaki 25th Anniversary Battle Royal: Takeshi Morishima (NOAH), Ultimo Dragon (Toryumon Mexico), Satoshi Kajiwara, Kentaro Shiga, Big Murakami, CHANGO, Yutaka Yoshie, Jun Nishikawa, Bear Fukuda, Go, Takeshi Minamino - 3
3. Kikutaro & Namazu Man Vs Akira Taue (NOAH) & Masao Inoue - 3
4. Katsuhiko Nakajima & Kengo Mashimo (KAIENTAI DOJO) vs. BxB Hulk (Dragon Gate) & Fujita "Jr." Hayato (Michinoku Pro) - 7
5. Kento Miyahara Vs Go Shiozaki (NOAH) - 5

This was Kensuke's 25th anniversary celebration so the outcome of this opener was never in question. Still, we watched, hoping this would be the day King Fale was neutered, decapitated, or otherwise caused severe bodily harm. When the bell rang Nakanishi and Sasaki had a stare-down from across the ring that legitimately give me more chills than any thing at this year's WrestleMania. Of note were Manabu and Kensuke having a blistering chop battle, Okita's infatuation with wacky flying shoulderblocks, and King Fale standing oddly erect playing rheumatic punching bag for Kensuke.

Battle royal was harmless fun like playing Truth or Dare? with your D&D guild. A bunch of guys got whipped into the bulbous torso of Yoshie before Yutaka himself got thrown out taking a face-first bump off the apron in my favorite elimination. Morishima was vicious but a fleshly dogpile ended his evening prematurely. Dragon got a little run where he got to show off but suffered the same fate as Takeshi. The ending run got to showcase some of the homegrown KO talent. Next bout pitted the geriatric NOAH team (Taue is legitimately ancient and I assume Inoue is incontinent) versus the comedy duo. They gave this time, I'd wager too much, going 15 min. and strangely the goofballs got to run most of the offense. When Kikutaro is amongst his sideshow brethren in Osaka Pro it's fun and alright as we're in on the joke but when he's involved in competitive matches it's hard to get sucked in knowing what little chance he has. Namazu hits as hard as Chris Sabin does during foreplay with Velvet Sky. Akira got the victory after a chokeslam which really wasn't set-up or done emphatically.

My first glimpse of Nakajima's new attire and wow what a fucking eyesore. I think Paula Abdul wore the same shorts in the video for "Opposites Attract". I love Hayato's hair -- looks like he stole Uncle Fester's lightbulb and stuck it up his own ass. Kengo, however, well I've found better hair in my Chinese take-out. Katsuhiko and Fujita kick the hell out of each other to nobody's surprise. Mashimo I dig, he was actually going to be my next signee in a fantasy wrestling federation I was in but it folded quicker than the note I sent an ex-girlfriend in high school that read: "Do you like Big Japan? Circle yes or no". It's Korakuen someone has to brawl into the upper-level of the building per usual but instead of plodding directionless brawling we get Nakajima and Hayato trying to kick holes into each other. BxB is fairly invisible for most of the match but with Nakajima's new sassy pink shorts Katsuhiko should audition to be one of his backup dancers. Those abominations look like what you'd see if you stuck a kaleidoscope up Elton John's asshole. Are those Andy Warhol originals? There's an awesome spot where Mashimo makes Hayato mount Hulk than puts them simultaneously in an armbar. Something as a kid I loved so much about wrestling was constantly wondering "Who's going to win?" and recently (amazingly and thankfully) I've started feeling that old excitement again and did in this match never sure who was going to pull it out. Nakajima got an amazing nearfall off of a brainbuster on Hayato but then, seconds remaining, he hit a suplex that was so German it made M. Bison do a spit-take with his Berliner Weiße as the time-limit expired rendering this bout a draw.

Miyahara looks like a guy that probably listens to Braid and enjoys the smell of campfires. Go is the only guy currently wrestling with "sex hair" -- for those unfamiliar with the term notice your girlfriend's messy hair post-coitus next time you smash. The Office has been so bad the last few seasons I think it's time it got replaced by the new sitcom Kensuke Office. Catfish Man would make a great Stanley. Kento takes a bodyslam onto the floor and sells it like the guy from Excitebike when you pulled back too far on a wheelie. Go just brutalizes him with hard chops, slams, and a spine-altering Boston Crab. Miyahara must be a Chris Adams fan as he has no shame in using that savate kick like it's going out of style. Shiozaki shows glimmers of his performance versus Tyler Black at FIP Unstoppable 2008 but mostly works this as NOAH-lite but in role of domineering bully. I never really got the sense Kento (wonder if he ever eats bento?) stood a chance and at this rate doubt he'll be honored with a 25th anniversary show in his name like the mighty Kensuke received on this date.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Coming in August to NHO

Coming to Never Hand Over this August:

AWF Warriors of Wrestling and we're reviewing it all!

Monday, April 25, 2011

CHIKARA "Clutch of Doom" February 20, 2011 & "Operation: Big Freeze" March 12, 2011

Clutch of Doom - Feb 20, 2011

Green Ant vs. Mike Quackenbush - 4
Ophidian vs. Icarus - 3
Vin Gerard & Stigma vs. The Throwbacks - 3
Los Ice Creams vs. 3.0 vs. The Osirian Portal vs. Haze/Delirious - 5
Sara Del Rey vs. Madison Eagles - 6
Frightmare, Hallowicked, and Ultramantis Black vs. Obariyon, Kodama, and Kobald - 5
Tim Donst vs. Jigsaw - 2
Claudio Castagnoli & Tursas vs. Fire & Soldier Ant - 6

Interesting match up pitting the longest veteran in the company versus the newest rookie in the locker room. There was some catch going down on the mat that was really great, showing that Green Ant can bring it if he has the opportunity. Ant's selling of the leglock was a little hokey, grabbing his mask in a fashion that looked like he was enjoying an erotic film, but he made up for it later with some decent vocal selling. Quack maintained control throughout the match in a decent little opener.

Icarus appeared to be working stiffer than usual by laying in all his shots on the Serpent from the Nile. Ophidian was bumping around like a child in a blowup castle inside of a paint mixer. It was great. I dig this stiffer Icarus -- it draws attention away from the back tatt. I was a bit dissappointed with the match overall, though, because Icarus was on offense way too much, and we didn't get to see Ophidian perform to his full potential.

The Throwbacks were hitting some nice offense, including Dasher's trademark baseball spots. As the match was going on, 3.0 came out on mics to distract the UnStable. I honestly think this was a really bad move because, while it furthered the angle, it really took away from the match itself as people were listening to the two talk smack rather than watch the match. Sacrificing match quality for something for angle development didn't work well in this case. Neither team got to perform as well as they could due to the happenings on the outside.

Haze came out with leading her husband by a chain, oh, the potential jokes that could be had here. I love the Ice Creams, who got counted out when El Hijo had a 'heart attack' on the outside as Jr. tried to revive him. Good God I love CHIKARA. The match had a really nice flow to it. All teams seemed to be equally represented in the match by getting equal times to hit moves and sell. As the matched progressed, it got even better, espeically Gresham's showing against Haze/Delirious. Haze looked great, too. Her selling was on great display and bumped around like crazy with her tassels flying everywhere. UnStable came out to distract 3.0, causing them to get eliminated, but this worked well seeing as the match wasn't sacrificed to develop the angle further. Good match.

An amazonian battle of the ages~! Eagles is ridiculously tall and looks like a badass. I was really digging the mat wrestling going on early in the match. Madison maintained control over Del Rey, controlling the arm, using it as a base to take her down to the canvas. Del Rey gave it back to Madison, transitioning between holds flawlessly. A very great showing by both women. Just really clean and pure wrestling. This is what should come to mind when someone mentions women's wrestling in America.

The Batiri gain a third member who looks really green in all honesty. Hallowicked tried working with him in the ring and it just ended up looking awkward. Mantis brought this really great sense of intensity that usually isn't seen out of him -- something that I feel he's actually gotten a lot better at over the past year. His intensity is great because it makes the feud with the Batiri more important with KoT right around the corner. Kodama & Obariyon brought that great Jr. heavyweight puro style to the match that I adore seeing out of them, laying in their strikes and submissions. There was this awkward moment when Obariyon went for the tag, but neither man would tag in -- they looked at each other, back at Obariyon, and finally Kobald tagged in after Kodama made an odd grunting noise in his direction. Alright. Kodama hit his sick lung blower on Frightmare, which opened the floodgates to a pretty fun sprint finish. Overall, I enjoyed the match, but I wouldn't say it was something to go out of your way to see.

Jigsaw vs. Donst is something I've been longing to see in singles form. Jigsaw had this new-found intensity going into it and hit a nice tope, but the match ended with Sabado hitting a fast count after a swinging neck breaker. Wasn't sure whether or not to rate this, but I did.

