WWE Judgment Day 2007

The 2nd effort in our new line of newly remodled Tri-branded ppv's. The set looked completely normal except for a big silhoutte ornament hanging in the background of the arena, serving no purpose, functionally or visually for any reason. Onto the show…

1) Ric Flair v. Carlito- 5

As far as build up, you could see this match happening months ago, just like Operation Iraq blowing up in Bush's face, except this match had a payoff. Flair was taking some particularly ugly bumps, landing multiple times awkwardly on his surely deformed hip bone. He did unleash some of the most unforgiving chops I've seen in a long time and the crowd roared in approval. Flair won clean with a Figure Four and the crowd screamed like Ozzie Smith just walked in the building. Even Flair's sagging flesh seemed to stiffen up for a night and this was a highly enjoyable, but certainly technically limited opener.

2) Vince, Shane & Umaga v. Lashley- 1

It's always fun to see billionaire brats thrown around like they are fecal matter by a monkey and we saw Shane get just that treatment. Vince stood outside, with his newly regrown greasy hair matted against his roided out skull. Lashley won with a spear and a powerslam, officially making his move list completely basic and ripped off. The crowd was also into this match, all 90 seconds of it, and making a fool out of me when I said people with no personality will not get over. Lashley is as charismatic as a board with a nail sticking out of it and he continues to expose his lack of character and the business with each mundane promo and predictable match he executes.

3) CM Punk v. Elijah Burke- 5

Punk was wrapped up tighter than King Tut in a whorehouse and as my friend pointed out, "looked like he was wearing a corset." This match was riddled with intensity but on the other side of the seesaw was several major botched moves. The match got a lot of time, maybe in the upwards of 15 to 17 minutes and could have been better fine tued to shave off a few. There were some really stiff kicks during it and Elijah socked Punk in the face at one point with a right cross. A close up of Punks' face revealed he would probably take a healthy dump in Eljiah's travel bag later that night as payback. A Go to Sleep finish looked bad, as Burke held his hand up over his face like he was on a date with R. Kelly and Punk goes over.

4) Randy Orton v. Shawn Michaels- 0

It's my party and I can cry if I want to! Yeah, well, can you do us a favor and fucking wrestle! What a piece of bacon wrapped slop this match was. Playing up on HBK's head trauma (how much does he play this role?) he could barely move, walking to the ring as if he spent a night out with Robert Downey Jr. Orton didn't do a damn thing either. Shawn's wife came out to up the cheesy drama factor while everyone was really hoping she was wearing a boobie shirt.

5) The Hardys v. Lance Cade/ Trevor Murdoch- 8

I reviewed a Matt Hardy v. Shane Helms match last year, and gave it an 8 for the same reasons I give this one an 8: it was a classic wrestling tag match, a dying breed in today's wrestling world. These two teams didn't work slow and pushed the pace and kept the whole match undeniably stiff! Ron Jeremy would be jealous of the stiff ness in this match, which was capped off by a Matt Hardy elbow to the top of Lance Cade's head that would have made any UFC fighter cringe in pain. Cade and Murdoch stepped up their game, they were cutting off corners and using effective double teams and the Hardys' had the experience and psych to keep the fans involved. There were counters, sick bumps (Hardy missing a swanton to the outside!), and all around 'I hate you, you tought mother fucker! Intensity' that kicked this up a big notch. Originally I was going to give this a 7, but on a show that could have given us so much more, these guys stuck up their middle finger and stole the show, without a doubt. Plus they shook hands after the match- that's class.

6) Edge v. Batista- 3

Oh, Dave, you finally did it- you finally hurt yourself on one of your own finishers! In a moment that made my table laugh hysterically, Batista stumbled into the steel stairs after a whip in and tried to slow down so as not to hit them hard, and stutter stepped and crashed into them even harder than he meant to. What a dufus( yes, I relegated to using a elementary school burn on Dave, because it seemed so fitting) One word sums up this match: Lazy. Neither man really did anything at all, if you watched closely. Edge never bumped big for Dave and Dave's short run of seemingly inspired work against Taker came to a head jarring, neck snapping, electrons merging, windstorm raging, viagra inducing, screeching halt in this match. How curiously insipid it was (that was Coen Brothers)

7) Chris Benoit v. MVP (2 out of 3 Falls)- 4

This 3rd match in their series felt very much like Return of the Jedi, the 3rd film in the Star Wars Series, and no that doesn't mean I was making out during the whole middle of it, like I did when the films were re-released in 97, nor does it mean small furry creatures invaded it, which would later get their own mediocre animated treatment. What I mean by that comparison is it felt very okay, while the other 2 matches felt important. This was supposed to be MVP's moment to shine and the first fall went well, short, but well. I took a glance at my cell phone and saw the show had a good 45 minutes left, so I was expecting a war, and what we got was some poorly concevied finish where Benoit's legs (being worked over the whole match) were tripped up and used to pin him. Not very compelling.

8) John Cena v. The Great Khali- 2

This match was exactly what I thought it would be, so I can't really grade it very high, and it was short, so that also detracts from it and it contained the 7 foot bowel movement, the Great Khali. The people in the sports bar we were watching the show in were going crazy for Cena, his biggest fan being a woman tipping the scales at a least 300 pounds, with trailer park trash dyed bloned hair and a shirt that said Baby Rocks! (if anyone knows what that means, slap yourself.) Cena's win looked quite unplausable, as Khali was barely bent at all in the move, and I was not expecting him to tap because it looked like he was barely in pain, maybe slightly uncomfortable but he's so big I know the move couldn't have done any damage to his massive body. Oh yeah it's not real, wrestling's fake, but aren't we supposed to suspend belief watching? Seeing Khali Tap to the STFU was as believable as thinking Michael Jackson never piddled a youngster, even though they had been spending the night at his secluded and highly guarded mansion for years.