Monday, September 18, 2006

HWA Cyberclahs- March 19,2006

1 Buffalo Bad Boy/ Kimera v. Ric Byrne-0
2 Matt Parks v. Ryan Beach-2
3 Jesse Hyde v. Dick Rick v. Brad Smith-1
4 Matt Stryker v. Tack-3
5 Wyashlychn/ Aaron Williams v. Bull Pain/ M. Todd Straton-3
6 Foreign Intelligence v. Dalton & Dillinger v. GP Code v. Stahr/ Darkstorm- 2
7 Helena Heavenly v. AJ Sparx-0
8 Crazy J v Lotus(Ladder)-5
9 Chad Collyer v. Nigel McGuiness- 6
10 Jimmy Yang v. Pepper Parks-4
11 Cody Hawk v. Jon Moxley(Steel Cage)-4

I'm feeling particularly mean writing this one. First, the staff. Our two announcers, one who looks like a Joey Styles rip off who hasn't hit puberty yet, and the other feigns alcoholism, as if it is something cool and fun, but who probably does the majority of his drinking alone, in his room, with one hand on his flaccid penis and the other on the remote, rewinding the scene in Teen Wolf where a guy flashes during the big game in the back of the stands. Then, the ring announcer. I've never seen a better candidate for suicide than this fat oaf. He was wearing a bright white ring jacket that was supposed to make him look trendy, something he never quite got in high school when he was wearing Monty Python T-shirts and making Star Wars fight scene compilation tapes. By the way, I was shocked when I saw the ring announcer because he brought my fish sandwich out to my car at that waiting point in front of the drive through at McDonalds. Now, the "wrestling."

The opening match made me want to swallow Draino. Ric Byrne is the ugliest, droopiest, oldest, most unathletic sad sack of fairy crap I've personally ever witnessed, but I knew the show had just started. He was called a veteran at one point. That's like calling Jesus a philanderer. It's like calling Tom Cruise normal. The second match I actually don't even recall and I watched it less than a week ago. That's bad. Jesse Hyde, you've really done something with your life. I'm sorry you can' even get a fast food job with that putrid hair, but I'm sure there's an available homeless person needing a bath at your local shelter. Stryker and Tack had a shitfest of a match, interspersed with a few good moves. Bull Pain looked particularly nasty, albeit not selling a single shot, he did put the hurt on their "To be a star" contest winner. He could sue for that fucking absurdity because he's not making it out of the Midwest working for that hick promotion. The four way tag was way too long, bordering on over thirty minutes and not a damn memorable thing happened, except the teams receiving blowjobs from Patrick Black on the way through the curtain as they were eliminated. The women's' match( using both of those words loosely) was an abomination of an athletic contest. Helena was growing some kind of live mold on her hips that had become cottage cheese and AJ looked like a mustard stain in her ring gear. That's easier to get out of your clothes than the cum stains left on her back by Matt Dillinger earlier. He calls it art; I call it desperation.

Now, the "main events." The ladder match was over thought, actually it wasn't given the right amount of thought. There were some painful spots, and they did do their same opening technical routine they always do, but I liked seeing the ladder draped over the ropes and then the leg drop onto it. The ending was thoroughly ruined, and I cringed watching it. Two young men, such promising careers... at Denny's. (That was for you Adam!) Collyer and McGuiness, two men very familiar with each other, seeing as how they wrestle at every fucking show around this area, decided to throw some good psych into their match and serve up an actual treat as opposed to their usual fish-sauerkraut and sour lemon soufflé of stink-saddled wrestling. Yang and Parks worked a decent match, but not worthy of a World Title match. Yang looked pretty bored. And the main event cage was heading towards promise, and that really pains me to say considering Cody Hawk's presence. But, they used the cage, they bled, the teased the end, and the end actually came and it was worse than I thought. So much convoluted run in BS hurt the match rating. Overall, as HWA's first online PPV, I would suggest putting more thought into the next one as opposed to just naming how many relatives you've all had sexual relations with, then looking around the room and realizing that they are all standing in front of you.

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