Sunday, September 23, 2007

ECW Hardcore TV- 11/19/95

1) Buh Buh Ray Dudley v. Don E Allen/ The Bully- 1

Buh Buh, You're a God Damned Moron! He came parading out in a white top coat and hat, looking fatter than Pavaratti and destroyed two local boys. The Bully looked like he couldn't push around a 1st grader. 2 brutal powerbombs and we're moving on.

2) The Sandman/ 2 Cold Scorpio v. Public Enemy- 3

Here's an ECW original for ya: the Dance Off! Is Anyone else sick of this stupid tradition of cheap fan heat? While 2 Cold is argubly the best dancer to ever compete in one, Sandman is the worst, further pushing along Chris Rock's stand up routine of how much he hates white people and how they can't dance or play basket ball. Nancy Benoit, in an eerie moment, did the cabbage patch and who wouldn't give anything to know that she could still do that somewhere. Well, maybe we're better off….okay, I'll stop there. This was a sloppy match, feels repetitive saying that about ECW but some highlights were 2 Cold ripping the hand off of a fan's prostethic arm and checking Johnny Grunge's prostate in ring! Nancy was drilling PE with the kendo stick and looked like she knew how to handle hard wood. The end was pretty flat but it was kind of fun watching Sandman drunkenly stumble around the ring like the other 64 times I've seen it.

3) Mikey Whipwreck v. Steve Austin (ECW Title)- 3

Austin beat the man-child Whipwreck all around the ring and enjoyed every minute of it. He was deliciously ruthless in his ECW role and you could see that was a man who enjoyed his work. He got rolled up quick at the end, but took it out on Mikey. It was kind of a like a squash except the squashee got the win. It only gets points for the punishment Austin handed out and for his Fabio hair.

WWE Unforgiven 2007

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned by watching this pay-per-view.

1) C.M. Punk vs. Elijah Burke – 4
2) Matt Hardy & M.V.P vs. Deuce & Domino – 3
3) Triple H vs. Carlito (No DQ for Carlito only) – 3
4) Candice Michelle vs. Beth Phoenix – 3
5) The Great Khali vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Batista – 4
6) Paul London & Brian Kendrick vs. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch – 4
7) John Cena vs. Randy Orton – 2
8) The Undertaker vs. Mark Henry – 1

The Good:
- The opener with Punk and Burke was a decent bout. It’s a shame that a title that used to mean so much, that being the ECW Title, is now the match that curtain-jerks the pay-per-view. It was about was you would expect from them but it was faster paced than their match at Judgment Day. Quite possibly the match of the night.
- The women’s match was suprisingly good but was still your basic women’s bout. Beth Phoenix is a breath of fresh air in an otherwise stagnant division that has only three top contenders consisting of Melina, Beth Phoenix, and Mickie James. Candice is doing much better than I thought she would as the women’s champion but I still think Mickie James is by far tops in the women’s division.
- Batista’s new title reign is hopefully for only a short time until he loses it to either Undertaker or Rey Mysterio. Mysterio added to the triple threat and made it enjoyable to watch because if it had been another incarnation of Batista/Khali then I probably would’ve stabbed myself with a butter knife.

The Bad:
- Hardy did most of the work for his team in a match that roughly zero people cared about. Deuce & Domino got little to no reaction when they came out and that’s probably because they were hardly featured at all on TV during their title reign. The Hardy/M.V.P. feud is getting pretty stale really fast and I don’t see an end to it coming soon.
- Triple H squashed Carlito in a match were the stipulations were stacked against him. By doing this, he effectively killed any and all momentum that Carlito had going into it and now Carlito and his cheap-looking 70’s afro will have to start back from scratch.
- The Raw tag title match looked like the show stealer on paper but failed miserably. Maybe is was due to the fact that the show had been so wretched up to that point that no one gave a shit. I tried, I really tried to like it but I honestly don’t think they worked very well together. If it had been earlier on in the card, I may have liked it but I can’t think of one notable thing that happened.
- Cena vs. Orton was one of the worst title matches I’ve seen in a long time. It went less than ten minutes and ended in a DQ finish out of nowhere. Please, stop insulting my intelligence. Then, for added laughter and enjoyment, old man Cena comes out of the crowd and does one of the worst kicks I’ve ever seen. Afterwards, Coach announces a last man standing match at No Mercy and father and son go for tea.
- Finally, the main event was perhaps one of the worst matches ever. If they wanted the Undertaker to come back strong, then they would’ve had him win in a quick squash instead of a shitfest of a long, boring, snooze-fest of a match. Within the first five minutes of the match, they lost the crowd and never regained them. I saw a guy in the front row falling asleep. Screw this … Henry sucks.

Final Thoughts:
- You thought WrestleMania 2 was bad? Well, you need to watch this because this shows you just exactly how awful a pay-per-view can be when no one on the roster gives two halves of a fuck about anything. Punk vs. Burke was probably the best match on the show and everything else sucked ass. This is without a doubt the worst show of the year, if not the worst show in the last five years. This belongs down at the bottom of the barrel with WrestleMania 2, Heroes of Wrestling, and the UWF Beach Brawl pay-per-view as one of the worst ever.

Burger Kang #2

It’s been a long, tiring, and draining week. Thus, this edition of Burger Kang is notably smaller than they’ll usually be; but, I’m beat, and would rather lay leisurely in bed watching ’97-era Nation of Domination footage. Until next time, be like Kang, tip your taint tickler, and seek out all wrestling footage.

Kanemaru, Sugiura, and SUWA vs. KENTA, Low Ki, and Marvin – (NOAH 3/5/04) – 7

Maybe it’s due to this rib place I went to earlier having 25-cent draft beers with an entrée, but wow, I loved this match. And honestly, I don’t think it’s the alcohol talking, I think it was the superb wrestling. There’s nothing entirely new here, but everything is done with intensity and skill. KENTA really stole the show, just being incredibly stiff, really laying in shots and being seemingly up for anything, it’s always a treat to see Low Ki outside of the US, and in one spot, he leapfrogged a SUWA dropick, which blew my mind, and rounding out that team, Marvin is arguably the weak link, but he really doesn’t disappoint, if anything, it’s just that some of his more lucha-inspired offense looks weaker in comparison to other stuff. The heels are all also solid, I couldn’t say any one of them outshines another, but they’re rugged and not afraid to eat plenty of mega mean chops and kicks from their opponents. This would be a great match to show someone who’s never seen contemporary Japanese wrestling before; it’s quickly paced, action-packed, and stiffer then an Andre the Giant turd lying in a bathtub for weeks.

