Thursday, February 24, 2011

Scaly Dragon Bacchanalia

I've been plowing through '10 DGUSA and thought I'd share some musings on some of the DVD extra bonus matches they're wont to include.

1. Arik Cannon vs. Kyle O’Reilly - (Dragon Gate USA "Untouchable" 9/25/10) - 3
2. Aeroform vs. Zero Gravity - (Dragon Gate USA "Way of the Ronin" 9/26/10) - 2
3. The Prophet, Derrick Niekirk & Irish Airborne vs. Chimera, The Cutler Bros. & Malachi Jackson (Dragon Gate USA "Mercury Rising" 3/27/10) - 2
4. Homicide vs. Shingo (FIP "Heatstroke 2006 Night One" 7/7/06 from DG USA "Mercury Rising") - 4

Battle built around strikes but those are harder to get into when there's no thunderous Kensuke Sasuke chops or devastating Yuki Ishikawa open hand shots, etc. Cannon has been around long enough to have been able to afford better gear than the trunks he sports that look like a black trash bag. Kyle's done some work on the leg -- will it lead anywhere? Close-up of both men on their knees exchanging hard shots felt like borderline Iranian smut. O'Reilly ducks a Shining Wizard and locks in a nasty looking half-crab and I'm starting to think, "Okay, this is sort of starting to work -- I mean, it's better than that shitty film Salt I watched last night, so, it's got that going for it, right?" Arik hits "Total Anarchy" and I weep for the punks that got day jobs like Gary Baker and gave up their three-chord dreams. "Oi! Oi! Oi!" indeed.

This match was exclusive for "golden ticket holders". Now wait -- in Wonka's universe you got a fascinating day in the world's most insane candy factory for being a recipient of said ticket; in our meager world it's good for a few minutes of Flip Kendick painfully trying to cull the acting ability to make us believe this isn't all a big con and he's in real pain. Zero Gravity? More like zero talent. To think my friends and I almost drove to Wisconsin for this show. They would have found me dead in the closet hung with a noose fashioned by those old RF Video catalogues I used to keep copies of crumbled up in my bookbag in high school where I'd spend study hall scouring over the latest ECW fan cams and FMW shit. I'm sure Guido and Ballz changed up their undercard singles enough in the half-dozen towns they ran it in that to not have all of those fan cams is a real disservice. Kendrick did something they dubbed a "Shooting Star 450" which, while I'm not sure is entirely accurate, whatever the hell it was it blew my mind like the unearthing of an hour-long Jessica Alba sex tape conceivably would.

Eight-man tag was all sizzle no steak minus the sizzle (maybe the restauranteur piped in sizzle sounds over hidden speakers in the flora above diners' tables). Cutler brothers' double-teams were crisper and more innovative than those of the Crist brothers'. Malachi was the best part with some good facial performing including feigning fear of Niekirk's raging intensity. Dave Crist took the loss for his team and that made me happy. Homicide versus Shingo sounds like a tasty treat on paper but paper lies. Paper's also recyclable as I hope this disc is as I pitched it in the orange bin curbside promptly after screening. Just kidding, your disc is safe, Adam, as well as those top-secret plans for your forthcoming bachelor party that Tim Chestnut cooked up. This was fine, Shingo lacked the dynamism that makes him a big player in today's scene, he mostly got heat on Homicide and then there was some lame run-in leading to the finish with BJ Whitmer scurrying down with ratty long hair and just fuck off.

1 comment:

Geo said...

I'm glad to see we agree on Zero Grav. At least they'd belong in Wonka's chocolate factory. All they need now are orange faces and green hair.