Wednesday, July 30, 2008

MLW Hybrid Hell

1) Jerry Lynn v. Kid Romeo- 3
2) Michael Shane v. Homicide- 4
3) Christopher Daniels v. Billy Fives- 3
4) Los Maximos v. Samoan Island Tribe- 3
5) Norman Smiley v. Kenzo Suzuki- 5
6) Simon Diamond/ CW Anderson v. Dr. Death/ D-Lo Brown- 4
7) Sabu v. Mikey Whipwreck- 4
8) CM Punk v. Raven- 3
9) Satoshi Kojima v. Mike Awesome (NO DQ)- 3
10) Mike Awesome v. Steve Corino (No DQ)- 2
11) Steve Corino v. Terry Funk (No Ropes Barb Wire Match)- 3

Joey "Webmaster" Styles is our host with the most on this journey into post-ECW indy hybrid jumbalaya of action. Jerry Lynn or the "Evil F'N Show" as his new moniker boasts is aligned with Christopher Daniels in a new stable. Lynn can talk the talk but he can't play an effective heel in ring, he does the same stuff he always did. His opponent, Kid Romeo, while I enjoy his dance routine, he doesn't keep up with Lynn and this match just becomes another throwaway. Michael Shane is now managed by Francine, whose skin looks lacquered on; God, you can almost see the traces of nut stains on her overtanned chest. Homicide looks to want to work and both guys styles seem to match up well. He hits his rad front somersault plancha to the outside but then you have a bunch of sexual innuendo spots where he rams Francine's face into Shane's crotch several time prompting Styles to mark out of his suit. 187 and we out. Daniels is up in our 3rd match and this feels a lot like the opener; a competent worker matched with someone of lesser skill- here we have Billy Fives, perennial indy jobber to the stars. He looks a lot like Christian York but he can't work half as quickly. Daniels steers the kid through a really non-impressive match.

The tag match was a fun retreat and the Samoans are complete monsters, just smashing the SAT's everywhere they want to. Samu takes Joel through the back curtain though, and never returns- maybe he tripped and hurt his knee in that really weird Peter Griffin way where you have to rub it for like an hour. The Maximos pick up the win after a double bulldog on a chair to Mana, who's probably the worst Samoan wrestler these baby brown's have seen. Norman finally got what he always needed: a white girl with a GIANT ass to give the Big Wiggle too- but he still gives it to Suzuki here. This is arguably the best match on the show- Suzuki and Smiley exchange bruising chops several times throughout the match and Norman shys away from his usual scientific routine to have a fight with a Japanese samurai. I'm thinking Cher designed Suzuki's purple tights but it doesn't detract away from the match. This was a fun, stiff encounter and G.I. Hoe (Norman's manager) has a GIANT ass.

Next you have the Extreme Horsemen, well two of them and CW Anderson isn't wearing a shirt. Dr. Death is, so it's easier to watch him. All 4 guys had real snap on their punches and the Horsemen both used superkicks which Joey explained was the "go-to move" for all of the Horsemen- guess that gives them an excuse. Just like the old ECW- everybody had a superkick. D-Lo looked the best and Diamond just doesn't have it as a pro in my opinion, there wasn't really any classic tag stuff here, just guys trading in and out doing moves, which doesn't mean this was terrible, just isn't required viewing. When you read the names Sabu and Whipwreck, what's the first phrase that comes to your mind? "Fuck-up" mine too, but oddly there were none here. Both men took their time and hit all of their spots fairly clean. There was some good reversals and the Whippersnapper looked really good. Sabu missed one of his big moonsaults and he completely disregarded a legdrop so he could roll outside and shift a guardrail but other than that, this was fine for what they were capable of. Joey Style was putting Raven over huge, saying this was the best shape he'd been in for years but this match had no sizzle. We saw far too many russian leg sweeps into the guard rail and far too many other people's moves being ripped off, ex. anklelock and shining wizard. Raven worked some psych in trying to lure Punk to the floor but when they finally did, Punk stayed on the offense. Mikey Whipwreck came back out and interefered to absolutely no pop whatsoever- you would have thought he was wearing a "Support Don Imus" shirt.

Next is our World Title match and if you are thinking Satoshi Kojima is going to fit nicely into Masato Tanaka's role as Mike Awesome's hardcore nemesis, promptly slap yourself in the face and be disappointed. Have no fear, I was hoping for the same thing but these two had zero chemistry. Awesome was slow, pudgy and didn't have the heart to really put forth an effort here and Kojima, while a fine worker, didn't have the skills to carry the soon-to be dead former superstar. There were numerous botches in the match, one specifically where Awesome tried to get him up for a powerbomb and they were fumbling with a chair while in the process. The final powerbomb through a table was stiff and garnered a pity point. Steve Corino then comes out, looking like he needs to join Conan's Pale Force and challenges Awesome.....then starts bumping his ass off for absolutely no reason. Corino takes a huge spill into the audience and a running Razor's Edge through a table but still wins with the help of his posse- the only thing Extreme about those Horsemen are the bills they rack up at Ruby Tuesdays. Then, our main event which was simply a plodding and distubring blood letting. Why Terry why? Nothing happened here except both men just putting the other' face and/or arm on the wire and cutting away. Why didn't Corino save his big bumps for the wire and breath some life into this dead stipulation until Honma kicks the mother fucker in the ass> Some more Horsemen interference and Funk is covered in blood like Carrie White and I'm wishing someone would dump pig's blood all over the end of this show.

1 comment:

Brian said...

Diamond just doesn't have it as a pro in my opinion

i'd have to agree with you, sir.. - after watching MLW Revolutions earlier this evening, another terrible show, one of the things that stuck out the most was my distaste for Diamond's in-ring performance.. - while his partner, CW Anderson, sold well, if not somewhat over the top, Diamond was awful.. - some guys have a natural, intrinsic ability.. but its obvious Diamond has to work for it and even then he doors so poorly.. - his defense stuff is just shit.. - you'll be disappointed to know Norman later switched to a different white stripper chick with a busty chest and street corner face..

i was blasting Diamond, and Adam, G-d bless him, tried to defend Simon.. saying, "I rather enjoyed his ECW stint".. - my simple and blunt response was, "well, maybe you should go back and watch it again"..

thank G-d we've only got three more MLW shows left out of that giant pile..