Jushin Liger vs. Tiger Mask – (NJPW 5/7/06) – 4

Liger’s wearing the black suit, so, he looks more pimp than Ice T sticking his shriveled nuts in a San Jose hooker’s styled hair. This match wasn’t complete, nor was it really that good. Tiger Mask does a 619, and honestly, I think Rey’s little son Dominic could pull it off nicer. This is just sub-level Liger. They do some garbage wrestling, and it just comes off terribly. Liger swings a chair, Tiger dodges, it “bounces” off the ropes, and Liger holds it awkwardly near his face until Tiger kicks it into his cranium. Tiger Mask does bleed, cutting off a portion of his mask, as well as some skin. Once the blood starts flowing, Liger turns into a different behemoth, after a snapmare he busts out some Robert Fuller punches to the wounded head of Tiger. They do the standard surprise roll-up finish to make it look like Tiger eked out a victory; afterwards, Liger beats up some of the local dojo boys, and then pulls off Tiger’s torn mask in spite.

Bill Dundee vs. Derrick King (Memphis Wrestling 1/20/07) – 2

This was touted as a “Bam Bam Bigelow tribute match”. Their shill guy announces the death of Bigelow, then invited Dundee down to reminisce the bald behemoth with the trunks adorned with flames and the cartwheel that weakened girls’ knees nationwide. Derrick King enters the picture, looking like a chubby Sisqo with bleached hair. After a hiptoss early King is begging off like he’s watched Flair footage since he was born in that alley behind the dumpster. King reaches into his trunks, grabs his withered cock, no, a foreign object of some sort, and blatantly uses it to strike Dundee a bunch while the referee watches on helplessly like the girls that Sir Oliver Humperdink used to hold down while Bigelow defecated on their blouses. King and the ref collide, and in the ensuring confusion, King hits Dundee with a savate kick. Some guy in a crushed velvet pimp suit tosses a title belt into the ring that King uses, getting himself disqualified. Not sure what purpose this served, it went three minutes tops, Dundee looked completely sad, and King wouldn’t be a ringleader even if he had fifteen years of tutelage under Butch Reed.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

WWE Unforgiven 2007

1 CM Punk v. Elijah Burke- 5
2 Matt Hardy/ MVP v. Deuce and Domino- 3
3 HHH v. Carlito- 3
4 Beth Phoniex v. Candice Michelle- 3
5 Great Khali v. Rey Mysterio v. Batista- 4
6 Cade & Murdoch v. London & Kendrick- 6
7 John Cena v. Randy Orton- 2
8 Undertaker v. Mark Henry- 2

I only feel compelled to write this review after much feedback I've read about the show. In recent days and weeks, WWE is undergoing something of a crisis. For one, the Benoit tragedy has subsequently forced a look into professional wrestling's much kept but completely obvious steroid secret. WWE's obviously failed Wellness Policy was enforced only due to the public eye being on it and has suspended at least 10 men, some of whom were involved in major roles on their TV. Then, you have injuries, with at least 5 major players being out due to that. Then, you have others who have threatened to quit or walk out due to various reasons, such as Ric Flair and Booker T. While WWE could manage without them, when you have such respected members of the wrestling community ready to jump off the ship, morally, that hurts. Then, you have Hornswaggle McMahon, the latest blunder in an ever increasing long line of mistakes WWE continually makes. If you look at the show, it was very angle-lite, meaning much of the PPV time was dedicated to in ring action. But, the matches we had before us were all very bad, well, not bad per se but quite average and that's a problem because no one is going that extra step. Okay, I'll step off my soapbox and talk about the matches themselves:

1- Punk v. Burke- a match we've seen countless times and it never gets any better. These two both have a load of potential but that load turns into a pile of you know what when they lock horns.

2- MVP/ Matt Hardy v. Deuce and Domino- Neither team has any longevity and this match was simply on to further the US title feud which is nice to see something get some build to it. Hopefully, it culminates in Matt getting a long awaited singles belt run because he's most certainly earned it.

3- HHH v. Carlito- Carlito is becoming a joke and his hair looks stupider now than it did before, if that's even possible. HHH completely obliterated him and continued to devaluate other talent that needs a win more than he does.

4- Women's match- this was a one sided match with a good finish that leaves the gates wide open for a rematch. Smart booking and Candice took some decent punishment

5- World Title Match- Khali needed to lose the title- it was a surprise for Batista to win it and it's fine to be surprised once in a while in WWE. Rey took a lot of punishment to try and help this one.

6- Tag Title- these two teams match up quite well and London and Kendrick have broken themselves numerous times to help get tag team wrestling back over, despite WWE's kill-kill-kill attitude towards it.

7- WWE Title- this match was a blowoff for the final installment in this trilogy and was an insult to be put on PPV> they usually relegate this kind of match for Raw and I'm certainly glad I didn' t pay $40 for this show, although the 4.50 piece of cake I had is a little high.

8- Taker's return- Everyone knows how immobile and lethargic Henry is and his lack of creativity showed when he kept trying to do a simple splash out of lack of having any other moves in his repertoire. But, as Brian pointed out, WWE had way too much stock in Taker and he simply can't carry these big, talentless oafs anymore and put out a good product. That was completely evident in this horrid excuse for a Pay Per View Main Event.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Performer Analysis: Steiner Brothers

I chose to use the mulitcolored letters for this analysis in tribute of the ridiculous tights they wore for most of their career. The Steiner Brothers are former 2 time WWF Tag Team Champions, 2 time former IWGP Tag Team Champions, former NWA Tag Team champions and former 6 time WCW Tag Team Champions, and have also won several other regional and independent tag titles throughout their career. They are synonomous with tag team wrestling, but this analysis is not a team sport. Each man will be graded based upon their career and own individual talents. And there will be a drug test immediately following. Scott, where are you going? Come back…..

1) Innovation- 10(Scott)/ 8(Rick)
The Steiner Brothers came together as a team around the end of 1988 and ever since dominated the tag team landscape. They revolutionized (and that's a word thrown around loosely in wrestling) tag team maneuvers and what a team could be capable of. When I was a child, I had a wrestling magazine and the cover story was people who had wrestled the Steiners claiming it felt like being in a car crash. They used simple amateur wrestling moves, devastating suplexes and new, never before seen moves in the states to absolutely crush their opponents. Both men get credit for their innovative style, but Scott racks up extra points for introducing the Frankensteiner, one of the most popular moves of the last 20 years. He also came up with several other devastating moves, like the Steiner Screwdriver and the double team bulldog and belly to belly.

