Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Andre the Giant: Larger than Life

1 Andre v. Moondog Rex- 2
2 18 Man Battle Royal(including, Sg. Slaughter, Adrian Adonis, Dick Murdoch, Big John Studd, Superfly Snuka, Andre, Pat Patterson, Hulk Hogan, Victor Riviera, The Hangman, Salvatore Bellamo, Paul Orndorff, Tiger Chung Lee, Iron Shiek, Alexis Smirnoff, Mil Mascaras, Tito Santana)- 4
3 Andre v. Black Gordman/ Great Goliath- 4
4 Andre v. Jack Evans/ Johnny Rodz/ Joe Butcher Nova- 1
5 Andre v. Gorilla Monsoon (Boxing)- 3
6 Andre/ Superfly Snuka v. The Wild Samoans- 5
7 Andre v. Masked Superstar- 3
8 Andre/ SD Jones v. Big John Studd/ Ken Patera- 3
9 Andre v. Ken Patera- 5
10 Andre v. Big John Studd- 2

The only thing of note against the Moondog was Andre lifting him up by the front of his pants like he were his two year old infant wanting a new toy and crying, pitching a fit. The Battle Royal was fun, as in it was very old school, with tons of great legends in it and people actually paid to see battle royal matches. There were no inventive eliminations, but best bump was given to Smirnoff who looked like a bald guy wearing Russian pajama pants. This handicap match held great interest for me: Goliath was a bumpaholic who looked more like a shaven ape than a hairy human. Andre pulled both men into a squatting position in front of him, as if in a rowboat without the boat, then lifted them into the air and back down on their keisters in one of the most blantantly homo-erotic moves I've ever witnessed.

In the next handicap, Andre tried the same spots (including the gay row boat ride) but with way less success. These guys didn't look like they graduated jobber training school. The boxing match was interesting because they were throwing wrestling punches, not real boxing punches, but I thought Monsoon was a gargantuan beast and he way layed Andre quite a bit. The tag match was probably the best of the night, which featured Snuka getting worked over by a double tough, pre-Carlito afro tag team known across the dark waters of the Pacific as the Wild Samoans( shoe-ins for Hall of Fame this year) Andre shot Snuka off his shoulders for the finish and it was pretty damn cool. Masked Superstar was a joke and the Giant made short work of him, much like his after show 18 cheeseburgers and 36 prostitutes; no wait a minute, I can't even make an after show prostitute joke with Andre- wouldn't it take a Blue Whale's blowhole to find something his dick could fit in? Anyways, next was the infamous Haircut angle that Kurt and Big Show tried to pull off year's later- the match surrounding it lacked, what's the word… action, but Special Delivery tied himself up in a package and took a nasty bump to the outside at one point. Singlely, Andre took it to Patera, whipping him all over the place; Bobby Heenan got involved and worked Andre's face like an underpaid pimp near the end! He literally beat his ass to the ground with shots to the face! Insane. The last match was the classic bodyslam match from Wrestlemania 1, this time redubbed with Tazz and Michael Cole's expert analysis on the match.

Tazz- "Not for nothing, these guys are huge, man, hahahaha, not for nothing, Cole is gay." Cole- "Well, Tazz, this is a classic match between two Hall of Famers and if I'm gay, you're short. Hahahahaha!"
Ridiculous banter ensues as Andre give away all the money.

(Editor's Note: This is Jessie’s 100th contribution to Never Hand Over! We’ve been watching wrestling together for nearly two decades. I can’t wait until we immerse ourselves in hours of Disorderly Conduct matches this summer.)

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