Tuesday, October 23, 2007

No Prom Date #4- Hall of Fame Edition

Remember how proms had themes? Mine was Millenium, whatever the hellthat was supposed to mean? It was decorated in space suit silver, as if we really were all going to be donning that same strange outfit in the future, like that old Jerry Seinfeld joke. Made no sense. Well, the theme to this review is Hall of Famers, I'm speaking of course of NHO Hall of Famers, our latest class. Basically the premise is I went to everyone's favorite video distribution site, You Tube and put in a name of one of our prestigious HOF's in the search tool and watched the first match that popped up under that performer's name. Here are the results:

1) Mankind v. Shawn Michaels (Extreme Rules)- 5

This starts out with a garbage spot, literally. A big plasticrolling garbage can was dumped all over Foley's head; wonder if hespotted his 3rd autobiography in there? Foley took a nasty suplex on ashitty announce table and had to have been all kinds of hurt. Michaelsthen dove off the apron with an absolutely crazy elbow drop that knocked both men in the floor. They tried to break the table, yet again, and failed, but they did succeed in furthering Foley's continuous neck problems by falling awkwardly on the wooden surface. The end of this match is the set up to DX forming, with HHH, Chyna and alumni Hall of Famer Rick Rude coming down to ringside. Rude obliterated Foley's already horrifying face with a chair shot and DX is born. This match wasn't really a match at all, it was like the beginnings of WWE's faux hardcore division except for a few of the spots in this one actually seemed inspired and didn't involve a trash can lid. I can't score it extremely high because not a damn bit of wrestling went on but both guys took some punishment that was well worth watching.

2) 2 Cold Scorpio v. Shane Douglas (A Matter of Respect- 05/14/96 ECW)-7

When I first clicked the video for this, I wasn't expectingmuch, I mean come on, It's the coke head Shane Douglas, but I'll bedamned if I wasn't surprised. This match started out with somewrestling, something Douglas needed some coaching on, but they wereplaying more of a one upsmanship game with both men giving really goodfacials. 2 Cold was an underrated heel. Their chemistry was evidentthen it went outside and Douglas executed a plancha that resembled adead body being thrown into the Boston Harbor by a mobster. After that, I wet myself because 2 Cold took an absolute sick ass Fangoria horror makeup Gunnar Hansen's a Girl Scout compared to this- slingshot suplex off the ropes onto the guardrail! It was by god one of the craziest guardrail spots I've ever seen and that's saying a lot. After that, they went into the normal ECW bad crowd brawl section and both men their wind back as fat asses in New Jack T's chanted "ECW" whileslurping on a stale Coke and wishing they knew how a girl's touch felt.Back at ringside, Douglas powerbombed 2 Cold on the concrete, kind ofstiffly. They brawled back inside and 2 Cold showed off his diplomafrom the Lance Storm School of How to Swing a Chair, meaning he did itlike a nutless stooge. He made up for it by hitting a back flip kick on the apron that looked better than any stunt in the last 2 Matrix movies. The finish was really awesome, Douglas and 2 cold fought for supremacy on the top rope which is 2 Cold's domain, but Douglas got the better and hit a bootyful Belly to Belly for the win.

3) Barry Windham v. Steve Austin (TV Title) - 3

Alright, my #1 pick Barry Windham, this should be good. Theyare working at a slow pace and Windham is using an armlock that looksmore painful to him seeing as how his wrist is tied up behind his ownarm. Strange. BAM! He does his car crash bump to the outside where his hip hits the ring apron and absolutely kills him. Austin is prettynimble back in the day, a far cry removed from his WWE main events ofsloppily punching and trading barbs with HHH about Vince's soggygrapefruits. Austin then works a bearhug....what a minute, what thefu... why is Austin working a bearhug... for 4 minutes? He's anythingbut a power wrestler and Windham looks like Baby Huey in Austin's arms.Windham belts out a few decent punches before a bullshit title beltfinish caps off this lame duck. Pretty disappointing, albeit not asdissapointing as the live action "Transformers" flick which sucked a lot of COCK!