Colony charged the ring and stormed all over the BDK team, with Fire Ant just owning the hell out of both Dub-C and Turs. C and Turs really held back Soldier, barely missing tags to Fire Ant. Really great face in peril work by Soldier. Fire Ant's hot tag was on fire. He hit this sweet head scissor/DDT combo that was to die for. As the floodgates opened, the face team nailed their comeback on the heel team of the BDK to a great finish. This was a great tag match~!

Match Average: 4.25

See: Sara Del Rey vs. Madison Eagles; The Colony vs. Claudio & Tursas

----------Operation Big Freeze----------

Tim Donst & Pinkie Sanchez vs. Marshe Rocket & Acid Jaz - 3

A rather mundane opener to the show pitting the smaller memembers of Da Soul Touchaz against two of my faves in the BDK faction. Jaz looked pretty damn good, really milking the tag after suffering a beat down from the BDK. Pinkie's facials during the match are seriously great. It's pretty obvious just how much he's putting into the matches. There didn't seem to be a real click between the two teams, though. I mean, The BDK took out the manager and valet of Da Soul Touchaz, which leads me to believe that DST are pretty pissed. That fact did not come out in this match and the feud didn't seem to be furthered at all in this match.

Madison Eagles vs. Toshie Uematsu - 6

I loved how much of and even feel the match had. Eagles had the definite height advantage, but Uematsu got her on the mat and maintained control over the Amazon. Eagles' submission repertoire was quite impressive. I can see her challenging Del Rey for the notable women's position in the company. Eagles pretty much rocked the hell out of the match with some great mat work, including some great leg submissions like the surfboard and this really great looking cross-over leg submission. Uematsu seemed to be wanting to get over that really crazy foreigner gimmick by screaming at the crowd and generally looking odd and scary. Her vocal selling was rather sweet, though. I'm digging this women's highlight match on CHIKARA shows and I hope it continues throughout the year. Joshi goodness in America.... DIG IT~!

Eddie Kingston vs. Archibald Peck - 3

Dude came to the ring and I was nearly in tears with laughter. Kingston decimated this dude so bad. The kid looks kind of like the kid that got stuck in lockers in high school. Kingston delivered some suplexes and and backfist and sent this kid packing. What a joke. Nice hat, by the way.

The UnStable & The Roughnecks vs. 3.0 & The Throwbacks - 5

Starting off hot on the floor, the Throwbacks yet again brought that great element of hate to the match, but Brodie had something to say about that -- oh, did he have something to say. The big man was knocking them down left and right. Just when I thought the match progressed and a sprint atmosphere would develop throughout, Dunkerton decides to choose teams to do a jump ball in the ring which went nowhere except straight to Brodie Lee beating hide. Scott hit some really nice running knees on Brodie that looked pretty delicious I must say, but I found there to be this weird drag near the middle while Dasher was in the ring. In-ring wise, I would've liked to have seen more Throwbacks vs. Roughnecks, but I can understand holding it back a bit.

Icarus vs. Fire Ant - 6

This match hearkened back to days of old after Icarus lost his hair due to Fire Ant, so we immediately get some heat in the match. This match was crispier than a Granny Smith Apple. Both of these guys just hit everything with perfection. Ant brought that great lucha style to the match, hitting all kinds of arm-drag variations on the Winged Warrior. Icarus ate Ant's offense with gusto, bumping around the ring like an 80s style Terry Gordy with a terrible tattoo. When someone talks about CHIKARA, this is the type of match one should conjure up in their head. Crisp, clean, and tasty. You could eat dinner off of this match. Yeah, I said it.

Sinn Bodhi & The Batiri vs. The Osirian Portal - 4

So Bodhi looks really bad. I touched on that earlier, but I think it needs to be reiterated here. Bodhi's rocking this apron so he looks like Martha Stewart after a run-in with a paint mixer and a lot of deep fried foods. The in-ring was quite fun to watch, and I was actually kind of happy with Kizarny's performance. He does this really weird and unnecessary move in which he hangs from the ropes to the outside only to deliver a double chop to the chest. Whatevs. Portal hit their music spot with MJ's "Thriller" which had me in stitches. The Batiri can break it down like you wouldn't believe. Marred by a stupid finish, it was still a fun outing.

Tursas vs. Willie Richardson - 2

Richardson was pimping his Dusty-like singlet, living up to his moniker as the "Urban American Dream." Going into this, I thought to myself, "This could either be really good or really bad." Sadly, it was the latter. This match just did not take off at all and was quite pointless in all honesty. Disappointing to say the least.

Claudio Castagnoli, Tim Donst & Sara Del Rey vs. Mike Quackenbush, Hallowicked & Frightmare - 3

The final match of the night had me torn. While it wasn't exactly a strong match, it was still decent, yet not the way you want to end a show. Here was my problem with the match: nothing flowed at all. Awkwardness seemed quite abundant in the ring as there were apparent mis-steps and miscues throughout. We got this really cool sprint feel throughout, but it never culminated. Too many people in the ring at once, too many things happening at once. People with ADD might have liked this, but me... not so much.

Match Average = 4
See: Eagles vs. Uematsu; Icarus vs. Fire Ant


"Chaos in the Sea of Lost Souls" - January 23, 2011
"Caught in a Cauldron of Hate" - February 19, 2011
"Clutch of Doom" - February 20, 2011
"Operation Big Freeze" - March 12, 2011

Saturday, April 23, 2011

PWX Detonation co-review

Brian: If this show is the "detonation" then call me Captain Colter Stevens or Tripwire or Tunnel Rat as I'm defusing this bomb right fucking now.

1) Luke Hawx vs. Azrieal G: 4 B: 2

G: So I was totally ROFLing when Hawx came out. He looked ridiculous. Part wigger and part Aryan Brotherhood. Then the announcers when about telling how he is a survivor of Hurricane Katrina and I felt bad. The match wasn't bad, but wasn't good. Azrieal had just been in "Dragons Gate" (as the announcer botched), and you could definitely tell from his weak strikes. It was like faux puro. We never really went anywhere, but I can't knock the guys because they looked good. Azrieal was trained by Homicide, which becomes apparent throughout. I dig his technical work, but wish he would've laid his strikes in.

Brian: They played up Hawx being from Louisiana but opening a card with match was as inappropriate as Katrina and the Waves playing New Orleans. Remember their hit '85 hit "Walking On Sunshine"? This match is the antithesis of it. Every time the announcers said Azrieal's name I couldn't help but think of The Smurfs; I guess that makes the ringside fans Wartmongers (bonus point if you got that reference). It was like Luke had a list of moves written in ink on the palm of his hand and was just trying to get everything checked off. Azrieal looked competent but this doesn't come close to touching the top-shelf stuff from his stint in FIP.

2) Eddie Kingston vs. Grim Reefer (CZW Heavyweight Title Match) B: 4 G: 4

Brian: This wasn't bad and booked fairly competently. Kingston had just won CZW gold but the way they structured the match Reefer got to look like a legitimate threat. Grim is pale and looks here like a mix between Michael Rapaport and Death from Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey in a skull cap. The bump onto some chairs Geo will refer to would have been something if not for Reefer ushering the fans at ringside out of harm's way before the spot making obvious his eventual bump over the rail. Grim landed one real nice spinkick but needed to tighten up some of his stuff to look more credible. Eddie's match-ending combination of a spinning backfist and backdrop suplex was a good finish cutting off Reefer's hopes.

G: I thought the brawling aspect of this match was actually quite good. Along with a good brawl, Reefer busted out some nice dives and took a rather sick bump on the chairs. Kingston was at his prime at the time here, and was selling really well. Reefer's bumping was none too shabby either. In the end, I was quite surprised by Reefer. It had been a couple of years since I've seen a match of his, and he seemed to be quite well-rounded. Decent match.

3) AJ Styles vs. Jay Lethal (TNA X-Division Championship Match) G: 5 B: 7

G: I loved being able to watch a TNA title match without both guys seeming like they did a line of cocaine pre-match. This was great. It had build and both guys took it slow, working over each others arms and legs. In my opinion, Jay Lethal is just as good as AJ Styles, so the element of having an evenly-matched match-up really added to the match. Some of the stuff on the floor was really cool. AJ took an irish whip into the guardrail, but slid underneath it and hit Lethal with a flying forearm. I enjoyed this match chiefly due to the fact that both guys took the time to lay in their strikes and built up the match.

