Performer Analysis: Lita

Ah, Amy Dumas, what a career you've had. You wrote a book, got on a TV show, won the Women's Title, had a live sex celebration on TV, where do I begin?

1) Innovation- 3/10
When Lita came to the WWF in the late 90's, she was pulling off high spots that no woman had tried... in America, well, since the Jumping Bomb Angels in the late 80's. But, it was something the new generation of viewers had not seen on their wrestling programs. While her style proved her successful for a while, after injuring her neck on Dark Angel (which got canceled right after) she cut that off. Now, she barely climbs to the top.

2) Conditioning- 4/10
At one point, Lita was in great shape, patented that little thong showing out of the pants, you know, and was in great shape. But, since ruining Matt Hardy's life, she let herself fill out and has barely wrestled. And when she has, she hasn't shown any stamina. Not to mention the rumors of her drug use along with Jeff Hardy.

3) Skill- 2/10
Lita, at once, was considered possibly the greatest women's wrestler WWE had ever seen. That is a harsh farce. She executes the same moves in every match, with varying degrees of success every time. You would think you could at least master a few moves you've done over and over again. Hell, she broke her neck doing a hurricanrana, which was one of her signature moves. Her sells are horrible; she usually gets hit and flops to the mat like a writhing fish. Her work is among the worst of the women currently wrestling.

4) Psychology- 2/10
Lita isn't a story teller. I hope her future kids realize this. She gets great heat usually, but her matches are always duds. She can't pull her audience into the match at all. That is a bad sign. She has been in the business at least ten years now, and should be able to pull her own weight. This is not the case.

5) Interviews- 1/10
Worst mic work in WWE, bar none. She doesn't have a good voice, she doesn't have a good vocabulary, and she never has anything to say. Her acting in vignettes has always been atrocious and I don't see it improving in the future. I literally cringe whenever she gets promo time.

6) Character (face/heel) - 6/10
Lita was largely over as a face, and actually could pull off the face in peril role, and her daredevil tactics worked well. As a heel, she is hated, largely due to her real life drama involving Hardy and Edge, but she tries to play the role regardless and has been consistently hated since. Disregarding her match work, she has pulled off both sides questionably well.

7) Basics-2/10-
Whoever trained her should be hiding their face in shame. I've never seen her pull off any basic wrestling skills. Her punches look like flailing arms drowning in the ocean. Her transitions are non-existent. She is incredibly atrocious.

8) Fans- 10/10-
Wow! I can't believe it either. But, even I, an avid Lita detester, have to admit in an unbiased way that the fans do react to her, until she gets in the ring. When she debuted and then with the Hardy's, she was nearly as popular as anyone on the roster. And now, as Edge's sex puppet, she is incredibly despised. As far as playing the roles up, she is still far off, but as a general reaction from a normal fan, she gets tons of heat.

9) Match/ Opponent- 2/10-
Lita hasn't had any memorable feuds except for the one with Trish that has been dragged on for the last two years. They had one stellar match that actually main evented a RAW maybe last year and that kind of work hasn't been seen from her since.

10) Gutcheck-2/10-
Before Lita's injury, I would give her credit for all the bumps she would take. After her injury, she became nearly a cripple. It took her much longer than usual to recover, and after she did come back, she wrestled part time and half assed. Now, her career in ring is nearly invisible. I don't think she has what it takes to be a full time wrestler and is better off semi retired.
Final Rating: 35
Ranking: Jobber
PO: Thumbs Down

OVW TV - 9/30/06

1) Ryan Reeves & Jon Bolen vs. Eddie Craven & Mike Kruel – 3
2) Oleg Prudius vs. Johnny Punch, Devin Driscoll, & The Real McCoy – Handicap Match – 1
3) Charles Evans vs. Gunner Scott – 3
4) Joey Mercury vs. Paul Burchill – 4
5) Elijah Burke vs. Chet the Jet – 4
6) Cody Runnels & Shawn Spears vs. Deuce & Domino – 4

