Saturday, January 20, 2007

No Prom Date #1

Here's a collection of matches, randomly watched by me over the last few months that have no cohesive place together, but still have earned a review.

1 Van Hammer v. Joe Cruz (WCW Saturday Night- 1992)- 2

Whatever incompetent idiot that was running WCW that week LOVED this gimmick and wanted to push him to the moon. Well, it must have gotten to the rocker's head because he bounced this fat jobber all over the ring like a bouncy ball you get from a 25 cents machine. It was a fun squash match to watch though because Hammer had no remorse that the guy wasn't making anywhere near the money Hammer was, that he had an ugly mullet AND an ugly moustache, plus the fact he was pale and fat and probably had no dating prospects. I hope no one reads this and thinks I hate all of those qualities in a person; I don't: Van Hammer does.

2 Edge v. Christian (Steel Cage Match; WWF Rebellion '01)- 4

Ah, the Brothers Prim! I remember their feud being built up to pretty well, even though anyone with an IQ higher than a 4 could see it coming (my apologies, Test; I'm sure you saw it coming, too) This match was from a PPV in England and I don't know if they though the fans had bad eye sight or what, but these guys didn't sell a single move like it hurt them. They started in on their "big" bumps, but never showed any pain on their face; they simply hit the ground hard and stayed there. It was like watching the 2 Crash Test Dummies do spots with each other, of course, there's would probably be a lot sicker. And they both looked like rejects from a Cats audition, with their silly, mangy blonde hair.

3 Scotty 2 Hotty v. The Hurricane (WWF Rebellion '01)- 5

I was pleased with this match. It got some decent time and they both seemed willing to do something with it other than flinging boogers back stage at the agent's kids. Hurricane wasn't really trying too hard at the time, I recall, but put effort into a throwaway that probably no one would ever see. I like that.

4 Paul Orndorff v. Ron Garvin (Piledriver Match; SMW Fire on the Mountain '92)- 6

Kudos to you, old veterans. You're very smart; you realized you could go to Smoky Mountain and wrestle, and use your mastery at wrestling psychology to get you through a match rather than bumping your ass off for it; and I have no problem with it. You take a match like this, where all you have to do is hit a move on someone; it's every gimmick match you've ever seen stripped down to it's utmost core, it's most vulnerable, it's most naked. Then, you tease it; you tease that piledriver, you taunt it, you fake it, and then you hit it! You hit it! You finally put that guy's face between your legs, then lift him up, ass in the air, so close you can smell what he Shatner'ed out last night after supper, and you thrust him downwards into the mat. It's a brilliant concept and it's exhilirating. It's the best I've ever had. I mean, seen.

5 Sting v. Meng (WCW Bash at the Beach '95)- 5

This show was held out on a beach somewhere in Florida, where the fans could flock around the ring, with suntan lotion in hand. The ring looked really small when these two got in it and they didn't waste any motion. It was all heavy hands and power moves from then on out. Sting won in a decent lengthed match that didn't lose my attention or enthrall me with amazing athletic skill. Sting did take a hell of a kick from the savage Meng, though. His video package before the match was pretty damn scary too.

6 Austin Aries v. Samoa Joe (ROH Escape from New York '05)- 6

These two had a tremendous run with the ROH World Title over 2005 and they didn't stop there. They went Pure. Oh yeah, that awesome belt that took wrestling by storm. It never added anything different to a match, just hindered it, in my eyes. But, you wouldn't have known it to see this match. They barely had to acknowledge the Pure rules during it. Both guys may be at the top of their game against each other because their moves were crisp, their sequences were exciting and they both seem to get off on clean finishes. That really works for me because I get off on them, too, in ways I'm not going to go into here. It's not the appropriate place. Meet me at Pearl's Diner, in Hamilton, Oh. There. That's an appropriate place.

7 Nigel McGuinness v. Colt Cabana (European Rules)- 4

This match is a novelty. It should only be dusted off occassionally, yet every time I turn around and watch a ROH tape, these two are pulling this old trick. Make no mistake about it; they are both very good at this match, but I really would like something more. If I felt like it all wasn't so rehearsed, maybe I would care more.

8 Chris Carnage v. Cody Hawk (HWA Road to Destiny Online PPV)- 3

Carnage (who has the stereotypical lame indy name) came to the ring with Cricket, a midget dressed like a pimp. I guess instead of a slap, you get a shin kick. Anyways, he faced Cody Hawk, the "HWA icon." Yeah, I'm sure a lot of local indy guys were just searching for some old shit kicker wrestler who became a icon only because he couldn't get out of the territory he was stuck in. Ask Cody Hawk if he'd rather be an HWA icon, or a WWE jobber; if he says he turn down the money, he's a liar and a natural for the wrestling business. The match itself was pretty sloppy, especially the finishing Musclebusters that were so horrendously attempted.

9 D-X/ Ric Flair v. Spirit Squad (WWE Raw- Nov. 27, 2006)- 3

This was another ego trip for D-X, masqueraded as a tribute to Flair, but also a proverbial bullet to the heads of the Spirit Squad, who apparently were shipped to OVW on 3 week delivery. Even the toilet paper and Danny Davis' Depends come quicker than that.

10 Samoa Joe v. Kurt Angle (TNA Genesis)- 6

All you marks out there that couldn't wait to see this match actually believe it is the greatest match of all time, or at least certainly match of the year. I disagree vehemently. This was a good match with elements of a great match squeezed into it. It started off with a brawl, then sick spots outside, then Angle bleeding, then Joe punishing him, then finishers, then near falls, then the predictable ending with Angle tapping out Joe. Now, there's a rematch: I wonder who is going to win? These two men are wrestlers, no matter how Vince Russo will portray them on TV, so they should get to wrestle, with no restrictions or time constraints, or storylines. I ordered that PPV on the basis of a "dream match" because there aren't that many left in the Sports entertainment world, yet I was left with blue balls for a quick squirt of a wonderful, wait a minute, what am I talking about? We were left with a rushed version of the match we all wanted to see. Thanks, TNA and Thanks, Vince Russo, you ignorant horses' ass.

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