Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Grand Masters of Wrestling – Vol. 2

1. Nikolai Volkoff vs. Classy Freddie Blassie – Musical Intermission – 0

This is listed as if it’s a match, or competition of some sort, but the two “vocal performances” have nothing to do with the either. First, Volkoff does about twenty seconds of a Russian song in the ring. Then, we cut to Blassie, wearing an old Monday Night Raw t-shirt and sequined jacket. This show is taking place inside a school gymnasium, and the guy they’ve got playing guitar for Blassie looks like the school’s dorky, sensitive Art teacher, sporting some brown corduroy and a pubic hair beard. They’ve fucking passed out leaflets with the lyrics to “Pencil Neck Geek” to the crowd members. The song goes on way too long, with Freddie’s delivery embarrassing at best, I actually began feeling quite sorry for the old bigot. At the end, Blassie pulls the guitarist out of his chair, and the awkward guy falls face-first into Blassie’s old, bony knee. Afterward, they present Freddie with some type of lifetime achievement award that was clearly purchased the day of the show at the local trophy and sporting goods store.

2. Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Nikolai Volkoff – 3

Or, “Nikaloi” as the DVD menu states. Bigelow looks in good shape here, real light on his feet, and seems to be having fun performing. Volkoff sells a headbutt by falling out of the ring gingerly and holding his leg? That’s fucking stupid. Later, back out on the floor, both guys can’t be bothered by the ref while brawling and push him around leading to a double disqualification. A shit match, but at least Bam Bam showed up.

3. Iron Sheik vs. Mighty Maccabee - 0

Maccabee looks like the Blue Blazer but with a giant Jewish star on the front of his singlet. I guess he’s a local guy, but a classically trained fencer, not a wrestler, and boy does it ever show. A lot of bullshit stalling to start. Their “brawl” outside the ring was timid; in the same auditorium bullies have gotten stiffer during gym class. “Iron” Mike Sharpe is at ringside and gets involved a lot for Sheik, not sure why he’d need any help though. Maccabee mounts Shiek in the corner to deliver the old school set of 10 punches, but his are downright pussy, as he rains down some of the weakest shots ever, all aimed suspiciously at Sheik’s shoulder instead of his exposed head. God, this is so awful, fuck! Wait a minute, why is Maccabee lasting longer in the camel clutch than either Backlund or Hogan? Lame. Sharpe interferes, breaking up a headlock with a chairshot and getting Shiek disqualified, leading Maccabee to rally for 5 more minutes from Shiek. Maccabee says he’ll unmask if he gets it, but under his dumb blue mask is a stupider white one. The match resumes and Maccabee sells a clothesline like Daniel Stern slipping on marbles in Home Alone. Maccabee uses a fencing helmet to bludgeon Shiek, mercifully ending this wretched pile of rotting rubbish.

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