Brian: I liked this as well, and in fact, more than Geo. What I loved about it was the pacing. TNA is known for fast-paced soulless exhibitions but this went 20 min. and felt organic and measured and flowed like a Terrence Malick film. It was fairly one-sided as Styles mostly dominated but it was a real joy watching Lethal sell all his stuff, a lot of it was subtle and understated, sort of like the match itself, but done expertly. I wouldn't go as far as Geo as to say Lethal is Styles' equal, but Jay is patently underrated, especially for his work outside of TNA, and this is a nice representation of his game. The finishing sequence saw counters and a slick roll-up and a fitting end to this physical chess game. If this was their typical stock touring match I'd have docked it a point but since methodical stuff like this is a rarity from these guys I awarded it accordingly.

4) Delirious vs. "Sweet and Sour" Larry Sweeney B: 2 G: 3

Brian: This was all stalling and shtick. The only thing tighter than Larry's pink leopard print trunks was his noose. The only highlight was Sweeney selling Delirious spitting a mouth full of hamburguesa in his face by taking a wild pratfall. 15 min. wasted I could have spent reading William Blake.

G: Your comedy match of the night. There was a decent element of wrestling, but it took a damn long time to get here. I chuckled a couple of times during the match, like Delirious taking a bite of someone's hamburger and spitting it in the face of Sweeney, then proceeding to call him "Cheeseburgerface." Overall, though, a rather uneventful match that didn't go anywhere.

5) Daizee Haize vs. Mercedes Martinez G: 3 B: 2

G: I dug the technical aspect of the match. Both girls were hitting some nice maneuvers and counters, but the match seriously went about 5 minutes. I was digging it and suddenly it was over. I kind of felt like Eric Bishoff's wife in the sack.

Brian: I heard that Bischoff and his wife were swingers: wonder if they ever had over Chris and Nancy? Anyway, this was as unflattering as a date ordering a sandwich with extra mayo. It was weird seeing Martinez hugging everyone around ringside when she's currently booked as such a monster in Evolve. Haize getting the rather out of the blue victory wasn't a bad touch but the body of the match was non-descript and uninteresting.

6) Mana vs. Ian Rotten (Hardcore Match) B: 2 G: 2

Brian: Ian cuts a promo beforehand that's just as retched as his cottage cheese bloated carcass telling the dozens in attendance about the lipstick smears their mothers have left on his fetid little wiener. The brawling isn't half-bad and Mana takes several unprotected chair shots to the skull that'll likely make him forget the last season of The Big Bang Theory. I docked it a point though as the ending was just plain awful. Mana does something sort of resembling Kazarian's piledriver onto some tacks but is fumbling through it, somehow ends up landing on top of Rotten like Rikishi, Ian holds his neck stiffly off of the mat to assure no errants tacks end up piercing that eyesore rucksack full of vanilla pudding and roadkill dick that makes up his head, then Ian talks to Mana while starring blankly at the ref during the pinfall in just a downright shining example of in-ring unprofessionalism. This was about as subtle as dropping an anvil on your scrotum while your grandma jumps out from behind a recliner and shoots a confetti gun.

G: This was sloppier than a Stephanie McMahon blowbang. Mana was rocking the '10 Samoa Joe facepaint and looked ridiculous. Ian hit Mana with what looked like a StarBucks Iced Coffee, making more of a mess than he's made of his own life. Seedy, sleazy, and incomprehensible. Another day in the life.

7) The SAT and Javi-Air vs. The Outcast Killaz & Nicky Benz (Tables, Ladders & Chairs Match) G: 3 B: 3

G: This was pretty sloppy as well. The Killaz looked pretty bad to be honest. Nothing they did really went anywhere. Javi was bumping around for the Killaz and Benz, who by the way looked like an idiot. Javi went for a dive on the top rope and pretty much fell like a bird that just went through a 747's propeller. The hardcore spots were kind of sloppily executed as was Javi's offense. Mmm, yeah this was pretty bad, but some of the spots looked decent.

Brian: Javi-Air is billed as a student of the S.A.T. -- that's like going up to a homeless man while he's sleeping under a turnpike and asking him to help you with your calculus homework. Those guys used to have the best move names; anyone remember the "Taffy Machine"? I imagine the S.A.T. never took the Scholastic Aptitude Test. Benz is working a lounge act gimmick complete with powder blue suit. Any reason why this was a TLC match? As Geo mentioned the garbage bumps are plentiful but largely carelessly executed leading to lots of laughs on my part.

8) Steve Corino vs. Necro Butcher B: 5 G: 4

Brian: Necro smashes a chair into his own head so much and so brutally during his entrance Christopher Nowinski started writing a new chapter to his next book. Announcers say Corino looks like an "American Great Muta" (what?) but appears more similar to present day Ernie Osiris to me. The selling is top-notch here. Necro makes Corino's plodding turn on offense look like a merciless mugging. Filmmaker Gregg Araki once penned the line of dialogue "You are a life support system for a cock" which while not ubiquitous seems strangely appropriate here. The match-ending kick by Corino would have worked better if he threw it like he was going for a KO and not casually knocking some debris off his lawn.

G: This was pretty damn crazy. I mean, Corino looked like Shane Hagedorn plus 20 years and no sunlight, but the match actually turned to not be too bad. Watching this made me realize how much I miss the old Necro. Necro took all of his usual bumps, like the side suplex on the opened chair. Loved his sell on that maneuver, clutching the back of his head and kicking his legs. Corino ended the match with a kick to the back of the head with a chair that came out of nowhere to end the match. Sure as hell caught me off guard.

9) Teddy Hart & Ruckus vs. TJ Wilson & Derek Frazier G: 5 B: 4

G: As in true Teddy Hart fashion, the kid had something to say pre-match, so that means my thumb met the fast-forward button. Ruckus and Fraiser had this great standoff toward the beginning of the match that had me marking, honestly. It was just so fucking tasty. What the hell happened to Derek Fraiser, anyway? Hart looked decent, but the announcers kept blowing him saying he was a submission master. Wish Benoit would've been able to stretch his neck. TJ Wilson (now Tyson Kidd) looked pretty damn good. His selling was acceptable and his in-ring was crisp, but I don't know about him being top 3 in the world like Erick Jones was saying. Fuck Teddy Hart, though.

Brian: The last dozen or more Teddy Hart matches I've seen started with him rambling on incoherently on the microphone. Ruckus and Frazier bust out an overly complicated sequence early but despite itself it worked. In Waking Life, a favorite film of both Geo and I, Speed Levitch says, "Life is a matter of a miracle that is collected over time by moments flabbergasted to be in each others presence." The grandeur, awe, wonderment, and reverence of that statement sadly doesn't apply to this match which instead is one messy congealed piece of gum on the bottom of the tennis shoe of life. Frazier is a good hand between the ropes but looks more like a teenaged MC Lyte fan than a fighter. Wilson shows signs of promise but hadn't at this point nor to this day topped his performance from early-'10 versus Rey Mysterio on WWE Superstars. In a match with so many dubious highspots the finish was far from the coolest thing thus keeping it from scoring higher.

Friday, April 22, 2011


Still Evolving baby....follow that evolution chart all the way to Muneori Sawa's crib

1) Chuck Taylor v. Mike Quackenbush- 4
2) Cheech & Cloudy v. Flip Kendrick & Louis Lyndon- 3
3) Jimmy Jacobs v. Adam Cole- 5
4) Sami Callihan v. Drake Younger- 4
5) Brad Allen v. Johnny Gargano v. Gran Akuma v. Jon Moxley v. Frightmare v. Rich Swann- 2
5) Mercedes Martinez v. Amazing Kong- 4
6) Kyle O"Reilly v. Ricochet- 3
7) Bryan Danielson v. Muneori Sawa- 5

Opening match features some Chiks (probably more clever in my head) Taylor's turning into quite the smarmy heel, guy could use a physique though. Little less Chicken McNugget Happy Meals and little more Stairmaster. I don't like when Quack does these intricate reversals and isn't even looking at his opponent when he comes at him? Does he have a third eye like the reptilian Tuatura? He does a Asai moonsault outside with balls hanging out, dear God, concussion city on the end of that one. I freakin love springboard moves- I do not like when the guy stands waiting as if trying to remember if he turned off the coffee machine. Good bit of story with the seatbelts rollup working, but I think the thing I want to know more than anything coming out of our opener is this: Chuck Taylor- Napoleon Dynamite, twins seperated at birth?

If there's 1 guy that could bring Karate back to the forefront of the world's mind, it's Louis Lyndon, sorry GSP. I jest, I get a kick out of his shtick. For some reason Cheech & Cloudy are that smaller team that shows up everywhere on the indys I don't mind. Them vs. Fantastics would be a fun way to kill 15 minutes. Flip Kendrick is in constant motion, rolling around like Sonic the Hedgehog. Liked the big kick combo in the corner from Up in Smoke, as Kendrick sells a huge savate kick as if Cheech let off a fart stemming from his arugala & blue cheese crumble salad from lunch. Match just went through the paces with a not a lot meaning much of anything, Finish I can take or leave, they had Kendrick hoisted up as if he was crowd surfing at a Dinosaur jr concert in '92, Seattle. Really goofy interview afterwards where now "crotching" a guy on the top buckle is a huge crime.