Reeves and Bolen looked decent in the opening tag match. I find it doubtful right now that they would fit in with WWE right now but with some more refinement, they could be a solid team on any of the three main rosters. I don’t really remember much of what happened except that a run-in by former HWA standout Shawn Osborne cost them the match. Prudius failed to impress me for the second week in a row. Apparently his three opponents were the same three people he squashed right in a row last week. I have a strong feeling that Prudius will the next Great Khali because he’s very limited and is terrible on the mic. Evans and Scott had a rather good match, albeit not as good as the match from the previous week. Scott won by count-out after Evans took a hike to retain the TV title in what is building up to be a nice feud. Mercury and Burchill had the match of the night as far as I’m concerned. This was Mercury’s return match following his stint in rehab. I guess OVW is pushing Burchill as one mean bastard because he sure looked like it. He’s also dropped the pirate gimmick, so now he has some credibility. Burke and Chet had another solid match were Burke worked the heel, unlike last week when they worked face against face. The main event featured nothing to me. I don’t know jack squat about these guys. Deuce and Domino haven’t impressed me from what I’ve seen of them as they’re apparently hipsters from the 50s. Runnels and Spears still looked green so I guess you could say the rating was generous. One thing that did amuse me was their play-by-play guy looks like Captain Kangaroo and their color guy looks like Jabba the Hutt. Now that’s quite a combination.

WWF Saturday Night’s Main Event 11/29/86

1. Randy “Macho Man” Savage vs. Jake “The Snake” Roberts – 6
2. Hercules vs. Hulk Hogan – 5
3. “Cowboy” Bob Orton vs. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper – 2
4. Killer Bees vs. Hart Foundation – 4
5. Koko B. Ware vs. Nikolai Volkoff – 3
6. Dick Slater vs. Magnificent Muraco – 2

The opening match pitted two tremendous workers together in a great way to start any show. Jake’s in-ring psychology was unprecedented, and Savage was always a workhorse. Hercules and Hogan wasn’t a technical masterpiece, but the crowd ate it up, and it’s nice to occasionally revisit an old Hogan match during the peak of his initial popularity. Orton and Piper, former friends and teammates, went at it here in a match I was anticipating; unfortunately, it didn’t even last two minutes. Killer Bees and Hart Foundation are two top-notch teams, have had good matches together previously, but that being said, this wasn’t too memorable nor that good. Koko and Volkoff was pretty much a squash for the Russian heel, but Koko was a ball of fire, and a joy to watch, as he seemed to have a tireless energy and ethic that was admirable. Muraco and Slater are two tough dudes, but it was obvious this was a throwaway match. They gave it a couple minutes, basically allowed Slater to get the early offensive, and then the dastardly Muraco got the victory. Apparently, they put the stars on earlier, especially Hogan, so kids could see their favorites before bedtime. I don’t blame ‘em, any kid growing up modeling themselves in their formative years after Dick Slater would be in a world of trouble. The show’s ending credits scrolled by while we were treated to the vocal stylings of Phil Collins.

WWF Royal Rumble 88

The first every Rumble; let's see how it all got started!

1 Rick Rude v. Ricky Steamboat-7- An absolutely fabulous match that never got ahead of itself. Wonderful basic wrestling that showcased both men. When they finally got to even a power slam, it was as if the wrestling world had never seen one. Excellent match until the DQ finish, which nearly ruins great matches like these.

2 Glamour Girls v. Jumping Bomb Angels( 2 of 3 Falls Match)- 6- The Bomb Angels were ahead of the curve in wrestling, not just women's but wrestling in general. The old Glamour's bumped well for them, and played decently nasty heels. The Bomb Angels won the Women's Tag Belts in a very pleasing encounter.

3 20 Man Royal Rumble-5- The match showcased some great wrestlers, including Tito Santana, Bret Hart, Jim Brunzell, and Jake Roberts. They piled into the ring and kept fighting and fighting until one man was left and that man was Hacksaw!? What? Okay, well, he didn't do much to earn it, and the last six guys or so were all big brawny brawlers. I didn't care for much of it past the middle because it turned into a slow punch fest.

4 Islanders v. Young Stallions( Best of 3 Falls Match)- 4- I don't get why two teams, neither of who are the champs are in a 2 of 3 Falls Match, and why it main evented but it fared decently. The Stallions showed some fire and sold their injuries well and the Islanders beat them down unmercilessly. Both teams pulled off their respective roles nicely.