2) Conditioning- 4(Scott)/ 6(Rick)
Both men in the prime of their career were built like the proverbial brick shit house and could tear it down in great matches. They both had excellent stamina for men their size, but in the last 10 years or so, both men have been plauged with injuries, namely Scott. Steiner has had some life and career threatening injuries and most of them due, ( to any one with the common sense of sight) to steroid abuse. Steiner boasts the largest arms in wrestling (sorry, Hulk) and has constantly since been on the DL. His body is nearly immobile now and his conditioning is in every wrestling geek's punchline. In some ways, Scott is a pathetic shell of the competitor he once was. Rick, hasn't fared much better. He's looking quite awful in his own right, out of shape and completely gassed in matches less than 10 minutes. I'm sure he's shared a needle or two from his little bro.

3) Skill- 6(Scott)/ 6 (Rick)
Nothing but the last 3 years could have dropped these once great athletes to much below a 9 in my eyes. Not only were they the most astounding tag team of the 90's, but they were individually two of the best singles in the world, often times either wrestling for or winning singles belts during tag team runs. But, Scott, ever since his WWE stint has looked worse than a Test- trainee. He often uses the same sloppy suplexes over and over again, as does Rick. Scott recently started doing his frankensteiner again, but has experienced near death trying it. I can never take away their legacy as a team and wouldn't want to, but they are from my favorite people to watch in the ring these days. Neither man takes many bumps in the ring either and their pace is always in one speed: slow.

4) Psychology- 7(Scott)/6(Rick)
Scott can still rile up a crowd, it's something he does very well. He loses a lot of momentum in the ring though with his near extinction pace. Rick has the ability to hit a big move that has a lot of impact because, well frankly, it seems as if he doesn't care about the well being of his opponent. Neither man uses facials very effectively, never have but Rick still has a great stomach sell. I have to give Scott just a little bit of an edge because Rick always seems to be looking straight ahead, not looking at the crowd, or giving any kind of reaction anymore. That's the kind of things that loses your audience.

5) Interviews- 8( Scott)/ 6 (Rick)
Scott is a censor's worst nightmare; he is known to say anything that comes to head, especially if it's on live TV. His unpredictability makes him very fun to watch and his style is very much centered around that. Rick uses the same beaten catchphrases every interview and damn it gets old. Rick used to have great material, playing the dumb happy go lucky guy early in his career, doing the Perry Saturn gimmick where he would say anything that came to his mind. Now, I wish he would not talk at all. Scott lets his emotions control where the interview will go and that's the most exciting thing about him now, something WWE stifled and got nothing out of him for 2 years.

6) Character- 8(Scott)/ 4( Rick)
The Big Bad Booty Daddy; Freakzilla; Steiner still oozes charisma and it's the right kind and the fans eat it up. He's a natural fit for the guy the TV station doesn't want on it's program and the kind of guy no one wants to get in the ring with. He's a little toned down now that he's getting more and more beat up and broken, but at one time, Scott was liable to do anything, in and out of the ring. He was arrested once after a Nitro for beating the hell out of an EMT he believed to be a plant, but he didn't care one bit. Rick, on the other hand, is the Dog Faced Gremlin, now what that has ever meant, beats the hell out of me. He's one ugly dude I know that, and he's a suplex machine, but other than that, there is no character. Rick doesn't exude charisma, he even looks quite tired before most of his matches. He just doesn't have that fire he used to.

7) Basics- 6(Scott)/ 7(Rick)

Both men were collegiate athletes at the University of Michigan, Scott being an All American finishing second in his Big Ten conference. Rick was also a great amateur wrestler so that knowledge is there. They used that style to their advantage for years in tag team wrestling, often implementing the techniques into suplexes and using basic wrestling holds to diminsh an opponent and they used them as a bullying technique. As I've said so many times already, the need for that has dropped dramatically, no fault of the Steiners, but they haven't shown much evidence in recent years. Rick has the slight edge because he was better trained in how to make those skills translate into basica wrestlings holds and how to work them into a match. Plus his punches are a lot better than Scott's.

8) Fans- 8(Scott)/6(Rick)
Both Steiner Brothers are crowd favorites, especially together as a team, as they are now in TNA. But, Scott was the one who broke out into a major singles star with his n.W.o. run while Rick dropped in and out of angles and on screen competition. It helped Scott become a very recognizable star, which I'm sure helped him get his position in WWE. The fans erupt for Scott's promos because as I've said the guy is lit dynamite on the stick and the fans know what to expect, which is anything. Rick has lost a lot of steam in recent years and while still mildly popular, he hasn't added anything to his wrestling personality so there's no extra reason to want to see him.

9) Feuds/ Opponents- 10(Scott)/ 10(Rick)
As they read aloud on TNA Impact recently, the Steiner Brothers have fought and feuded with the best teams the world of wrestling has ever seen; names like the Road Warriors, the Nasty Boys, Midnight Express, Doom, Miracle Violence Combo, the Hart Brothers, Money Inc, Team 3-D, The Freebirds, Harlem Heat, you name them and the Steiners have come up against them. Not to mention that but both men have had numerous World Title Shots in both promotions, against the likes of Ric Flair, Sting, Lex Luger, Goldberg, and HHH. There is no shortage of stars they have run up against and no doubt they have battled the best in the world for the last fifteen years.

10) Gutcheck- 4(Scott)/ 3 (Rick)
In an industry they once ruled, the Steiner Brothers are nearly obsolete. Both men gave tremendous runs earlier in their careers, but towards 1998 when the n.W.o blew up to an outrageous amount of members, Scott started suffering mysterious injuries and became a massive muscle machine. Rick was off and on the sidelines for various reasons and neither man ever seemed to bring it anymore. I'd say it was more a lack of motivation from both men. Sure Scott was on a big run at the end of WCW, but go back and take a look at those performances and tell me he wasn't bringing a stamped envelope to the ring and I'll slap you and tell you you're a moron. Now, in recent years, we've only seen either man when the money calls them back to the squared circle and never for very long and for nothing very good. Personally, I'll never forget their legacy and I love watching old Steiner Brother matches, but in the current state of things, I pretty much despise seeing them on my wrestling programs. Both men have abused substances to get ahead (Scott's whole character seems based on that premise) and they both look the worse for wear for it now. I gave Scott an extra point for fighting back from a near death tragedy in Puerto Rico where he received his huge back scar. Wonder if a needle would fit into it?

