NHO Road Report #4: DWA @ Hamilton County Fair - 8/14/09

Ah yes, the wonderful county fair, complete with hot dogs, cotton candy, funnel cakes, and wrestling. Tim and I ventured down the Hamilton County fair to check out the Dynamic Wrestling Alliance, a local low-level fed that’s only been around for a year. I thought they might be set up at the grandstand, since that’s where the last wrestling show I saw at the fair was, but no. They were set up by the main walk-up gate, just off the midway, and next to the restrooms. Well, that’s an awkward spot for a ring. There were a scattered amount of chairs (wait, I thought these guys didn’t use chairs) around the ring and a small, ramshackle table set up for Greg “The Hammer” Valentine to sell some 8x10 photos and what not. Some random dude comes out and sings “America the Beautiful”, all three complete verses mind you, and we’re off and stumbling.

1. Natasha Rivers vs. Jess Harley – 1
2. Evan Da Malice vs. Lightning Tim Lutz – 4
3. "Bulldog" Garf Redman vs. The Showcase – 2
4. Army of Darkness (Ghost Rider/Malice) vs. Modu Zapetta & Princeton Travis (DWA Tag Team Title) – 2
5. Ryan O'Bryan vs. Bull Newlin – 3
6. The Royal Battler vs. Phoenix (Over-the-Top-Rope Challenge) – 2
7. Jordan Lachey vs. The Regulator (DWA Tri-State Title) – 2
8. Phantom vs. Castle Bond (DWA Heavyweight Title) – 3

First match up was a women’s match. Rivers is a tubby old broad who was accompanied by a group of three masked men known as the Army of Darkness. There dudes were way into their characters, demanding that the ref hold open the ropes and such. Harley was a chubby young lass, described by the ring announcer as a “southern belle”. These two had a terrible match that consisted of Rivers yelling, Harley doing some selling, and not much else. The Army interfered after the match, attacking Harley, until some old guy named Grandpa Gator and whoever else was with him, to make the save. Lutz and Evan has a very good match, almost as good as you can by county fair standards. Evan was throwing some good strikes and Lutz was over with the crowd of people who were full of beer and funnel cakes. Thus far, Lutz was the only person who looked like an actual wrestler, as everyone else had some ramshackle stuff thrown together to look like an acceptable outfit. Redman was a gruff looking character, dressed in black jeans and boots (what is it with generic indy heels and black?), who looked like he was seeking out dirty old women and smack. I’m not sure what Showcase was showcasing as it certainly wasn’t his talent in the ring. Before the match started, his manager, some dude who appeared to be a cross between Santa Claus and Colonel Sanders, was talking up Greg Valentine at ringside. Showcase got on the mic and proceeded to deliver a very uninspired and generic promo while firing this dude. Redman had some nice work and apparently works stiff but I sure didn’t see it.

The Army of Darkness is back and this time it’s Ghost Rider and Malice (unfortunately these three were not named Clatto, Verata, and Nicto) challenging two scrawny black dudes, Zapetta and Travis, for the tag team titles. Neither of the champions did anything for me. Zapetta just stood on the apron, looking useless, while Travis took a beating from the Army. Speaking of which, I mentioned to Tim before the match that they could definitely talk but could they work? The answer to that would be somewhat. Ghost Rider seemed the most proficient of the two A.O.D. competiting in the match and he was very vocal in the ring and on the apron. It seems to me that it’s a pre-requisite for every promotion in this area to have an Irish character on their roster. Let me tell you something, if this dude was Irish, then I’m fucking Scandinavian! Newlin was a shady looking character complete with bald head and goatee. He was dubbed by the ring announcer as the “Canadian Destroyer” but I’m sure that he’s not even from Canada and the only thing that he’s destroyed is marriages. His work was that of a basic indy big-man heel … no sell pretty much everything. O’Bryan tried some flippy-floppy moves but those were pretty bad as well.

After this, came intermission of which 75 percent of the crowd left to go occupy their time elsewhere with fair activities such as riding the ferris wheel, visiting the goat barn, fornucating in the woods … you know, things like that. I did go over to Valentine’s table and asked him about a DVD that he had. Call me a sucker if you like but I purchased one and got a free autographed picture. However, I wasn’t about to fork out 20 bucks to have a picture taken with him. Valentine seemed like a nice guy but it’s pretty apparent that his main goal now is to make enough money so that The Hammer can get hammered. Meanwhile, in the ring, there was a deal going on for five dollars you could get a picture in the ring with, and I quote, “your favorite DWA superstar”! HA!! That’s a laugh. It should be noted that Valentine was supposed to work this show but couldn’t because he was injured. Nobody apparently informed the person touting stuff over the loudspeakers at the fair because every once in a while you could hear them talk about Valentine’s match, which was especially amusing after his spot on the card had passed.

By now, darkness had fallen over the fairgrounds and the lit up ferris wheel and the midway in the background of the wrestling event was a pretty amazing sight. Back to the action, only three matches left, and … fuck, why does the second part have to start with this moronic Royal Battler? Battler comes out for his match, Valentine cuts a promo about how he’s hurt and can’t work, and announces Phoenix as his replacement. Maybe Valentine should call Aflac because, according to their commercials, if you’re hurt and miss work, it won’t hurt to miss work. So anyway, Battler and Phoenix work a pretty standard match with Valentine hobbling around on a crutch at ringside. After the match, Valentine limped away, packed up his table, and drove off because he’d seen enough. Lachey is a rather obvious take off on Cincinnati native and pop star Nick Lachey. He definitely has the look to be a star but needs to get some more exposure first. The Regulator, well, was terrible. He worked a bump free match and had a bad tendency to pop right up off the mat after taking a move. If John Wayne would’ve seen his red leather chaps and vest, he would’ve puked. Main event, and I use that term loosely, was yet another member of the Army doing an open challenge to the crowd. By now, I was sick of the Army and sick of this show. They pulled some plant from the crowd, who actually knew what he was doing since he took Phantom down quite a few times. However, since plants don’t grow without sunlight, this dude wilted fast and lost. While the wrestling at this event was so-so, it was a lot better than the last fair show I went to but defintely lacked star power. For a free show, this was acceptable but I wouldn’t pay admission to one of their events. DWA needs to decide whether to sink or swim because right now, they’re just another random fed in a sea of random feds in the Cincinnati area.