4) Roddy Piper v. Shawn Michaels (1992)- 4

Another Michaels match. I never knew these two wrestled so thisshould be interesting. Sherri looks under Piper's kilt and laughs.Heenan laughs. Michaels laughs. Piper slaps her on the ass andMichaels gets pissed. Heenan laughs. Piper gets the crowd fired up and Michaels tries some over hand wrist lock thing that Piper reverses and uses the Piper Poke. I laugh. Gorilla laughs. Heenan laughs again. They do an awesome reversal pin out of an atomic drop that I've never seen before. Piper makes out with Sherri. Gorilla laughs. I vomit. Heenan is still fucking laughing. Piper makes some strange faces and sells like he was squirted with a water bottle when Michaels transitions into his false finish, that Piper blocks. Bret comes down the aisle and throws a wet towel into Piper, who looks utterly confused. Heenan laughs OUT FUCKING LOUD! Did the Joker spray some green gas through the ventilation in his dressing room? Piper get's DQ'd. Bret smiles. Gorilla complains. Sherri laughs. Michaels laughs. I say "what the fuck?" and Heenan won't stop laughing. I went to bed.

5)Jushin "Thunder" Lyger v. Samoa Joe (Bound for Glory 2006)- 3

I thought I missed this when it originally aired because the ppvcompany's feed went out. Now, I'm glad I did. This was short andawfully low impact. Joe actually worked a chinlock from the 5:30 mark to 7:30 in a 9 minute match. The end came after Lyger himself had justdone a superpowerbomb, which looked weak. You know how hard it wouldhave to be to make that move look weak? Well, it certainly happened.Lyger's palm thrusts were on, but he looked as uncomfortable in the sixsided ring as Michael Richards would at a 50 Cent concert. This reallymissed the mark and Tenay's shilling as a "dream match" felt forced andmade him look stuipder than his ridiculous monkey lips do already.

6)The Great Muta v. Jushin "Thunder" Lyger (10-20-96)- 5

Whoa, okay, I'm not really sure how to describe this match foranyone that hasn't seen it. It's kind of crazy, but not altogether in a good way. First, off Muta did his finest Larry Zybyzsko impression of stalling for long periods of time, but he went into the crowd and scared small Japanese fan boys out of their seats. They came back in and worked some classic shoulderblock stuff, then Lyger got his high flying advantage. Muta gets superpissed then piledrives Lyger through a ringside table and I feel like Muta had been studying some Memphis tapes because he's playing just like Lawler. Muta then just assaults Lyger with the table throwing at him on the outside. Then he starts tearing the mask off of him! Muta just seemed so pissed, but once the mask come off, Lyger was wearing Muta face paint underneath then went nuts and started tearing his entire suit off. He was completely tattooed up underneath and started beating Muta's ass like his name was Chuck Norris. They played hide and seek under the ring and then they both brought in weapons and it turned into a WWE hardcore schlock fest with Muta gaining the win after another table spot and his famous moonsault. This match was an oddity, and I have to give it an extra point just forhow bizarre it was.

7)Steve "Dr. Death" Williams & Terry "Bam Bam" Gordy v. SteinerBrothers(Beach Blast 92)-8

I love this match. We just watched UFC 74 (where Randy Couture defied the odds again)and this match had a feel like a UFC fight, whereas all 4 guys would go into sequences where they were jockeying forpositions, trying to out do each other, the patience and positioningmade this feel like a real fight. Doc and Gordy were stiff as all hell, stiffer than I remember. Even with submissions, when Gordy grabbed an ankle pick late in the match, he jerked all the way back and yanked on it like it was the last drumstick on Thanksgiving. He could have pulled Excalibur from the stone with the strength he used on Scott's leg. The story was the Steiners were the most dominating, destuctive team of all time, until Doc and Gordy showed up (in their black Japanese kimonos)and they absolutely beat the dogshit out of the Steiners until they could barely walk. The ending sequence was great and Rick Steiner played a better face in peril than his over roided brother and made an awesome comeback. They were rushing to get all their spots in for the finish, but it didn't deter me from being a huge fan of this shit. Both teams brought their sneers and snarls and neither team was going to back off an inch. Seek this out, it's for your own good.