Total: 71 (Scott)/ 62 (Rick)
Ranking: Superstar (both men)
PO: 89-93 (Thumbs Up) 93-current (Thumbs Down)

JCW SlamTV! #5

1. O'Doyle and Rob Rizon vs. Lether Face and Jayson Vorheese - 2
2. Necro Butcher and Mad Man Pondo vs. Cpl. Robinson and 2-Tuff Tony – 3

Never before did I think I’d miss the days of Jason the Terrible and Leatherface of WING fame, but, the duo of Lether Face and Jayson Vorheese certainly makes me nostalgic for the aforementioned guys. These two couldn’t even afford decent costumes to pull off their mediocre renditions of horror icons. Jayson’s wearing a crummy mask that looks like a prepubescent teen’s handmade Jason X tribute and an old thrift store flannel, and Lether Face is sporting an afro and more white than Antarctica. The only props I can honestly dish out are Jayson for a credible-looking brainbuster, and to say their double chokeslam was a tad better than Kronic’s.

The main event tag was probably the best thing I’ve seen thus far of JCW, but still only warranted a low grade in the end. Granted, there were a lot of nasty bumps, including some sick ones executed on steel chairs, a suplex onto the entrance ramp, some barbwire baseball bat fun, and use of an utterly unbreakable table.

My real big problem with JCW is credibility. If you turned the audio off and just watched the matches, or hired decent help, you could take the wrestling somewhat seriously, regardless of how bad it generally is. But, the Insane Clown Posse do the announcing, and thoroughly bury most of their own talent, and make a mockery of the industry. I shit you not when I say that every single backyard federation I’ve seen, and trust me, I hate to admit just how many I have witnessed, does more to preserve kayfabe than JCW, and the blame solely rests on the shoulders of ICP. They constantly refer to things being either fake or real, make fun of competitors, call attention to blown spots, are gratuitously vulgar, shamelessly self-promote, etc. In the end, I actually feel bad for the workers; guys who legitimately hurt themselves for meager pay, only to have two assholes do offensive commentary over their work, unabashedly ridiculing it.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

No Prom Date #2

"They're so alone, out there in the cold, With a rented tuxedo and some rest holds, The limos drive by, filled with booze and prom queens, I walk back home to watch some Kevin Steen.
No--Prom---Date, ooh ah (Ed Michaels, your influence will always live on in this article)

1) Tommy Dreamer v. D-Von Dudley (Monday Night Raw, '97)- 2

D-von looks like the ultimate indy moron; I always hated those Dudley tights. Dreamer could effectively throw a right hand and tries to get all spotty on Raw to impress Vince. The match doesn't last long and Paul E. hypes it like he sold his soul to the devil to get ECW over. Sandman comes in for a cane shot party and looks quite youthful with his ratty, tousled short-mullet. Oh, how strange he looks now that alcohol has dried out his skin.

2) Ultimate Warrior v. Bobby Heenan (Weasel Suit Match)- 2

I think I reviewed this before, on the Warrior DVD. Oh well, it's just as funny here. Heenan's body looks like a bowling pin. His dutch boy haircut was bouncing everywhere as Warrior chased him around the ring. Heenan sells a clothesline like a champ though. This was short and putting the weasel suit on him was so exposing to the business because Heenan had to help him put it on. The claws on the end of it were high end kindergarden stuff.

3) Sheepherders/ Jack Victory v. The Fantastics/ Terry Taylor (Barb Wire Cage)- 4

The cage itself looked like an inept business man's weekend project of building a place to hold his blonde prostitutes. It was shoddy to say the least. The Fantastics impressed me a lot, Rogers with his awesome, street fight survival punching and Fulton by loving to shred his skin with the wire. The Sheepherders, minus head licking, still look like drunk clam fisherman in the ring, and they no sell absolutely everything. People were bumping into each other like they were on a subway and the whole match was like a meandering brawl. Taylor blades right in front of the camera and still no one cares. Terry Taylor has cancer and still no one cares. The finish was botched, by Victory and we have a feud ended. Jim Ross was pretty good on commentary though.

4) King Kong Bundy v. Mr. Wrestling II- 3

not sure where this was from- Mid South I think. Wrestling II was really spry, bouncing around like a baby kangaroo. He played a walking dead man really well, and made Raven's kneelifts look like Gumby having sex. They quickened the pace at the end and Bundy hit a organ liquifying powerslam for the win. OUCH.

5) King Kong Bundy v. Mabel (Over the top rope Match; Monday Night Raw 01/30/95)- 0

This was short, and awfully boring. They tussled with each other like they were two walruses trying to swallow the last perch scraps. Bundy looked like the shrunken head from Beetlejuice. Crowd really didn't care about this.

6) Ultimate Warrior/ Jake "the Snake" Roberts v. Ted Dibiase/ Akeem- 6

The crowd was coming unglued for the faces entrance. Not sure of the location, but they were hot for this one. Dibiase early on took a nasty bump, shoulder and neck first into the turnbuckle; pretty cool way to take it. Snake and Dibiase worked the majority of the match together and it was fluid viscosity, Snake is really good at selling the precise point on his body that aches into deep pain. Warrior came in for a flash and the crowd blew up; Akeem sold big for him too. This was a really fun match, like watching a Colisuem Home Video from my youth, wrapped up in a Turtles blanket on the floor, eating a Nutty Buddy and drinking some milk.

7) Jon Moxley v. BJ Whitmer (02-31-07 as posted by HWA's webmaster- since when did Feb. jump up to 31 days- stupid fuck)- 4

Moxley looks like the pothead neighbor that lives next door to your grandparents and has a van with those Grateful Dead Bears plastered all over the bumper. BJ's trunks had the Budweiser logo on them, I guess he just turned of age that week and was proud, although the kid's got more acne than a whole Junior High Band. They started out slow, lots of hammerlocks and such and both men were trying to establish a pace. It was working nicely but Moxley started bouncing around the ring like Pinky, "can we take over the world tonight, huh, Brain?" " can we start doing our signature moves now, BJ? Huh, can we please, can I do this backbreaker move I saw on a AAA tape last week? Please!" They pulled off a pretty sweet superplex and I loved BJ's sell of the back of his head, even though he was the one who did the move. Interference by 5 or 6 regional puss-sacks ended a pretty basic but fun encounter.

