Tuesday, April 8, 2008

WWE Hardcore DVD

This thing is so out of print- good luck finding it on WWE.com or any other wrestling-related site. But, we here at NHO have it- we have everything!!!! Hahahahahaha (sorry about the mad scientist rant; enjoy)

Featured Matches 1) Mankind v. Ken Shamrock- 3
2) Ivory v. Tori- 4
3) Al Snow v. Hardcore Holly- 2
4) Crash v. Hardcore Holly v. Jeff Hardy v. Matt Hardy v. Tazz v. Perry Saturn- 3
5) Steve Blackman v. Shane McMahon- 2

Mick was donning his best "corporate" attire as "Daddy" Vince watched from afar in a wheelchair. This was pretty tame according to WWE-hardcore standards and piss poor compared to Foley standards. Shamrock didn't have a clue how to sell a weapon spot, or even normal wrestling offense at this point. Foley took some really protected bumps, including a belly to belly on the floor. Bossman took off Shamrock's head for the finish while Vince postured. The women went at it in a serious backstage brawl that featured shampoo, tampons, naked girls, cheering men, glass, and a hot steam iron. Ivory is one twisted sister and Tori...well, she's better left forgotten. This one, you may remember, led down to the Missisippi River but didn't look any different than any backyard match I've ever seen. Holly and Snow were both guilty of major no-selling throughout, with Snow often ignoring shots taken just to get off a bad one-liner. He was pinned while wrapped up in some fencing with one shoulder up. Crash took more than his fair share in this 6 way slopfest. They tried some spots off of the big swinging hooks which were really lame. Saturn and Hardcore were seen constantly walking around the ring looking for something to do. I'm not a Shane McMahon fan and to say this was hard to watch, well, it was just hard to watch. Blackman has zero personality and a little more work rate, but it was all he could do not to put himself to sleep. Test and Albert interfered to the delight of absolutely no one and McMahon took another big fall onto a padded mat. Blackman followed with an elbow that defines the word pussy.

Bonus Matches(which are all under Hardcore Rules)
1) Hardcore Holly v. Bart Gunn- 6
2) Test v. Crash Holly- 3 3
) Tazz v. Crash Holly- 2
4) Crash v. Mean Street Posse (Laundromat)- 4
5) Crash v. Mean Street Posse (Airport)- 1
6) Crash v. Headbangers (Funtime USA)- 2
7) Crash v. Hardcore Holly- 1
8) Matt Hardy v. Jeff Hardy- 3
9) Gerald Brisco v. Crash - 0
10) Gerald Brisco v. Pat Patterson- 1
11) Steve Blackman v. Big Bossman- 2
12) Steve Blackman v. Edge & Christian- 2
13) Steve Blackman v. Tazz- 1
14) Steve Blackman v. Tiger Ali Singh- 1
15) Undertaker v. Raven- 2
16) Big Show v. Kurt Angle v. The Rock- 2

Wow, there's a lot of stuff to cover here: well, let's just say Bart Gunn is one stiff M'Fer! He was clubbing Holly with right hands Kimbo Slice would be jealous of. These guys just brutalized each other with glass, ring bells, watermelons, crates of bananas, and to top it off, one of my faves, Dr. Death came out dressed as a retarded ninja and threw Bart off the ramp. As far as pure fun, this one ranks up with the best of WWE Hardcore.

Test took one decent bump and worked well with Crash, surprisingly amidst the usual filler of garbage can lids.

Tazz bored me on this whole DVD, and when he used a wrench on Bossman and Albert, it made a DONG! sound effect- yeah, metal hitting flesh always makes that sound.

The Laundromat was fun, with the Posse asking the clerk if they had seen a guy who looked like Elroy Jetson. Classic. The action was fast and furious and the Posse took some licks.

The Airport was quick and only highlighted by a random 60 year old dude getting knocked off of a ladder.

Crash and Hardcore turned into a big schmaze with tons of guys coming out, none of whom were getting laid that night.

The Funtime Match could have been a really good concept, fighting inside of a lamer version of Chuck E Cheese, but the Headbangers had no comic talent, or talent in general. The spots were really tired except for Crash's hurricanran from a swing.

Brisco picked up his only WWE title by sneaking in on Crash's naptime in a briefly humorous notion.

Patterson gets a point for his locker room celebration turned into match for inflicting at least fake pain on that old bitter biyatch, Brisco by cracking a wine bottle over his head. At first, I thought he was trying to coax Brisco and the referee into a gay threesome by drugging them with spiked wine, but I guess i was thinking of an ROH angle.

Blackman v. Bossman was nothing to write home about, although Bossman's punches should go down as some of the best looking in the business.

I don't get why they put Blackman over E & C who were such a big team at the time and are now 2 of the biggest singles competitors in the USA. They bumbled around Blackman to make him look less like a living corpse, but it wasn't working.

This match was another boring affair, the only highlight being them brawling backstage and Tazz knocking the shit out of perennial jobber Funaki.

Tiger Ali Singh....? does anyone else really remember this guy. Anyways, this blew harder than Heidi Fleisch for coke.

I'm going to describe this one as a 2 1/2 year old child may: "Taker bweat Waven's ass!"

The following had the makings of something pretty good, with such big names in it, but after only 3 minutes, Big Show wandered through the crowd being attacked by some angry hardcore villagers, such as Crash, P-Sat, & Essa Rios. It turned out to be a big mess like the one in Tazz's gym shorts that night.


Brian said...

had almost as much fun reading this as i did watching the DVD.. - man, were we cracking up at that festering pile of pixels..

anyway.. can't wait to see what the spring/summer holds for NHO.. - i've got a lot of reviews on my hands.. and i'm really excited to see what you, as well the other guys, publish.. - may this review be dedicated to the memory of crash "elroy" hardy..

Adam said...

A fine review of an otherwise terrible DVD. That Bart Gunn match was hilarious and the "retarted ninja" with the fruit crate was unforgettable.

Enjoyed the review. It seems as if we're getting back into the swing of things after a few slow months. I can't wait to see what reviews await us in the summer!

Jessie said...

oh man, that was a fun late night....how many really bad garbage can shots are on that? and tazz as host? Drew Carey would have done a better job....yeah, me either, let's hit 600 reviews by summer hopefully