Feel free to disagree with me here, wrestling community (it's one of the things we do best) but with Jimmy Jacobs diversity, in both ability and personality, I really think it's a crime he's not been picked up by now. I know he's short but you're telling me you can make more money with Curt Hawkins? Rant aside, opening is what I think the opener tried to achieve, fun brisk armdrag sequence with both guys looking like they were in competition, not at a practice sesh. Reminds me of those damn Crist brothers, practicing their shit in a ring for 3 hours prior to a small indy show I worked with them. Give me a break...well, shit a 2nd rant and I've barely covered this match. It's coming, let me grab some Pringles and delve back in. Okay Cole looks identical to Chuck Taylor except even less muscle. Liked the transition into Jimmy's front choke but hated how Cole could just suplex him out of it; you're telling me no one else ever thought of that? You think American citizens like to eat? Well hell yeah we do but look at Jacobs; he's eating superkicks and German suplexes as well as anyone could chew through a fast food combo on 5 out of 7 days. Finish was smooth and worked. Nice job.

Sami v. Drake is a death match fan's dream, more than likely so is touching a woman's sexy flesh pocket and collecting the latest Elder Scolls expansion, but in the end this is a pure hard hitting wrestling match that never quite works in the end. Sami has so much enthusiasm in every single second of his performance. Younger, to me, still needs seasoning, not like a nice pork roast, but more as in needs a year or two more to develop some huge holes in his game; namely, how to sell. There's a spot where Sami is just piecing him in the face, punch after punch, and you'll see Drake acts as if there isn't a human being connecting knuckle to cheek on him. It's really stupid looking, for lack of use of a better insult. Later on, Drake shows some frustration, the one and only time you believe he's not a Surrogate (Bruce Willis reference) I don't know what crazy name it has but Sami's running version of Manami Toyota's shoulder suplex into the buckle rips my pants open in excitement.

Anybody buy that special DGUSA golden pass so they can come watch one of those huge multi-man FRAY matches? I imagine if you did, this is your cup of tea. Me, I don't drink tea and I didn't like this. Dive spot, one move per guy, then drops out of match, hardly any selling, checklist complete.

Still can't believe Bubba the fucking Love Sponge tried to start shit with Kong. This match kind of ruled, Kong's became a master of working against tough smaller opponents and making it seem like a legit fight, which was Vader's bread and butter. Great dive outside, wonder what local pool or nightclub she used to practice that at. Kong ate it like Rhaka Khan devoured Kurt Angle's pill supply before they broke up and pressed charges.

Couple fun moments here, first was Ricochet trying to break his neck by way of steel guard rail with a crazy triple flip outside. How did it make sense inside their match? Not much but was still pretty to look at. It actually didn't detract that bad, this was just a showcase for Ricochet though.

Does Sawa have the green stone from the much malinged Sega Gensis puzzle game "Columns" on his tights? Was looking forward to this to see Danielson before he became consumed in Entertainment, and damn he doesn't disappoint. Everyone remembers him having these really long scientific matches but he gets so much joy out of inflicting punishment on his opponent for long periods in the beginning. Danielson brings a saving grace on his side, all his MMA counters. If you've taken some classes from the local gym, why not add it in as a stipulation. Since I've tried unsuccessfully to download StrikeForce 1 three times now, my empty gas takn for MMA inspired beatings is sorely low. About halfway through, they start slapping each other like filming has begun (and I don't doubt this) for Jackass 4. One of them tells Danielson, "oh shit, we need to finish this story up," as I'm really not sure where it's going. Well it goes into a LeBell Lock, ode to Daniel Bryan. One thing that detracts from this is at no point did I feel like Sawa was winning, even when they exchanged the always exciting Abdominal Stretch.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

JAPW Notorious Thunder 5/22/10

1) Rhett Titus v. DJ Hyde- 2
2) Bandido jr v. Devon Moore - 3
3) Sara Del Ray v. Annie Social- 4
4) Garden State Gods v. Sami Callihan/ Chris Dickinson- 4
5) Eddie Kingston v. Steve Corino - 4
6) The Heavy Hitters v. The South Side Playaz- 3
7) Nick Gage v. Kevin Steen v. El Generico v. Egotistico Fantastico (Gauntlet Match)- 5
8) Dan Maff & Charlie Haas v. Necro Butcher & Brodie Lee- 4
9) Homicide v. Jushin Liger- 6

Titus had a breakout year in 2010, I'm guessing most didn't catch this dud. Hyde looked mildly bothered, as if a gnat were flying around his lemondae more so than in an athletic contest. Titus worked hard but seemed to realize it was pointless. Took a hell of a clothesline for the end though; wrong guy went over.

Saw Moore last year in C-Z-Dub, and he pissed me off walking around taking unprotected weapon shots like he was a hardass, here he stuck to a simple match where he seemed to be in control. Bandido jr looked like a younger Briscoe with none of the charisma. They ran through the paces, with really nothing sticking out.

Del Ray is in character, like her pissed off eyes after Social got one up on her. Social's large nips were hanging out trying some basic submissions early as Del Ray kicked her like a bag of garbage in a stimulating and violent scene. Liked the effort of Social trying to clamp on a triangle but she's no Diaz brother. Really nasty brainbuster finish and Geo's pants explode somewhere.

Sami gets taken out in a real bad looking spot to his arm but his selling is top notch on it. How disappointing as he's going to be the best thing in this. GSG are comprised of Mike Quest and Corvis Fear who seem to be a decent utility team that will never leave this promotion. I believe Fear busts out a Asai moonsault that would have Ultimo kicking dirt in disgust. Dickinson is going to need to go to Tazz's Indy finishing school to learn how to sell a suplex like you are a human being and not an indestructible robot. I'm not a fan of the backpack moves, couldn't think of a stranger thing to happen if you were in a fight, pick the guy up and let him mount your backside. Sami's back! Doesn't have the punch that tired line usually does, but i do dig a Slap/ Suplex combo as a fin.

Interesting match, as they fought for who's the better old school wrestler (i'm more of a Billy Robinson or Eric Darkstorm guy) as well as who's the better heel even though neither did much very heelish. The announce team was putting Corino over like he was Muhammed Ali or something; "73 tours of Japan, 73!" What's the Las Vegas odds he paid for sex each of those 73 visits, huh? +1,200? Anyways, I sort of liked these two together, really fun punch exchange that wasn't quite Frye-Takayama in PRIDE but possibly them a little tipsy at a barbeque reinacting that pivotal moment in MMA history in front of some friends. Kingston on target with the spinning back fist, up close and personal like when trying to use the knife to get a kill in Goldeneye. Could have been more fleshed out and the score would have went up.

Heavy Hitters issue an open challenge- these are never good on an indy show. South Side Playaz come out wearing Beverly Brothers trunks and accompanied by all the local strippers that $127 can buy for the evening. Monsta Mack's forehead is purple from....I don't know, but he's moving slow these days. Playaz weren't bad necessarily but just like Trish calling out MDogg 20 on Tough Enough, they didn't show a damn thing. Finish was all kinds of miscommunication, Matt Sexton looked like he was in a bouncy castle trying to stand up while climbing the top rope and I think the team of Affleck & Damon could make that finish look stiffer.

Steen comes to the ring with a bouquet of balloons looking like an even scarier version of Pennywise. Steen gets off on fucking with the most putrid fans he can find and he's damn good at it. I liked him rubbing some dude's hat on his balls and then him exchanging pleasantries with a Santa Claus lookalike who's literally 689 pounds with a t shirt that says "I Hate Everyone." Make sure you wear that one on your job interview and when your grandaughter visits, you gross human waste. Besides that, this fall was nothing. It's a fun social experiment within the confines of the mythos of pro wrestling as watching two masked wrestlers go at it and see how much more emotion Generico can get out of his than Ego, whether it's taking a move or getting hyped up on offense. Cameraman had an ECW flashback with the closeups. Have to dig the Brainbustahhhh! it looked good. Gage takes this into the crowd within 10 seconds and does absolutely nothing out there. Gage is a nasty fuck but I do dig him using 3 piledrivers in a row- kind of hurts the move when Generico just gets out of the 3rd though. Generico is like 1,000th the times what Mikey Whipwreck was supposed to be. Liked the ending, solid painful move that was out of nowhere.

