1) Rockers vs. Orient Express - B:5 J:6
Brian: Jessie had previously reviewed this, giving it a "7", and making the bold proclamation that the Rockers were "possibly (the) best team of (the) 90's". I dig the enthusiasm Jessie, being a modern day Dean Moriarty (Yes! Yes!) myself, but I think you drank some of Michaels' Kool-Aid, and it wasn't the Aspartame-laced Splenda that played games with your mind, but likely some sort of intoxicant Shawn typically uses on girls at bars and not wrestling journalists like yourself.
This was a real fun opener, got the Miami crowd pretty hot, not in physical terms, I'm sure they were already out earlier getting radiation poisoning by jet-skiing their dicks into dolphins or whatever people in sunny southern Florida do. I dug Michaels' bump to the floor, but Jannetty looked a step off, probably from the horse-grade tranquilizer Shawn shot into his bare ass pre-show.
There's something to be said on a deeper, more metaphorical, pop culture, bullshit way here, too. The Orient Express are in bright red, the Rockers in blue, and I believe there's something to be said about these contrasting primary colors (by the way, my favorite of the additive colors from Goethe's wheel is magenta). Red and blue, battling on opposite sides of the battlefield, this was a trope, or common theme, in a lot of the pop culture imagery my generation grew up with. A good example would be in the animated series G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero, where you could distinguish between the good and bad guys' laser fire as they were distinctively either blue or red.
Back to wrestling, not a bad effort, certainly not worthy of a "7" though, my fellow Steve Simpson connoisseur, but harmless enough. I think the Express could have engaged the crowd a bit more through heel tactics.
Jessie: And I thought that spritzer I was administered was the H1N1 innoculation; should have realized something was up when the nurse was wearing a Camo Cowboy hat and had a lazy eye. Regardless, I still have to recommend this overall, and being my favorite thing on the show. While not as fresh upon a second glance, there was still a ton that still worked in this match, more than I can say about our re-introduction of civilization to Iraq. The long Orients control sections never got boring and had several highspots to tickle your taint, such as a Tanaka forearm and the athleticism here toppled most everything else presented on this raucous Miami night, where most assuredly horse tranquilizers and bestial, unprotected, mind you, sex with dolphins was certainly on the agenda.
2) Barbarian vs. Big Bossman - J:5 B:4
Jessie: So HHH is totally a wrestling fanboy because he jocked Barbarian's early 90's Nordic ring gear during his "Conan" ring entrance at Mania a few years back. This was fun in the way watching huge Bulls spear matadors in Spanish bull fights because both of these guys just came full charge at each other. Bossman was selling very realistically early, snapping his head back from punches like he just ingested Pop Rocks & a Coke at the same time. Bossman was leading the charge, pace wise, and Barbarian was laboriously breathing heavy early on but managed to pull through. He was very comfortable on the top rope, hitting a clothesline that could have taken down an African Elephant. Interesting finish led to a surprising pinfall but this was one of the more solid offerings on the show. Or as the great wordsmith I did my Master Thesis on in College would say, "Totally Tubular!"
Brian: Being an obnoxiously loyal Powers of Pain fan, I was going into this with high hopes, especially since the year prior Bossman got a really good match out of Jim Duggan. Jessie sufficiently covered the details, I'll just say, I typically enjoy longer matches, but this was a case where a they could have saved face by shaving off a couple minutes. I also would have preferred a few more "let's just punch each other in the nose!" sections.
3) Sgt. Slaughter vs. Ultimate Warrior - B:3 J:3
Brian: I'd be remiss and negligent to not at least briefly mention an interview earlier in the evening where Sherri Martel feigned going down on Warrior in attempt at getting a title shot for Randy Savage out of him. It was doubly uncomfortable as I think Gene Okerlund was getting aroused holding a mic to Sherri's lips while she knelt in-front of Warrior's throbbing, steroid-injected fuck missile.
This left a bad taste in my mouth unlike Brittany Murphy's death. Too soon? It seemed fairly obvious Slaughter's answer to the Warrior puzzle, i.e. how to work around his lack of skill, and that was by applying soul-drainingly dull holds. Savage's two interference spots were pure dynamite, bringing a sense of explosiveness that was sorely lacking to the proceedings, but even that couldn't jump-start this Brussels sprout fart into anything recommendable. Even though Slaughter was getting a huge, controversial win, he seemed unmotivated and distracted. Maybe he was tired of the late night death threats and political cartoons depicting him giving Saddam Hussain fellatio.
Jessie: The acting invovled to pull off that interview segment was astounding beyond words, i mean move over Welles and turn Xanadu into a parking lot. Sherri was plenty engaged in fondling Warrior's sweaty glistening gas filled physique as he growled in anticipation of his climax. I thought Mean Gene was going to pop a blood vessel or Warrior was going to blow a vein and shoot nasty pus out of it like the dinner scene from Troll 2. Brit Murphy, too soon? Hell, i say not soon enough!
