Tuesday, June 28, 2011

ECW Anarchy in Atlanta co-review

Adam: Being the big ECW fan that I am, I’ve never heard of this show. Upon doing some research though, it appears that this was a TV taping. I'm guessing the title of the show was just a way to entice people into thinking this DVD was some extraordinary event but in reality they were purchasing a fancam.

Brian: I was almost as shocked to find this DVD in my closet as I was when Penny had sex with Rajesh Koothrappali on the season finale of The Big Bang Theory. I'm far less enthusiastic about ECW as Adam and have soured on them over the last decade but what the hell?

Show intro

Adam: We start off with two local radio DJs in the ring, one of them cutting a heel promo on Bill Alfonso and the other one just standing there. Fonzie comes out, gets double-teamed, and a limping Sabu makes the save and puts one of them through a table. A pretty much nothing segment.

Brian: Thanks to Adam's reporting I promptly fast-forward all of the verbal diarrhea. The DJ with the $7 Circle K shades had decent stomps. In a half-minute Sabu legitimately fucked them both up including possibly breaking one of the guys' nose. It's not a big loss as he had a face for radio to begin with if you catch my drift.

1) Danny Doring & Roadkill vs C.W. Anderson & Bill Wiles vs Nova & Kid Kash – Three Way Elimination Match – A: 3 B: 1

A: Spot-fest early on with big dives from Nova and Kid Kash. I used to think that Doring was a good wrestler but after seeing his singles bout, I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s quite awful. Wiles screws up a spot where he was supposed to catch Kash coming off the top buckle but accidentally drops him on his shoulder. Don’t think there was a single tag the whole match, just people running in and out as they please. Wasn’t long either, probably about six minutes and not an ounce of story.

B: This is how we're starting things off? Wiles looks like a real-life Muckman. This literally takes seconds to get convoluted as everyone starts hitting shitty offense on each other. Wiles did noticeably blow the catch off a Kash crossbody. The finish stunk too as Roadkill used a simple splash on Nova after Nova had just hit a move on someone else. This was like three or four things thrown in a blender too many when all you needed was some banana, blueberries, and a little yogurt and milk.

2) Jerry Lynn vs Little Guido – A: 5 B: 2

A: Right off the bat, the racous fans start chanting “where my piz-za” at Guido. Very fast-paced bout with minimal selling by either party. I liked seeing Guido get vocal with the fans. Lynn was pretty expressionless when he was taking offense. Big Sal had an interference spot which Lynn had the bump of the match for. Didn’t like the fin with Lynn coming back, not selling anything, and hitting the cradle piledriver out of the blue. These two match up well together and I’m feeling generous so I’ll bump this up a point.

B: Sal's interference seemed unnecessary -- but then again, so did Jerry's fifth death metal mix-tape he made for the drive down to Georgia. There's not a lot to cull from this match, I appreciated the exchange of leg holds at the start, as Guido was always underrated on the mat, but the meat of this one must be black bean substitute as there's nothing here to sink your teeth in. I concur about this being a promising pairing on paper but what we got was the window display and not the genuine article.

3) Super Crazy vs Super Calo – A: 4 B: 5

A: Little bit more structure with this than the previous two bouts. They actually took some time to breathe in between moves. Calo hit a nice swanton to the floor early on. Crazy’s dive to the crowd was, well, um … pretty crazy. Noticed Calo just getting up off the match and going right on to the next move at certain points. Crazy did his usual moveset here culminating with a nice sit-down powerbomb and him hitting the moonsault trifecta for the first time in recorded history.

B: I think Adam's looking at things too mechanically here. The way Calo transitioned into spots was no different than Crazy and is par for the course when dealing with lucha leanings. Look deeper and there's more under the surface, this had a nice rhythm and warmth to it, unlike I imagine most of this show will. It did feel too quick, not in terms of the fast-paced action, but instead that they were only slotted a short amount of time so had to really keep pushing things forward. The big dives were cool, especially Calo's flip from inside the ring onto the ground, and the finish was clean and popped the crowd so not a lot to find fault with here.

4) Spike Dudley vs Uganda – A: 0 B: 0

A: Uganda is a blatant Kamala rip-off, right down to the painted moon and stars on his flabby belly. Holy shit that was fast!! A kick to the nutsack and one acid drop later it’s over. Referee counted really damn fast and got destroyed by Uganda afterwards.

