IWA Deep South Carnage Cup VII

February 26, 2011
Cullman, AL

The show starts off with all the tournament participants cutting promos on each other and the state of Alabama. I’d estimate about 50-75 people in the building that looks like some kind of industrial school classroom. This just screams low-grade.

1) Chris Dickinson vs. Jonny Mangue – Thumbtack Kickpads Match – 3
Mangue tries some submission that he saw on an MMA show and looks like hell. Dickinson plays a really good prick heel and has some decent kicks. Mangue does a german suplex through a table that the announcers say “JFK used in the Cuban Missile Crisis”. Pumphandle slam from Dickinson into some tacks ends this mess.

2) Pinkie Sanchez vs. Jimmy Feltcher – Carpet Strip Mayhem Match – 1
Feltcher makes me want to vomit. He’s a really obese guy doing an Adorable Adrian Adonis character in a one-piece that looks like it came from Bastion Booger’s closet. Yokozuna was more in shape than this dude! Feltcher strips and rubs oil on himself during a dance-off spot and I feel like jumping off my third story balcony. Feltcher’s only highlight on offense was powerbombing Pinkie in the corner through some carpet strips. Big spot of the match was botched big time as Pinkie accidentally fell through a makeshift palate of strips and Feltcher took a shitty knee first bump off the second buckle to follow. Annoucers compare Pinkie lightly tossing Feltcher off the second buckle to Hogan bodyslamming Andre. That’s about as ridiculous as this match.

3) Danny Havoc vs. Matt Tremont – Smash, Pow, B@M! Match – 4
These two are the first two that the crowd has reacted to the entire night. Match started with Havoc brutalizing Billy Gram with some light tubes until Tremont comes in and relieves Gram of his spot. I love watching Havoc just destroy people in these type matches. Holy Christ! Havoc broke a fucking plastic water cooler of Tremont’s head! Did I just see a DDT on a VCR? Nice bunch of tacks that Tremont would up with stuck in his buzz cut covered dome. Wild spots involving a shopping cart with Havoc taking a t-bone suplex on it and Tremont taking a damn superplex onto the cart with light tubes on it! I love unneccesarily crazy bumps like that. Fun bout and a stark change from the lame junk that proceeded it.

4) Viper vs. Devon Moore – Barbwire Boards and Weapons Match – 2
Viper has about the same enthusiasm as the carpet in your living room. How bad is it when Viper screws up a simple punch involving a chair? Moore has to blatantly jump for Viper during a spot on the apron. These announcers are so terrible, rambling on about if Jim Duggan killed vampires and doing stupid unfunny jokes. Two notable spots in this one. First, Viper takes a back bump off the apron through a thing that looked like a headboard from a bed wrapped in barbed wire. Second was Moore doing a nice swanton onto Viper with a barbed wire board on top of him. Not good by any means.

5) Neil Diamond Cutter vs. David Day – Pits of Hell Match – 3
How convienient that a ladder and a table were set up by the Coke machine that Neil bumps off of through the table to which the crowd starts a “you suck” chant. For some reason, they started wrestling on the mat after whacking each other with assorted deathmatch objects. I laughed heartedly at this peculiar spot where Neil was supposed to take a back drop into a pit of salt. However, he ends up catching the rim of the pit, looking at it strangely as if it started speaking in Latin to him, and then giving a loud scream like his dick was in a vice. Highlights of this on were Day taking a sick DDT into a tray full of some green objects and Neil hitting a falcon arrow type move into some tubes set up on a ladder.

6) John Rare vs. Spider Boodrow – SAW Deathmatch – 3
The announcers claim this is based upon the Saw film franchise. Funny, I don’t remember there being steel chairs and boards covered in razors in those films. Rare just literally stabbed this Spider character in the bicep with a very sharp object. Quick, someone call the medics! Oh, wait, there aren’t any. These two are just meandering around with random crew members handing in ladders and tables. A tepid brawl takes them to the Coke machine used in the previous match, this time with a razor board covered table in front of it. These two decide it’s a good idea to jump through it which results in Spider cracking the back of his head on the floor. I would’ve been more impressed if Rare was able to master his theme song, “This Calling” by All That Remains, on expert drums using double bass pedals on Rock Band.

