Friday, February 27, 2009

Lance Cade and A-chan vs. Bono-kun and TAJIRI - (HUSTLE 2/19/09) - 3

Bono-kun is legendary sumo star Akebono wearing a pair of Finlay's tights. Cade, fresh from being "future endeavored" by WWE, is here with new, seedy facial hair. Tajiri is also resplendent with his own pussy ticklers, a smattering of gray whiskers that wouldn't even be acceptable on an alley dog you toss your leftover deli sandwich to when going behind the building to take a piss and a Percocite on your fifteen-minute break. Cade and A-chan, who looks like W*ING Kanemura's older brother, dumpy and sporting a graying bowl-cut, are accompanied by a valet that looks like the Japanese equivalent to Ms. Hancock. She's in a tight power suit, mini skirt, glasses, and I can already tell I'll stain the fresh linen tonight in her honor.

Cade is listed as representing the WWE, can't blame them for wanting the rub, and is real vocal, at one point yelling, "This is how we beat people up in Texas", followed by a shitty looking, choreographed punch. So that's how the West was won! Not to be confused with How the West Was Fun, that '94 TV vehicle for the Olsen twins, although it's worth a viewing or six. I miss seeing Tajiri's selling more often, at one point Cade rams him into a knee, Tajiri sells this by jumping as high as he can in the air, spitting his gum out, flattening his body and falling straight down on his back! For an unsightly kneelift, of all things! Bono-kun on the other hand doesn't like leaving his feet, selling one shoulder block by dropping painfully slowly to his knees, then his stomach, in a robotic movement. Cade gets the win in a match that barely lasts five minutes, hitting an elbow drop, wonder if Shawn taught him that one, between dressing each other up in cowboy apparel and riding bareback? I hope Lance in HUSTLE means some Corino vs. Cade bouts, because fuck, those would be ridiculously bad.

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