There was a lot of good and bad in this, much like any season of the Office. I hated how Maff was just leaping into all of Necro's spots during the brawl, i'm guessing the Haas-Lee portion was as appealing as another VH1 dating show because nothing was shown of it. Necro was in a fun sort of Terry mood, riding stage props, folding guard rails and tables on Maff. The in ring portion continued the Funk love as he tried to smother Haas with a plastic shopping bag; looked like a terrorist took over a KMart and shoppers were trying to use the bags as covers for their mouths. Maff pulled off a lone suplex I dug; nasty half nelson on Brodie's big ass. Finish was a swerve, which felt way too predictable as the announcers droned on about their past together. Haas has a sick looping Kevin Von Erich punch but the bald look combined with generic standard issue 1st WWE run with tribals all over them made him look as dangerous as Russo hooked up to a lie detector machine.

The big main was split into 2 BMD's but i've seen the first 10 minutes or so and i'm enjoying them. Has an old school build to it; love how Liger always just opens with some kind of neat submission, his locks are still some of the smoothest. Homicide seems real pumped to be in this spot, selling the bow and arrow as if a dragon is vomiting fire on his back, and trying to later break a hold with his tongue. They actually turned in a cool ending sequence, liked the double splashes they both did with the knees up, don't see that much. I heard the announcers trying to put over the locker room emptying to watch but i didn't see a soul- plus that's played out anyways. Good ending, bet it feels nice to give something at least 3 seconds worth a sell for Homicide since leaving the hallowed halls of Orlando.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

JCW Flashlight Friday Night: Legends and Loonies 8/13/10

1. "Screams In the Night": Kamala & The Haters vs. Rock n' Roll Express & Tommy Rich - 2
2. "Feuding Famous Family Names": "Cowboy" Bob Orton vs. "Bullet" Bob Armstrong - 1
3. "Revenge Of The Bully": "Richie Boy" Bryer Wellington & Geeves vs. U-Gene & Brian Christopher - 2
4. "Good Ol' Scrap": "Southern" Tracy Smothers vs. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan - 4
5. "Out For Blood": Gangrel & Kevin Thorn vs. PG-13 - 4

This show is being held outside at 4AM lit by flashlights held by fans at ringside. By fans I mean disgusting abominations with claws and breadsticks as arms looking like unused villains from the He-Man and the Masters of the Universe series. The NWA all-star team in the opener looked about as bloated as a corpse found in the Mississippi River. The good 'ol boys favor the kneelift. There's something about bleached blonde mullets that just screams "wrestling!" Lots of expletives from both the talent and Violent J who is doing live commentary at ringside. This would have been a sort of cool oddity and treat had I been able to see much of it but they turned off the house lights then used one poorly managed spotlight which failed to illuminate the bulk of the action. The finish saw some sort of fleshly dogpile. The lights come on post-match and after seeing Tommy Rich in all his faded glory I'm quickly wishing they'd turn them promptly back off.

I'm sure the smell of stale cigarette smoke and soda and rapist regret filled the air that night. "Bullet" is wearing his old mask which I could have swore the Stud Stable confiscated. Maybe we'll get a Robert Fuller cameo? Months before being inducted into the WWE HoF Armstrong was literally wrestling in the dark. If Randy's a viper than his father's a trouser snake. If I had a time machine I'd go back and give "Bullet" Bob a vasectomy before he had all those sons. Armstrong gets the win with the lousiest sunset flip in recorded history.

If Bryer is rich why doesn't he buy some nicer gear? It starts off innocuously enough as a singles until Christopher pops and locks and dances his way into the ring and our hearts. The DVD listed this as a three-way but Wellington's butler Geeves gets tossed in -- I guess this was like a stew you season to taste but they put in a pinch too much of bullshit for my palate. Brian is working harder than anyone else thus far on the show so I've got to at least give him credit for that. The heels feed themselves to U-Gene's punches like his hand's a giant magnet and they're wearing tin suits. The ending is some roll-up where U-Gene was bouncing on the bottom rope like a doofus and got surprised. This was to good wrestling as an accidental fall dick-first into a blender is to good news.

My son is only eleven months old and has more teeth in his mouth than Smothers does. Tracy bumps and stooges well off of all of Duggan's offense. I wonder if they paid Tracy first or just shoved the crystal meth right up his nose? Jim's punches look like he's swinging a lunchbox. The ending involved Smothers' "daughter" Isabella gouging Jim in the ribs leading to another lousy roll-up finish but the body of this match was surprisingly likable and majestic. I wonder what Isabella gave up for Lent? The rumor is semen so hopefully she found protein alternatives in her diet.

With Hollywood being obsessed with vampires nowadays it's only appropriate Gangrel and Thorn find themselves teaming together in 2011. Gangrel would suck McMahon dry and not because he's a bloodsucker but to get his job back if you catch my drift. Wolfie looked like he hadn't missed a meal but probably an algebra class or fifty. Thorn looks perturbed his usual Friday night of writing Dollhouse fan fiction has been ruined. Oddly enough the sun has suddenly came out, which, while illuminating the action better, ruins the vampire mystique. Gangrel isn't sparkling but he is sweating (profusely). Thorn looks like Bobby Roode's goth twin brother that listens to Bauhaus and gives himself superficial cuts on his wrist to attract attention. Wolfie wearing a Chicago Bulls jersey almost makes me not want to go see them versus the Pacers but I've got NBA Playoffs tickets and not even that fashion faux pas will prevent me from attending. I'll alter one of my idol Booker T's lines when I scream, "Tell me I did not just see that!" While brawling on a makeshift ramp Thorn gets his face raked on a woman's bare voluptuous breasts at ringside. He sells an eyeful of areola. This started to feel like some sort of John Cassavetes' cinéma vérité filmmaking and less like a wrestling match as the level of surreality was unmeasurable. J.C. Ice works with the emotional depth of a children's flip book. Ice smashes Kevin in the face with a hubcap to end this nightmarish science experiment of a show.

Monday, April 18, 2011

PWG - Cyanide: A Loving Tribute to Poison

Your resident PWG mark here. The year of 2010 has been absolutely amazing for this company. Having seen all the releases, I can safely say that it is between PWG and CHIKARA for best indy promotion of the year in my book. This show is the finale to 2010, and I have a feeling it's going to end the year strong. Let's do this.

"Pretty" Peter Avalon vs. Willie Mack - 5

Willie Mack makes his debut tonight. He looks pretty immobile, but my fears of that were put to bed instantly as this big dude can totally hang. He was hitting all sorts of offense I would not have believed capable. Avalon stuck in there, getting beat the shit out of early on in the match. I love his bumping. He's so thin that a feather could knock him down. He started taking it to Mack harder as the match progressed. Mack stayed on defense for quite a bit of time, eating Avalon's offense like a Porterhouse. The fans obviously love this guy and hate Avalon. Willie hit this fucking amazing "Chocolate Thunder Bomb" that folded Avalon in half. Great debut for the big man. I can't wait to see more of him in the future.

Roderick Strong vs. Chuck Taylor - 4

Can't wait for this. Two really amazing indy workers having at it. Taylor grabbed a fan's jacket to cover himself from Roderick's chops. This guy has a great personality and is great at connecting with the fans. Chuck's facial expressions while eating Roderick's chops were great and really conveyed a sense of comedic pain. Roderick hit his sick offense on Chuck, who just kept eating everything Roddy dished out. It was quite sick. Roderick looked rather passionate-less throughout the match, kind of like he was running the ropes (a usual knock on him), but Chuck was just emoting all over the place. Roderick's gut buster and rack-backbreaker were taken oddly by Chuck - almost as if they didn't hardly connect at all, which was rather glaring. Overall, it was still good, but not as good as it could be.

The Cutler Bros vs Johnny Goodtime & Johnny Yuma - 6

I fucking love me some ROCKNES Monsters and Cutlers. Yuma is still new to the company, so he's the one I'm least familiar with, but the other three are awesome in my mind. Goodtime has this excellent balance of recklessness and prudence in the ring that lends to his awesomeness. Goodtime frenetic and outlandish character came across in the ring by grabbing the Christmas hat that Brandon Cutler was wearing to Irish Whip him into the ropes. Yuma struck me as a squirrel on cocaine by the way he moves in the ring and his general personality in said ring, but he connected with his offense. Goodtime smashed Brandon's face in Dustin's crotch which created an even awkward moment considering they are brothers. Cutler's were dominating Yuma in the ring, who sold everything they did well by laying limper than HHH's phallus while Steph strip teases. Sick dives, sick offense, and great performances, especially by Goodtime. PS: FUCKING AMAZING FINISH!~!~!