WWF Raw Hits Video

1) Bret Hart vs. The 1-2-3 Kid – 5
2) Shawn Michaels vs. The British Bulldog – 5
3) Lex Luger vs. Tatanka – Steel Cage Match – 4
4) Alundra Blayze vs. Bull Nakano – 5
5) Bret Hart, Bob Holly, & The 1-2-3 Kid vs. Owen Hart, Yokozuna, & Hakushi – 4

This tape opens immediately with the old Monday Night Raw intro and music and is hosted by Stan Lane. All the matches are clipped in some spots to allow them to fit on this hour long tape. Bret and the Kid had a pretty satisfying match. Kid did a nice senton to the floor but overshot Bret by a bit and landed hard. Bret won with the sharpshooter after a very grueling twenty minute encounter. Michaels and Bulldog had a nice little match which could be mainly seen as the quintessential WWF-mid 90’s TV main event. There was some interference by Sid and Michaels bumped big. The cage match with Luger and Tatanka was kept short and pretty simple. Luger won after a big forearm clothesline from the middle rope. The women’s match was highlighted by Nakano hitting a suicide dive and Blayze hitting a German suplex on the floor. Blayze won the title after another nice suplex. The six-man tag wasn’t anything special, although it was pretty neat to see a young Bob Holly mix it up with Yokozuna. I’d mildly recommend this one for the Bret/Kid match and the women’s match, everything else can be skipped.

WWF Royal Rumble ‘88

1. “Ravishing” Rick Rude vs. Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat – 7
2. Jumping Bomb Angels vs. Glamour Girls – 7
3. 20-Man Royal Rumble – 5
4. Islanders vs. Young Stallions – 4

Rude and Steamboat had a really solid match, minus the ending involving the ref bump and false finish. It went pretty long, mostly with the action surrounding Ricky working Rude’s arm. It was a methodical and well-thought out match, the type you’re not likely to see today, and footage the date rapists in the Spirit Squad should be studying. I’m a big Jumping Bomb Angels fans, in fact, they’re one of my favorite tag teams. There was some pretty fantastic back-and-forth style stuff going on here, denying of tags, etc. What really helped give the match the grade I gave it was the totally rad finish, involving the Angels’ doing simultaneous missile dropkicks from the top buckles, and making it look way cooler than when The Rockers would ever attempt it.

The Royal Rumble was significant in that it was the first, but outside of that history lesson, it wasn’t too climatic. There was no overlying story arch, or crowd favorite to really get behind. Bret Hart stayed in a long time, which was a pleasant surprise, and it was nice to see other guys make appearances like Butch Reed and One Man Gang. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan won it all, though, easily one of his career highlights. It featured a ton of bad brawling, per usual; the award for best elimination was Sam Houston, who took a hellacious bump, and the winner for the worst was Ron Bass, who literally took a couple steps and jumped himself over the top rope. The last match was a throwaway tag, built upon Stallion Paul Roma hurting his leg mid-match, and his partner trying to thwart the crazy foreigners from royally fucking his shit up. My personal opinion is the Young Stallions should have got into the porn industry instead of wrestling; they’d have made more money, exploited more people, got more pussy while rocking Aerosmith b-sides, and wouldn’t have retired having only a story of the time Haku headbutted them… really hard.

No Prom Date #1

Here's a collection of matches, randomly watched by me over the last few months that have no cohesive place together, but still have earned a review.

1 Van Hammer v. Joe Cruz (WCW Saturday Night- 1992)- 2

Whatever incompetent idiot that was running WCW that week LOVED this gimmick and wanted to push him to the moon. Well, it must have gotten to the rocker's head because he bounced this fat jobber all over the ring like a bouncy ball you get from a 25 cents machine. It was a fun squash match to watch though because Hammer had no remorse that the guy wasn't making anywhere near the money Hammer was, that he had an ugly mullet AND an ugly moustache, plus the fact he was pale and fat and probably had no dating prospects. I hope no one reads this and thinks I hate all of those qualities in a person; I don't: Van Hammer does.

2 Edge v. Christian (Steel Cage Match; WWF Rebellion '01)- 4

Ah, the Brothers Prim! I remember their feud being built up to pretty well, even though anyone with an IQ higher than a 4 could see it coming (my apologies, Test; I'm sure you saw it coming, too) This match was from a PPV in England and I don't know if they though the fans had bad eye sight or what, but these guys didn't sell a single move like it hurt them. They started in on their "big" bumps, but never showed any pain on their face; they simply hit the ground hard and stayed there. It was like watching the 2 Crash Test Dummies do spots with each other, of course, there's would probably be a lot sicker. And they both looked like rejects from a Cats audition, with their silly, mangy blonde hair.

3 Scotty 2 Hotty v. The Hurricane (WWF Rebellion '01)- 5

I was pleased with this match. It got some decent time and they both seemed willing to do something with it other than flinging boogers back stage at the agent's kids. Hurricane wasn't really trying too hard at the time, I recall, but put effort into a throwaway that probably no one would ever see. I like that.