7) Phil Macchio vs. Jeremy Flynt – 1
Flynt gets ZERO reaction coming out, trying to get the fans to sing and none of them are even remotely interested. Macchio looks like some karate school burnout. Jackie Chan would’ve kicked this scrub across Asia and back. I think the only offense that Flynt knows are chops. Sloppy ass german suplex from Flynt. Neither guy looked the least bit interested and the only reason the crowd popped at the end was because the match was over.

8) Danny Havoc vs. Devon Moore – Light Tube Doors Match – 3
This might actually be good. Havoc got a huge ass gash on his back from taking a bump onto a light tube covered door on top of two garbage cans. Havoc threw Moore off the top rope and the announcers give out a loud WOOO and say “shades of Ric Flair.” Flair never took a bump through a bunch of light tubes like Devon Moore just did. He didn’t need to. I was kind of hoping for a lot of bloodshed and violence but that didn’t happen as this was only a few minutes long and thorougly disappointing.

9) Chris Dickinson vs. Pinkie Sanchez – Loose Light Tubes and Weapons Match – 2
Crowd brawl accomplishes nothing as they just throw some shoddy punches and take out some table selling beads and girl scout necklaces. Not sure that southern wrestling fans are exactly the target audience for that type of material. Funny spot where Dickinson tries to straighten a table leg but accidentally stomps on a light tube and gets glass in his eye. The table used at the end was completely indestructable when two straight moves failed to break it. Terrible looking pump-handle slam finally breaks the table and we get … a disputed finish with a restart? Wish this tournament would restart with better workers. Pinkie put Dickinson in a figure-four and the inept referee counts a fall to cap off this one.

10) John Rare vs. Neil Diamond Cutter – Exorcist Deathmatch – 3
Did the announcers just say that Neil was a “poor man’s Evan Bourne”? That’s the most absurd statement I’ve heard during this show, and believe me, I’ve heard quite a few. Rare wants to be Thumbtack Jack so bad, almost like he saw a Best of Thumbtack Jack compliation before the show and decided that he wanted to emluate him. Neil is insistent on taking bumps through light tubes and that just completely destroys his back. Anytime Rare wasn’t breaking tubes over Neil’s head, he just laid on the match for most of the match like a corpse. Wonder if that might be a better line of work for him.

11) 7-Man Hardcore Rumble – 1
Our participants are Kornerstone, Backwoods Rebel, Dusty McWilliams, Body Drop (a midget by the way), Mayhem, Sloppy J, and Damien. The majority of them look like they just stumbled out of the moonshine stills of the Ozarks. Sloppy J hits one of the worst stunners in recorded history. McWilliams screws up a spinebuster and the announcers put it over as the biggest move ever. Nothing here but people whacking each other with light tubes and throwing awful punches.

12) Chrisjen Hayme vs. Freakshow – 2
Exchange on the floor in the opening minutes wasn’t bad. Hayme played heel and did a good job of riling up the few fans who care and bumping around for Freakshow. Freakshow kicks out of nearfalls like he was woken up suddenly from an afternoon nap. Hayme took some green mist from Matt Tremont where the end result looked like he got slimed on an episode of Double Dare. Afterwards, Billy Gram cuts a completely indecipherable promo and his goons beat up a few of the dudes from the hardcore rumble, all while some scrawny guy in the crowd wearing a bright yellow Papa John’s Pizza t-shirt goes apeshit over the proceedings.

13) Pinkie Sanchez vs. Neil Diamond Cutter vs. Matt Tremont – Tables, Ladders, Light Tubes, and Chairs Match – 3
I noticed during the entrances that the crowd has thinned out considerably. Tremont comes in from outside of the building to replace Havoc during another promo from Billy Gram where noboby could understand him. Neil gets eliminated right away after a sick piledriver. Some giant ladder contraption is set up with a bunch of light tubes under it. Quite obvious to me that Pinkie is just coasting through and counting the minutes until he can leave Alabama and get back to the respectable land of CHIKARA. Tremont dove through a tube covered table just for shits and giggles and I laughed uproariously. Pinkie dives off the ladder contraption with a whoopie cushion move where he almost breaks his tailbone to win the “prestigous” Carnage Cup trophy and close out one of the worst deathmatch tournaments in recent memory.