8) Necro Butcher v. Abdullah the Butcher (their 1st match)- 1

This was a young Necro, who still had hair, some stupid goth makeup, and the same lame heavy metal t-shirt that comes standard with your first indy heel run. Necro was taking some nasty spills and definitley over selling for Abby. You could tell he wasn't used to it. He brought nothing new to the table and just followed along, like watching his kids at a playground, pulling his fork out and jabbing Necro in the face (Oh god no, I didn' t mean to insinuate that Abby does that to his kids) but, this was pretty boring and featured your usual blood, but nothing great.

9) Jack Evans v. Trik Davis- 1

This was a ROH dark match. Trik was your normal pleather wearing 14 year old with no muscle definition trying to use another variation of the Stroke. Less than a minute in, Evans pulls off a 450 splash to the outside? Where did that come from? He hits a Giselle-looking dropkick after that. Trik goes on offense and really tries to show his backyard fed that he's made it. This was shorter than Trik's first time, with a raver who had her nose, ears, eyelids, underarms, side boob, nipples, belly button, clitoris and kneecaps pierced.

10) Syxx v. Rey Mysterio jr.- 4

Syxx is a good heel on defense. He eats everything really well and builds Rey to a good comeback. Nash makes googy eyes on the outside with bad dye job #345. Syxx has problems applying an abdominal stretch, much like he has problems applying Trojans while he makes bad porn tapes with hermaphrodites. Rey hits his completely phat-ass, completely WCW Hurricanrana and Syxx flops like an electrocuted fish. Nash comes in for his obligatory interference spot and this loses points. Crappy ending to exciting match.

11) Takeshi Morishima v. Vader- 5

This is a younger, thinner Morishima with shorter hair. Looks like a teenage Manga fangirl, but he throws a mean elbow. Vader gives as good as he gets. He doesn't even wait for the bell to rip off his mask. Vader eats a great lariat. They're just brawling, Vader completely mauls him with a tackle and I faintly remember why he was so feared back in the early 90's. Morishima is a great bumper; Vader crumples him with a devastating chokeslam for the win. This was short and exquistely painful.

12) Davey Richards v. Laramie Lexow (02/25/06)- 4

Richards is quick and confident and his opponent is begging for a new gimmick and something less visually distracting than glowing green wrestling shorts. Richards just out schools him and makes himself look very viable as a technical wrestler. He's working a lot of transitions on the mat and it's wonderful. Lexow (how the hell do you pronounce this?) throws some late night kung fu kicks that are as choreographed as a Tchiakosvky ballet. Richards looks crisper than Pannini bread and hits a back kick and a backcracker that are deliciously devastating. Lexow lets out his inner Bulldog and stomps the mat like he's in Sunday revival as he throws his strikes. Stomp that foot! Praise Jesus! Telegraph your punches, ahh, like it said in the Bible, ahh, in the light, ahh, in the name, ahh, in the power of God's son and Davey,ahhh, Boy Smith, ahh, roasting in hell right now, ahh….too far?
Meanwhile, back to the match, Richards hits a superplex that folds them both like beach chairs. Richards sells the back of his head well then gets up and breaks this sucker's neck with an Angel's wings that would turn Christopher Daniels into a drug-induced serial rapist. Not too bad for indy schlock, match went way too long at over 17 minutes though.

13)Shinya Hashimoto v. Masato Tanaka (02-03-02, Zero One)- 6

I loved the way this match started: Tanaka took Hash's title belt and punted it like it was a 47 yd field goal, then Hash absolutely demolished Tanaka. They built this match around Tanaka being able to take tremendous amounts of punishment and Hash being able to give brutal beatings. Hash did a mushroom stomp from the apron to Tanaka and fell face first into the guard rail. Too much sake, I guess. Tanaka tries working a body part, but seems uncomfortable doing it. Everything Hash does has a purpose, he's definitley not working by the hour,but he is a stiff, shit kicking assailant who love kicking the ever loving piss and vinegar out of worker- BY THE RED MOON IN CHINA AND ALL THAT IS HOLY ABOUT LOVING BRUTAL JAPANESE WHORES, HASH IS THE STIFFEST FUCKING HUMAN EVER CREATED! He wails and wails on Tanaka with kicks like that really awesome of Lost, season one where Jack just beats on Charlie's chest over and over again trying to revive him; Man, that's a great show. Anyways, Hash finished the match making Tanaka, who's one tough, tough strangely tanned bastard look like a little girl. BRAINBUSTER! Damn. Haven't seen Tanaka since and now I know why. Brutal beatings for all tough men named Tanaka. Cool match.

14) Stan Hansen v. Curt Henning- 3

Hansen is paler than Carrot Top. Henning flops around and tries to corral Hansen like a cross eyed steer. He's just stomping around the ring like he's off his meds. Henning sells his ass off and Hansen drops some cool knees to the stomach. Both men are vehemently confused as they blow the ending.

15) Jeff Hardy/ X-Pac v. Rob Van Dam/ Billy Kidman- 4

Hardy and Kidman have really good chemistry, but Kidman was still dressed like an awkward teenager with his really high cut shorts. Hardy wears a hat during the match. It's purple and matches his tights because if nothing else, you must accessorize! This is going a hundred miles an hour and no one has more than 3 seconds to sell anything. It's all high impact and some really bad rope running, a little watched skill. When done badly it sticks out, and Hardy and RVD especially are acting as if it has chylmidia on it (like they haven't had that already.) Cool false finish then RVD uses the Johnny Cage split leg punch to block X-Factor- that was neat. This was fun to watch, in the vein of a Road Runner cartoon.

16) Demolition v. Andre the Giant/ Giant Baba- 3

Most of this match was Demolition pounding Andre's back and not letting him up. Eventually Smash went to the ground with him and Andre did the coolest rolling armbar to reach his corner for the tage- it was bloody awesome! Never seen it before, especially not from someone like him. Then Baba got in, hit a bad ass swinging neckbreaker that would make Wayne Ferris split his lip, then he just sold a hundred punches like he had something in his eye.

17) Averno/ Mephisto v. Blue Panter/ Mistico (CMLL 02/01/06)- 6

I had heard about Mistico for a while but never seen his work; take my word, he's the real deal. He's in really good shape, he actually has muscle for a Luchadore and he was bumping his ass off, taking crete bumps all through out the match. The heels were really good in this too, using some great double teams and classic heel stuff like holding the ropes open for Mistico to get back in the ring then kicking the ropes on his Juevos. Panther was kind of a non issue in this; he's old but he didn't really get in the way. Mistico wrestles like an X-Division guy but makes it look so much better. Awesome tornado armbar wins the match and I'm doubly impressed.