4 Paul Orndorff v. Ron Garvin (Piledriver Match; SMW Fire on the Mountain '92)- 6

Kudos to you, old veterans. You're very smart; you realized you could go to Smoky Mountain and wrestle, and use your mastery at wrestling psychology to get you through a match rather than bumping your ass off for it; and I have no problem with it. You take a match like this, where all you have to do is hit a move on someone; it's every gimmick match you've ever seen stripped down to it's utmost core, it's most vulnerable, it's most naked. Then, you tease it; you tease that piledriver, you taunt it, you fake it, and then you hit it! You hit it! You finally put that guy's face between your legs, then lift him up, ass in the air, so close you can smell what he Shatner'ed out last night after supper, and you thrust him downwards into the mat. It's a brilliant concept and it's exhilirating. It's the best I've ever had. I mean, seen.

5 Sting v. Meng (WCW Bash at the Beach '95)- 5

This show was held out on a beach somewhere in Florida, where the fans could flock around the ring, with suntan lotion in hand. The ring looked really small when these two got in it and they didn't waste any motion. It was all heavy hands and power moves from then on out. Sting won in a decent lengthed match that didn't lose my attention or enthrall me with amazing athletic skill. Sting did take a hell of a kick from the savage Meng, though. His video package before the match was pretty damn scary too.

6 Austin Aries v. Samoa Joe (ROH Escape from New York '05)- 6

These two had a tremendous run with the ROH World Title over 2005 and they didn't stop there. They went Pure. Oh yeah, that awesome belt that took wrestling by storm. It never added anything different to a match, just hindered it, in my eyes. But, you wouldn't have known it to see this match. They barely had to acknowledge the Pure rules during it. Both guys may be at the top of their game against each other because their moves were crisp, their sequences were exciting and they both seem to get off on clean finishes. That really works for me because I get off on them, too, in ways I'm not going to go into here. It's not the appropriate place. Meet me at Pearl's Diner, in Hamilton, Oh. There. That's an appropriate place.

7 Nigel McGuinness v. Colt Cabana (European Rules)- 4

This match is a novelty. It should only be dusted off occassionally, yet every time I turn around and watch a ROH tape, these two are pulling this old trick. Make no mistake about it; they are both very good at this match, but I really would like something more. If I felt like it all wasn't so rehearsed, maybe I would care more.

8 Chris Carnage v. Cody Hawk (HWA Road to Destiny Online PPV)- 3

Carnage (who has the stereotypical lame indy name) came to the ring with Cricket, a midget dressed like a pimp. I guess instead of a slap, you get a shin kick. Anyways, he faced Cody Hawk, the "HWA icon." Yeah, I'm sure a lot of local indy guys were just searching for some old shit kicker wrestler who became a icon only because he couldn't get out of the territory he was stuck in. Ask Cody Hawk if he'd rather be an HWA icon, or a WWE jobber; if he says he turn down the money, he's a liar and a natural for the wrestling business. The match itself was pretty sloppy, especially the finishing Musclebusters that were so horrendously attempted.

9 D-X/ Ric Flair v. Spirit Squad (WWE Raw- Nov. 27, 2006)- 3

This was another ego trip for D-X, masqueraded as a tribute to Flair, but also a proverbial bullet to the heads of the Spirit Squad, who apparently were shipped to OVW on 3 week delivery. Even the toilet paper and Danny Davis' Depends come quicker than that.

10 Samoa Joe v. Kurt Angle (TNA Genesis)- 6

All you marks out there that couldn't wait to see this match actually believe it is the greatest match of all time, or at least certainly match of the year. I disagree vehemently. This was a good match with elements of a great match squeezed into it. It started off with a brawl, then sick spots outside, then Angle bleeding, then Joe punishing him, then finishers, then near falls, then the predictable ending with Angle tapping out Joe. Now, there's a rematch: I wonder who is going to win? These two men are wrestlers, no matter how Vince Russo will portray them on TV, so they should get to wrestle, with no restrictions or time constraints, or storylines. I ordered that PPV on the basis of a "dream match" because there aren't that many left in the Sports entertainment world, yet I was left with blue balls for a quick squirt of a wonderful, wait a minute, what am I talking about? We were left with a rushed version of the match we all wanted to see. Thanks, TNA and Thanks, Vince Russo, you ignorant horses' ass.