WCW New Blood Rising

I think this is sometime in late 2000 and I have a dreaded feeling it’s going to be Russo-tastic.

1 Jung Dragons v. 3 Count (Ladder Match)- 4

Okay, this starts out really good- the action is fast paced, they are doing the whole “keep everyone outside except the two guys doing ladder spots” routine but it’s working for them. Yang gets crotched on a ladder rung in the corner, Knoble does a huge cross body from the top of the ladder to the outside, Helms has someone hanging from the ladder and hits a running neck breaker, so there are some cool things going down. But, Tank Abbott is at ringside and he gets involved in the last probably 4 minutes and bungles everything. Plus, the goal is to get a Gold Record (that 3 Count supposedly received for their song) and a Recording Contract (?). So, the Dragons get the Record and by most Ladder Match premises would have won but it keeps going while Tank struts and jives around the ring, looking so damn foolish it’s hard for the announcers to contain their laughter. But, the joke was on them because they’d all be out of jobs by the beginning of the next year.

2 Great Muta v. The Cat- 2

Why, oh Why did you come here Muta? The bald spot on his head surrounded by wispy black hair looked like a field of wheat caught in a brushfire. Muta’s kicks were on target but his sells were not. He was so stiff moving that he actually made Ernest Miller look limber. Tygress came in and jumped off the top rope with a chair held above her head like a parachute and hit Muta with it in a pathetic looking spot. But, he kicked out and later got pinned with another shitty roundhouse kick from Cat. Puke.

3 “Positively” Kanyon v. Buff Bagwell (Judy Bagwell on a Forklift Match)- 3

As ridiculous as this gimmick is and it really tops the list, the in-ring work itself wasn’t so bad. The match was short but Kanyon worked a good pace with Bagwell, who mostly stayed on the defensive. Kanyon worked some really good cutoff spots of Buff’s momentum and hit some crisp moves. For some unknown reason, David Arquette (who Mark Madden started hailing as “one of the greatest world champions of our time”) came out and interfered and sadly started out bumping Kanyon! Blockbuster finish and Buffy helps his gargantuan redneck momma off a big forklift. Still can’t believe she was a tag champ with Rick Steiner….

4 Kronik v. Hugh Morrus/ Lash LeRoux v. Perfect Event v. Sean O”Haire/ Mark Jindrak- 1

What a big festering pile of dog shit this was. Stasiak, Morrus and Palumbo did most of the legwork here, which wasn’t bad, but anytime either Kronik guy got in, they botched a spot. Even their own double team move, the High Times double chokeslam. Then, you had the refs: Disco, Rey jr. Tygress, and Juvi were all refs and interfered at will for the duration of the whole match. Then, Disco would randomly fast count or slow count different guys to no rhyme or reason. Vampiro and Muta made a stop at ringside so Vamp could throw one kick and Muta could act like he didn’t see the 300 lb. guy running towards him to knock him off the apron. The finish came when Chavo Jr. came in and stole Disco’s ref shirt then counted the three as it fell from his neck. Madden explained “that whoever has the ref’s shirt on can make the count.” Oh, well, in that case, couldn’t I put the shirt on, and count my own wins? After I finish this review, I’m going to take a lighter and burn the piece of film in the tape of this match.

5 Shane Douglas v. Billy Kidman (Strap Match)- 2

God, is Douglas slow. He and Kidman have no rhythm together and this looks like a really bad indy match. Kidman takes a sweet stun gun that crumples his neck. Torrie interferes numerous times in this one, actually hitting Kidman with her heel when she was supposed to miss and hit Douglas. Franchise That! Douglas really hangs Kidman after the match in a kind of grotesque scene when Big Vito makes the save and the crowd groans indifferently. I wonder what Douglas likes more: the cheers of the crowd or “Price check in Aisle 6”
Douglas: “Target doesn’t know how badly it’s about to get it’s Ass Franchised!”

6 Miss Hancock v. Major Gunns (Bikini Mud Match)- 1

So, the rules kept changing. First you have to take off the camo bikinis they had on. Then, you take them to the mud pit. Well, then you have to pin them. JUST STRIP NAKED, BEECHES! That’s the only reason you’re out there. In the Mud Pit, Stacy got real provocative and started doing her grind while just feeling herself up. Definitley liked that. This ended with the beginning of her pregnancy angle……and just who was going to be the father? Why, Vince Russo. But, he does what’s best for his company….like giving himself the WorldTitle. Oh, that wasn’t the person Vince Russo, it was the character that was winning it. Someone please, please bludgeon him with a wrench and videotape it for all the world to see!*
*Psychopaths, ignore this plea.

7 The Demon v. Sting- 2

This was about 45 seconds long, but Demon was bumping his ass off for the Stinger and one of two matches without interference during it. Sting looked actually sort of young compared to now and had tons of energy.

8 Mike Awesome v. Lance Storm- 2

I think these two could have had a legitimate good match, but it was pissed away like the results of Russo’s AIDS test. They did the “rules keep changing” gimmick which restarted the match like 5 times. And they were in Canada, so they pretty much shit all over Storm to do this stupid gimmick. Storm was taking really sick powerbombs though throughout and Awesome actually looked motivated. Jacques Rougeau and Bret Hart both made appearances to up the Canuck quotient but ultimately didn’t mean anything.

9 Great Muta/ Vampiro v. Kronik- 2

This match was made during the aftermatch of Sting’s match. Yeah, everyone was thrilled. Bryan Clarke’s own mother doesn’t want to see him twice in one day, so why should we? The work was bad, as Vamp and Muta were throwing really uninspired kicks like a bad action figure from the 80’s. And, now brought to you by Vince Russo’s Head from Ass Removal Cream, we bring you the Interference for this Match: (drumroll, please) The Harris Boys! Yes, it’s the Harris Boys, the only two twins who wish they were conjoined! They run in with a really shitty double powerbomb that fell apart like a Whopper sandwich from Burger King!
And now, back to your regularly scheduled program….this match sucked.

10 Kevin Nash v. Scott Steiner v. Goldberg- 1

Challenge to Readers: Please tell me what the bloody fuck was happening here?
Goldberg doesn’t come out right away and the announcers are trying to play up like he’s breaking kayfabe because he doesn’t want to “do the job”, then he runs out a minute in with taped up ribs and wrists (Madden speculates it’s a worked injury to get out of the match) then after some really slow, slow action (using this word really loosely) Goldberg is about to get jackknifed but he just walks away from the move, again, as if breaking kayfabe then walks to the back where Russo comes out and gets red on him before getting the bird. Then, Nash and Steiner finish a really shitty match. Goldberg stiffing Steiner and Steiner getting the Jacknife were the only highlights in this massively, overbooked diarrhea dump of a match.

11 Booker T v. Jeff Jarrett- 3

Here’s our main event: No interference in this one, thank god, but it probably could have used some. They started out with a fast pace and they’re timing together was pretty on. But, it pretty much turned into a hardcore fiasco. Why would you run armpit first if you were whipped into a guard rail? Anyone by the name of Jarrett feel free to answer that question. They did a Rock Bottom off the apron onto a table- Sounds good right? Well, the table was too short and Jarrett hit his head on the corner and looked really hurt. Then, they got back in and did some chair spots which looked as feeble as the creepy old guy from Family Guy. They did like one reversal and hit the finish. Really lackluster and I expected much better from these two.