Tuesday, September 5, 2006

TNA Hard Justice: How would you Plan it?

Okay, TNA just had a monthly PPV on that could have really done them some good instead of just raked in enough money to pay Christian, but it dropped the ball. So, I'm going to rate this show, but also show how I would have done it. It'll be fun. Watch.

1 Truth v. A-1(preshow match)-1
What Happened: This was a creme de la shit. Two minutes and two botched spots. I guess a half ass attempt at giving A-1 a push.
WWJD(this stands for What Would Jessie Do?, so back off Jesus Freaks): A-1 sucks, and I would never push him, and Truth is staler than that fruitcake your wacky aunt gave you last year for Christmas. I would've thrown a net down on both of them, and then had them finish the match.

2 Cassidy Reilly/ Sonjay Dutt v. Jimmy Jacobs/ ?-2
What Happened: Not much. Reilly returned, Jacobs debuted, and Sonjay looked more foolish than Tom Cruise as he pretended he was a human lawn sprinkler.
WWJD: Jacobs debuted in absolute lackluster fashion to the delight of no one. If I ran the show, he would've stood out, by injuring the returning Cassidy. He's no good and he'll never be over, so make an angle out of it. And Sonjay would immediately cease and desist acting like a human lawn sprinkler. What a turd.

3 Johnny Devine v. Eric Young-3
What happened: The flipping roof caught on fire! TNA has managed to boner a PPV during the first match. It usually happens when they do that match with the rubber X that hangs from those cables above the ring. Wait a minute! Why are wrestlers climbing cables in a wrestling match? Can someone explain that to me?
WWJD: They would've wrestled, and Young would win because he's more over. Devine actually had some talent. I would've filmed a skit where he was caught on the camera trying on some of Nash's old ring tights, like he's a sick freaky guy. I know, I have issues.

4 Chris Sabin v. Alex Shelly-4
What happened: Nash didn't want to wrestle, so they threw this one together. Neither man had the match they usually do and the stupid building caught on fire! What a boner!
WWJD: Let Shelly win. He's a new face, and Sabin has gotten so many shots at the X title. And Nash would've interfered. He just sat at ringside in a wheelchair, pretending to be hurt and collecting a check. Sometimes I hate democracy.

5 Abyss v. Runt-5
What Happened: These two tried to bring the energy up a bit with a sick hardcore match that showed Runt getting his face stomped into thumbtacks. Truly sick.
WWJD: Abyss was the right guy to go over, but maybe to keep it going I would have had Spike, sorry, Runt, what is he a fucking sick puppy? Anways, maybe Runt could've not given up, kept coming after the match, something like that.

6 Monty Brown v. Rhino v. Samoa Joe-7
What Happened: These guys had the best build up and the best match of the night. It was wild, hard hitting and it really looked like they didn't like each other. I enjoyed.
WWJD: They did this one right. These are all three guys they are grooming for top spots, so they gave them a high profile match. It was sloppy as pig shit, don't get me wrong, but Joe was the right guy to win.

7 Gail Kim v. Sirelda-3
What Happened: No one taught Sirelda how to wrestle. Gail Kim, who normally is a fantastic performer, showed some ring rust. UGLY.
WWJD: There's not much you could do with this besides cancel it. Kim won, and that was the right thing, but other than that, fire Sirelda.

8 Senshi v. Petey Williams v. Jay Lethal-5
What Happened: A good three way, that had it's share of cool spots. It lacked storyline, emotion and real, true selling, which Petey is usually good with and that brought it down for me.
WWJD: This wasn't usual X-Division Balls to the Walls fun. It was a three way, with some very solid wrestling, but this "new X-Division" you can leave it on the curb with your old NWO shirts because I don't want it.

9 AJ Styles/ Christopher Daniels v. LAX-4
What Happened: A hot buildup with a new team, and great potential, spoiled like the milk you should have thrown away yesterday. Seinfeld posed a great question, that will be asked generations from now: How good is milk the day after the day? Anyways, LAX looked pretty good and Hernandez has the most potential of any big man I've seen in a while. AJ and Daniels had their bumping boots on, but the finish was rushed and could've been executed better. WWJD: LAX title change. They had more heat coming in to the match and they're both young guys. I figured they let the TNA golden boys retain since they set fire to their building and needed the crowd back into it. I heard Borash was asked to pull a random ticket number out of a hat and had to give that person oral sex, but when he drew a woman, he refused. He was given a raise.

10 Jeff Jarrett v. Sting-1
What Happened: Holy shit, I hate wrestling! TNA thinks any emotion is good emotion. Well, I'm sure that theory holds up for whenever Mike Tenay's wife gets a little liquid down in her unmentionables, but for wrestling, no. Generally you give the fans what they want, sometimes you can screw with them, and even less can you really swerve them, but never keep doing what they tell you they hate time and time again, what they hate more than teeth during a blowjob, what they hate more than Drew Carey, never do that. And Jeff Jarrett being NWA champion is that. The Christian turn was as noticeable as Don West's oncoming heart attack and Scott Steiner's daily shrinking penis from years of steroid abuse. It was horribly contrived and I took a big heaping warm Shatner all over it. Not to mention Jarrett and Sting's ring work(I feel like a hypocrite even reviewing this as wrestling), when they were in the ring. Of course TNA booked a shabby crowd brawl with no intensity and no fire. This came off as quite possibly one of the most ill-conceived concepts in TNA's 4 year history.
WWJD: Christian turns during mid-match, but gets his ass whipped by Sting anyways. Then, Steiner botches his interference and hits Jarrett, then he gets dumped out and Sting wins the belt, setting up Sting vs. Christian and Jarrett vs. Steiner(believe me, I don't want this anymore than you do; I just think you pile the shit with the shit) at the next PPV. Oh yeah, and the stip on the Jarrett vs. Steiner match is participants get fired match.

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