Brandon Gatson vs. Joey Ryan - 5

Joey started working over the arm of Gatson after hitting a nice single arm DDT of the middle rope. A couple of 80s style limb-work maneuvers later, Ryan would continue to walk on the arm harder and harder. Gatson went for his cartwheel elbow in the corner, only to have Ryan drop kick him while upside-down in the elbow. Digging this psych, man. Gatson was screaming in pain every time Ryan would pick apart his arm. Excellent work there. I wish Ryan would connect his moves, though. Instead of having no transition between, say, a Fujiwara and a Kimura, he'd simply hit the Fujiwara, walk around, then go into the Kimura. He didn't do this exact example, just trying to get my point across. A nice catch-style match that had a cool breakdown near the end. Dug that arm work, man. Really good performance by Joey.

Bryan Taylor & Ryan Taylor vs. The Young Bucks - 4

Oh joy, the Bucks are back. They seemed to be working a comedy shtick early on in the match, bumping around like a couple of brash, young Shawn The Taylor boys would end up just stiffing the hell out of them to my enjoyment. The fans were eating up the Bucks' arrogant prick heel tactics. They looked like morons (more-so than usual). I'd rather work for the Umbrella Corporation than with these shits. Excalibur stated that Ryan Taylor was trained by Roderick Strong. You can totally see the influence - like Davey with Kyle O'Reilly. Taylor's busted out an electric chair dive (think Doomsday Device outside) which looked freaking incredible, busting the backs of the heads of the Bucks on some chairs. There was a glaring spot that just made me shake my head, though: (follow me on this) Ryan Taylor had Max in the standing fireman's carry position in an attempt to hit a GTS, but Jeremy came in for the save with a superkick. Taylor literally threw Max off of his shoulders behind him to eat the kick. What sense does that make? Why would you move your opponent to eat a piece of offense yourself? Hmmm. Bucks hit some shitty super kicks to finish off the match with More Bang for Your Buck to the pop of the fans. Yuck.

Kevin Steen vs. Akira Tozawa - 7

Tozawa has had an amazing year on the West Coast. The crowd brawl was great. Both guys were taking Christmas present shots to the head, which oddly included a pane of wrapped glass. Tozawa's screaming vocal selling is always welcome and quite amusing. Then... HOLY FUCKING SHIT... SHIT! Tozawa went for a dive, but Steen caught him and POWERBOMBED HIM ONTO THE RING APRON RIGHT ON HIS NECK!!!! AAAAHHHH!!! Sweet God that was sickening! Tozawa kept getting fired up, but Steen kept beating him down. This would continue with the bumps getting bigger and stiffer for Toz, who ate everything with gusto. Tozawa had an awesome showing in this match, just taking such sick offense. Props. But, oh my friends, Steen took some sick shit, too, mainly a German suplex on the apron~! Are you serious?~! Love this shit!

Kings of Wrestling vs. Peligro Abejas - 5

I was really looking forward to this when I saw it on the lineup. Both of these teams are just excellent and both provide something very different in the ring. KoW have this great European/Puro style, while Generico and London have this great Lucha/Puro infused style. This match had what I like to call a "controlled sprint" feel to it -- like structured insanity. Hero and Claudio forced Generico and London into their element by hitting high impact strikes and dominating them on the mat, while Generico and London busted out the dives and high impact maneuvers to gain the upper-hand. Just a very well-structured match that was very easy to watch and enjoy.

Match Average: 5

So PWG ends the year strong. I have high hopes for 2011, and I know this company can deliver.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Larry Sweeney

I loved this man. Here's one of my favorite promos of his from back in 2005. R.I.P, Larry.

Quickies #1: CHIKARA March 2011

In this series, you will find short, concise reviews of stuff I've recently watched. These aren't supposed to be full, thorough reviews, just basically a stream of conciousness, if you will. Kicking off this new series will be the March 2011 CHIKARA shows. I know Geo will be reviewing these as part of his ongoing series, but I figured that I would offer up my thoughts on them as well. Enjoy.


CHIKARA Operation Big Freeze 3/12/11
1) Da Soul Touchaz vs. Tim Donst & Pinkie Sanchez – 4
2) Madison Eagles vs. Toshie Uematsu – 5
3) Eddie Kingston vs. Archibald Peck – 3
4) Dasher Hatfield, Sugar Dunkerton, & 3.0 vs. Brodie Lee, Grizzly Redwood, Vin Gerard, & Stigma – 6
5) Fire Ant vs. Icarus - 6
6) The Osirian Portal & Hieracon vs. Kizarny, Obaryion, & Kodama - 4
7) Wille Richardson vs. Tursas - 3
8) Mike Quackenbush, Hallowicked, & Frightmare vs. Claudio Castagnoli, Tim Donst, & Sara Del Ray - 4

Seen the Touchaz before live and they’ve got some good offense didn’t show it here though. Crowd didn’t know who they were. Acid Jazz bumped pretty well. BDK team just really put forth much effort. Match didn’t have much heat. Women’s match was pretty good. Uematsu is a former WCW Women’s Cruiserweight champion? Never heard of that title. Liked the surfboard stretch submissions from Eagles. Had some comedy worked in as well and a good nearfall off an Eagles brainbuster. Peck and his marching band gimmick are both useless. His offense is sloppy and weak and his valet is one of those “butterface” type girls. Eddie had a WTF look when Peck came out. Nice to see Eddie destroy him after a brief skirmish. 8-Man tag was a lot of fun. The basketball tip off spot was something you can only find in CHIKARA. Stigma looked like a really bad backyard wrestler, working in jeans and a hoodie with his mask on. Never been a big fan of Icarus but I was pleasantly surprised by his match with Fire Ant. Couple miscues in the Kizarny match, most notably where Obariyon and Kodama tried a dropkick/suplex double team move and completely whiffed the dropkick. Kizarny seemed lazy in the ring. Really impressed by Hieracon, seems like Jonathan Gresham has given new life to a somewhat stale Portal act. Semi-main was a big man battle that was just like any other big man battles where both guys try to knock the other off their feet with big powerful moves. Noticed that Tursas cut his beard down too. Main event six-person felt really choreographed during the first half and just a giant mess during the last half. Hallowicked has slimmed down some. Didn’t seem like anyone really exerted more energy that needed to get by. Overall, a fun show but not a recommendable show by any means.


CHIKARA Creatures From the Tar Swamp 3/13/11
1) Green Ant vs. Jakob Hammermier – 3
2) The Osirian Portal & Heiracon vs. Tim Donst, Pinkie Sanchez, & Tursas – 5
3) Vin Gerard & Stigma vs. 3.0 – 0
4) Toshie Uematsu vs. Sara Del Ray – 5
5) Dasher Hatfield & Sugar Dunkerton vs. Brodie Lee & Grizzy Redwood – No DQ Lumberjack Match – 6
6) Frightmare vs. Obariyon – 4
7) Ultramantis Black vs. Kizarny – 3
8) Mike Quackenbush & Jigsaw vs. Fire Ant & Soldier Ant – Best of Three Falls Match - 5
9) Eddie Kingston vs. Claudio Castagnoli - 6

Quite the opposite from the previous night’s festivities. Opener was primarly a way to start getting Hammermier over as a wrestler but he got knocked senseless from a Green Ant lariat. Six-man tag developed out of the interference at the end of the first bout. Match was a lot better than I thought it would be on paper. Portal’s double and triple team manuevers were just mind boggling they were so crisp. The BDK members did their role well but didn’t stray much from their formula. Ophidian’s dive onto Tursas at the end was wild. Not sure what happened with 3.0 and the Unstable, as the match never happened after a skirmish on the outside, but I was left scratching my head. Ladies match was hella good. Both of them worked really well together. Favorite match by far of the first half of the show was the lumberjack match. I was surprised that a video package was put together for it. It had all the feel of a big blow-off match, unlike any WWE or TNA blow-off match recently. Dasher had on a Brooklyn Dodgers jersey, probably paying homage to the late Duke Snider who played outfield for Brooklyn during the glory years of the 50s. Had the big dive spot where Dasher and Sugar dove onto everyone. Sugar really stepped up his game and went toe-to-toe with Brodie. Finish was stolen from the Cena/Batista match at last year’s Extreme Rules PPV with Dasher taping Brodie to the ringpost. Probably the best CHIKARA match I’ve seen in ages. Next two bouts had their issues. I don’t buy for one second that Frightmare could bust out his finisher and not sell anything mere seconds after getting knocked loopy on the apron and taking a 19-count to get back in. Kizarny focused mainly on the mask of Ultramantis. While Mantis got some shots in here and there, it was all Kizarny. Final fall of the three falls match was good. Had a lot of close nearfalls and a big dive into the crowd. First two falls were basically mat work and reversals. Main was a decent match. Had interference from the BDK cronies and a ref bump. Kingston’s work and Claudio’s heel tactics were enough to save it. Crowd did seem dead at spots, probably from blowing their loads earlier in the evening. Not a bad show overall, even though Mantis and Kizarny dragged.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

WCW Monday Nitro 7/31/00

Right now I'm neck-deep in our forthcoming Best 200 Matches in WCW Monday Nitro History project so you'd think the last thing I'd want to watch in my free time would be more WCW. But, with this blog, I always intend on finishing what I start, so here's the third and final piece of my trilogy of articles reviewing the Monday Nitro events I was fortunate enough to attend live in Cincinnati. This one was a lot of fun, as far as the card, it's clear the level of talent had dropped considerably, but I went with lifelong friends (and NHO co-founder) Jessie and his two cousins Chris and Daryl so we enjoyed ourselves.