The Most Powerful Families of Wrestling DVD - Disc 2

1) Bob Orton Sr. & Bob Orton Jr. vs. Jeff Ports & Rocky Smith - 4
Florida is quickly becoming one of my favorite territories to watch. This match was pretty typical of any promotion of the time with top name guys going against low-card or no-name guys. Bob Roop did guest commentary for the bouts and compared Ports to Billy Robinson. I find that rather laughable because I saw a Robinson match from late-70s AWA last year that made this look terrible. The Ortons won ... as if you couldn't have guessed.

2) Kevin Von Erich, Kerry Von Erich, & David Von Erich vs. Wild Bill Irwin, Frank Dusek, & Ten Gu – 4
Glad to see some World Class made it on here. This was a rather unique six-man tag because it featured two rings. The rules were two guys would fight per ring and the odd men out would stand on the apron between the rings and could tag in at any time in any ring. The action was hard to follow at times but the concept was very original. Again, the outcome was slightly predictable with the Von Erich’s coming out on top.

3) Blackjack Mulligan & Blackjack Mulligan Jr. vs. Ricky Harris & Jim Nelson – 4
What’s with the squash matches! This bout was preceded by an three-minute long and pretty damn boring interview from both Mulligans by Bob Caudle. Mulligan Jr. is a very young Barry Windham. The match was nothing memorable and was yet another squash match.

4) Jack & Gerald Brisco vs. Ricky Steamboat & Jay Youngblood – 6
This is some classic shit right here. For those of you who only remember Gerald Brisco from his stint as a McMahon lackey in the late-90’s, the you’re missing out. This was a big moment in the careers of Steamboat and Youngblood who were the eventual victors. This featured classic chain wrestling and is an essential match for anyone who wants to see what classic tag team wrestling looks like.

5) Hector, Chavo, & Mando Guerrero vs. Mike Enos, Krusher Krugnoff, & Tom Burton – 5
This was basically a showcase match for the Guerreros. The only notable name from the opposition is Mike Enos would would go on to have a decent career in both WWF and WCW. This ran a little bit long but was ahead of its time for the moves presented from the Guerreros. Still, a suprisingly decent match, especially for late-80s AWA.

6) Bret, Owen, Keith, & Bruce Hart vs. Shawn Michaels & The Knights – Elimination Match – 5
What’s up with all these pre-match interviews? We get Ray Combs interviewing the Harts since this is apparently a “family feud” match. Then, the highly annoying Todd Pettengill interviews Michaels, and then Combs is back to do extended ring intros. Michaels is a sub for Jerry Lawler, who was apparently engaging in promiscuous activites, and the Knights and Greg Valentine, Barry Horowitz, and Jeff Gaylord. The match itself was really nothing of note and only served to plant the seeds for the Bret/Owen fued that would last through the summer of 1994.

7) Dusty Rhodes & Dustin Rhodes vs. Terry Funk & Bunkhouse Buck – 5
The crowd was hot for Dusty. It was pretty cool to see Dusty and Funk lock up but that was about the only good quality here. This was a set-up for the Fall Brawl 94 main event and featured Arn Anderson running in and Meng no-selling a chair shot. The hot crowd helped the bout tremendously otherwise the score would’ve been shit.

8) Terry Funk & Dory Funk Jr. vs. The Public Enemy – 3
Typical early ECW brawl with one camera angle and Joey Styles doing voice-over commentary. To my knowledge, this was the first time Terry and Dory teamed up since they were in the WWF in the mid-80s. There was sloppy brawling, sloppy chair shots, sloppy spots, but thankfully, at least to my knowledge, no sloppy seconds.

9) Rocky Maivia vs. The Sultan – 5
I bet you’re thinking the same thing … what in the world is this doing on here? Well, before you start pulling your hair out, allow me to elaborate on this hidden gem. Granted, this didn’t get a recommended rating (6 or above), this was still a damn fun match. It’s not everyday you get to see a Sultan. Anyway, Rocky wins from out of nowhere and then gets a three-on-one beatdown from Sheik, Sultan, and Backlund. Then comes Rocky Johnson (Maivia’s dad) to clean house with his son and save the day. Now that you know why this is on here, let’s move on.

10) Jerry Lawler & Brian Christopher vs. Ivan & Scott Putski – 4
The youngsters did most of the work here … actually, to be honest, Ivan didn’t do shit until the end when he came in to score the pin. Other than that, nothing of note.

11) Eddie & Chavo Guerrero vs. Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas – 6
Again the Guerreros are featured, this time in a fun tag match from a long-forgotten Smackdown episode. While pretty standard for the time, this gets a recommended rating mainly because the tag team division on both brands are pretty much dead right now. This was also Chavo’s return from a bicep injury. The Guerreros win the belts but would eventually lose them to the Bashams.

12) Randy Orton vs. The Undertaker – 6
The story of this one is Orton wanting revenge on Taker for beating him at WrestleMania 21. A solid contest but a run-in from Bob Orton, dressed in disguise as a fan, and the fact that this feud ran for damn near a year prevented any higher scoring.

Aside from the rareness of the matches on here, I can’t really say that you should go out of your way to get this. There were some good and some bad matches but nothing that can’t be found with a little digging on the internet. The only thing that would really warrant this purchase would be the Briscoes vs. Steamboat/Youngblood match. The main feature really wasn’t that great either. Basically, this is one DVD that can be skipped.

The Most Powerful Families of Wrestling DVD - Disc 1

The documentary is about what you would expect, which is brief biographies on families such as the Ortons, McMahons, Harts, Von Erichs, Guerreros, Funks, Gagnes, and others. What … you’re expecting me to talk more about it? Well, there is really much else left to tell. Onto the bonus matches!

1) “High Chief” Peter Maivia & Chief Jay Strongbow vs. Ali Baba & Baron Mikel Scicluna – 3
Ali Baba looked like he took a break from sucking camels in the desert to sucking in the ring. The heels use hidden foreign objects to gain the advantage throughout the match. Scicluna looked pissed … or he was constipated. I heard that happens when you get old. Strongbow and Maivia win. The match itself was shit but gets a bonus point for just being old as shit.

