Sunday, September 23, 2007

Burger Kang #2

It’s been a long, tiring, and draining week. Thus, this edition of Burger Kang is notably smaller than they’ll usually be; but, I’m beat, and would rather lay leisurely in bed watching ’97-era Nation of Domination footage. Until next time, be like Kang, tip your taint tickler, and seek out all wrestling footage.

Kanemaru, Sugiura, and SUWA vs. KENTA, Low Ki, and Marvin – (NOAH 3/5/04) – 7

Maybe it’s due to this rib place I went to earlier having 25-cent draft beers with an entrée, but wow, I loved this match. And honestly, I don’t think it’s the alcohol talking, I think it was the superb wrestling. There’s nothing entirely new here, but everything is done with intensity and skill. KENTA really stole the show, just being incredibly stiff, really laying in shots and being seemingly up for anything, it’s always a treat to see Low Ki outside of the US, and in one spot, he leapfrogged a SUWA dropick, which blew my mind, and rounding out that team, Marvin is arguably the weak link, but he really doesn’t disappoint, if anything, it’s just that some of his more lucha-inspired offense looks weaker in comparison to other stuff. The heels are all also solid, I couldn’t say any one of them outshines another, but they’re rugged and not afraid to eat plenty of mega mean chops and kicks from their opponents. This would be a great match to show someone who’s never seen contemporary Japanese wrestling before; it’s quickly paced, action-packed, and stiffer then an Andre the Giant turd lying in a bathtub for weeks.

Jushin Liger vs. Tiger Mask – (NJPW 5/7/06) – 4

Liger’s wearing the black suit, so, he looks more pimp than Ice T sticking his shriveled nuts in a San Jose hooker’s styled hair. This match wasn’t complete, nor was it really that good. Tiger Mask does a 619, and honestly, I think Rey’s little son Dominic could pull it off nicer. This is just sub-level Liger. They do some garbage wrestling, and it just comes off terribly. Liger swings a chair, Tiger dodges, it “bounces” off the ropes, and Liger holds it awkwardly near his face until Tiger kicks it into his cranium. Tiger Mask does bleed, cutting off a portion of his mask, as well as some skin. Once the blood starts flowing, Liger turns into a different behemoth, after a snapmare he busts out some Robert Fuller punches to the wounded head of Tiger. They do the standard surprise roll-up finish to make it look like Tiger eked out a victory; afterwards, Liger beats up some of the local dojo boys, and then pulls off Tiger’s torn mask in spite.

Bill Dundee vs. Derrick King (Memphis Wrestling 1/20/07) – 2

This was touted as a “Bam Bam Bigelow tribute match”. Their shill guy announces the death of Bigelow, then invited Dundee down to reminisce the bald behemoth with the trunks adorned with flames and the cartwheel that weakened girls’ knees nationwide. Derrick King enters the picture, looking like a chubby Sisqo with bleached hair. After a hiptoss early King is begging off like he’s watched Flair footage since he was born in that alley behind the dumpster. King reaches into his trunks, grabs his withered cock, no, a foreign object of some sort, and blatantly uses it to strike Dundee a bunch while the referee watches on helplessly like the girls that Sir Oliver Humperdink used to hold down while Bigelow defecated on their blouses. King and the ref collide, and in the ensuring confusion, King hits Dundee with a savate kick. Some guy in a crushed velvet pimp suit tosses a title belt into the ring that King uses, getting himself disqualified. Not sure what purpose this served, it went three minutes tops, Dundee looked completely sad, and King wouldn’t be a ringleader even if he had fifteen years of tutelage under Butch Reed.

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