3PW Su-Su-Superfly (12/27/03)
What a way for Philadelphians to spend post-Christmas of '03. The opening video highlight reel shows them imitating ECW, pushing the envelope even further (into stupidity), with a cat fight that saw Missy Hyatt's tit fall out of her top, New Jack diving off balconies to the disappointment of his spine, and Sabu, doing what else, haphazardly falling through tables. We see all sorts of familiar (bloody) faces, Abdullah, Sullivan, Grunge, and R-Truth? Let's see if they do Snuka proud!
1. Rob Eckos vs. C.J. O'Doyle - 3
Eckos at least looks the part, has gear, visits the gym (unlike most of the 3PW staff), even has his own taunt, something akin to a Tim Hardaway crossover. We get a "standoff" not long in and Van Dam and Lynn are rolling over in their non-existent graves. O'Doyle misses a top rope legdrop, bet his tailbone was sore during his shift the next day at Jersey Mike's Subs. Eckos twice utilizes his "Alpine Line", the second time off of the buckles for the victory, a Russian leg sweep/clothesline combination that likely wouldn't hurt your kid brother.
2. Rockin' Rebel vs. Jack Victory - 0
This is everything I fucking loathe about wrestling. Rebel looks like a really bloated Ted DiBiase Jr., with a splash of Thomas Hayden Church (minus any of the acting ability). They do an extended sequence with the referee thoroughly undermining all that came before and after it. Yes, the referee ducked an attempted clothesline only to answer with a double clothesline of his own -- so stupid. Of course, the mutants in attendance popped big like they just saw Hayabusa do a "Firebird Splash" through a flaming table. Then they went right back to "wrestling", and I use the term lightly, wrapping it up with the laziest finish I've seen in all my '10 viewing, a simple punch and cover that I actually had to rewind to make sure I hadn't missed anything. After the match they stomp the shit out of the referee.
3. "Pitbull" Gary Wolfe vs. Damian Adams - 3
Wolfe comes out with a valet named Vixen who's so obviously a transexual its laughable they're trying to pass her off as eye candy. Her Adam's apple (laryngeal prominence) is so big if Adam and Eve would have tried to take a bite out of it they would have choked and died. Adams reminds me of Ahmed Johnson when he first showed up in WWF, full of energy, relentlessly pushing the action forward, not so much by design, neither guy apparently knew any better. Adams works hard, nearly kills himself on a big dive from the top to the floor, but definitely needed seasoning. Wolfe does some particularly nasty power stuff to end it, two deadly powerbombs that saw Damian's head bounce off the mat like a spiked two-square ball, and then a reverse "Death Valley Driver" that looked life-threatening.
4. Jasmin St. Claire vs. George Frankenstein - Bra & Panties Match - 1
I don't expect to see any Jacob "Christmas" Volkmann-level mat work in this one. Jasmin was never an NCAA Division I Wrestling starlet, although I'm sure she'd love the opportunity to blow a bunch of them. Todd Gordon comes out with Talia (Velvet Sky) on a leash and has her bend over for the camera repeatedly flashing her pussy. Jasmin looks like the long lost, sluttiest Kardashian sister. George is former Savage valet/girlfriend Gorgeous George. Unlike the WWE version, here, they start out in their underwear. This quickly turns into Jasmin and George making out in the middle of the ring. Gordon is incredibly creepy, fawning over the girls in his Hawaiian shirt (has anyone ever looked cool in one of these?) and bargain chinos, further turning my stomach when he forces Talia to bend over his lap as the other girls spank her.
5. Low Ki vs. Ruckus vs. Joey Matthews - 4
Two of these guys work for WWE now, and well, the third is still working for peanuts in Philly. Matthews starts by escaping to the floor and leaving Low Ki to get battered in hopes of making it easier for him. They do some mat stuff to start, Ki's transitions are a beauty to behold, but Ruckus' side headlock makes Wilbur Snyder cry. Ki says, "If you're playing a poor man's Wilbur I'll be Mitsu Arakawa and we'll recreate Sept. of '67". After making short work of Ruckus we move into the second portion of the bout. Matthews' heeling stuff feels rudimentary, like a caricature of a wrestler instead of an actual one. Ki plugs his stuff into the formula but the shitty crowd (chanting "boring" inexplicably) doesn't help.
6. Mike Kruel and Monsta Mack vs. Blue Meanie and Roadkill - 2
Mack's rocking a Brody t-shirt and I can dig that. Kruel I recognize immediately from when we used to get OVW locally on syndication. Meanie at this point must have been doing so much cocaine to keep up with then girlfriend Jasmin, he looks like the Clown form of Violator from those crummy Spawn books. It also looks like he stole The Juicer's Zubaz pants. The commentator makes some asinine mention of Roadkill being on par with anyone in history in terms of crowd reaction. If you believe that I've got a Sarah Silverman homemade porno I'll sell you (I'd heard she had a thing for comedians but the scene with the Howdy Doody doll goes too far). Meanie's sternum-first bump into the buckles is about as good as Bret's would be if he'd try it today. Regardless of what it is you're doing to him Meanie sells pretty much everything the same. Roadkill does a Mr. Socko spot and I try to annihilate my VCR/DVD combo with a nearby cat toy.
7. "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka vs. Matt Striker - 1
So, they bring Snuka in, and have him work this metrosexual dork? Striker comes out in a kilt and does a pretty damn good Piper impersonation, especially his voice and mannerisms. Snuka is so flabby, his tits like saggy, brown, wet napkins, having the appearance of one of those nude native women you'd see in a National Geographic while in school and quickly shut the magazine in horror. Well, that lasted all of a couple minutes. Gary Wolfe attacks Snuka post-match planting seeds for a feud that absolutely nobody wanted to see.
8. Sabu vs. Jerry Lynn - 3
I've known people that adore Sabu, and have not one but three friends that are self-proclaimed Lynn marks, but neither guy has particularly ever done much for me, always felt both had some pretty glaring holes in their respective games. Sabu is the only guy capable of doing a tope con hilo to the floor and completely missing his opponent instead landing face-first into the guardrail. Some brawling including a spot into the crowd felt very much like ECW-lite. Not surprisingly neither guy tried to stretch themselves or reinvent in anyway. I liked some of Sabu's sells, I can never tell with him if he's actually hurt and genuinely pissed off/disenfranchised, or is just really good at acing that. I hate the formula that's so reliant upon a gimmick, they bring a crusty table into the ring so the last act is all based upon it and that's so limiting. I wanted them to win me over but Lynn's selling was lazy at best and the adherence to formula killed it.
9. John Zandig and Wifebeater vs. "Commissioner" Raven and Sandman - 3
Team CZW vs. Team ECW should have probably meant more but it didn't. I don't know who looks stupider, Sandman, with a black t-shirt tucked into some faded jeans, or bloated Zandig (looking like a corpse that'd been stuck in the Hudson River a decade). Zandig talks to his opponent while he should be selling punishment, a fatal error even the greenest of rookies usually know to avoid. I dug the old ECW guys tossing Wifebeater off of a balcony through a table, but other than that hellacious bump, this was largely tame brawling and fat, lazy guys getting their jollies off at the expense of duping a crowd of rubes out of their money. Raven did one of the stupidest table spots I've ever seen, placing a table upright in the corner, then acting like he was going to bulldog Zandig into it only to let Zandig go halfway and Zandig just continued running towards it headfirst like a moron.