Thursday, December 17, 2009

Best of Deathmatch Wrestling: Mexican Hardcore

Shadier than a late-night Tijuana laundromat, dirtier than a Guadalajara public restroom, and harder to sit through than Ace Ventura 2, it’s Mexican deathmatch wrestling!! Grab some tacos and an ice cold cerveza, it’s time to head south of the border. This should be interesting …

1) Princess Sugey vs. LuFisto – 2
I need to make mention first that the DVD commentary is done by Kris Kloss and Larry Rivera, formerly the XPW announce team. Rivera’s Spanish accent is so thick that he’s hard to understand half the time. Also, there is heavy metal music dubbed in underneath the commentary that totally takes away the sounds of the match. Just a bad idea. LuFisto takes a hellacious ass-beating. Sugey dropkicks a cookie sheet into her face while she’s tied up in the tree of woe. That’s followed up by a crowd brawl out amongst a sea of outdated WWF Steve Austin tees and plastic patio chairs sponsored by the local beer joint. Two sections of ropes are wrapped in barbed wire for no apparent reason. Sugey suplexed LuFisto into them in about the only moment in the match where the barbed wire came into play. LuFisto sold a shot to the head only to have Sugey climb onto the top buckle and get shoved off into a light tube. A Michinoku Driver-esque move finishes it for LuFisto. Pretty terrible match to start this DVD. Hopefully things will get better.

2) Xtreme Tiger vs. Crazy Boy – 3
This started off good with Tiger hitting a couple highspots including a legdrop from the top rope while his opponent was dangling through the ropes, not unlike the other thing he would dangle in front of the street whore with a hairlip for a few pesos later that night. The hardcore aspect of this really hurt the match as I thought it could’ve been better without all the paraphernalia. Crazy Boy got hurracanranaed through a table in a typical cruiserweight hardcore spot. Interesting spot where Tiger was supposed to get suplexed off the top rope through a table but Crazy Boy overshot everything, clipped the table with his back, and had the table along with Tiger topple on him. The editing on this match sucked. It seemed like everything 10-15 seconds they would cut to a replay, thus cutting off a portion of the match. This ridiculous editing continued throughout the DVD. Crazy Boy missed a moonsault with some light tube conconction which led to interference galore from a bunch of random people. Tiger hit a 450 splash through a table and was declared the winner by a bunch of people because the referee totally bailed about halfway through.

3) Joe Lider & Crazy Boy vs. Xtreme Tiger & Psicosis vs. Damien 666 & Halloween – 1
In the beginning, this had some semblance of order but it quickly went to shit with everyone just fighting each other and the referee just standing there with his hands in his pockets. There were too many people whacking other people with light tubes and other assorted items to keep track. Damien looks like a dirty trucker with his greasy hair and black wardrobe. Psicosis attempted a sunset flip on Damien but lost his grip and crashed through a table. The exact same spot from Crazy Boy missing the moonsault with the light tube contraption. I really don’t think that there is a ref whatsoever in this match. A very spotty double flip move from Lider and Crazy Boy on Xtreme Tiger off the top rope through a bunch of light tubes ends this.

4) Nightmare vs. Dralion – Table Match – 2
The rules were never actually explained but I would assume that it means that tables are legal but judging by what I’ve seen thus far, who knows. Dralion hit a twisting splash through a table two minutes in. The table spots in this match seem to have no rhyme or reason. Dralion is reversed on a whip a pushes himself over the top rope by using the second buckle as a springboard. Nightmare then dives over the top onto him. What is this, some kind of stunt show? Dralion tries a moonsault through a table but the table doesn’t break and Nightmare and the table crash onto him. The finish to this sucked as both guys got legitimately hurt. Dralion tried a running springboard splash onto Nightmare who was on a table on the outside. The table was either too far away or he lost his balance, regardless he hit the ground face first very hard in a giant botch that I laughed at uproariously and rewound at least five times. Afterwards, Nightmare tried to do a legdrop off the apron but landed at the wrong angle and messed up his knee which caused the medics to stop the match.