B: For once I agree with Adam! Seriously, I've got no problem with a relatively quick Spike fluke win, like say, after surviving 3-4 min. of a barrage, but this went 20 sec. and that's just way too short to be significant. Uganda was fat and could fly (post-match top rope splash on ref was damn fine) so this just seemed like a colossal waste of his talent (and girth).

5) Tom Marquez vs Ikuto Hidaka – A: 1 B: 2

A: Some decent action early on but the crowd is really restless. Marquez’s hairline is receding so fast it looks like instead of a forehead, he has a fivehead. Raven interrupts the proceedings and destroys both men much to the crowd’s delight. Raise your hand if you saw that coming.

B: Hidaka looks so young here! Ikuto's cartwheel handspring roundhouse kick was tasty. Marquez looks weirder than I remembered. He looks like some sort of mannequin movie prop they'd find with water damage in someone's shed on Hollywood Treasure. Raven interference was a downer but man, oh man, Hidaka's sell of a DDT was the best morsel of selling on the show. He ate it face-first than sort of flopped up with a vacant stare.

6) Steve Corino interview- Dusty Rhodes come to the ring (ECW debut)

A: Fun little segment with Styles and Gertner doing their intro to ECW on TNN and Corino getting heat on Dusty. Eventually, Dusty killed both Corino and his sidekick Jack Victory with bionic elbows.

B: I've always found Corino overrated on the microphone and don't feel I need to sit through another Styles/Gertner dialogue in this lifetime so I fast-forward through this. The most unfathomable thing about my buddy Adam's ECW fascination is his favorite period (the TNN era) is largely considered by pundits the company's weakest output. Rhodes' flannel has probably seen the inside of more women's' rooms than all of the fans in the crowd have combined. Victory was better at stooging for Rhodes' stuff taking huge silly bumps off of elbows.

7) ECW World Title: Mike Awesome vs 2 Cold Scorpio – A: 4 B: 5

A: Scorpio is ageless in my book. His stuff now looks every bit as good as it did 10-15 years ago. Here though, even though he looked good, I thought Awesome was just sort of going through the motions. I liked the big bump to the outside Scorp took. Crowd brawl fizzled out pretty fast. Scorp’s superkicks were on the button and he bounced around pretty well for Awesome’s power moves. Best part was the wild top-rope Awesome bomb through a table to finish.

B: Too Cold comes out looking like a background character from Demolition Man with shades, dreadlocks, and some sort of studded leather top that you'd only find in post-apocalyptic fiction. World title match is the post-intermission warm-up bout? Two guys that owe Japan for much of their success, both were misused by Vince, biggest difference is Scorpio's getting high in Germany nowadays and Awesome killed himself. Too Cold did some flying out onto the entrance ramp. Mike's leaping clothesline over the guardrail into the crowd on Scorpio got a big reaction. Awesome carries himself less like a world champ and more like an arthritic tollbooth operator. If they could have tamed Too Cold and kept him happy he'd have been a way better candidate as their top dog. Scorpio does a neat bump for a shitty Awesome German suplex making it look much cooler as a result. I really dug the spot where Awesome was going to powerbomb Scorpio's girlfriend through a table but 2 Cold did a flying crossbody off the top to reverse the momentum and save her -- quite inventive. I'm sure post-show he nursed her back to health with his daunting dong (according to Foley's first book) leaving her a dazzled ingenue. The match-ending superbomb off the top through a table had outrageous height on it and looked brutal.

8) ECW TV Title: Rob Van Dam vs Tracy Smothers – A: 6 B: 5

A: Loved the old-school heel tactics from Smothers and Rich. Fuck, Smothers took two straight hard shots right to the skull from RVD that knocks him completely loopy. He reciepts this later on by cracking RVD with a really hard one. Wish the guy filming this would focus on the match and not on Bill Alfonso. Smothers can bump around and sell like no other. Kind of clunky in the beginning but once they felt each other out, it became a pretty good little match. Afterwards, we get a post-match brawl with RVD and Sabu where Sabu spends five minutes trying to break a very uncooperative table.

