Sunday, September 9, 2007

No Prom Date #2

"They're so alone, out there in the cold, With a rented tuxedo and some rest holds, The limos drive by, filled with booze and prom queens, I walk back home to watch some Kevin Steen.
No--Prom---Date, ooh ah (Ed Michaels, your influence will always live on in this article)

1) Tommy Dreamer v. D-Von Dudley (Monday Night Raw, '97)- 2

D-von looks like the ultimate indy moron; I always hated those Dudley tights. Dreamer could effectively throw a right hand and tries to get all spotty on Raw to impress Vince. The match doesn't last long and Paul E. hypes it like he sold his soul to the devil to get ECW over. Sandman comes in for a cane shot party and looks quite youthful with his ratty, tousled short-mullet. Oh, how strange he looks now that alcohol has dried out his skin.

2) Ultimate Warrior v. Bobby Heenan (Weasel Suit Match)- 2

I think I reviewed this before, on the Warrior DVD. Oh well, it's just as funny here. Heenan's body looks like a bowling pin. His dutch boy haircut was bouncing everywhere as Warrior chased him around the ring. Heenan sells a clothesline like a champ though. This was short and putting the weasel suit on him was so exposing to the business because Heenan had to help him put it on. The claws on the end of it were high end kindergarden stuff.

3) Sheepherders/ Jack Victory v. The Fantastics/ Terry Taylor (Barb Wire Cage)- 4

The cage itself looked like an inept business man's weekend project of building a place to hold his blonde prostitutes. It was shoddy to say the least. The Fantastics impressed me a lot, Rogers with his awesome, street fight survival punching and Fulton by loving to shred his skin with the wire. The Sheepherders, minus head licking, still look like drunk clam fisherman in the ring, and they no sell absolutely everything. People were bumping into each other like they were on a subway and the whole match was like a meandering brawl. Taylor blades right in front of the camera and still no one cares. Terry Taylor has cancer and still no one cares. The finish was botched, by Victory and we have a feud ended. Jim Ross was pretty good on commentary though.

4) King Kong Bundy v. Mr. Wrestling II- 3

not sure where this was from- Mid South I think. Wrestling II was really spry, bouncing around like a baby kangaroo. He played a walking dead man really well, and made Raven's kneelifts look like Gumby having sex. They quickened the pace at the end and Bundy hit a organ liquifying powerslam for the win. OUCH.

5) King Kong Bundy v. Mabel (Over the top rope Match; Monday Night Raw 01/30/95)- 0

This was short, and awfully boring. They tussled with each other like they were two walruses trying to swallow the last perch scraps. Bundy looked like the shrunken head from Beetlejuice. Crowd really didn't care about this.

6) Ultimate Warrior/ Jake "the Snake" Roberts v. Ted Dibiase/ Akeem- 6

The crowd was coming unglued for the faces entrance. Not sure of the location, but they were hot for this one. Dibiase early on took a nasty bump, shoulder and neck first into the turnbuckle; pretty cool way to take it. Snake and Dibiase worked the majority of the match together and it was fluid viscosity, Snake is really good at selling the precise point on his body that aches into deep pain. Warrior came in for a flash and the crowd blew up; Akeem sold big for him too. This was a really fun match, like watching a Colisuem Home Video from my youth, wrapped up in a Turtles blanket on the floor, eating a Nutty Buddy and drinking some milk.

7) Jon Moxley v. BJ Whitmer (02-31-07 as posted by HWA's webmaster- since when did Feb. jump up to 31 days- stupid fuck)- 4

Moxley looks like the pothead neighbor that lives next door to your grandparents and has a van with those Grateful Dead Bears plastered all over the bumper. BJ's trunks had the Budweiser logo on them, I guess he just turned of age that week and was proud, although the kid's got more acne than a whole Junior High Band. They started out slow, lots of hammerlocks and such and both men were trying to establish a pace. It was working nicely but Moxley started bouncing around the ring like Pinky, "can we take over the world tonight, huh, Brain?" " can we start doing our signature moves now, BJ? Huh, can we please, can I do this backbreaker move I saw on a AAA tape last week? Please!" They pulled off a pretty sweet superplex and I loved BJ's sell of the back of his head, even though he was the one who did the move. Interference by 5 or 6 regional puss-sacks ended a pretty basic but fun encounter.

8) Necro Butcher v. Abdullah the Butcher (their 1st match)- 1

This was a young Necro, who still had hair, some stupid goth makeup, and the same lame heavy metal t-shirt that comes standard with your first indy heel run. Necro was taking some nasty spills and definitley over selling for Abby. You could tell he wasn't used to it. He brought nothing new to the table and just followed along, like watching his kids at a playground, pulling his fork out and jabbing Necro in the face (Oh god no, I didn' t mean to insinuate that Abby does that to his kids) but, this was pretty boring and featured your usual blood, but nothing great.

9) Jack Evans v. Trik Davis- 1

This was a ROH dark match. Trik was your normal pleather wearing 14 year old with no muscle definition trying to use another variation of the Stroke. Less than a minute in, Evans pulls off a 450 splash to the outside? Where did that come from? He hits a Giselle-looking dropkick after that. Trik goes on offense and really tries to show his backyard fed that he's made it. This was shorter than Trik's first time, with a raver who had her nose, ears, eyelids, underarms, side boob, nipples, belly button, clitoris and kneecaps pierced.

