ECW TV 8/22/06

1. Torrie Wilson vs. Kelly Kelly – Extreme Bikini Contest – 0
Thankfully, this lasted all of a few seconds. Torrie did a little striptease, similar to the one she does when she’s trying to get some extra spending money out of Billy Kidman. When Kelly started disrobing, Mike Knox and Test arrived and disrupted the putrid proceedings.

2. Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, and Torrie Wilson vs. Mike Knox, Test, and Kelly Kelly – 1
The only things weaker than Knox’s stomps are Sandman’s punches. Dreamer sells everything like he’s being punished, and by that I mean, his exaggerated acting brings to mind a poor guy being whipped in some hellhole of a jail, where they feed you bread and gasoline. Sandman’s “Rolling Rock” somersault from the top is absolutely awful. Kelly’s not even standing on the apron with her teammates. Sandman gets knocked backwards off the top by Knox, and oddly uses his feet and legs to break the fall before doing what you’d logically do, and landing on his back. Knox sells Dreamer’s DDT like Val Venis would, and that’s a compliment.

3. Kevin Thorn vs. Balls Mahoney – 3
Thorn’s in a “bite club?” To quote Little Pete, he can “bite my shorts, blowhole!” Low-impact brawling on the outside; can somebody tell Balls hitting someone in the head with a bottle of distilled water is totally not hardcore? Balls’ sit-out spinebuster is a step in the right direction, though. Thorn almost loses Balls, nearly dropping him, when doing his lame finisher.

4. CM Punk vs. Christopher W. Anderson – 3
Anderson’s cross-armbreaker was the highlight of this particularly quick squash, seeing Punk get yet another win. Punk should leave the running bulldog (or bulldogging headlock as it’s referred to on WCW Wrestling for the NES) to the Texans.

5. Rob Van Dam vs. Danny Doring – 2
A short and completely tolerable squash, I’d have liked to seen it go another 8 minutes or so, and have Doring get in at least a little offense.

6. Sabu vs. Big Show – 3
Sabu’s pre-match promo was about as awkward as going out on a first date with a beautiful girl, and vomiting all over her while eating dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant that you’d saved your allowance to take her to. Show hoists Sabu up, then drops him stomach-first on the ropes in an ugly spot. Sabu’s punches, and Show’s subsequent sells are totally unbelievable and ridiculous. Ref bump, shortly followed by Show delivering a hellacious fallaway slam. Sabu “goes nuts”, which is stupid, and gets himself disqualified for repeatedly drilling Show in the head with the ringbell, leading to some pretty heavy bleeding by slob Show. After the final bell shot, Show clumsily falls out of the ring, and through a nearby table that was against the apron, in the laziest and lamest table bump in quite awhile.