Tuesday, April 5, 2011

BCW Brink of Death 4

Ballistic Championship Wrestling "Brink of Death 4"
December 4, 2010 - Rutland, OH

1. Phil Macchio vs. Donovan Tate - 1

Macchio's doing insipid Karate Kid shtick and Tate enters to Jimmy Eat World, surely he's a favorite among the collegiate crowd. Plagued by some of the worst amateur execution I've seen in a long time, i.e. sloppy rope running, beleaguered expressions, inability to properly apply the most basic of moves, brutally long extended side headlock sequence, etc.

2. Shawn Day vs. Zac Vincent - 2

Zac appeared to be wearing molds of Bigfoot's feet and did a walking headstand to the ring? Day attempted Ibushi's signature missed moonsault from the top into a standing moonsault with lackluster results. Day smiles while working, unsure on why, perhaps relief that he's there and not county jail? The tribal design on Day's trunks reeks of unoriginality. Vincent is an eyesore, the combination of his long, straight black hair and pale skin call to mind a partially nude Cher circa '04 which makes his already troubling histrionics even more insufferable.

3. Bryan Cross vs. Cole Cash - 3

Cole looks like a fat bar dweller and is wearing an Alkaline Trio t-shirt. Cross chased Cash around ringside and one of the commentators said it was like a "race to Pizza Hut". No kidding. They have a strike exchange on the floor that won't make the NOAH undercard guys fear their spots. These guys were former partners, and this is for BCW's main title, so it has a bit more backstory than what preceded it. Cross looks like a guy that grew up with posters from Hit Parader all over his bedroom wall. Cole won it with a Burning Hammer I dubbed the Smoldering Fly Swatter.

4. Carpet Strips Texas Death Match: Bildo vs. FreakShow - 4

Bildo's a fat fucking creep. He comes out and some elderly lady jaws with him and he steals her bottle of water and every time she goes to grab it he pulls back mockingly teasing her like a canine. Freakshow's head looks like an elephant took a dump on his shoulders but at least he smiles and is presumably self-aware about how ridiculous this all is. Bildo does throw a manly punch, none of those '80's wrestling-style shots, he just balls his fist up and bashes it into your skull. Too often in wrestling basic strikes aren't even attempted to look hurtful but here both big men really lay in their shit and everything thuds and thwacks with girth. The Texas Death element of the stipulation seemed unnecessary and dragged this out. This is repugnant. Bildo gives FreakShow a Samoan drop onto a casket made of carpet strips. Whoever invented carpet stripes would likely hang himself if he saw his helpful household products used in such lunacy.

5. Fans Bring the Weapons: Mad Man Pondo vs. Danny Havoc - 3

How can the fans bring the weapons if there aren't any fans? The miasma inside that gymnasium must have been noxious. Pondo actually has a valet who looks like his meth addicted niece wearing a Lost Boys shirt. Pondo can't help but to harass the hothead grandma in the crowd, too. He grabs a Thing Hand (similar to Hulk Hands, remember those?) and says he wishes he could jam it up her old ass. It takes three or four country boy security guards to restrain her as she fights to get into the ring. I feel real crummy watching this. I hate to say it but Havoc is too good for this -- he should at least be getting punched in the face by sweaty Samoans in JAPW. A squirt gun fight to open. I wonder if Hunter's going to rip that spot for WrestleMania this year. Danny does a Jerry Lawler fistdrop wearing the Thing Hands. Less than 90 seconds in and we get a DDT on a barbwire 2X4. The improvisational element of these "fan bring the weapons" bouts isn't quit as captivating as a great jazz soloist improvising an extended solo on his brass. Pondo's been doing this shit for too long. I remember talking horror movies with him post-show in the late-'90's after a deathmatch show here in Ohio. Pondo tries to give Havoc an enema with a giant barbwire crayon. I think if I was at the show the weapon I would have donated would have been a shotgun (in hopes they'd use it) or a barbwire Optimus Prime. One thing I hate about these matches is the finishes never seem as extreme or satisfying as the violence that precedes them. Post-match, damn it, I have to mention this, Pondo has a fake hand on a stick and uses it to jam into the crotch of the elderly lady at ringside, she desperately tries to get to the supply of light-tubes left nearby, all the while a young child cries in the background while my heart sinks.