10) Syxx v. Rey Mysterio jr.- 4

Syxx is a good heel on defense. He eats everything really well and builds Rey to a good comeback. Nash makes googy eyes on the outside with bad dye job #345. Syxx has problems applying an abdominal stretch, much like he has problems applying Trojans while he makes bad porn tapes with hermaphrodites. Rey hits his completely phat-ass, completely WCW Hurricanrana and Syxx flops like an electrocuted fish. Nash comes in for his obligatory interference spot and this loses points. Crappy ending to exciting match.

11) Takeshi Morishima v. Vader- 5

This is a younger, thinner Morishima with shorter hair. Looks like a teenage Manga fangirl, but he throws a mean elbow. Vader gives as good as he gets. He doesn't even wait for the bell to rip off his mask. Vader eats a great lariat. They're just brawling, Vader completely mauls him with a tackle and I faintly remember why he was so feared back in the early 90's. Morishima is a great bumper; Vader crumples him with a devastating chokeslam for the win. This was short and exquistely painful.

12) Davey Richards v. Laramie Lexow (02/25/06)- 4

Richards is quick and confident and his opponent is begging for a new gimmick and something less visually distracting than glowing green wrestling shorts. Richards just out schools him and makes himself look very viable as a technical wrestler. He's working a lot of transitions on the mat and it's wonderful. Lexow (how the hell do you pronounce this?) throws some late night kung fu kicks that are as choreographed as a Tchiakosvky ballet. Richards looks crisper than Pannini bread and hits a back kick and a backcracker that are deliciously devastating. Lexow lets out his inner Bulldog and stomps the mat like he's in Sunday revival as he throws his strikes. Stomp that foot! Praise Jesus! Telegraph your punches, ahh, like it said in the Bible, ahh, in the light, ahh, in the name, ahh, in the power of God's son and Davey,ahhh, Boy Smith, ahh, roasting in hell right now, ahh….too far?
Meanwhile, back to the match, Richards hits a superplex that folds them both like beach chairs. Richards sells the back of his head well then gets up and breaks this sucker's neck with an Angel's wings that would turn Christopher Daniels into a drug-induced serial rapist. Not too bad for indy schlock, match went way too long at over 17 minutes though.

13)Shinya Hashimoto v. Masato Tanaka (02-03-02, Zero One)- 6

I loved the way this match started: Tanaka took Hash's title belt and punted it like it was a 47 yd field goal, then Hash absolutely demolished Tanaka. They built this match around Tanaka being able to take tremendous amounts of punishment and Hash being able to give brutal beatings. Hash did a mushroom stomp from the apron to Tanaka and fell face first into the guard rail. Too much sake, I guess. Tanaka tries working a body part, but seems uncomfortable doing it. Everything Hash does has a purpose, he's definitley not working by the hour,but he is a stiff, shit kicking assailant who love kicking the ever loving piss and vinegar out of worker- BY THE RED MOON IN CHINA AND ALL THAT IS HOLY ABOUT LOVING BRUTAL JAPANESE WHORES, HASH IS THE STIFFEST FUCKING HUMAN EVER CREATED! He wails and wails on Tanaka with kicks like that really awesome of Lost, season one where Jack just beats on Charlie's chest over and over again trying to revive him; Man, that's a great show. Anyways, Hash finished the match making Tanaka, who's one tough, tough strangely tanned bastard look like a little girl. BRAINBUSTER! Damn. Haven't seen Tanaka since and now I know why. Brutal beatings for all tough men named Tanaka. Cool match.

14) Stan Hansen v. Curt Henning- 3

Hansen is paler than Carrot Top. Henning flops around and tries to corral Hansen like a cross eyed steer. He's just stomping around the ring like he's off his meds. Henning sells his ass off and Hansen drops some cool knees to the stomach. Both men are vehemently confused as they blow the ending.

15) Jeff Hardy/ X-Pac v. Rob Van Dam/ Billy Kidman- 4

Hardy and Kidman have really good chemistry, but Kidman was still dressed like an awkward teenager with his really high cut shorts. Hardy wears a hat during the match. It's purple and matches his tights because if nothing else, you must accessorize! This is going a hundred miles an hour and no one has more than 3 seconds to sell anything. It's all high impact and some really bad rope running, a little watched skill. When done badly it sticks out, and Hardy and RVD especially are acting as if it has chylmidia on it (like they haven't had that already.) Cool false finish then RVD uses the Johnny Cage split leg punch to block X-Factor- that was neat. This was fun to watch, in the vein of a Road Runner cartoon.

16) Demolition v. Andre the Giant/ Giant Baba- 3

Most of this match was Demolition pounding Andre's back and not letting him up. Eventually Smash went to the ground with him and Andre did the coolest rolling armbar to reach his corner for the tage- it was bloody awesome! Never seen it before, especially not from someone like him. Then Baba got in, hit a bad ass swinging neckbreaker that would make Wayne Ferris split his lip, then he just sold a hundred punches like he had something in his eye.

17) Averno/ Mephisto v. Blue Panter/ Mistico (CMLL 02/01/06)- 6

I had heard about Mistico for a while but never seen his work; take my word, he's the real deal. He's in really good shape, he actually has muscle for a Luchadore and he was bumping his ass off, taking crete bumps all through out the match. The heels were really good in this too, using some great double teams and classic heel stuff like holding the ropes open for Mistico to get back in the ring then kicking the ropes on his Juevos. Panther was kind of a non issue in this; he's old but he didn't really get in the way. Mistico wrestles like an X-Division guy but makes it look so much better. Awesome tornado armbar wins the match and I'm doubly impressed.

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