Wednesday, June 6, 2007

WWF Summerslam 94

This show opened and closed with Leslie Nielsen skits. He was the star of the Naked Gun series, which were quite funny but not on my wrestling programs. They even brought in his sidekick; the old guy from Cool Hand Luke. I’m sure they made more than half the midcard that night. Onto the matches.

1 Headshrinkers v. IRS/ Bam Bam Bigelow- 4

I wasn’t familiar w/ the team of Irrrrrrwin and Bammer until this show, but they worked well enough together. Bam Bam was bumping really great for the Samoans and Irwin just looked like that mean teacher you don’t want to ask a question to. There was some mild interference from the Shrinker’s managers, Afa and Cap’n Lou, that didn’t amount to much, much like the overall match. It didn’t have many near falls or hot tags, which is always a safe guard in a tag match, which lost it points, plus the DQ finish didn’t whet my appetite either.

2 Alundra Blaze v. Bull Nakano- 5

A decently crafted women’s match. Nakano pulled Madusa together like a French braid and stretched her rougher than when she interviewed for WCW w/ Eric Bischoff pretending to be her monster truck. Both women were on point with their strikes and the crowd was into it. But, again, pointless interference from a manager: this time, Luna Vachon. My god, she is getting old. You could tell because the lightning bolts painted on the side of her face were getting wrinkles. An average match.

3 Razor Ramon (w/ Walter Peyton, former Chicago Bear) vs. Diesel (w/ Shawn Michaels, former Playgirl model)- 4

The crowd was hot, as Adam pointed out during the match, and the two guys in the ring certainly didn’t stretch to get them any hotter. I saw the bare minimum of spots in this match. The ones I did see were hard hitting and usually got pops, but I didn’t see much chemistry between the two of them. Plus, Michaels looked like a 1930’s comedian doing prat falls for Peyton. The large mullet/ rat tail he whipped around didn’t paint him as the definition of masculinity either.

4 Tatanka v. Lex Luger- 3

This match was centered on whether Luger was going to sell out to Dibiase; although I think the WBF contractually owned half of his soul ( the other half Satan is keeping, for that little murder he committed on Miss Elizabeth; oh, we all know it!) It was a short match, devoid of that little thing that keeps us interested in wrestling but very few of us realize it’s there- emotion. Luger was throwing punches like he was rolling some dice during a game of Monopoly, but Tatanka’s chops were brutal. The match ended with a quick rollup, then Tatanka pulled the big swerve.

5 Jeff Jarrett v. Mabel- 3

I wasn’t that taken with this match. This was at the time when there were only four or five ppv’s a year, and this is red hot feud was something that had to be put on the show. Mabel missed a big splash and Jarrett threw some shoddy punches. The only thing I did enjoy was him throwing Mabel’s annoying manager into the steel stairs.

6 Bret Hart v. Owen Hart (Steel Cage)- 9

A candidate for a 10, but not quite. I don’t think I’ve seen a better one on one cage match in years, possibly ever. The story was great and very real. Two brothers fighting for every little advantage they could get, clawing, biting, and gnawing for any shot they could get. They were both taking big, painful and realistic bumps that helped build the drama of the match. Plus, the match itself was probably over 30 minutes and they didn’t just sit on their hands the whole time; they worked their asses off. A sensational offering and one of both of their best matches.

7 Undertaker v. “Undertaker”- 2

On the opposite end of the spectrum, this was a hype- filled premature ejaculation of athleticism, using that word extremely loosely, I mean Paris Hilton loosely. There were long pauses in the action; not intentional, just due to not knowing what comes next. The Underfaker was Brian Lee, who was awful in this match. He even fucked up bouncing off the ropes and later both men bumped into each other like students in a crowded high school hallway, then tried to cover it up. And this was your main event? It was more for spectacle, which featured the always over weight Paul Bearer holding a giant flashlight shaped like an urn towards the ceiling. Wow. I’m thrilled. If this was a defective kid’s toy, I’d do a recall on it. If this was a mostly injured sports athlete’s expiring contract, I wouldn’t renew it. And if this was a young kid pitching a script idea for the next Blair Witch movie, I’d punch him in the face and burn his car down to the tires. This was that bad.

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