Saturday, June 24, 2006

WWF Armageddon '99

1. Hardyz vs. Edge and Christian vs. Dudleys vs. Acolytes vs. Too Cool vs. Mean Street Posse vs. Headbangers vs. Mark Henry and The Godfather - 16-Man Tag Team Battle Royal - 4
2. Kurt Angle vs. Steve Blackman - 2
3. Miss Kitty vs. Ivory vs. Jacqueline vs. B.B. - Four Corners Evening Gown Match - 0
4. Hardcore and Crash Holly vs. Viscera and Rikishi Phatu - Super Heavyweight Match - 3
5. D 'Lo Brown vs. British Bulldog vs. Val Venis - 3
6. X-Pac vs. Kane - Cage Match - 3
7. Chyna vs. Chris Jericho - 2
8. New Age Outlaws vs. Rock 'N Sock Connection - 5
9. Big Bossman vs. Big Show - 1
10. Vince McMahon vs. Triple H - No Holds Barred Match - 3

There wasn't much that worked in the opening battle royal. It helped dawn on me, though, that today's WWE is desperately lacking in tag teams -- which obviously wasn't an issue in '99. "Mean Street Posse weren't Valedictorians at Battle Royal School,” quips Ross. Where the hell is that campus? I'd like to pull a "Columbine" there. Bubba hit a wicked fisherman buster on Jeff Hardy. There were some ridiculously weak strikes, mostly punches, thrown by a handful of the guys in this. The saving grace of this bout was the Acolytes and Hardyz doing some believable teasing of eliminating each other near the end.

Angle and Blackman both looked incredibly green. Loud "boring" chants throughout this one. This went a little longer than I expected, with the only minor highlight being a decent missile dropkick by Blackman. Angle has come such a long, long way.

The women's match takes place in a pool -- but they're wearing evening gowns? Fuck Vince Russo. B.B. looks ridiculous, like she was something created in Jim Henson's creature shop. "Greco Roman zipperlock" says one of the overpaid announcers, further making a mockery of our beloved business. Kitty gets her small tits out afterwards. I recommend that you fast-forward through all of this.

I don't have much to say about the next match. Ross states "No one does pay-per-view like the WWF!" and I'm thinking thank God for that! Only highlights were Rikishi tossing one of the Holly's in the air and catching them in a Diamond Cutter, and later hitting his signature Rikishi Driver that always looks pleasantly nasty.

The three-way was an absolute mess. These guys had no chemistry together, kind of like Bulldog and the hooker who gave him a blowjob while he was enjoying cocaine later that night. Why in the hell was Bulldog wrestling in tight jeans anyway? D 'Lo hits a tasty dive to the floor, but later on botches a springboard so badly in a spot that left fans worldwide scratching their heads in bewilderment. "Val used to wet the bed from the hallway,” says Lawler, the pervert who later that night ate green olives off of Miss Kitty's butthole. In the nastiest botch of the night, Val and D 'Lo almost kill Bulldog when they attempted to do a double hiptoss and Bulldog lands directly on the top of his skull instead of his back. Near the end, Val and D 'Lo consecutively hit their trademark top rope moves the Money Shot and Lo Down in one of the only memorable spots in this stinker.

X-Pac looks like a complete idiot in a bucket hat. X-Pac doesn't sell his head being slammed into the ringsteps whatsoever. This match was so unbearable I blocked most of it from my memory – there was a pretty swank clothesline from the top of the cage.

Chyna and Jericho was an awful business-exposing match that did little in neither progressing the art form nor entertaining fans. The only highlight was Jericho giving Chyna a tasty front-layout suplex on a table.

Ross calls the Outlaws the "best tag team ever" which is boldface lie. Foley is a mess, but does a nice piledriver on Road Dogg -- later Gunn gives Foley a decent piledriver, too. Rock couldn't clothesline Gunn over the top rope. Al Snow runs out and gives Foley head -- which he would do again later in a Marriott. Foley backbody dropped Gunn then stumbled backwards over him, looking like the buffoon he so totally is. This was the best match of the card, even if it contained a wretched finish.

Bossman and Show is easily one of the worst World title programs in wrestling history. Albert comes out and takes a tame table bump. They felt it was necessary to put that in for a four-minute match, so you can see they didn't have any confidence in this. “Boring" chants are heard again. One chokeslam later, and this dud is over.

McMahon starts off the match by throwing powder that totally misses Hunter's face but he sells it regardless. Vince's swiping right hands are atrocious. There's a low blow -- that's not the first time Vince's hand and Hunter's dick have met. Next up, an uninspired crowd brawl sequence. It was fantastic to see someone drill Hunter in the head with a 64-ounce Big Gulp soda. Foley wheels out some garbage -- thanks slob. Hunter ran a shopping cart into a prone McMahon's face in a spot that looked painful. Too many tame weapon shots to count. They brawl back to the military set-up near the end of the aisle way then do nothing there. This is frustratingly plodding. McMahon puts a garbage can on Hunter's head then throws one of those weird swiping right hands, hurting himself upon impact worse than his opponent. He goes to hit Hunter with a pipe, as Hunter tries to punch him at the same time, leading to him falling face first on top of Vince. This is so bad it's almost comedic. Back to the military set -- Hunter swings a machine gun into Vince's forehead. Hunter takes off, leading to Vince stumbling around a parking lot forever, until Hunter tries to hit him with a car. A fan tries to commit homicide by chucking an un-opened 20-ounce bottle from a bridge as if they were Nolan Ryan; coming about an inch away from drilling the referee in the face. They brawl on a limo. Back in the arena, they brawl on a tower that's about 20-feet from the ground -- of course, McMahon bumps off of it, which would kill an ordinary man, but he somehow is walking only minutes later. You have to see this match, though, and then try to figure out whom in the world thought this was an acceptable main event.

1 comment:

Jessie said...

man, there are too many one liners in this to count. what a tasty review! i actually feel bad that you had to sit through this show.