Friday, April 28, 2006

TNA presents Best of Raven: Nevermore Disc 1

This is a huge undertaking. Raven is a major superstar in the world of professional wrestling and I am doing him a double favor by reviewing his DVD, and making him my fourth career analysis (Editor's note: Coming next week). So, let me delve into his world of sloppy russian leg sweeps and convoluded promos (boy, i started out positive!)

1 Raven v. Sandman( House of Fun Match)- 3- First off, Sandman looked drunker than ever before on his way to the ring and i am not putting him over for that. The rules of this match were never explained until the end which resulted in Sandman flying over a balcony with blow all over his face onto a stack of eight tables which he only broke about 3. Raven juiced after a RVD style legdrop from the apron while he was draped over the guardrail? I guess maybe he hit a random shard of beer bottle the lush in the front row dropped; I dont' know. This match was told by our buddy Adam as "anything but fun" but i laughed so hard during i pissed myself... twice!

2 Raven v. AJ Styles( Ladder Match)- 4- AJ sucks as the cocky heel prick and his headwarmer would have gotten his ass kicked in my high school. Raven juiced again in this one quite early, but it wasn't swaying my vote. Vince Russo was involved in this match, it was never explained why but it wasn't a good thing. stick to writing books, or not, because no one bought it. It had potential but it all fizzled away after a few moments of uninspired garbage wrestling.

3 Raven v. Jeff Jarrett( NWA Title)- 1- This was built as the biggest match in TNA history and i was really looking forward to it, but as it unraveled, it became one of the biggest cluster fucks produced as wrestling i've seen. The match for the first 10 minutes or so wasn't bad, and the heat for it was great. Then came about 10 random guys from the back, and all's i saw was Mike sanders whipping Mike Awesome's ass and i didn't know why. Then, a host of ECW stalwarts came out and wore Jarrett's ass out with some weapon shots. Then, out go the lights; even Panda Energy couldn't keep up with the electric bill. And in comes Sabu doing his weak ass table shit. Then, he perpetrated a moment that will always live in infamy: he jumped into the crowd for his get away and almost stepped on a fan, but really did crash into a woman's head knocking her down and out. The man next to her punched Sabu in the shoulder and he half heartedly began helping her up, then just ran away into the night. We watched that clip over and over again, and laughed until the heavens shook and God said "Be Quiet", so of course, we said "You have to see this, since you're going to be wrestling against the McMahons here on Earth at Backlash in your debut," and he said "Sure!" So, me, Brian, and God replayed that Sabu blunder about eight times and he laughed harder than we did. "Oh, man, TNA really doesn't have a clue, do they? Oh, well, i'm going to film a bit for WWE Byte this and then go kill Scott Hall. See ya later!" So, God bounced and we rated this match, LLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!

4 Raven v. Shane Douglas( Hair v. Hair)- 3- Surprise, Surprise, Surprise! No, Gomer Pyle didn't run in, but i would've believed it if he did. They were actually wrestling pretty well together until Raven tried to blade Mitchell which failed, then Shane Douglas remembered he didn't really have to try and Vampiro came in with an Ally Sheedy haircut.

5 Raven v. Vampiro( Gallows of Retribution Match)- 2- Another laugh riot! There were four dog collars tied to all four sides of the ring and i guess you had to choke out your opponent with them. Vamp's ring work was as inspired as the corpse his body tone represented and Raven bled just as natural he you would to eat a cheeseburger. At some point, a man in an all white linen cloak was hanging out in the ceiling; either he was a leper or Raven's father trying to hide himself from the embarassment. I'll go with the latter because he then held up a sign that read "Even Johnny Polo worked better!"

6 Raven v. Father James Mitchell( Last Man Standing)-3- Mitchell sold hard for everything because he knew no better and that made it fun to watch. He bled pretty bad( Raven had to pass duties) and then lost with no build.

7 Raven v. Abyss-2- Abyss really was green but eager and that was something that i wished he would have passed to Raven, like that girl passed him crabs back when he was in ECW and he could get laid because people thought he was actually banging Buelah.

Disc 2

1 Raven v. AJ Styles v. Truth v. Abyss- 4- Finally something to be proud of, until you actually analyze it. Abyss was actually the one working here, bumping big for Truth and AJ while Raven bled and did all his usual spots.

2 Raven v. Truth v. AJ Styles v. Chris Harris- 5- Now this was a big improvement. This was some kind of Royal Rumble entry match that was hard to understand but played out pretty good. I was really getting sick of seeing Russo involved, but Chris Harris did well to keep up his end of the bargain.

3 Raven v. Sonjay Dutt- 1- This is his best of? Why waste our time with a blow out. pointless.

4 Raven v. Sabu(1st match ever)-3- why so low? come on, are you that cruel, Mr. Robertson? No, just honest. I love different aspects of both men but they didn't try and bring anything new or exciting to their first ever encounter. The end was looking really good, except it was blown: a DDT from the top through a table but they collapsed one side of it, then just readjusted and broke through.


1 Raven v. Chris Harris- 4- Both of these matches were done with Raven and Terry Taylor commentary and it took away from both of them. Taylor was whining and bringing up situations that seemed to be taken right from his mid card career. I hated him during this and Raven tried to be funny but came off desperate. It's easier to grade their voices than the wrestling because it was more prevalent.

2 Raven v. AJ Styles- 5- These guys worked well together and the technical wrestling in this match was some of the best i've seen in TNA. AJ proved to me he doesn't have to rush a match to make it seem like a good one and this was the best Raven looked on the whole DVD, even though his commentary displayed him as the immature jackass he must be (i've been to his website: I only plug it for your own amusement.

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