5) Crazy Boy & Joe Lider vs. Xtreme Tiger & Super Crazy – 2
This sounded good on paper but pretty much failed on all accounts. Crazy and Lider stuck primarily to the basics of the match while Tiger and Crazy Boy brawled and hit each other with assorted weaponry. Super Crazy gave Lider a tarantula submission on a section of the barbed wire section of the ropes. Tags are apparently not necessary as it’s pretty apparent that it’s every man for himself, kind of like a border crossing in the dead of the night. Crazy Boy and Tiger exchange some flaming light tube shots that the announcer compared to Luke and Darth Vader battling with lightsabers. Lider did a shitty legdrop off a ladder that looked like it was pulled off a van somewhere. Tiger, who has pretty much the same spotty offense that Sabu did during his peak in ECW, did something actually worthwhile, a decent 450 splash to the outside on Crazy Boy. Super Crazy and Lider had a nice back-and-forth exchange to end the match. Would’ve been good if it hadn’t’ve had the hardcore shit.

6) Supreme & Angel vs. Damien 666 & Halloween – Death Match – 4
Light tubes are strapped to the ropes in this one. Damien and Halloween look much better than they did in the three way tag. Angel in wrestling in pink pajamas. Supreme bled a ton and brawled with Damien into a dimly lit storage room of some sort. Halloween stiff the shit out of Angel with some serious light tube shots. The crowd is the most excited they’ve been the entire DVD. Supreme was shoved face first into some thumbtacks. Moments later, he put Damien through a barbed wire table. A double stack of tables didn’t bode well for Angel as security and Halloween had to place him on the top table. Halloween did a swan dive that almost missed. Damien suplexed Supreme on a pile of barbed wire, chairs, and light tubes for the win. A fun match because Damien and Halloween just whipped the shit out of Supreme and Angel. Best match on the DVD.

7) LuFisto vs. Joe Lider – Lighting Match – 3
I’m not sure what a lighting match is but it sounds like something that might come out of the Home Depot electrical section. Lider hasn’t really done much for me on this DVD so far so let’s see if he impresses me here. These two wailed on each other for a good while. Lider dropkicked some light tubes into LuFisto’s vaginal area. I bet it’ll be painful when she has kids. There was a pretty predictable spot where LuFisto was whipped to the corner, but she stopped, and then hip tossed Lider into the tubes. Lider tried a somersault onto the floor but landed back first very hard. LuFisto executes a neck snap and the announcer compares her to Curt Hennig. Fuck this dude, why the hell would you name drop Curt Hennig in the middle of a shitty central Mexico death match? Crazy finishing spot where Lider breaks out a flipping Rock Bottom off the apron through a bunch of light tubes. This was pretty good for a garbage match but nothing to totally recommend.

8) Damien 666 & Dragon Shiru vs. Crazy Boy & Joe Lider – 3
This is turning into a “best of Joe Lider” disc, which isn’t exactly something I really wanted to see. Halloween comes out with Damien and Shiru but gets ejected, thus forcing Damien and Shiru to team up. This arena is really awkward. There is a car parked in the background behind the crowd and I saw a brief glimpse of a busy street as Halloween was getting hauled to the back. Damien drags Lider through the crowd just so he can throw him into a giant piece of wood. Shiru didn’t show much in the match and at times seemed a bit tenative. Lots of very hard shots to the head with a trash can lid all around. Crazy Boy moonsaults off a brick wall in a pretty sick spot. Lider busts out a crazy spot where he tombstones Shiru through a plastic patio chair and is immediately followed up by a double team top rope spot. Damien breaks the nearfall attempt and we get interference from dudes that I don’t know that get Lider and Crazy Boy the victory. Afterwards, Halloween returns and cleans house by hitting spears better than Edge or Lashley could ever dream of on all members of the interfering party as the announcers sign off. This DVD needs to be deported.

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