1. Big Vito vs. Buff Bagwell - 3

2. Kwee Wee vs. the Artist - 3

3. WCW US & WCW Hardcore Champion Lance Storm vs. WCW Cruiserweight Champion Chavo Guerrero Jr. - 3

The show opened with a ten-bell salute to Gordon Solie. Booker T and Jarrett had a pretty wild brawl to open the program including Booker doing a pretty epic sell on a chair shot. Opener starts off surprisingly fast-paced but Buff's mom Judy is on commentary and that distracts. Vito had nice punches. Backstage Kwee Wee slaps Ernest Miller with a fluffy pink slipper. Artist meets Kwee Wee in the aisle and they start pummeling each other. I don't think I've ever seen Austin get such lift off a Thesz Press as Wee did here. Artist eats a backdrop and sells like an alien mollusk is ripping through his back. Artist is in jeans and a t-shirt, they say it's "hardcore gear" but it looks like he just lost his luggage. There's too many goofy backstage skits to mention here. Chavo shows some fire missing from, well, most of his WWE career. Chavo takes a bump to the floor off of a phantom dropkick. Storm targets the leg and Chavo twirls around like a little girl playing ballet princess in her room. This moved quick but nothing had time to settle nor mean much.

4. Sting vs. Jeff Jarrett - 4

5. WCW Tag Team Champions Kronik vs. Mark Jindrak & Sean O'Haire vs. Vampiro & the Great Muta - 2

6. Shane Douglas vs. Billy Kidman - Viagra on a Poll Match - 2

This is the sort of laissez-faire brawling around the ringside and ramp that Jarrett did to death in TNA. Still, nicer seeing them here when they were still able to move around easier, Sting today looks like he's aged twenty years from then. The crowd was hot, though, and my fears of a screwy finish were alleviated, so this was fairly good for a shorter sprint and left Sting looking strong going into the main event later. Next was a huge mess that left my head hurting. People weren't even standing in the corners waiting for tags instead just casually wandering around the apron and interjecting themselves. The referee was of no help. The finishing sequence was overly elaborate and they didn't pull it off. Kronik, the faces, needing to use a chair? Jindrak completely no-selling a bodyslam to pop up and bust out a super hurricanrana off the top? Clark lying on his side like he was on a sofa waiting to cover Muta so they could do their stupid "two pinfalls at the same time" routine to cause further confusion? To quote my inspirational mentor Charlie Brown, "Good grief!" Viagra on a Poll Match? Fuck you Vince Russo. You ruined wrestling you sycophant scoundrel. Fatass Mark Madden spouts off some nonsensical shit about all the past classic VonP matches over time including classics with Baba, Thesz, etc. Sticking Torrie Wilson with Shane Douglas was about as good an idea as sharing a needle with Magic Johnson or watching a Uwe Boll film. Douglas brings shame to Bret Hart by aping his sternum-first bump into the buckles. This match felt like it was on fast-forward with them never stopping to let anything resonate. The funny thing is the Viagra bottle errantly breaks on a blown spot and slices Douglas' back open. Post-match Torrie rubs Billy's face in a pile of pills not unlike a usual weekend at their residence. Madden says, "I don't want to even get into the time Andre the Giant won one of these things".

7. Ms. Hancock vs. Major Gunns - Hardcore Match - 2

8. Scott Steiner vs. Kevin Nash - Straightjacket Match - 
9. WCW World Champion Booker T vs. Sting - 4

The women start fighting backstage and Gunns' blows a spot in the shower being too dumb to figure out how to turn on the water so Hancock sells phantom aqua. They brawl in catering and stuff pastries into each other's faces while Sgt. AWOL and David Flair are inexplicably fighting out in the ring. Not the first time Stacy Keibler had white stuff all over her face. Hancock wins with a bodyslam? Probably the second most important bodyslam in the history of the business right behind Hogan/Andre. If you believe that I've got a Best of Sal Thomaselli that I'd love to sell you. Kidman is backstage and approaches a group of girls with a raging erection in his gym shorts: why do I think Russo was feverishly beating off to this? They do a horrible job explaining the straightjacket gimmick. They change tunes a couple times, Steiner looks like a sausage that's been on the grill too long and its casing is about to pop, and Rick Steiner's interference and inability to assist in involuntarily stuffing someone into a straightjacket all kill this thing dead.

Next match could have been a big deal on PPV but they wasted it here. Tony says Booker's ax kick hurt him worse than it did Sting, which I found odd, considering Sting was face-down and motionless on the mat and Booker calmly crawled over to make a cover after it. Sting rolled out of the ring only to be dragged under it by some mysterious, meaty hands -- when he escapes he's now sporting a suspiciously clean cut on his forehead that appears it was made be a razor but that wouldn't make sense, right? A neat little finishing sequence that saw some counters and Booker ending up hitting the "Book End" and retaining the title. Even if Sting was "weakened" it was still nice seeing Booker getting a big win. Post-match Sting drags his earlier assailant the Demon out from under the ring but the "Brothers in Paint" Vampiro and Great Muta race down to assist in the mauling. The show ends with Jarrett hanging Booker by his ankle from an 80-ft. rope (don't tell the NAACP) and Sting being stuffed into some sort of coffin-structure that's set afire in a sort of art instillation even Banksy wouldn't touch.

Monday, April 11, 2011

R.I.P. Larry Sweeney

I was looking for a Sweeney match to review due to his death which is a tradition I started back when the crabby Gran Naniwa passed. I found this. Sweeney's upper-body looks better than I recall. They're wrestling on the set of WWE Velocity. Who the hell is Joe Negron and why isn't he signed? Hey someone played Garrison Cade's entrance video when Negron strutted down the aisle and I imagine they were promptly terminated. Negron's selling of an opening shot is very robotic -- almost computer-like in its unnatural precision. I must have missed this episode of Velocity. Larry is busting out moves I've never seen before. I think something is up. When I'm brawling on the floor the first thing I think to do is wrap my thighs around my opponent's head and squeeze too -- just like RVD did to Anderson up in the rafters on iMPACT! 4/7/11. The commentator says its a very "psychological match" but it just seems like a strand of random moves with little to no storytelling or sustained selling. How does Negron get that beanie to stay on his head the whole time? Negron rises from a powerslam like Undertaker circa '93. I guess there's no countouts? They bust out a sequence that calls back Maeda vs. Takada 1/15/90. The pinfall seemed to come out of nowhere. A nice find as some shots almost looked like CGI so this was certainly not a Smart Mark or RF Video release and while not top-shelf Sweeney this match was unlike any I've ever seen before and the best tribute I could do on short notice.

Chikara "Chaos in the Sea of Lost Souls" January 23, 2011 & "Caught in a Cauldron of Hate" February 19, 2011

The Beginning of Season 10~! I'm planning on reviewing every CHIKARA release that we get this year. Let the madness begin!

FIST vs. The Osirian Portal - 6

We start off with a sweeter than aspartame dance-off. Bryce took the floor and served every son-of-a-bish within a 10-mile radius -- poppin' moves left and right. Gargano seems to have found his niche in FIST, and I personally believe that he's made a better third member than Akuma ever did. He just fits the mold better. Icarus hit a nice sequence of vertical suplexes and transitioned into a choke hold that I found to be quite interesting. He also sold a stunner better than the Rock ever did. Jonathan Gresham, who know dons a mask and is known as Heirechon) looked good as usual, making use of his quick and controlled offense. FIST made use of their unique offense, hitting a burning hammer double stomp lung blower on Ophidian. Yep. The moves were coming quick and hard, and each guy was tearing it up. This was the quintessential opener and it worked great.

Daizee Haze vs. Madison Eagles - 5

Eagles has a ridiculous height advantage on Haze and she made use of it. Some really nice mat wrestling going on early in the match. Madison had the arm control on Haze, and Daizee had the leg control on Madison. I'm liking this already. Haze feigned a nose injury after suffering a legitimate one at the finale last year. That was quite a nice touch. Haze went back to the leg of Eagles after a break, which really struck a nice chord with me because I love sustained psych... something Davy Richards never really got a grasp on. Madison also kept limping throughout which made me even more happy.

