Friday, June 9, 2006

Great American Bash 2004

A storied event with great tradition, the GAB was along with Starrcade, the flagship for WCW and even the NWA who began the event in 1985. Since the WWE had purchased WCW, the Bash lay dormant. But, as a grand phoniex rising from the ashes, The Bash spread it's wings and bestowed wrestling magic on us once again. Could the WWE relive some of those classic Bash moments and after watching this you'll ask, would they even try?

1 Jamie Knoble v. Spike Dudley( Heat Match) (4)- a hotly contested match with near falls and crowd involvement. A good indicator on how the show would go.

2 John Cena v. Booker T v. RVD v. Rene Dupree( 4)- Elimination match, okay this is different. Well, Booker is just watching from the floor with no emotion on his face. Maybe he accidentally sharted. Dupree is running the ring with short forearm lunges at Cena and RVD's face. RVD hit two frog splashes and then gets rolled up, but his shoulder wasn't even down. okay. Cena hits a sloppy, sloppy joe of an FU(I'm sorry, why did I tarnish the food or Adam Sandler's brilliant song with that kind of a description; let me try something else) Cena hits a Hot Lesbian Action of an FU(okay, that's better.) and pins Dupree. Later, Booker got beat after a going through the motions finishing sequence.

3 Charlie Haas v. Luther Reigns(2)- This was basically a squash for Reigns, a sure sign that Hass was moving up the rankings. Both men would be fired in a mere few months anyways.

4 Chavo Guerrero v. Rey Mysterio (6)- Assuredly, the best match of the night. Both men worked innovative spots, and some cool technical. It had depth too; maybe almost twenty minutes.

5 Kenzo Suzuki v. Billy Gunn (2)- Ooh, wow, that one hurt. I love a slow, plodding, action-less match just as much as the next person that doesn't exsist, but why be that slow and plodding and action-less?

6 Sable v. Torrie (0)- not a match, not a good idea, I'd rather they stay in the hot tubs.

7 Mordecai v. Bob Holly (2)- What was Mordecai supposed to be? Did anyone really know? Well, I know my answer isn't a good wrestler. These two bumbled around, falling into each other, and what have you for no apparent reason. The only lime light was Holly visibly getting angry and getting ruthless with that rookie ass.

8 Eddie Guerrero v. JBL(Bullrope Match) (5)- first the positive: JBL took a great chairshot and bled well. Eddie sold good for JBL. They tried to do a cool table spot. They played the gimmick of hitting the buckles well. Now, the negative: THE MATCH DIDN'T WORK. The rope was in their way the whole match. The lights signifying who had touched what buckle worked sporadically. And the rules didn't make sense. It seemed to me that through the whole match, only one guy can touch buckles at a time, but JBL hit every one Eddie did until the end when he got knocked into it. OH, yeah, and the screw job finish.

9 Undertaker v. Dudley Boyz(Crypt match) (1)- Bubba bumped hard. That's why a 1. You might ask: where did the other 9 points go, Mr. Reviewer? Well, Paul Heyman lost 3 for being bald, boring, and talking during the action. Taker lost 2 for not selling and not bumping. The Dudleys lost 3 for talking and not even wrestling. okay, 3 + 2 + 3= 8. There's still 1 point missing. That's for making this the main event at a show that used to have prestige and value. Thanks for flushing that down the toilet; I only wish you had room for Vince McMahon's ego. But that's too busy making out with every Diva ever hired. I wish phoniex's could catch on fire and burn to the ground.

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