This totally was a Scud Missile. Slaughter took the safe road and navigated Warrior through a series of slow moving rope spots and wear down holds that showed record sales at the merch booth and the 3rd floor bathroom for smack and Saba Simba pencil cases. Savage got off easy tonight with no Rumble appearance but his zany attacks were always the highlight of this match. Slaughter marched from the arena holding the belt high while I felt a significant load in my pants that i removed, stuffed in a cardboard box, and labeled "Slaughter v. Warrior." I can even label it guaranteed, I have extra time.
4) The Mountie vs. Koko B. Ware - J:2 B:2
Jessie: This was the messy diaper of the show. Koko had tons of energy, per the norm for him, but Mountie just looked like an inept goof and had the physical features of Doby from Harry Potter fame. 2 highlights were Koko's sound dropkick and a really spirited bump from the Birdman over the top rope. It's when you see little touches like that where it feels all worthwhile to study this sport. Ware was in a transition when the spot came, so he didn't really need to go balls out but he did and it got big heat from a crowd totally deflated by the previous match. Mountie seriously must have had men's balls on his mind because Koko had to readjust after Mountie missed his cue to go to the finish, which ended up being a forceful head slam to the mat, which he did with the force it would take to subdue a child's stuffed animal.
Brian: I dig Ware, who looked truly tits here, even making Mountie's subpar offense look credible and devastating. Mountie, on the other hand, delivered an eyesore of a performance. As one-half of the Fabulous Rougeau Brothers, Jacques usually looked moderately good, but here he looked pathetic. Anybody that's got a game Koko primed to bump for them and still can't put together anything tantalizing needs to quit the business and take up gardening.
5) Dusty and Dustin Rhodes v. Ted DiBiase and Virgil - B:3 J:3
Brian: Like a lot of these early Royal Rumble undercard bouts, this was heavy on the story, light on in-ring quality. I will say this: DiBiase was the glue that held this popsicle stick cabin together. I never really found Ted as a guy who worked particularly stiff or snug, but I'll be damned, he had a couple moments of Hansen-like brutality shine through in this one. Dustin worked face in peril, not very convincingly, and by this point Dusty was good for little else than being the brunt of sophomoric, college bulletin board humor about the discolored blotch on his belly or a forehead that looked like Grand Central Station. The ending was quite odd, as DiBiase kicked Virgil to the curb, leaving him you'd assume to get beaten by his two opponents, right? Nope. He dispatched of Virgil like a 2nd St. transvestite hooker and then beat the Rhodes' single-handily. A good night for DiBiase, a bad night for trivial, middling, overbooked filler.
Jessie: If the color Magenta could talk, it would be mortified it adorned Virgil's ass cheeks after this performance. Strangely, he and Dustin worked most of this match and it was as awkward as finding a sex tape of your grandma and your dad screwing in your bedroom on top of your Nickelback poster. Dibiase was as precise as Snake Eyes with a blade or Gordon Ramsey with a fun Brit insult. He was the only redeeming quality here. Dusty could have melted into a pile of his own butter soaked skin in the middle of the ring with a "Help!" sign held up like Wile E Coyote and even then I couldn't have been less interested. It's hard to believe the Rhodes boys ever came back after their complete burial here, but money talks especially when there's always more chaps to buy.
6) Royal Rumble Match - J:5 B:5
Jessie: If there's one thing that I do generally love about this sport, it has to be the annual grandiose battle royal called the Royal Rumble. To the backstage writers, it's a chance to jumpstart or stop all the major Mania programs in one big package. To me, as I was discussing this with Brian, it's one long punchfest that never fails to entertain. It's hard to get the match wrong, even though they have succeeded in the past. This one had it's share of potatoes to be sure, from the likes of Von Erich, Valentine, hell even Hulk was dishing out some spuds to various lower card heel monsters. While the match had that engaging Rumble formula down, there wasn't any major moments that would stick in your crawl for years on end, just a lot of hardworkers throwing right hand after right hand. Martel and Valentine lasted quite a while in this one, i'd say nearly 40 mins. apiece and it was fun to get to see them in this environment for that long. Best elimination has to go to Crush from Demolition, he was tossed by Hulk while trying the 10 punches routine but instead of just falling down to his ample backside on the apron then touching the floor, he throws himself all the way over the other side of the pole and hits viciously on the apron then collapsing in a heap on the ground. Exquisite. The end was a big letdown though, another Hogan ego stroke, as he was left in with the Quake and Nasty boy Knobs, who if anyone has watched his reality show, knows that was Hulk's boy ( who desperatley wanted to touch Brooke's naughty places) But I walk away satisified enough with the results. Brian, it's been too long since we've shared a piece of prose, (or for that matter a plate of sushi!) but it's good to be back.