The Roughnecks vs. The Throwbacks - 5

I'm digging this feud these two are having. It's cool seeing a pumped Dasher and Sugar. I enjoyed the scorn look on Dunkerton's face throughout, conveying a message of hate and seriousness. Brodie was tearing it up, beating the crap out of Dunkerton. Dunkerton did a great job of getting the fans behind him throughout the match, really turning up the emotions of the crowd. Brodie's strikes looked really stiff, too, but Dunkerton shoved them back in his face. I'm digging this~! Dunkerton took a powerbomb on the outside onto the ring steps that garnered a "OHHH!" from Bryce and I. I loved the decimation of the Throwbacks in this, solidifying the dominating factor by the Roughnecks.

Da Soul Touchaz vs. Tursas, Sara Del Rey, & Lince Dorado - 5

Touchaz vowed a more serious attitude. I already dug them before, so this should be even better. Things got started off hot, with DST charging the ring and going after the BDK team. Sabado was doing his best at getting cheap heat as the ref by not seeing tags and getting in the way. His shtick is just too fun. Rocket's selling was the best out of all the participants. After the hot tag he laid on the apron and sold nearly the entire time that Jazz was in the ring. Jazz hit this sick reverse STO on Lince who spiked himself on his head so much that RVD would be jealous. Lince was bumping like a crash test dummy, even taking a sky high-esque maneuver from Willie on the middle rope. Add a unique finish to he match and you've got a good one.

Hallowicked & Frightmare vs. Obariyon & Kodama - 4

The neon green monsters are awesome, but you already knew that. Frightmare hit a sick leg drop on Obariyon, who landed on his neck. Incoherence was functioning like a well-oiled pumpkin machine, but both seemed to screw up their headscissors. The Batiri (OB and KOD) have this great Jr. Heavyweight Puro style to them that is just awesome to watch. I'm really glad both of these guys are part of the company. Bodhi came out to calliope music with a new member to the roster who looked to be shorter than Frightmare and as energetc as a squirrel on angeldust, speed, and crack all at the same time. Mantis came out and more havoc ensued...ECW style.

Ultramantis Black vs. Sinn Bodhi - 2

Feeding in from the last match, both guys started brawling on the outside. Bohdi's outfit looked like Pennywise crossed with a pedophilic icecream man. Totally not judging, though. Bodhi looked pretty bad after getting fired from WWE and gaining 60 lbs. This turned into more angle development rather than an actual match, with Sabado as the ref. Simply not good. God help the man known as Sinn Bodhi, for he needs to bathe in a pool of acid to cleanse his disgusting pores.

Eddie Kingston vs. El Generico - 7

King looks to have put on a few pounds, but I was still poppin for this like a madman. I love both of these guys. Generico was eating Kingston's chops with gusto, as was Kingston with Generico's speedy offense. I loved seeing Generico take the chops and consequently grabbing his chest and and grimacing. He's so great at emoting despite being under a mask. Kingston brought out that badass New Yorker flair that worked great. Excellent back and forth complete with some stiff shots and great moments of heat made for a fun as hell match. The Yakuza kick battle turned out to be great as well. Oh yeah, I forgot: KINGSTON TOOK A FREAKING BRAINBUSTER ON THE APRON!~!~! AHHH!!! I. loved. this. match.

Mike Quackenbush, Jigsaw & The Colony vs. Claudio Castagnoli, Ares, Delirious & Tim Donst - 4

Los campeonatos nueves Quack and Jigsaw teaming up with The Colony to take on the BDK? I'll take it. The BDK team seemed to be a cohesive unit, all picking apart the technico team methodically. Jigsaw did a great job of getting the fans behind him in this match after taking a bunch of beatings by the BDK. Jig took quite the beating, but the hot tag to Fire Ant led to some of the ever-interesting offense by the ants. I do find myself wishing the ants were a bit stiffer in the ring, though. While it wasn't a really good match, it was acceptable and a decent finish to the show.

Match Average: 4.75
See: FIST vs. Osirian Portal; Kingston vs. Generico; Roughnecks vs. Throwbacks

---------"Caught in a Cauldron of Hate---------

Claudio Castagnoli vs. Dasher Hatfield - 4

I swear Claudio can work with anyone. You put him in there with anyone from Davey Richards to Dasher Hatfield and you'll get, if nothing else, at least a fun match. While this match wasn't necessarily groundbreaking, it was still fun to watch. Claudio was getting heat by avoiding Dasher and jawing with the crowd. Dasher was getting worked over by Claudio, but had that really great babyface comeback. Loved the end of the match, with Claudio calling out Kingston, hitting the Ricola Bomb on Hatfield.

3.0 vs. Vin Gerard & Stigma - 3

3.0 went into this match with the objective of making Vin Gerard to quit being such a jerk, moreover, to get him to smile. Interesting. The first part of the match was quite awkward. Trying to get Vin Gerard to smile is about as futile as hoping gas prices will come down. I just wasn't feeling this match, to be honest. Nothing set it apart from and made it special.

Icarus vs. Gregory Iron - 4

So presents itself the perfect opportunity for Icarus to get cheap heat. For those of you who don't know, Greg Iron has physical disabilities from cerebral palsy, leaving him with one immobile arm. Iron had the crowd being him 100%, seeing as everyone hates Icarus. Iron busted out this Zach Gowen-esque dive (using the legs to assist in a rotation) which looked great. Loved the fin, a DVD into the buckles to finish the match. Short, but worked well.

Brodie Lee vs. Sugar Dunkerton - 5

I dug the tag match from the season opener, so I can't wait for this. I love a serious Sugar. Brodie is so stiff and I love it. The best part about this match was the fact that Sugar was hanging in there with Brodie, stiffing him back after receiving some stiff shots himself. This is excellent build to the Throwbacks/Roughnecks feud. Sugar just outdid himself in the match by screaming and yelling as he locked Brodie's legs around the post in a Sharpshooter. Excellent. Nice striking, nice brawling, really good match.

The Osirian Portal vs. The Colony - 4

Really crisp and clean trios action going down in Reading. Tonight was Green Ant's return to the ring after his injury at last year's YLC. I loved the way both teams played off of one another throughout the match. Ophidian stepped up his game tonight and laid in his stuff, including a really sweet looking running kick the chest of Fire Ant. Hierecon looked awesome as well, playing the catch style game of chess with the Ants. This had your typical CHIKARA six man written all over it, and it did deliver; however, a really odd finished plagued the match.

Frightmare vs. Rich Swann - 5

These two were a perfect match for one another. Swann busted out some personality in the match, channeling his inner heel by making homoerotic cat pawings towards audience members. My mind is blown. The energy throughout this match was quite amazing, as both guys were just move for move with one another. I loved the lucha-inspired chain wrestling going on in center of the mat, warranting a change of pants. Swann's heel persona really shined through here as he ate a nice kneecolepsy and took the 2009 Rookie of the Year's offense, selling it very well.

Max Boyer vs. Tim Donst - N/R

Hallowicked was beating the crap out of Tim Donst behind the curtain, thus we never really got a match out of this as Boyer simply pinned Donst for the 1-2-3.

Eddie Kingston vs. Johnny Gargano - 5

Sabado playing heel ref in a non-BDK match? Interesting. Match started off really slow with the fans chanting for every submission that was put on, which got old quick. I loved the hand psych going on in the match after Kingston attempted a backfist on the outside, but hit the post instead. This worked really well seeing as King uses the backfist as a finisher. In great classic King fashion, he sold his hand like a champion. He went for these elbows but kept his hand out of the way as to not injure it more. I loved the little subtle things he does to convey the message that a body part is injured. Gargano simply keeps making his mark in the company, and I'm really glad to see him venturing into some single matches.

Quack and Jigsaw vs. The Bitiri (Obariyon and Kodama) - 6

The Bitiri are beasts. I love the intensity on their demonic green faces. I was making sure to pay attention to the Bitiri's selling throughout the match seeing as I never really paid that much attention to that aspect of their in-ring before, and I have to say that I was quite impressed. They were shouting and grimacing with every piece of offense they took. I enjoyed the leg psych on Jigsaw after he got his leg caught in the rope, especially how there was this almost beast-like quality in Obariyon and Kodama once they saw that Jigsaw had an injury. Jigsaw's selling was some of the best I've seen out of him I really dig the intensity of the Bitiri, and can't wait to see them live this coming June. This was a good match. Things were taken slowly and the spots came in spurts and not all at once a la the CHIKARA matches at the DGUSA shows.

Match Average = 4.5
See: Brodie vs. Dunkerton; QuackSaw vs. Bitiri


1. "Chaos in the Sea of Lost Souls" January 23, 2011
2. "Caught in a Cauldron of Hate" February 19, 2011