Thursday, September 29, 2005

WWF Smack 'Em Whack 'Em Video

The video opens with Lord Alfred Hayes in a dilapidated building. He says he’s here because The Bushwhackers are going to give us some home improvement tips. Oh dear. Cue the morons and here they come. They strap a pair of oversized goggles and a tool belt on good ‘ol Al and stuff a hard hat down on his head. Whatever. Lord Alfred and The Bushwhackers in hard hats? Kill me now. Plus, whose brilliant idea was it to give the Bushwhackers some tools? That person should be fired immediatley!! Anyways, on with the match-ups …

1) Crush vs. The Berzerker - 2
Yeah, I hate Berzerker as much as you do. Crush was okay in his Hawaiian tough-guy gimmick. Pretty much everything you would expect in a match this bad so I won’t go into great detail. As if I really need to, neither man has that great of a work ethic.

We return to the charade that is Bushwhackers Home Improvement and now they’ve got a sledgehammer. Quick! Everybody duck!! One of them puts a hole in the wall. Which one it is I’m not sure because I never gave a shit about them. Next match … pleeeeaaase!

2) Earthquake def. The Repo Man - 2
Rating: 2 – Well, this tape is off to a rolling start. We’re two for two in the crap department. Props for this match because it’s from Dayton and that’s pretty much the only highlight. No one cared, no one attempted to care. Quake sits on Repo. Next!

More Bushwhackers. Alfred gets electrocuted which sadly is the highlight of the tape so far. Time to fast forward … to …

Cooking Tips With Yokozuna and Mr. Fuji
Gene is with Yoko and Fuji at the local Benihana’s. Need I say more?

Bret “Hit Man” Hart Profile
Now we’re talkin! Gorilla is with WWF Champ Bret Hart outside of some unnamed arena-type building. They talk about how he fought to gain the WWF Title and his ladder match with Shawn Michaels while he was still the Intercontinental Champ. Guess what, that segs perfectly into …

Match #3
3) Ladder Match: Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels - 6
For those of you who thought Shawn vs. Razor at WrestleMania X was the first-ever ladder match, think again. This was the first ever ladder match and was actually Bret’s second ladder match as he had competed in one while with Stampede Wrestling up in Calgary. Not the best Bret Hart/Shawn Michaels match ever but not too terrible either. Action starts to heat up and Bret wins? Come on! I definitely was left wanting more out of this one. The shortness of the match brought down the rating somewhat but it’s a recommended match due to historic value and that’s about it.

Gorilla and Bret talk it up again. Banana man (gorilla … banana, get it!) mentions Bret’s tough challenges while defending the WWF Title and Kamala. Aw shit.

4) Bret Hart vs. Kamala - 3
Hey, Kamala gets bumped up from shitty to forgettable. Once again, though, it’s a Kamala match so no one really cared. Thankfully, Kamala did the WWF a favor and jumped to WCW, where no one still cared! That makes this tape 3 for 4 in the crap department.

Back to Gorilla and Bret where the G-Man hypes the upcoming match and gets Bret’s thoughts.

5) Bret Hart vs. Ric Flair - 6
This match was held in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. Savage, Undertaker, and others were not viable championship options at this point so the decision was made to put the title on Hart. The reason they took it off of Flair was because he had been suffering from an equilibrium problem for the past few weeks. So we get Flair vs. Hart for the WWF Title. Should be a good match, right? Wrong. They manuever through an average match and Hart defeats Flair to win the title in his home country and gets a mega-pop from the crowd. I believe that this was the first time that Flair and Hart ever met. Don’t quote me on it. Like I said, an average match and I was expecting lots, lots more from this. Just like the ladder match that was shown earlier, this bout is recommended for historical value only.

We close out with Gorilla and Bret and go back to …

Lord Al and The Bushwhackers. Al is pissed about being electrocuted. Bushwhackers decide to give up electricity for plumbing and drench Al with ice cold water. He gets pissed again and rightfully so and we get …

6) The Undertaker def. Razor Ramon - 3
At this point, I don't care about this because the tape has been so horrid. Razor opens up a can of haul-ass and Undertaker wins by the big C-O.

The Bushwhackers sit Alfred down in front of a TV and and promise him all his favorite matches. Hopefully, for his sake, the matches on this tape aren’t included that group. Thankfully, just like an Ernest Miller match, it’s over.

If this tape cost anything more than what I paid for it I would’ve left it on the shelf. This tape is only recommended for Hart vs. Flair and for the Ladder Match, which also happens to involve Hart. If you have some insane desire to see these matches, then you should own this tape. Otherwise, avoid at all costs.

1 comment:

Jessie said...

you can tell how much we didn\t analyze at this point....your bret v. flair review doesn't tell you a damn thing about the to relive that Lord Al Hayes comedy