Brian: Some works of art are meant to be relived over and over again, such as the album "Clarity" by Jimmy Eat World, or groundbreaking films like "Pierrot le fou" or "House Party 2: The Pajama Jam!". A really transcendent wrestling match can have the same effect, but I fear there's a misconception with the Royal Rumbles matches, as upon revisiting many of them, it appears blind nostalgia gets the best of most fans as many of these overblown bouts are as nourishing as cleaning a cat's liter box with your asshole and eating it for brunch. I'll let you figure out the logistics of that one as I ruminate momentarily on Crush's elimination and subsequent lobotomy on the ring apron. Jessie admirably tackled the bulk of the match, so, allow me to just chime in with my likes and dislikes. I dug that, for the bulk of it, there was a lot of guys in the ring at the same time, instead of some years where one guy will arrive and clear the ring of a bunch of people real quickly. This allowed for all sorts of weird encounters, I mean, who'd have believed Shane Douglas ever worked over Undertaker in a McMahon-owned ring? The surreal moment of the night goes to Bushwhacker Luke, who got eliminated in a record setting four seconds, then nonchalantly marched like a stunted man-child back to the locker room as if oblivious to his complete and utter failure. I also have to mention Hawk, who came to the ring like a fucking raging, testosterone-feuled junkie with arms made of dragon dicks swinging wildly and drilling anyone dumb enough to get in his way. I'm with Jessie, while I'm pretty indifferent towards the Hogan cultural phenomenon, this ending was downright awful as there was no chance in hell we believed either Earthquake or Knobbs had slither of a chance of winning this. Overall, a somewhat forgettable Rumble match, if Paul Roma was one of its workhorses that should tell you something. Jessie, always a pleasure, hit me up, I've got the commercial DVD release of Royal Rumble '00 sitting among a pile of back issues of Ebony in my basement that we could fire up the projector and screen any time we feel so inclined.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
ROH on HDNet 12/07/09
1. Briscoe Bros. vs. Kevin Steen and El Generico – 5
2. Roderick Strong vs. Kenny Omega vs. Davey Richards vs. Austin Aries - 4
In a match determining the number one contenders these two teams, who have worked each other endlessly, managed to still create a captivating story. It was more fundamental, didn’t get overdone and wander off into overkill territory, focusing more on team dynamics and strategy. The Briscoe Bros. always look like they’re fighting for everything, and it really shows on their faces, in moments like toothless screams and anguished contorting. The match felt snug and was satisfying.
The main event utilized several familiar tropes, most notably the heel lying low, jumping in at the most opportune moment and seizing an undeserved victory. Some of Omega’s offense seems about as sincere as one of our ex-writer’s attempts at getting his girlfriend to stop crying during threesomes. Roderick had one humorlessly bad dive to the floor. The only section that really captivated me was a fiery strike exchange between Richards and Strong. It never felt like a high-end main event a la most of the ones on their DVD releases.
2. Roderick Strong vs. Kenny Omega vs. Davey Richards vs. Austin Aries - 4
In a match determining the number one contenders these two teams, who have worked each other endlessly, managed to still create a captivating story. It was more fundamental, didn’t get overdone and wander off into overkill territory, focusing more on team dynamics and strategy. The Briscoe Bros. always look like they’re fighting for everything, and it really shows on their faces, in moments like toothless screams and anguished contorting. The match felt snug and was satisfying.
The main event utilized several familiar tropes, most notably the heel lying low, jumping in at the most opportune moment and seizing an undeserved victory. Some of Omega’s offense seems about as sincere as one of our ex-writer’s attempts at getting his girlfriend to stop crying during threesomes. Roderick had one humorlessly bad dive to the floor. The only section that really captivated me was a fiery strike exchange between Richards and Strong. It never felt like a high-end main event a la most of the ones on their DVD releases.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Best of Deathmatch Wrestling: Mexican Hardcore
Shadier than a late-night Tijuana laundromat, dirtier than a Guadalajara public restroom, and harder to sit through than Ace Ventura 2, it’s Mexican deathmatch wrestling!! Grab some tacos and an ice cold cerveza, it’s time to head south of the border. This should be interesting …
1) Princess Sugey vs. LuFisto – 2
I need to make mention first that the DVD commentary is done by Kris Kloss and Larry Rivera, formerly the XPW announce team. Rivera’s Spanish accent is so thick that he’s hard to understand half the time. Also, there is heavy metal music dubbed in underneath the commentary that totally takes away the sounds of the match. Just a bad idea. LuFisto takes a hellacious ass-beating. Sugey dropkicks a cookie sheet into her face while she’s tied up in the tree of woe. That’s followed up by a crowd brawl out amongst a sea of outdated WWF Steve Austin tees and plastic patio chairs sponsored by the local beer joint. Two sections of ropes are wrapped in barbed wire for no apparent reason. Sugey suplexed LuFisto into them in about the only moment in the match where the barbed wire came into play. LuFisto sold a shot to the head only to have Sugey climb onto the top buckle and get shoved off into a light tube. A Michinoku Driver-esque move finishes it for LuFisto. Pretty terrible match to start this DVD. Hopefully things will get better.