2) Curt Hennig vs. Greg Gagne – 4
Sweet … some AWA made it on here! Wait … it’s clipped. Shit. Anyway, what was shown looked pretty formidable. The finish saw the fathers, Larry Hennig and Verne Gagne, get involved. Gagne wins the AWA Title that his father once held. It only makes sense because Verne runs the company! The score is based on what was presented. I would’ve like to have seen the whole thing because it looked good.

3) The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers vs. The Bushwhackers – 3
I haven’t seen this much stalling since the last time I took a piss in the bathroom at work. I never liked the Bushwhackers and I never will. I’m not sure exactly how they’re supposed to entertain me but they’re not. The Rougeaus controlled most of the match, which is good because I think I would’ve killed myself if the Bushwhackers were in control. The Rougeaus win after about twelve minutes of blah. Typical Bushwhackers match which means there is nothing to see.

4) Barry Windham & Kendall Windham vs. Michael Hayes & Lex Luger - 4
This was pretty much a typical TV match from 1989 NWA, which means it was nothing special. To be honest, I can't really remember anything that happened. The finish saw Hayes turn on Luger for reasons unknown to me.

WWE New Year’s Revolution ‘06

1. Edge vs. Ric Flair – 4
2. Trish Status vs. Mickie James – 4
3. Gregory Helms vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler – 5
4. Triple H vs. Big Show – 5
5. Shelton Benjamin vs. Viscera – 2
6. Maria vs. Candace Michelle vs. Torrie Wilson vs. Victoria vs. Ashley – Bra & Panties Gauntlet Match – 2
7. Kane vs. Chris Masters vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Kurt Angle vs. Carlito vs. John Cena – Elimination Chamber – 7
8. John Cena vs. Edge – 3

Edge and Flair told the story of Edge not being in control of his aggression; so, he basically went ballistic on Flair’s leathery skin for a while, before eventually being disqualified. Flair bled, helping sell the scenario, and while it wasn’t classic wrestling, he helped Edge’s credibility as a burgeoning heel. Trish and Mickie had a pretty decent match; with the exception of a couple botches it was relatively inoffensive. They were working the sly insinuation that Mickie was a lesbian, but not quite yet in Trish’s league. On paper, I was slightly mortified at the prospect of Lawler and Helms, but rather enjoyed it in actuality. They didn’t get ahead of themselves, kept it simple but satisfactory, and Lawler’s fist drop to score the victory was a treat.

Triple H and Big Show worked for over 16 minutes in the middle of the card, in a sort of oddly placed, but ultimately adequate bout. Show was working an injury angle, wearing this gigantic cast, which looked like some middle school student’s papier-mâché art project. So, the story was focused around Triple H methodically destroying the hand, with Show’s selling of it and portrayal of the pain pretty believable. Show also dished out some severe chops. There was a ref bump, allowing Triple H to use a sledgehammer, than a patented Pedigree for the win. I like that they kept Show strong, as even when he was hurt, Triple H still had to go all out to score a cheapened victory. Shelton and Viscera was pretty much awful. Right off the bat, Shelton looked lost, and the only redeemable thing he did throughout was absolutely drill Viscera in the face with a kneelift at one point. I really hated the finish; it’s a small thing, but I noticed Viscera, who was supposed to be incapacitated after being hit with a loaded purse, adjusting his shirt right before he was pinned, leading me to ask, if he’s conscious enough to be worried about fashion, shouldn’t he be capable of at least making an attempt at kicking out?

The women’s debacle at first wasn’t without some merit, as the beginning stages saw, if nothing else, some decent flourishes of barely clothed bimbos. To quote my boy Guy Fieri, this was “out of bounds!” Then, Mae Young’s decrepit old ass hobbled to ringside, took off her clothes randomly, and sickened my stomach immediately. How many times must they embarrass this old lady? In the beginning, they actually worked some subtle psychology into the affair, but by the end, Ashley was the last to enter and simply stripped Victoria within seconds of entering the match, thus anticlimactically ending this mess.

Out of the several Elimination Chamber matches they’ve done, I’d have to argue that this is the best of the batch. It went nearly a half-hour, it kept me intrigued throughout. Michaels and Cena started it, next in was Carlito, followed by Kurt Angle. Angle came in hot, dumping Michaels over the top rope with a release German suplex onto the steel grating. He tried unsuccessfully to do the same to Carlito, but didn’t get as a good a lift, as Carlito’s head hit the top rope on the way over, in an unsightly botch. Masters entered next, with tons of energy, looking more motivated than I’ve ever seen him. Michaels’ becomes a bloody mess, and later, Cena juices as well. I won’t detail all the eliminations, but they were largely unobjectionable, save perhaps for Angle being the first out. I’d have given another point had the finish been different; Carlito got a cheap roll-up to eliminate Masters, then directly after, Cena rolled up Carlito to win. It happened so fast that it lessened the ending’s impact, and I feel the image of a bloodied Cena hitting his usual finisher the FU would have been a stronger way to end it. But, they wanted to go the route that he eked out the victory. Which, ultimately makes what happened next make more sense, as directly after, the scheming vulture Edge ran out and beat Cena after two consecutive spears. I gave it points because it was a good twist, and, the crowd really reacted strongly to it, just going nuts like the boys in the ECW locker room would when Francine got really drunk and lost what little inhibitions she had.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

WWF House Show @ L.A. Sports Arena (12/17/88)

1) Lanny Poffo v. Boris Zhukov- 6

I can't believe it either, but this was a really well worked match. Boris tried to over power the "Leaping" one for the first part, but he was too fast. Then, Poffo went to work on the half ugly, half retarded Ruskie, just tearing his leg apart. This went on for a good 6 to 7 minutes and Poffo was relentless. Zhukov sold the pain really well too and it was really refreshing to watch such a succint and simple scientific encounter and it worked and kept my interest. The Russian won, I think, after a long and hard fought match.

2) Tito Santana v. Greg Valentine- 8

AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRIBA! What a fucking war this was! These two just beat the holy hell out of each other. The brutal pounding each guy took was just tremendous; fuck, I needed a painkiller after this one. Santana's punches and knees were as real as anything in UFC and Valentine's chops and elbows made Tito's chest redder than the inside of Stephanie's lovehole on the 30th of each month. They built this great story of who was going to give first due to insane amounts of ass beating, then they started on the figure fours as Valentine struggled to put his on, but Tito would have none of it, then he fought to get his on. Neither man budged an inch and a 20 min. draw was the only way to settle this thing. Awesome show. This easily could have main evented a ROH show current.

