No Prom Date #3

Back again....lonely as anyone could ever be in a $140 rented tux.

1) Tommy Dreamer v. Brian Lee (Scaffold- High Incident)- 3

Brian Lee...how did he ever get in a main event, not dressed like a motrician? Well, anyways, he had an affinity for the camera as he kept staring into it like he was a hypnotist during a very sad crowd brawl. The only thing that made me react was Lee getting hit with a pumpkin. He could punch though, ensuring the fact he'd been in several bar fights. Dreamer took a painful powerslam to the concrete in the best spot of the match. He also blocked every weapon shot with his hands and didn't try to hide it. They fought hard for a few minutes then went up to the scaffold and teased it for a few seconds before Lee took the fall from grace. It was kind of nasty looking and completely awkward, like the first time the gruff biker stepped into a gay bar, a place he had been magnetically and sexually drawn to.

2) Kerry & Kevin Von Erich v. Chris Adams/ Gino Hernandez (Lumberjack Match)- 7

Kerry and Adams start off with a fast paced reversal spot until Kerry gets superkicked and sells it like a hundred M-80's went off in his pants. I never took the Von Erich's for bumpers but Kerry made that superkick actually look dangerous. No, they proved me wrong- soon after both men took their bumps like they were little boys who couldn't stay up when their little sister pushed them down, like they weren't supposed to fall. Kevin was super aggressive, like a wolverine on heroin and got the crowd amped. Gino Hernandez had some good heel tendencies but his plain moppy hair and white trunks and boots did little to gain him favor in the role. The lumberjacks were only utilized a few times which is kind of refreshing because they're so damn annoying anyways. Everyone went for a standing splash at one point (?) then Kerry and Adams came in for another good sequence just like they started off with except this time it was Kerry who hit an atomic discus punch. Talk about a Climax! Great bookends for this match but I probably would have even ranked it higher had they had a true pinfall, but a wild brawl is what is expected out of a lumberjack match, so no worries.

3) Dean Malenko/ Satoshi Kojima/ Shinjiro Ohtani v. El Samurai/ Yuji Nagata/ Tatsuhito Takaiwa- 3

Takaiwa was the greenest person I've ever seen in purple tights. He just didn't look like he knew what was going on. Ohtani was his usual self, although his supply of springboards were not used. Malenko was definitley the ring general and he and Samurai put together some nice reversals. Most of the match was people doing bad power moves until Malenko won with a beautiful German suplex.

4) The Patriot v. Cactus Jack- 4

This was a brawl, for the most part. Patriot and Jack traded concrete bumps while mean mugging for the camera. Jack executed a completely sloppy version of his flying elbow off the apron and would have look better suited in a BBQ restaurant than a wrestling ring at that point. Both guys were shelling out potatoes left and right until a wave of people interefered, as if Moses had led a mass exodus of jobbers, cretans and never were's across the locker room and out to the ring: "Let my regional mid card jobbers Go!"

5) Tajiri v. Kid Kash (Heat; 06/19/05)- 3

Tajiri made quick work of Kash and brutalized him with kicks throughout their little match. Kash looked so bad, though, during theTarantua, he reached up to move the hair out of his face, as if that was the foremost thing on his mind while you're getting your whole body stretched. It was bush league and I'm glad he''s off my TV screen, at least for now.

6) Blood Generation v. Do Fixer- Dragon Gate 6 man (ROH Supercard)- 7

This was an awesome match no doubt and had tons of really cool moves, especially double team moves. We were talking about how Toryumon was so revolutionary and new and fresh and had so much potential when it first came on the wrestling scene then it seemed to go quiet for years so I was much surprised when I realized Dragon Gate is Toryumon and all was good in the world again. This match was worked with Japanese offense and Mexican psychology with WWE pacing because you had the hard hitting moves combined with the Lucha rope running and various people coming in and out and the WWE style of tag match where there's only ever 2 guys in the ring and the others magically knocked each other out of the ring. It's a good 7; hot, fast paced action with little or no meaning behind it but a big spectacle and something worth watching. These are like those old Michinoku Pro 6 mans with the same guys that had been doing that match for years like taka, sasuke, naniwa, funaki except these guys are still way younger. I'm kind of proud, in a way, because Toryumon was a fed Brian discovered, then shared with me and we kind of embraced it as the best kept secret in the world and now it's blown up and guys are getting coverage in America.

7) Santino Marella v. Ron Simmons- 1

The One Word Wonder (further playing into the stereotype that African Americans have a poor vocabulary) and the Milan Mohawk (who further perpetuates the stereotype that Italians are always on the fence of whether they are great romanticists or closet ass waxers) This was a poor excuse for anything athletic, as Santino, week after week, boggles my mind as to how he was put on Raw and Simmons throws punches that looks like he's hitting a force field in front of him. Simmons basically crawled on his stomach as if looking for his lost quarter under a pop machine and Santino dropped sloppy kicks and forearms on his back. During the match I received a text message from my TV and it said "I'd rather watch Gilmore Girls."