2) Xtreme Tiger vs. Crazy Boy – 3
This started off good with Tiger hitting a couple highspots including a legdrop from the top rope while his opponent was dangling through the ropes, not unlike the other thing he would dangle in front of the street whore with a hairlip for a few pesos later that night. The hardcore aspect of this really hurt the match as I thought it could’ve been better without all the paraphernalia. Crazy Boy got hurracanranaed through a table in a typical cruiserweight hardcore spot. Interesting spot where Tiger was supposed to get suplexed off the top rope through a table but Crazy Boy overshot everything, clipped the table with his back, and had the table along with Tiger topple on him. The editing on this match sucked. It seemed like everything 10-15 seconds they would cut to a replay, thus cutting off a portion of the match. This ridiculous editing continued throughout the DVD. Crazy Boy missed a moonsault with some light tube conconction which led to interference galore from a bunch of random people. Tiger hit a 450 splash through a table and was declared the winner by a bunch of people because the referee totally bailed about halfway through.
3) Joe Lider & Crazy Boy vs. Xtreme Tiger & Psicosis vs. Damien 666 & Halloween – 1
In the beginning, this had some semblance of order but it quickly went to shit with everyone just fighting each other and the referee just standing there with his hands in his pockets. There were too many people whacking other people with light tubes and other assorted items to keep track. Damien looks like a dirty trucker with his greasy hair and black wardrobe. Psicosis attempted a sunset flip on Damien but lost his grip and crashed through a table. The exact same spot from Crazy Boy missing the moonsault with the light tube contraption. I really don’t think that there is a ref whatsoever in this match. A very spotty double flip move from Lider and Crazy Boy on Xtreme Tiger off the top rope through a bunch of light tubes ends this.
4) Nightmare vs. Dralion – Table Match – 2
The rules were never actually explained but I would assume that it means that tables are legal but judging by what I’ve seen thus far, who knows. Dralion hit a twisting splash through a table two minutes in. The table spots in this match seem to have no rhyme or reason. Dralion is reversed on a whip a pushes himself over the top rope by using the second buckle as a springboard. Nightmare then dives over the top onto him. What is this, some kind of stunt show? Dralion tries a moonsault through a table but the table doesn’t break and Nightmare and the table crash onto him. The finish to this sucked as both guys got legitimately hurt. Dralion tried a running springboard splash onto Nightmare who was on a table on the outside. The table was either too far away or he lost his balance, regardless he hit the ground face first very hard in a giant botch that I laughed at uproariously and rewound at least five times. Afterwards, Nightmare tried to do a legdrop off the apron but landed at the wrong angle and messed up his knee which caused the medics to stop the match.
5) Crazy Boy & Joe Lider vs. Xtreme Tiger & Super Crazy – 2
This sounded good on paper but pretty much failed on all accounts. Crazy and Lider stuck primarily to the basics of the match while Tiger and Crazy Boy brawled and hit each other with assorted weaponry. Super Crazy gave Lider a tarantula submission on a section of the barbed wire section of the ropes. Tags are apparently not necessary as it’s pretty apparent that it’s every man for himself, kind of like a border crossing in the dead of the night. Crazy Boy and Tiger exchange some flaming light tube shots that the announcer compared to Luke and Darth Vader battling with lightsabers. Lider did a shitty legdrop off a ladder that looked like it was pulled off a van somewhere. Tiger, who has pretty much the same spotty offense that Sabu did during his peak in ECW, did something actually worthwhile, a decent 450 splash to the outside on Crazy Boy. Super Crazy and Lider had a nice back-and-forth exchange to end the match. Would’ve been good if it hadn’t’ve had the hardcore shit.
6) Supreme & Angel vs. Damien 666 & Halloween – Death Match – 4
Light tubes are strapped to the ropes in this one. Damien and Halloween look much better than they did in the three way tag. Angel in wrestling in pink pajamas. Supreme bled a ton and brawled with Damien into a dimly lit storage room of some sort. Halloween stiff the shit out of Angel with some serious light tube shots. The crowd is the most excited they’ve been the entire DVD. Supreme was shoved face first into some thumbtacks. Moments later, he put Damien through a barbed wire table. A double stack of tables didn’t bode well for Angel as security and Halloween had to place him on the top table. Halloween did a swan dive that almost missed. Damien suplexed Supreme on a pile of barbed wire, chairs, and light tubes for the win. A fun match because Damien and Halloween just whipped the shit out of Supreme and Angel. Best match on the DVD.
7) LuFisto vs. Joe Lider – Lighting Match – 3
I’m not sure what a lighting match is but it sounds like something that might come out of the Home Depot electrical section. Lider hasn’t really done much for me on this DVD so far so let’s see if he impresses me here. These two wailed on each other for a good while. Lider dropkicked some light tubes into LuFisto’s vaginal area. I bet it’ll be painful when she has kids. There was a pretty predictable spot where LuFisto was whipped to the corner, but she stopped, and then hip tossed Lider into the tubes. Lider tried a somersault onto the floor but landed back first very hard. LuFisto executes a neck snap and the announcer compares her to Curt Hennig. Fuck this dude, why the hell would you name drop Curt Hennig in the middle of a shitty central Mexico death match? Crazy finishing spot where Lider breaks out a flipping Rock Bottom off the apron through a bunch of light tubes. This was pretty good for a garbage match but nothing to totally recommend.
