Tuesday, December 19, 2006

WCW Starrcade ‘90

1. Tom Zenk vs. Bobby Eaton – 3
2. Team South Africa (Col. Deklerk and Sgt. Krueger) vs. Team USA (The Steiners) – 1
3. Team Britain (Norman Smiley and Chris Adams) vs. Team Mexico (Mysteric and Konnan) – 2
4. Team New Zealand (Jacko Victory and Rip Morgan) vs. Team Japan (Masa Saito and Great Muta) – 3
5. Team Canada (Bull Johnson and Troy Montour) vs. Team USSR (Victor Zangiev and Salmon Hasimkov) – 1
6. Michael Wallstreet vs. Terry Taylor – 4
7. Big Cat and Motor City Madman vs. Skyscrapers – 1
8. Tommy Rich and Ricky Morton vs. Fabulous Freebirds – 3
9. Team Mexico vs. Team USA – 2
10. Team USSR vs. Team Japan – 2
11. Lex Luger vs. Stan Hansen – Texas Lariat Match – 4
12. Doom vs. Arn Anderson and Barry Windham – Street Fight – 6
13. Team USA vs. Team Japan – 5
14. Black Scorpion vs. Sting – Steel Cage Match – 3

Starrcade entered into the 90’s with a huge show, filled to the brim with matches galore, including an international tag team tournament filled with racial stereotypes aplenty. The show started with Zenk and Eaton, and while it was fast-paced, they blatantly blew a handful of spots. Still, that being said, it wasn’t a bad opener. Then, we get right into our highly touted tournament. Team South Africa made absolute fools of themselves. The Steiners didn’t sell a damn thing for them – period. I laughed until I cried when one of the South Africans somersaulted over the top rope onto Steiner, who just sort of let the guy bounce off of him and go crashing to the floor upside down. Team Britain and Team Mexico had all the potential to be really good, but what we actually got was pretty unimpressive. Memorable moments included Mysteric taking a nasty bump to the floor, accidentally landing awkwardly on the nearby ring steps, and the Britain boys blundering through a double-team maneuver leaving Adams to fumble face-first into Norman’s crotch.

Team New Zealand featured two out-of-shape drunkards who were totally outclassed and outworked by the magnificent Team Japan. Muta’s kicks were crisp, and Saito is always a joy to watch operate. Team USSR were two hairy amateur types, and Team Canada (not to be confused with the horrible TNA incarnation) featured two stereotypes, including a “Indian chief” who looked like he should be standing in-front of a cigar store somewhere near a deciduous forest. Their match ended so abruptly that everyone seemed confused, including the ref, who was probably to preoccupied overanalyzing the new rash that was forming on his genitals.

Wallstreet and Taylor kept it simple, but solid, in a basic match void of much charisma or story. I think there was an angle being played out, involving the York Foundation, which would have been a totally useless stable save for Alexandra York’s epic tits and totally righteous laptop. The date rapists known as the Skyscrapers destroyed Big Cat (real creative name) and Motor City Madman (who looked like perennial ECW loser 911). Morton’s usual partner was injured, so he got Tommy Rich to fill-in, and they waged war against the Fabulous Freebirds who were sporting sequined suspenders and generic painted faces. It became a convoluted mess; though, as I predicted, and ended up a jumbled clutter much like Salmon Hasimikov’s underwear that night. I was excited about Team Mexico and Team USA, but it was over too quickly, and only noteworthy due to Konnan working weird submissions on Rick Steiner in the early goings. Team USSR looked completely out of place in a wrestling ring, and were better suited in Russia’s drug trafficking scene; Team Japan beat their asses soundly.

Luger was mauled by Hansen in their gimmick match, essentially a Texas bullrope match, but with a nifty new name that never caught on. Hansen’s a beast, and Luger’s a non-talented hack; when put together, they got through a moderately good match, but nothing worth seeking out. Hansen’s facials during sells are pretty fun, but Luger’s so brutally bad at acting hurt and selling pain that it nullifies Hansen’s contributions. Doom versus Windham and Anderson stole the show, in my humble opinion. It was a wild, wild brawl with a lot of intensity, stiffness, big bumps, and emotion. The finish was weak, with the ref doing two simultaneous counts at the same time, but otherwise, this was rather choice.

Team Japan versus Team USA ended with the Americans winning, of course – I recall as a kid, my brother and I both being pretty upset, as for whatever reason, I think because my brother thought Muta’s orally spraying of colored mist was cool, we were pulling for the foreigners. The match was building up nicely, but ended kind of inconclusively for my tastes. The main event was definitely weird, as Ric Flair was wrestling under the guise of Black Scorpion, and had to in effect, wrestle a completely different style which didn’t come off well at all. Flair’s movements were mechanical, almost distractingly so, and Sting couldn’t save this one from being a bust. Still, the aftermath is pretty wild, with all kinds of people fighting, including Dick the Bruiser who looked like an old fogy Popeye.

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