No Prom Date #7

~ collection of matches that have no cohesiveness whatsoever

1) Stan Hansen v. Johnny Rivera (All Star Wrestling 02/18/76)- 2

Where the flip is Borger, Texas? Hansen has to be like the pancake eating king there or something; his midsection looks doughy like a breadbowl and his hair is bleach blonde, he looks like a fat Bret Michaels. Rivera had a kick ass match with Tats back in '79 at the Garden and I was wanting to see more of his work, but unfortunately he's just working for the weekend because Hansen sloppily beats him in under 2 minutes here. Disappointing.

2) Briscoe Brothers v. Davey Richards/ KENTA (ROH Time to Man Up 08/-4/06)- 7

MAN UP! KENTA certainly does; he brings all the stiff prickish behavior from Japan and unleashes it in full effect on the Briscoes. Richards seems to be in the match longer than anyone and is constantly taking up ring time when all I keep wanting is to see the man in brown and gold beat some faces. But, Richards does a nice job as his second in command, also trying to get stiff but more or less being the beating dummy of the Briscoes. They don't bust out all of their crazy double team moves (for once) here but enough to get a taste. They also get stiff with KENTA & Richards so they don't look like complete bitches, while at the same time avoiding some of KENTA'S kicks giving them back a small bitch status. My favorite two KENTA spots in this were 1) his breaking a sunset flip attempt with an Andre openhanded slap, and 2) His springboard over the rope, then kicks the guy square in the noggin like he's kicking dirt on an umpire. This was long, but not overtly long and both teams had great chemistry. Damn, i enjoyed that one.

3) Black Blood v. Big Josh (Lumber jack Match, Great American Bash 1991)- 4

After watching a whole Black Blood comp(how depressed is the guy that put that together; he probably has a character modeled after him on his World of Warcraft campaign), this dude was pretty stiff. He and Josh rough it up in this one which doesn't go to long and isn't what you'd exactly call a catch's catch-can wrestling fest. On the outside, tons of surly bruisers await both guys to pounce away on. When the LJ's finally skirmish (and they always do) I couldn't wait for it to happen again; you had Bobby Eaton, Dicky Murdoch, JYD, and ton of other tough bastards and they were wailing the piss out of each other. Black Blood hit a folding German suplex on Josh near the end who didn't look pleased. I also found it funny that aging Rock n' Roller Ricky Morton wanted to protect strange ax murderer Black Blood from people attacking him.

4) Legends Battle Royal featuring Baron Von Sicculcia, Thunderbolt Patterson, Pedro Morales, Al Costello, Gene Kiniski, Gino Brito, Bobo Brazil, Dominic DeNucci, The Crusher, Nick Bockwinkel, Pat O'Connor, Ray Stevens, Rene Goulet, Cheif Jay Strongbow, Lou Thez, Killer Kowalski, & Arnold Skaaland- 4

Wow, never knew this happened. Halfway through, i did notice the old WWF blue turnbuckle pads so I guess this was a house show exclusive sometime in the 80's. I'd had never seen so many liver spots and pasty flesh on display at one time in one place. Bockwinkel was the only one in decent shape here. Only Lou Thez would work a headlock in the middle of a battle royal. There were some interesting spots like O'Connor doing the wheelbarrow walk along the top rope until the guy let him go. Then, you had disgruntled legends trying to pull people from the ring to the outside. They worked it at a good pace and some crafty eliminations took place. Thez and O'Connor were the last two and it was obliquely bizarre to see two old grandparents chain wrestling, but the thing was, they still knew their stuff. They were both pulling off reversals to the other's hold and it was a lot of fun. Thez wins and almost flips himself over the top rope which surely would have been funny until we realized he was dead.

5) Jean Paul Levesque v. Ricky Steamboat (WCW Saturday Night, Sep '94)- 4

This was an average match for the Dragon, but he utilized a time tested formula. The first few mintues are just the feeling out process where he can show off his deep armdrags. Trips was fairly green here but knew enough to keep up with Steamboat, or at least let the veteran lead him by the hand. He didn't offer any unique offense, mostly just punches and a good back elbow that Steamboat sold well. Then, when it looks like Dragon is about to clinch it, he posts himself and plays up his hurt shoulder, really well. The whole agonizing shoulder selling works and Steamboat leaves his arm at his side like he lost all feeling in it. He finishes with a cross body somewhere around 10 minutes I would say.

6) Kurt Angle v. Lance Storm (Smackdown!, Aug '01)- 3
WARNING! The following review is taken from actual dialogue from the performers through hidden microphones underneath the ring during this match.

DING-DING!
Storm: "Did you have to do all of that twirling stuff for so long? You know this is only 5 + intros; now, we only have 2 1/2 minutes to wrestle. head down, boot, duck, and clothesline."
Angle: "What are you talking about? I always do that. The people love it."
Storm: "By the way, has anyone told you how strange you look with hair? Especially the Beaver haircut."
Angle: "Reverse, rollup, god damn it ref! get in position here!"
Storm: "okay, grab my head with your legs and i'll spring out of it.....no, don't go for the anklelock yet!"
Angle: "yeah, but the crowd pops for it."
Storm: "They won't if you keep doing it every chance you get!"
Angle: "Leap, down, hip toss, 3 then out of the ring, BAM! BAM! BAM! ....good and now, oh, fuck did you have to punch me in the eye?! Go down"
Storm: "Here, just hold the headlock.... sorry bro, you leaned into it. You know my punches come from way back and swoop in."
Angle: "Yeah, who punches like that anyways? Oh, cheese and crackers, i'm bleeding. Okay, i'm going for the ankelock!"
Storm: "No, not yet. I'm going to get up, reverse this into a DDT, then go out for the chair!" Angle: "Oh, god, you suck at swinging chairs!"
Storm: "Just move out of the way, okay? Trust me, i worked in ECW, I know how to do a chair spot. Whatever you do, don't try and put me in the anklelock afterwards, okay?"
Angle: "Damn, there went my spot!"
Storm: "Okay, we're about done here- the crowd is loving it. After I get out of the Angle Slam, i'm coming back with a superkick, so protect yourself okay?"
Angle: "Okay, i got it, oh shit! Right in the mouth, okay i'm going out! THUD! I'm going to need a lot of painkillers to make this headache go away."
Storm: "Couple table slams then back in for finish, okay?"
Angle: "You kicked me! You kicked me right in the mouth!"
Storm: "Yeah, guess so, now get your head right and throw me back in!"
Angle: "okay, there you are, duck now, put your head down and oh yeah, Angle Slam! THUMP! Okay, now do that twirling thing the people love and.......ANKLELOCK!"
DING-DING!
Storm: "Nice working with you, Kurt."
Angle: "Thanks, canuck. You're alright. Sorry to have surpassed you after only 3 years in the game....what are you going on, 10, 11?:
Storm: "hope you break your neck again, rookie...."