8) Damien 666 & Dragon Shiru vs. Crazy Boy & Joe Lider – 3
This is turning into a “best of Joe Lider” disc, which isn’t exactly something I really wanted to see. Halloween comes out with Damien and Shiru but gets ejected, thus forcing Damien and Shiru to team up. This arena is really awkward. There is a car parked in the background behind the crowd and I saw a brief glimpse of a busy street as Halloween was getting hauled to the back. Damien drags Lider through the crowd just so he can throw him into a giant piece of wood. Shiru didn’t show much in the match and at times seemed a bit tenative. Lots of very hard shots to the head with a trash can lid all around. Crazy Boy moonsaults off a brick wall in a pretty sick spot. Lider busts out a crazy spot where he tombstones Shiru through a plastic patio chair and is immediately followed up by a double team top rope spot. Damien breaks the nearfall attempt and we get interference from dudes that I don’t know that get Lider and Crazy Boy the victory. Afterwards, Halloween returns and cleans house by hitting spears better than Edge or Lashley could ever dream of on all members of the interfering party as the announcers sign off. This DVD needs to be deported.
1) Princess Sugey vs. LuFisto – 2
I need to make mention first that the DVD commentary is done by Kris Kloss and Larry Rivera, formerly the XPW announce team. Rivera’s Spanish accent is so thick that he’s hard to understand half the time. Also, there is heavy metal music dubbed in underneath the commentary that totally takes away the sounds of the match. Just a bad idea. LuFisto takes a hellacious ass-beating. Sugey dropkicks a cookie sheet into her face while she’s tied up in the tree of woe. That’s followed up by a crowd brawl out amongst a sea of outdated WWF Steve Austin tees and plastic patio chairs sponsored by the local beer joint. Two sections of ropes are wrapped in barbed wire for no apparent reason. Sugey suplexed LuFisto into them in about the only moment in the match where the barbed wire came into play. LuFisto sold a shot to the head only to have Sugey climb onto the top buckle and get shoved off into a light tube. A Michinoku Driver-esque move finishes it for LuFisto. Pretty terrible match to start this DVD. Hopefully things will get better.
2) Xtreme Tiger vs. Crazy Boy – 3
This started off good with Tiger hitting a couple highspots including a legdrop from the top rope while his opponent was dangling through the ropes, not unlike the other thing he would dangle in front of the street whore with a hairlip for a few pesos later that night. The hardcore aspect of this really hurt the match as I thought it could’ve been better without all the paraphernalia. Crazy Boy got hurracanranaed through a table in a typical cruiserweight hardcore spot. Interesting spot where Tiger was supposed to get suplexed off the top rope through a table but Crazy Boy overshot everything, clipped the table with his back, and had the table along with Tiger topple on him. The editing on this match sucked. It seemed like everything 10-15 seconds they would cut to a replay, thus cutting off a portion of the match. This ridiculous editing continued throughout the DVD. Crazy Boy missed a moonsault with some light tube conconction which led to interference galore from a bunch of random people. Tiger hit a 450 splash through a table and was declared the winner by a bunch of people because the referee totally bailed about halfway through.
3) Joe Lider & Crazy Boy vs. Xtreme Tiger & Psicosis vs. Damien 666 & Halloween – 1
In the beginning, this had some semblance of order but it quickly went to shit with everyone just fighting each other and the referee just standing there with his hands in his pockets. There were too many people whacking other people with light tubes and other assorted items to keep track. Damien looks like a dirty trucker with his greasy hair and black wardrobe. Psicosis attempted a sunset flip on Damien but lost his grip and crashed through a table. The exact same spot from Crazy Boy missing the moonsault with the light tube contraption. I really don’t think that there is a ref whatsoever in this match. A very spotty double flip move from Lider and Crazy Boy on Xtreme Tiger off the top rope through a bunch of light tubes ends this.
4) Nightmare vs. Dralion – Table Match – 2
The rules were never actually explained but I would assume that it means that tables are legal but judging by what I’ve seen thus far, who knows. Dralion hit a twisting splash through a table two minutes in. The table spots in this match seem to have no rhyme or reason. Dralion is reversed on a whip a pushes himself over the top rope by using the second buckle as a springboard. Nightmare then dives over the top onto him. What is this, some kind of stunt show? Dralion tries a moonsault through a table but the table doesn’t break and Nightmare and the table crash onto him. The finish to this sucked as both guys got legitimately hurt. Dralion tried a running springboard splash onto Nightmare who was on a table on the outside. The table was either too far away or he lost his balance, regardless he hit the ground face first very hard in a giant botch that I laughed at uproariously and rewound at least five times. Afterwards, Nightmare tried to do a legdrop off the apron but landed at the wrong angle and messed up his knee which caused the medics to stop the match.
5) Crazy Boy & Joe Lider vs. Xtreme Tiger & Super Crazy – 2
This sounded good on paper but pretty much failed on all accounts. Crazy and Lider stuck primarily to the basics of the match while Tiger and Crazy Boy brawled and hit each other with assorted weaponry. Super Crazy gave Lider a tarantula submission on a section of the barbed wire section of the ropes. Tags are apparently not necessary as it’s pretty apparent that it’s every man for himself, kind of like a border crossing in the dead of the night. Crazy Boy and Tiger exchange some flaming light tube shots that the announcer compared to Luke and Darth Vader battling with lightsabers. Lider did a shitty legdrop off a ladder that looked like it was pulled off a van somewhere. Tiger, who has pretty much the same spotty offense that Sabu did during his peak in ECW, did something actually worthwhile, a decent 450 splash to the outside on Crazy Boy. Super Crazy and Lider had a nice back-and-forth exchange to end the match. Would’ve been good if it hadn’t’ve had the hardcore shit.
6) Supreme & Angel vs. Damien 666 & Halloween – Death Match – 4
Light tubes are strapped to the ropes in this one. Damien and Halloween look much better than they did in the three way tag. Angel in wrestling in pink pajamas. Supreme bled a ton and brawled with Damien into a dimly lit storage room of some sort. Halloween stiff the shit out of Angel with some serious light tube shots. The crowd is the most excited they’ve been the entire DVD. Supreme was shoved face first into some thumbtacks. Moments later, he put Damien through a barbed wire table. A double stack of tables didn’t bode well for Angel as security and Halloween had to place him on the top table. Halloween did a swan dive that almost missed. Damien suplexed Supreme on a pile of barbed wire, chairs, and light tubes for the win. A fun match because Damien and Halloween just whipped the shit out of Supreme and Angel. Best match on the DVD.
7) LuFisto vs. Joe Lider – Lighting Match – 3
I’m not sure what a lighting match is but it sounds like something that might come out of the Home Depot electrical section. Lider hasn’t really done much for me on this DVD so far so let’s see if he impresses me here. These two wailed on each other for a good while. Lider dropkicked some light tubes into LuFisto’s vaginal area. I bet it’ll be painful when she has kids. There was a pretty predictable spot where LuFisto was whipped to the corner, but she stopped, and then hip tossed Lider into the tubes. Lider tried a somersault onto the floor but landed back first very hard. LuFisto executes a neck snap and the announcer compares her to Curt Hennig. Fuck this dude, why the hell would you name drop Curt Hennig in the middle of a shitty central Mexico death match? Crazy finishing spot where Lider breaks out a flipping Rock Bottom off the apron through a bunch of light tubes. This was pretty good for a garbage match but nothing to totally recommend.
8) Damien 666 & Dragon Shiru vs. Crazy Boy & Joe Lider – 3
This is turning into a “best of Joe Lider” disc, which isn’t exactly something I really wanted to see. Halloween comes out with Damien and Shiru but gets ejected, thus forcing Damien and Shiru to team up. This arena is really awkward. There is a car parked in the background behind the crowd and I saw a brief glimpse of a busy street as Halloween was getting hauled to the back. Damien drags Lider through the crowd just so he can throw him into a giant piece of wood. Shiru didn’t show much in the match and at times seemed a bit tenative. Lots of very hard shots to the head with a trash can lid all around. Crazy Boy moonsaults off a brick wall in a pretty sick spot. Lider busts out a crazy spot where he tombstones Shiru through a plastic patio chair and is immediately followed up by a double team top rope spot. Damien breaks the nearfall attempt and we get interference from dudes that I don’t know that get Lider and Crazy Boy the victory. Afterwards, Halloween returns and cleans house by hitting spears better than Edge or Lashley could ever dream of on all members of the interfering party as the announcers sign off. This DVD needs to be deported.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Ryuji Ito- New King of Hardcore
1) v. Kintaro Kanemura (Cage Match- 08/24/2003)- 3
First off Ito is totally a Japanese CZW dude, wears only jean shorts and lame T-shirts promoting lame things and his back looks like a map of Middle-Earth with all the scars as rivers and puncture wounds as landmarks. Rand-McNally could find a whole new niche market here. Anyways, Kanemura is a FMW stalwart who basically has stalled. He was terrible here, starting with his pansy strikes that were merely a way for him to burn calories, they meant nothing. He blades within 2 minutes but it means little to nothing. Tepid crowd brawl followed up by a very ECW-ish splash through a table in the crowd. Kanemura sold it like he was 9 years old and his mom just woke him up for the first day of school. None of the brawling was inspired and they built a handicap ramp with tables using the top turnbuckle that saw a botched powerbomb attempt that was uglier than Khloe Kardashian's soul. Kanemura was at least good for some near falls in FMW, but even here they were a weak attempt at bringing some excitement as Ito goes over in this dud.
2) v. Abdullah Kobayashi (Light Bulb Barbed Wire Board Glass Death Match- 12/24/03)- 5
When most people are enjoying the warmth of family hugs and Grandma's baked ham, bathing in the neon glow of Christmas Tree lights, getting a little sauced on the egg nog, opening another pair of socks from Aunt Linda, these two were shredding each other's skin with glass. Abby Kobayashi has so much more panache when using a bladed weapon than the original did, he even teases it, he doesn't just wander around like a elderly Alzheimers patient stabbing any forehead that moves. The glass bumps are pretty gnarly, using giant rigs of taped together light tubes to inflict even more damage. The Board bumps were nothing special and the in between stuff kind of dragged as well but the finish was more than enough to make me want to lose my dinner in a vomitious heap, Abby's back was just ripped to pieces, it literally looked like he went swimming with a Mako shark in a kiddie pool.
