Sunday, September 29, 2013

ACW Presents "Wrestling's Wildest Matches"

In certain circles, this is also known as “The Best of Freddie Valentine”.

1. Barbed Wire Match: Mando Guerrero vs. Freddie Valentine - 2

I’m guessing this is from somwhere in SoCal as the venue looks very similar to the PWG home base. Valentine in his street clothes looked like a guy venturing into the local watering hole for a cold Budweiser after a hard day of stringing high voltage electrical lines in the city. This isn’t the no rope variety of a barbed wire match, instead there is just wire strung over the existing ropes. Somehow during this melee, Mando got busted open. How? I’m not sure as the barbed wire spots were terrible. Awesome moment where Valentine hit a weak ass chair shot, then tossed the chair to Mando, who then proceeded to dropkick said chair really damn hard right into Valentine’s ugly mug. The big snap suplex spot was good in theory but lacked in execution as both guys were way out of position. I would tell you what happened at the finish but I can’t because the cameraman completely missed it.

2. Japanese Suicide Match: Krayz vs. Freddie Valentine - 2

I have no earthly idea what a “Japanese Suicide Match” is but somehow I’m guessing it doesn’t involve any sort of Kamikaze battle plans. Crayz is a goth/grunge/metalhead gentleman from Waco, Texas, sporting a Cannibal Corpse t-shit, torn jean shorts, and long, greasy black hair that looks as if is hasn’t been washed in months. Judging by the set-up they have going on, I guess the gimmick for this is that electrified barbed wire boards are set up in each corner. The only real highlights were Krayz taking a drop toe-hold into some barbed wire and Valentine doing a pretty awesome bump right into a board which starts a small fire after the light explodes upon impact. Afterwards, Valentine assaults the ring announcer and some referees. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he was booking this fed.

3. Barbwire Exploding Tables Match: Freddie Valentine vs. Cincinnati Red - 3

As a kid in the mid 90s, I remember seeing Cincinnati Red’s name pop-up in the results of the Apter mags from time to time and I always wondered who he was and if he dressed like a Reds baseball player. Alas, that is not the case. There is certainly nothing red about him aside from his hair and I somehow doubt that he’s from Cincinnati, let alone even driven through it. I fear bullshit when a match claims “exploding barbed wire tables”, but here there was no bullshit as a table “exploded” after Red took a Flair bump off the top rope, and when I say “exploded”, I really mean a shit ton of sparks flew out, but a cool visual nonetheless. Second table bump wasn’t as epic and nothing even attempted to explode. I’m guessing perhaps they forgot to plug it in? Finish was really stupid with Valentine KO’ing the referee, then pinning Red after hitting him with brass knuckles. Then we get a referee dressed exactly as The Gimp from Pulp Ficton who can’t count past two and eventually gives Valentine a Diamond Cutter allowing Red to get the win. That seemed pointless.

4. Electrified Fence Match: Freddie Valentine vs. Shane 54 - 2

Really, another Valentine match? I have a feeling that he probably compiled this tape himself. Shane looks like a backyard dude who just graduated from the dojo and is wrestling the booker to get a spot on the roster. This was dumber than the electrified cage match that TNA did back in ’07. The fence is not electrified, sparks simply fly out whenever someone hits it, and these “high voltage” sound effects (for lack of a better term) are ridiculous. More stupidity ensues as Shane decides it would be a good idea to light Valentine’s forearms on fire, however this strategy backfires as the flames go out rather quickly. I thought the finish to the last match was stupid but this one has it beat by a mile. Valentine issues a legdrop to Shane, gives the ref two Diamond Cutters, and then, realizing that he was an idiot for knocking out the ref, has to count the fall himself using the refs hand. Puke.

5. Texas Rattlesnake Match: Freddie Valentine vs. Krayz - 2

This is going to be absurd. In order to win, you have to climb a ladder to grab a key that will open a cage containing two real, live (and very pissed off) rattlesnakes and the title belt. The first person to retrieve the belt from the snake cage, wins (or loses depending on your view of things). I should note that the crowd completely shits themselves when the handler pulls out the snakes. Could somebody please tell me why the referee hit Krayz with a bunch of chair shots right at the beginning? I’ve given up trying to understand anything that’s happening in this fed. Not much to cover except for the two major bumps. First, Valentine tries walking on a table and Krayz just trips him up causing Valentine to crash through the table. Next, Krayz took this wild ass bump off a ladder to the floor at the end and just sold it like death, as in he didn’t move an inch afterward. Valentine opened the cage and used the snake handler’s stick to pull out the belt. And here I thought you were supposed to actually reach in the cage and grab the belt. I feel like Russo is booking this shit.

6. Terry Funk & Freddie Valentine vs. Mando Guerrero & Cincinnati Red - 3

Sixth and final match, thank God. By this point if you’ve seen one Freddie Valentine match, you’ve seen them all. Funk was the star of this match, destroying Red with some chair shots, piledriving him onto a broken table, and brawling outside the building. Mando’s highlight was hammering Funk dozens of times like a railroad spike with a Rubbermaid trash can. Valentine’s chair shots were so weak they couldn’t harm a first grader. This started with some semblance of order but very quickly broke down into a meandering, directionless brawl with, of course, Valentine and Funk going over in the end. Bonus point here just for Terry Funk being involved.

No comments: