Sunday, July 8, 2007

SMW Fire on the Mountain '93

1 Jimmy Del Ray v. Steve Armstrong- 3
2 Dirty White Boy v. Mongolian Stomper- 1
3 Tim Horner v. Chris Candido (Baby Bottle Match)- 3
4 Brian Lee v. Tracey Smothers (Coal Miner's Glove Match)- 3
5 Jacob & Eli Blu/ Heavenly Bodies/ Jim Cornette v. Rock n' Roll Express/ Armstrong Brothers/ Bullet Bob (Rage in the Cage)- 3
6 Bullet Bob Armstrong v. Jim Cornette (Lumberjacks w/ Tennis Rackets)- 0

My, oh my, this is southern wrestling taking a little detour north, but all your favorite redneck characters are here. The "Jiggalo" took on one of several unrecognizable Armstrong brothers in a short, but athletically challenged match. The Dirty White Boy, also known as WWE's former plumber TL Hopper, looked like he just walked away from not being able to drop a mud pie in his "backup sink" because he was wearing a surly grin. Stomper, on the other hand, looked to be happy to be alive. Seriously, the guy must have been in his 70's, but he still had that chiseled old athlete look, complete with flabby underarms and overtanned chest. Their match consisted of Stomper laying in some Seth Green-like weak ass strikes while Dirty sold them pretty well. Horner looked younger in 93 than he looked in 85 and Candido was trying to show promise back in his youthful years. Their match wasn't very good; there really wasn't a structure to it, nor did it become a cool ass bare knuckle brawl like most Southern matches have to fall back on. I'm not sure if Candido's cry baby gimmick was working on the fans, but apparently it worked on Tammy Sytch, who loves anything attached to her nipples- take that where you will. Lee and Smothers were the two headliners in this promotion, and the fans wondered why they were nailing the doors shut on their exit from the arena that night. The coal miner's glove was actually an oven mitt with heavy tin foil wrapped around it, so unless they were planning to pull some Nestle Tollhouse out of an oven, the weapon reallly had no use. But, they sold it anyways. Next, the main event. Rage in the Cage, which as a match was designed identically to War Games, except one thing: these guys were in a giant chicken cage. Oh, yeah, and Big Bossman was the guest referee. There were also handcuffs, five pairs on each side, and you could cuff your opponents up to the cage so they couldn't do anything. Of course, with all those bodies, no one could do much of anything. The ring was so cramped, it looked like a subway tunnel under Grand Central Station had been invaded by the Country Music Awards. There was long, unwashed hair and Rebel flag bandanas flying all over that ring. It was a mess. The bonus match was so god awful I could barely stand to wash it, and to do so, I needed a quart of Pepto Bismol. I recently watched the '92 version of this show and it was leaps and bounds over this one. Definitley do not seek this tape out.

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