3) v. Mad Man Pondo (Circus Death Match- 04/30/2004)- 5
This had a very heavy gimmick WWE match feel, one that Shane McMahon would participate in, if he still worked for them. This is one of the more fun matches to see, basically you just brawl around the ringside area because the ring is covered in a Barb Wire spiderweb so to speak and the object of using it is to throw your opponent off this tower into it. Well the brawling is pretty tame, and I'm really getting tired of it, just lazy punches, one guy leading the other around by the back as if he's a cow going to slaughter, it's getting damn old but whatever. Pondo takes a splash through a table with little to no reaction from him, he showed as much emotion after it as if he were flipping burgers somewhere. They go to the barb wire quickly and it feels like this match is going nowhere after burning through their big spot, but they try it again with a Russian leg sweep even Jeff Hardy can top. Then, the match surprisingly picks up, they both stare at each other and challenge each other to meet on the very top of this structure, which guesstimated is probably about 18 feet high, maybe even more. They tease it accordingly then Hell is unleashed with a giant vertical suplex all the way down into the wire. So, this week alone I've seen Lobo Death Valley Driver 2 managers off a cage through several tables on Cage of Death 5 and now this; un-FREAKIN- believable bump. Enough to nearly make this recommendable, could have been the end of their lives.
4) v. Mad Man Pondo (Fans Bring the Weapons Flourscent Light Bulbs Death Match- 05/13/2004)- 5
If ever there was a Yin/Yang of wrestling, It's Pondo. He's old school enough to know how to build to spots, but sometimes they're so stupid, we wish he wouldn't have even tried them (ex. the 3 diff. sentons he attempts onto piles of chairs and tubes throughout this match that looked like a drugged turkey falling over). He can't punch either, but he can rile a crowd up with his own slow clap really well. His facial reactions after getting some near falls with glass were priceless and some of the best i've seen in a while, but his work rate is atrocious and would get him cut from New York quicker than Kronik. Overall this match was very watchable, played off a few things from the previous bout, nothing was overdone and the match progressed accordingly. This was def. the Pondo show here, as Ito is also pretty emotionless and lead by the hand in almost all of these matches, but he'll still take a sick bump. The axe kick finish here onto a bundle of light tubes was deserving of it's own Iphone App that just replays it over and over again.
5) v. Bad Boy Hido (Light Tubes Casket Match- 09/25/2004)- 3
I've nicknamed him "Bad Bitch" because of his unwillingness to do anything with the hardcore implements but you're still in a hardcore match? Ito just gets batted around by Hido, who isn't aware the bowl cut on grown men went out in '93. He keeps doing these strong style clotheslines that I wouldn't try to put Seth Green down with. Only a few chairs and light tubes were utitlized during the bulk of this match; the rest felt more forced than Scrubs' 9th season (even though it's still funny.) ROH dark matches showed more skill than the bulk of this work. The aftermatch casket burning was an outrageous stunt and was insulting.
6) w/ Daisuke Sekimoto v. Bad Boy Hido/ Kintaro Kanemura (Flourscent Light Tube Death Match- 10/30/2004)- 2
Besides Ito and Sekimoto's willingness to butcher their flesh is the only redeeming quality about this and it's not really worth it. Ito takes a gnarly bodyslam off a balcony straight down through a table that's sure to give him a messed up verterbrae and make playing with his kids when he's 30 much, much harder than it should be. Hido, again, really didn't offer much of anything except his faux clotheslines. Kanemura lost a year off his life when splashed through a table with bulbs covering his bulbous stomach in a nasty moment. Sekimoto was just throwing himself into any object or chair near him with reckless abandon, which was fun to watch, but the guy was bleeding all over the place from every conceivable place you could think of. This was just a big mess to watch, sort of like Sarah Palin trying to be taken seriously.
Ito- new king of Hardcore? Hardly, much of this stuff felt like bottom barrel American hardcore indy schlock, for work rate, there was nothing particular positive about him besides his willingness to take any bump conceivable, but get in line: Current Big Japan blows this out of the water, both in terms of sheer craziness and work rate.
First off Ito is totally a Japanese CZW dude, wears only jean shorts and lame T-shirts promoting lame things and his back looks like a map of Middle-Earth with all the scars as rivers and puncture wounds as landmarks. Rand-McNally could find a whole new niche market here. Anyways, Kanemura is a FMW stalwart who basically has stalled. He was terrible here, starting with his pansy strikes that were merely a way for him to burn calories, they meant nothing. He blades within 2 minutes but it means little to nothing. Tepid crowd brawl followed up by a very ECW-ish splash through a table in the crowd. Kanemura sold it like he was 9 years old and his mom just woke him up for the first day of school. None of the brawling was inspired and they built a handicap ramp with tables using the top turnbuckle that saw a botched powerbomb attempt that was uglier than Khloe Kardashian's soul. Kanemura was at least good for some near falls in FMW, but even here they were a weak attempt at bringing some excitement as Ito goes over in this dud.
