Sunday, August 19, 2007

TNA Hard Justice 07

Garbage. Let me start out by saying that. Let that set the mood for a worthwhile trip down Rumpke Dump Lane. Hope you're wearing plastic gloves.

1) Black Machismo/"Guru" Sonjay Dutt v. XXX v. Motor City Machineguns- 5

2) Raven v. Frankie Kazarian- 3

3) James Storm v. Rhino- Bar room Brawl- 3

4) VKM v. LAX- 2

5) Black Reign v. Chris Harris- 0

6) Eric Young v. Robert Rood- Ultimate Humiliation Match- 3

7) Team 3-D v. Steiner Brothers- 3

8) Abyss/ Sting/ Andrew Martin v. Christian Cage/ AJ Styles/ Tomko- Doomsday Chamber of Blood- 2

9) Kurt Angle v. Samoa Joe- 3

Machismo can't drop the Randy Savage elbow thus negating the whole gimmick, I don't care how well he can contort his lower lip. He and the Guru were throwing some lousy weak punches throughout the whole match. XXX and the Machine guns both had some good team work, but the majority of this match was spent working Lethal's arm. Towards the end of the match, the pace picked up and we got a great series of nearfalls. The finish was a little unexpected and seemed to kick this thing off in the right direction.

Raven tried to do a springboard drop kick. Need I say more? Yeah, of course I do, or else he would get away with so many crimes against humanity, like bleaching ones' hair until it slowly erodes away and we have to stare at the burned surface of your bald head on a wrestling PPV> but it's not just Raven's baldness I don't like, it's his fat physique and his continued drug use for the last 20 years. He deftly defends himself by not bumping in this match, but Kazarian pulled off a psychotic "frankensteiner" from behind one buckle over to the next side of the ring. He sold his ass off to make Raven's worn out offense look credible- need to take some serious acting lessons for that to come true.

James Storm engages in his 128th crowd brawl in the last 5 years and it doesn't feel any fresher than the last 20 times he did it. The props around the ring were fun, especially Storm selling a shot from a rubber dummy wearing a SWANK Hard Justice Tee. Bet that was flying off the shelf, especially in it's chosen color, sunburst orange. The finish was the same Rhino misses gore through table then gets pinned with heel finisher we've already seen from this bloated toad and I'm tired of the uncreativity flowing from him like his name was Vince Russo, who by the way, can suck my ass.

Kip James wore some blantantly excellent bell bottoms and continues to further push himself into homosexuality just for some attention. How long has this cry for help been going on? Hernandez was null and void for this whole affair, save a burst of energy at the end and Homicide and BG didn't do a lot while in ring together, which consisted of the majority of the match. Restarted match finish and I'm bored.

Dustin Rhodes continues to whore himself out to Vinnie Ru by donning the Goldust getup, this time it's all in black face pain and large garbage bags. This isn't really even a match, even though a DQ decision was rendered in it. Rhodes looked visibly disgusted with himself and im' sure the snapshots taken from this PPV will not be hung in Dakota's room.

Rood v. Young for the 100th time and yet again, settles nothing. I think this was supposed to help Rood get over at first, but now Young smells more like roses to me. He's a competent performer who can hold his own and his punches were on target the whole match, as were his big sells. While I can't say I enjoyed the match, I think with some better competition, Young could do something in TNA>

I love that Rick Steiner has never gotten his tights resized and are stretching the limits of what spandex can hold in. Meanwhile, Bubba's jeans look comfortable. He's only been wearing them for the last 2 years. D-Von dispenses with his shirt rather quickly, opting to show off his oddly distracting man-mammories. Big Poppa Dump is great with accessories and proved that with his goatee chain. All in all, they represented the redneck gay biker population quite well.

This match gets one point shaved off it's score because it was a big match with main event status that should have delivered more and absolutely didn't show up in time. We should be getting free PPV coupons for months, but alas Time Warner and Domino's don't share the same business motto. Let's look at everyone's contributions: Abyss did the least brawling but got the bloodiest. Sting was not ready to work and stayed out of the event for the most part except for his big heat comeback spot. "The Punisher" Andrew Martin absolutely lived up to his moniker by showing up on a TV screen and punishing me for being a wrestling fan. On the Heel side, Tomko was delivering some brutal chair shots throughout the troubled affair. AJ wasn't bumping, so I barely noticed him. And Christian delivered a decent tad pole splash and ran off halfway throught he match. This had some potential but it was squandered.

You would think in a match for all the belts in your promotion, you wouldn't need a secondary angle to sell this thing: but no, let's do a divorce angle and then swerve everybody into thinking it's real, then we'll screw Joe out of the title, the only thing TNA fans have cared about for more than 5 minutes. Angle looked unhealthy and both men, while working snug and executing some good sequences, ran through the same routine match they've already done in the past. As another fellow reviewer once said, and I'm paraphrasing, " I'd rather drink green liquid vomit out of a bull's dick." (AVGN)

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