Burger Kang #13: Like the Desert Needs Madison Rayne

1. Madison Rayne vs. Miss Tessmacher - TNA iMPACT! 8/4/11 - 1

First match reviewed on Never Hand Over in 2011! It barely goes two minutes and only highlight was Tessmacher aping Rikishi's "Stink Face" although the move is robbed of its power when you replace Rikishi's bulbous buttocks with a super model's. She was in WWE for a cup of coffee (anyone remember Extreme Exposé?) but hasn't turned a lot of heads thus far in TNA. Her getting a win over a former champion in Rayne goes a small way in helping build her credibility, but the roll-up finish wasn't exactly empowering, and seemed to be overshadowed by the post-match hijinks surrounding Angelina Love and Winter's attack on Mickie James.

2. The Miz and John Morrison vs. Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho - WWE Raw 5/5/08 - 3

Michaels is selling during his pre-match shtick so he's coming into this one injured. Jericho busts out a textbook vertical suplex (too bad I was snoozing like him on the set of Math for Hindus). Jericho sells the Flying Chuck kick like he just got sprayed with Joker's toxin. HBK made his one in-ring moment count hitting a surprised Morrison with Sweet Chin Music which lead to a Lionsault and a win for the makeshift duo. Short and mostly angle fodder but sacrificed the company's main tag team in doing so.

3. Shadow WX and The Winger vs. Takashi Sasaki and Yuko Miyamoto - BJW 10/13/2008 - 4

This had boards with fluorescent lightbulb tubes on them in the corners. Pretty small gymnasium and they had pulled their production truck right into the building so of course Winger had to do a back senton off of it in a spine-tingling spot. Winger has the most bush league get-up in puro. My sense of BJW history isn't the most sound but when watching a lot of 2010 stuff Sasaki and Miyamoto seemed like THE team but here they were subservient with WX going over in the end with a lariat that didn't have much mustard on it. Some great bumps but that's par for the Big Japan course and lacked any drama late to push its score up.

4. K-Kwik and Too Cool vs. Tazz and Kaientai - WWE Raw 1/15/01 - 4

'01 Raw is a strange beast. Funaki's hair is long and silken. I hate to say it but whenever I stumble upon old Too Cool stuff (like during our boss SmackDown! '99 project) I can't help but think they're underrated. Taz's get-up makes him look like a custodian. I loved Taka and Funaki celebrating post-doubleteam on Sexay. Taz is all over Sexay like he would be over a corned beef and rye in an NYC deli. Christopher may not be one-quarter of his father but his histrionics are a hoot. Can't believe R-Truth was doing the exact same shtick ten years ago -- hasn't changed up his game at all. Taz gets hit with the worm (the 2 Hotty move not Heyman's pet name for his pasty cock). K-Kwik gets choked (read "choked" not "coked") out. Too short to rate higher but a lot of fun.

5. Satoshi Ishii vs. Fedor Emelianenko - DREAM Fight For Japan: Genki Desu Ka Omisoka 2011 12/31/11 - 1

I'm sick of these vanity fights for Fedor. Dude was blown up as best heavyweight in the world, finally comes to the states, dodges UFC where the toughest fights were, then gets beaten like a Detroit streetwalker twice, flies back home, and is back punishing nobodies. Ishii, go back to judo, dog, dude went down on the mat faster than April O'Neil does a dong. Happy New Year's!