2) v. Abdullah Kobayashi (Light Bulb Barbed Wire Board Glass Death Match- 12/24/03)- 5
When most people are enjoying the warmth of family hugs and Grandma's baked ham, bathing in the neon glow of Christmas Tree lights, getting a little sauced on the egg nog, opening another pair of socks from Aunt Linda, these two were shredding each other's skin with glass. Abby Kobayashi has so much more panache when using a bladed weapon than the original did, he even teases it, he doesn't just wander around like a elderly Alzheimers patient stabbing any forehead that moves. The glass bumps are pretty gnarly, using giant rigs of taped together light tubes to inflict even more damage. The Board bumps were nothing special and the in between stuff kind of dragged as well but the finish was more than enough to make me want to lose my dinner in a vomitious heap, Abby's back was just ripped to pieces, it literally looked like he went swimming with a Mako shark in a kiddie pool.
3) v. Mad Man Pondo (Circus Death Match- 04/30/2004)- 5
This had a very heavy gimmick WWE match feel, one that Shane McMahon would participate in, if he still worked for them. This is one of the more fun matches to see, basically you just brawl around the ringside area because the ring is covered in a Barb Wire spiderweb so to speak and the object of using it is to throw your opponent off this tower into it. Well the brawling is pretty tame, and I'm really getting tired of it, just lazy punches, one guy leading the other around by the back as if he's a cow going to slaughter, it's getting damn old but whatever. Pondo takes a splash through a table with little to no reaction from him, he showed as much emotion after it as if he were flipping burgers somewhere. They go to the barb wire quickly and it feels like this match is going nowhere after burning through their big spot, but they try it again with a Russian leg sweep even Jeff Hardy can top. Then, the match surprisingly picks up, they both stare at each other and challenge each other to meet on the very top of this structure, which guesstimated is probably about 18 feet high, maybe even more. They tease it accordingly then Hell is unleashed with a giant vertical suplex all the way down into the wire. So, this week alone I've seen Lobo Death Valley Driver 2 managers off a cage through several tables on Cage of Death 5 and now this; un-FREAKIN- believable bump. Enough to nearly make this recommendable, could have been the end of their lives.
4) v. Mad Man Pondo (Fans Bring the Weapons Flourscent Light Bulbs Death Match- 05/13/2004)- 5
If ever there was a Yin/Yang of wrestling, It's Pondo. He's old school enough to know how to build to spots, but sometimes they're so stupid, we wish he wouldn't have even tried them (ex. the 3 diff. sentons he attempts onto piles of chairs and tubes throughout this match that looked like a drugged turkey falling over). He can't punch either, but he can rile a crowd up with his own slow clap really well. His facial reactions after getting some near falls with glass were priceless and some of the best i've seen in a while, but his work rate is atrocious and would get him cut from New York quicker than Kronik. Overall this match was very watchable, played off a few things from the previous bout, nothing was overdone and the match progressed accordingly. This was def. the Pondo show here, as Ito is also pretty emotionless and lead by the hand in almost all of these matches, but he'll still take a sick bump. The axe kick finish here onto a bundle of light tubes was deserving of it's own Iphone App that just replays it over and over again.
5) v. Bad Boy Hido (Light Tubes Casket Match- 09/25/2004)- 3
I've nicknamed him "Bad Bitch" because of his unwillingness to do anything with the hardcore implements but you're still in a hardcore match? Ito just gets batted around by Hido, who isn't aware the bowl cut on grown men went out in '93. He keeps doing these strong style clotheslines that I wouldn't try to put Seth Green down with. Only a few chairs and light tubes were utitlized during the bulk of this match; the rest felt more forced than Scrubs' 9th season (even though it's still funny.) ROH dark matches showed more skill than the bulk of this work. The aftermatch casket burning was an outrageous stunt and was insulting.
6) w/ Daisuke Sekimoto v. Bad Boy Hido/ Kintaro Kanemura (Flourscent Light Tube Death Match- 10/30/2004)- 2
Besides Ito and Sekimoto's willingness to butcher their flesh is the only redeeming quality about this and it's not really worth it. Ito takes a gnarly bodyslam off a balcony straight down through a table that's sure to give him a messed up verterbrae and make playing with his kids when he's 30 much, much harder than it should be. Hido, again, really didn't offer much of anything except his faux clotheslines. Kanemura lost a year off his life when splashed through a table with bulbs covering his bulbous stomach in a nasty moment. Sekimoto was just throwing himself into any object or chair near him with reckless abandon, which was fun to watch, but the guy was bleeding all over the place from every conceivable place you could think of. This was just a big mess to watch, sort of like Sarah Palin trying to be taken seriously.
Ito- new king of Hardcore? Hardly, much of this stuff felt like bottom barrel American hardcore indy schlock, for work rate, there was nothing particular positive about him besides his willingness to take any bump conceivable, but get in line: Current Big Japan blows this out of the water, both in terms of sheer craziness and work rate.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)