B: On paper these two fit together about as well as Sarah Palin and intelligence, which is to say, not at all. As long as Smothers eats a few errant kicks to the face I'll be satisfied. I've often found RVD intolerable as nobody has gotten more mileage off the same half-dozen moves than him but Adam adores the guy so I'll refrain from handing over to preconceived notions. Give me Smothers versus Bradshaw from WWF Superstars '96 any day of the week. Tommy Rich seconded Tracy and was a lot of fun including (attempting) being a base for RVD's dive to the floor which Rich got none of yet still blew backward like a tumbleweed across the desert. Smothers sold the Rolling Thunder like he was a young child having night terrors trashing under the covers. They could have shaved a few min. off of this and I wouldn't have minded especially given Smothers wasn't a real viable threat. Still, I give it to Tracy, he singlehandedly raised the score for me with his willingness to eat all of Van Dam's offense, sticking his neck out to get his head taken off with kicks and eating a particularly gnarly chairshot to the skull (which RVD later got a receipt for). Found it funny Sabu had a tougher match with the that table than anyone's had with an opponent all night. He was fighting that thing with the same veracity RVD had when trying to find a hiding place for all their weed after they got pulled over together right after his WWE title win -- that reign was literally up in smoke.

9) Justin Credible vs Sandman – A: 2 B: 1

A: Whenever I’ve seen these two work together, it’s usually been littered with weapons and shitty brawling and this was no exception. Sandman looks completely shitfaced with a very far away look in his eyes. What the fuck? Random interference for no reason from Rhino. This wasn’t much to watch unless you want to watch these two stumble through a terrible match. Afterwards, some extra-curricular activity with Lance Storm, Rhino, and Tommy Dreamer, a squabble between Dawn Marie and Francine, and drunken girls in the crowd taking their tops off.

B: This was as offensive to me as walking past vomit on the sidewalk from a guy who'd ate diarrhea. Never understood why, under jean shorts, Credible would wrestle in his mom's stockings she wore in her high school productions of Cats? I bet she made for a dismal Jennyanydots. Lot of people in the message board scene tried to convince me of Sandman's greatness but I'm not buying. Guy's loathsome. The only thing I buy him beating is his wife. A lot of interference which I generally despise but it brought about the end sooner so I can't complain. Knowing that Adam set through all the Joel Gertner and Joey Styles banter but most likely fast-forwarded past the drunk chicks' bare tits endlessly amuses me. This was as soulless as an Owl City album.

10) Axl Rotten, Balls Mahoney, & New Jack vs Baldies (Tony Devito, Angel, & P.N. News) – A: 3 B: 1

A: This was your normal weapons fest involving New Jack. Very disturbing sight with Axl shoving the blade of a circular saw into Devito’s chrome dome. Angel got nailed with a vaccuum cleaner. I hear it sucks just like he does. So many random weapons in the ring. These guys are gassed by the second repition of New Jack’s ring music. I was really digging the selling from Angel and Devito. Big suplex from News that sent Balls into a pile of barbed wire. Finish was, yep, you guessed it … New Jack diving off a balcony through a table onto one of the hapless Baldies. A complete mess
this was.

B: Angel's anything but. Baldies were taking forks to the head like Francine was taking cocks to her face. News surprisingly bleeds real plasma and not pure mayonnaise. I saw something near the dumpster at Sonic Drive-In that resembled Mahoney. This is probably a lot like hell is: blood, people being bludgeoned, and shitty Ice Cube songs playing non-stop. Did the Baldies ever win any matches in ECW? I bet while waiting for New Jack to jump off of a balcony onto you you're thinking: "Damn, did I remember to erase my Internet history before I left the house?" I can't believe ECW actually had their own video game. What a depressing Christmas present. "Honey, look what Santa brought you! ECW Anarchy Rulz for the Dreamcast!" "It's pronounced 'Rules'. Fuck you mom."


Jessie said...

haha, that Penny....she just loves sex....surprised RVD-Smothers got that good marks....loved the Mahoney comment near the end too

Jessie said...

jokes on us....they really didn't have sex!....finally peeped this...i would have fallen somewhere in the middle of your scores of Lynn-Guido....mechancially was well worked but souless....had fun with Calo -Crazy and Awesome-Scorpio (that finish was damn stiff)...I liked Smother sketch comedy and the real care of this bout,, i'd go 5 on that one.....last 2 bouts where the dregs