6. Tai Pei & Panes of Glass: TJ Phillips vs. Viper - 5

Phillips looks like a gas station attendant with a Mickey Rourke-level plastic surgery bungle in his past. Pondo on commentary says TJ has "watched Japan shit" so I guess that's a plus. I wonder if he's a Punch the C fan? I wonder when a documentary filmmaker will discover that the zeitgeist of the American death match scene is so worthy of a feature film. The festival crowds love stuff about obscure subcultures and what'd be weirder to mainstream filmgoers than watching a bunch of grown men ruin their bodies and soiling their souls in-front of dozens for little pay and less respect. Tangent aside, this is some of the better stuff so far, Philips busts out a Togo-level back senton and some of the uses of glass are clever and serviceable. Viper's lost weight. Probably the cocaine diet. I thought only Hollywood actresses did that? Pondo asks, "How's his nipples look, Viper, how's his nipples look?" Try as I might I can't help but love a big, gnarly, completely unnecessary garbage bump, i.e. Viper being tossed off the apron onto a plate of glass bridged between chairs. I've been having to watch this show in small chunks over an extended amount of time as it's been eating away at my soul. I've lost count of the glass bumps. There's more glass scattered around than you'd final total in a Chicago skyscraper. Viper is called the "hometown hero". That's the best you've got, Rutland, OH? Isn't there a fireman or Blimpee employee or something with a clean record and low scar count that'd be better suited for that honor? Maybe a teacher or nurse? Nope. It's Viper. Finish was kind of cool, a sunset flip powerbomb onto another pane of glass bridged between chairs, this one in the ring, and underneath it a tray of salt. I hope nobody's driveway needed de-iced.

7. Barbwre Trampoline & Loose Light Tubes: David Day vs. WHACKS - 4

These guys have broken so many lightbulb tubes I hope they had a Groupon. I will say this: that barbwire trampoline was fucking awesome. I congratulate whatever madmen built that. I'm sure Honma has one in his backyard in Yamagata for his kids to play with. Pondo buries Lady Gaga on commentary and while I don't care about her poker face I wouldn't be entirely opposed to giving her a glazed face. David Day must weigh 85lbs and WHACKS looks like Combo from Breaking Bad. The match-ending powerbomb on a light tube was pretty damn stiff and one of the better finishes so far.

8. Barbwire Boards: TJ Phillips vs. FreakShow - 3
9. Loose Light Tubes and Weapons: WHACKS vs. Danny Havoc - 2

The second round begins and I weep. Next match started pretty droll like a botany lecture and you've got a window seat and it's nice outside and you'd rather be out there. It's actually a sort of slower-paced brawl that kind of works for me. FreakShow has to be to most apathetic worker in the business. The finish was certifiably nuts as Phillips busted out a super-hurricanrana from the top out to the floor onto a makeshift barbwire table. There was nothing graceful about FreakShow's big ass hurtling through the air and smacking onto the floor like a seal carcass. You could tell at this point that not only are the dozen in attendance tired and despondent but the guys no longer care either. Havoc and WHACKS didn't seem like they could get on the same page, that can happen when one is reading Sherwood Anderson and the other a back-issue of Juggs (or is he a Lemon People guy?). Biggest highlight for me was Havoc taking a Death Valley Driver onto a bed of upturned forks. WHACKS starts epically bleeding from his skull post-match and the ref throws up the infamous "X" symbol to denote an injury but then quickly realizes there's no medical aid or even anyone remotely interested in helping or caring.

10. Alister Fear vs. Hellaware Assassin - 1

I told myself I wasn't going to take screenshots of this show as I'd spend all day snapping grotesque stills but this chance encounter between Alister Fear and a young child and the kid's subsequent Kevin McCallister facial is priceless. I assume these guys are related to the booker as they look like guys that change oil at Wal-Mart and not trained wrestlers. Assassin walked out looking like a D-grade Nick Gage but once the bandana is removed he has a kind face like a friendly uncle or cotton candy salesman at Magic Kingdom which completely kills his name/gimmick. The commentators keep calling Alister "McFear" and even make some obscure McDonald's-related quips including a Mayor McCheese reference. I was always more of a Fry Kids fan but also partial to Birdie the Early Bird. All I know is Alister's dick probably resembles a McRib. While I screen this match on my laptop my son Owen is watching Blue's Clues -- is something wrong with this picture? I'm sure Hellaware's weapon of choice the barbwire tennis racket will have its place in the eventual deathmatch museum... right next to W*ING Kanemura's jockstrap. These guys do a pretty poor facsimile of a deathmatch.

11. Light Tube & Carpet Strip Ropes, 4 Corners of Pain: Danny Havoc vs. TJ Phillips - 4

They start out with some chain wrestling and Lou Thesz shits his adult diaper -- oh, wait, he was going to do that anyway? Never mind. While I'm watching this I start listening to the Ian Rotten meltdown on the internet where Mickie Knuckles and J.C. Bailey's dad take him to task and it begs me to ask: why aren't we getting these people some help? Phillips' vocal selling isn't bad but it comes and goes. I wonder if those in attendance that sat through this disaster of an event share some sort of uncommon bond like men who served in war together?


Jessie said...

god damn....feel like i just went on a journey through this review...loved the whole match review of Viper's match...some of your best stuff....has your soul recovered yet?....awesome pic too....can any of those men look at themselves in the mirror this morning and like what they see?

Anonymous said...

You sat through this? You poor, poor guy. This wasn't even a "so bad, it's good" kind of DM tournament. Hellaware and Alsiter Fear are trained; they've both been in the business for a while (Hellaware for at least 6 years, and Fear was in an IWA-MS King of the Deathmatch in 2000), they just really suck. And you're right-Hellaware does have a friendly face-really weird for a deathmatcher.

Adam said...

Just re-read this for the first time since you posted it, some of your finest work. This show sounds absolutely miserable.