8) Davey Boy Smith v. Owen Hart (night after Summerslam 96)- 4

This match took place in a very bouncy ring; I noticed both guyslanded awkwardly on several bumps and didn't look happy about it. Davey looked incredibly thin and younger, photographic evidence of his drug abuse. Davey had a great forearm but the shoestrings tied to his boots is reminiscent of streamers hanging from a little girls bike. Both guys seemed really comfortable with each other and what I saw of the match was quite solid. I was bombarded by a managerial war by Sunny & James E., who was sweating much like Sunny would later that night when having a slop pen 3-some with the Godwinns. They pulled off a great spot on the outside where Owen hit his Spin kick but Davey was obviously setting himself up for Sunny's coffee spot which was about as lame as anyone of Puff Daddy's 8 nicknames.

9) "Ravishing" Rick Rude v. "Gentleman" Chris Adams- 5

This is early in both men's careers yet Rude still had anaffinity for abstract tights, this particular pair was neon rainbowstriped, like the background for those Max Hedrome ads. I think I justdated myself. Anyways, Adams also was adorned with his own ghastlyaccessory, a massive mask that was supposed to be a nose protector, asRude had broken it previously. Rude was bumping all over the arena like a madman in a wild brawl and I liked his psych because he tried to fight back but sold it like Adams was just too incensed to feel it. Percy Pringle was at ringside and he actually wasn't 700 pounds of butter and grits, for once. They worked an extended chin lock sequence and Adams tried his superkick about 70 times, his only go to spot. By the end of the match when he finally hit it, it was more worn out than Madonna's wooly carpet which probably more resembles a doormat. You could tell by watching this that Rude would become a star and Adams would become a coked out gardener in his later years.

10) Bret "Hitman" Hart v. Will "Skitman" Sasso- 1

SOMETHING'S WRONG! (inside joke), no, something is seriouslywrong. This whole Youtube experiment just went drastically wrong whenthe first match that pops up under Bret "Hitman" Hart is one againstperennial un-funny man and fat ass Will Sasso. I can't believe this was even a match. Tony Schiavone sounded as enthusiastic as if he had just found out his grandmother was euthanized. Sasso took a good clothesline bump though and it was funny watching him hit the cement ground hard. Bret tried to hit him with a chair and the ugly skank from Mad TV, no not the pudgy white one from Scrubs, the skinny black club rat from the Sprite commercials took the chair away....then, a SWERVE! She hit Sasso with it: this has Russo's name written all over it. I can't believe this actually fucking happened. I'm truly sorry Bret, not that Goldberg kicked you in the head, not that Vince screwed you over, not that your brother died a very tragic death doing what he loved best, but that you had to lace up your boots to go fight a D-List canole stuffing comedy skit actor on prime time TV. We are all sorry.

Bonus match:Hey, everybody loves a Bonus! This was a match emailed to me by ourvery own webmaster Brian featuring 2 of the new HOF class members:

B) Barry Windham v. Keiji Mutoh- 5

I've seen this spot in another one of their matches, this longdrawn out headlock sequence and they work it like Necro takes garbagebumps, or Pavarotti hits a high note, or DeNiro puts the emphasis on the sharp "f" when he says "FUCK YOU!" in a great scene. The match is slow, but you can see that every move means something. Just because Muta misses a dropkick doesn't mean Windham hits 6 crazy power moves in a row, he punches Muta, and takes his time doing it. Windham has a great lariat, unless he slips like he did off the 2nd rope nearly. Muta finishes strong with a accurate moonsault and all the Japanese fans clap politely. I'm in the mood for shrimp all of a sudden.

1 comment:

Adam said...

If I had to watch the Bret/Sasso match, I'd euthanize Tony Schiavone on general principle.