3) Jim Powers v. Bad News Brown- 3

Long squashes that go nowhere are the worst kind of match. You see the match start and you're like "Oh, Jim Powers, he's going to last all of 15 seconds in there" then he starts mounting a comeback and kicking ass and you're like "wow, he's hanging in there" then 5 minutes go by and Bad News starts his slow offense and you say "Okay, he's going to finish him off any minute now," and then 8 minutes go by and Bad News is working a chin lock and you say " FINISH THIS FUCKING POOF HAIRED IDIOT, YOU LAZY SACK OF EXCREMENT!" You completely lose your audience because they know this match should have already been over but it's not. And that's fine if you're Ric Flair, but you're Bad News fucking Brown and no matter what you do, you're not going to make Jim Powers look as good as Ric Flair could in the time allotted, so don't work a rest hold in a squash match that goes 8 minutes longer than anyone cares to see.

4) Powers of Pain v. Demolition- 2

I was a huge Demolition mark when I was a kid but now, after seeing a few of their matches, it seems like the only thing they ever did was pound on people's backs like native drums. That's kind of boring. There was nothing that stood out as well done in this match, except maybe Barbarian's clotheslines. They protected both teams for their eventual feud with a DQ fin, but other than that, you can throw this one out with yesterday's leftovers.

5) Ted Dibiase v. Hercules- 3

In past tapes, Herc has shown incredible unprofessionalism but he stayed within the realm of believability this time, unless you count him thinking he's a half-god from Olympus believable. There was one spot I loved where Dibiase ran out of the ring and around the outside, back in the ring, as Herc gave chase. When Herc came in behind Dibiase, he gave him his patented fist drop. Classic stuff. He looked like a neon green pimp in his money outfit and Dibiase is the toughest fake millionaire of all time. He made Herc's offense look credible and still came out smelling like roses.

6) Koko B. Ware v. Akeem- 3

Akeem is the most Hot Dogging son of a bitch I've ever seen! He didn't let 5 seconds go by without rotating his wrists or strutting around the ring like some kind of horny peacock. His outfit should go into a Wrestling Fashion Hall of Fame, whatever the fuck that means. Offensively, the match didn't have much; Akeem just laid on Koko for the duration of the bout, which is a shame because Koko had some good stuff to give on defense he just didn't get to. Akeem made a parrot pancake out of the birdman for the Fin.

7) Sherri Martel v. Rockin Robin- 2

Sherri looked like a grandmother's slip cover in her blue one piece leotard and Robin looked like she just wanted to put on her favorite flannel, heat up some beef stew and put her hand down her girlfriend's pants. She was screaming Lesbo, and her mullet waved everytime she did. They did the "Look up!" trick in the match- something that only works in Merrie Melodies and half assed bulldog ended this putrid pile of pestilence.

8) Hulk Hogan v. Big Bossman- 5

"When It comes crashing down and it hurts inside! You gotta take a stand, it don't help to hide!" We single handedly reverted back to our Hulkamania status after watching the Hulkster bitch slap a helpless Slick 4 consecutive times like he was a prostitute taking kick backs. Will the Real Mark Fuhrman please stand up? Please stand up? I've never seen Hogan stiffer! Slick seemed to be really in pain after the 2nd go around and we were begging for Hulk to keep doing it. He had us in the palm of his well oiled, tannned hand and it felt good to be back. The match itself was usual Hogan fare with a shitty sold offense plan from Hogan, a comeback and a legdrop. Bossman seemed preoccupied with keeping his shirt buttoned as his ever expanding girth was pushing out with every second. This was classic stuff.

Universal Uproar UK Event - 11/12/05

1) Jonny Storm, Amazing Red, & Spud vs. Jody Fleisch, James Tighe, & Aviv Mayann – 3
2) D-Lo Brown vs. Joe Legend – 4
3) Nigel McGuinness vs. Colt Cabana – European Rules Match – 3
4) Low Ki vs. Homicide – 5
5) Sonjay Dutt vs. Shannon Moore – 4
6) Mick Foley, The Sandman, Steve Corino, & Paul Travell vs. Alex Shane, Martin Stone, Stixx, & Iceman – Hardcore Rules Elimination Match – 2
7) Kenta Kobashi & Go Shiozaki vs. Jun Akiyama & Doug Williams – 8

The opening six-man had potential but it quickly fell apart. There were a few cool spots and a nice sequence that had five different submissions locked in at one time. There were quite a few high-risk spots that were meant to get the crowd into it but utimately it failed. D-Lo and Legend had a very acceptable encounter in which the announcers claimed that D-Lo was emulating Legend. I don’t see how that could be because I didn’t see Legend steal any moves. I saw Cabana and Nigel wrestle at an ROH show this past summer and to be quite honest, I wasn’t a big fan of their effort. Now, they added in the stipulation of European rules, which means rounds, and it just gets that much more convoluted. They did do some nice technical spots but it didn’t impress me. Cabana really should go back to blowing yaks or whatever it is he does between gigs because his wrestling career is going nowhere fast. Nigel could have a good run as a British bad-ass in ROH but Cabana and his polka dots just suck. Low Ki and Homicide had a fairly decent match but it wasn’t really anything special. It was obvious to me that the announcers had seen either very little or roughly nothing of Low Ki’s work as they were really blown away by everything. The match itself was good and Ki won with his trademark mushroom stomp. Sonjay and Shannon kept the crowd from going to sleep. In an interesting development, Sonjay was playing the heel and worked the mic in the middle of the bout. Moore was right at the beginning stages of his punk rock gimmick and didn’t have the big mohawk he does now. The match was good for what it was because it was obviously filler. The hardcore match was sloppy as hell and featured terribly bad brawling all around. Following all that mess, there was a giant crowd brawl and the fat tub of goo known as Iceman got tossed off a balcony. Then, the ref did a huge balcony spot. After all of this, they get back in the ring and start doing chain wrestling again and Foley gets eliminated in the middle of the match. The main event tag match was a complete turnaround from all the messy hardcore brawling and worthless mid-card matches. It was stiff beyond belief and was all four men at their finest. Kobashi and Akiyama even did a giant crowd brawl! Shiozaki and Williams held their own against the rugged veterans Kobashi and Akiyama. I would recommend this DVD only for the main event tag and possibly a mild recommendation on the Low Ki – Homicide match.

Bonus Match – Stevie Lynn & Low Ki vs. Amazing Red & Ice XVII – 3
This was a big pile of yuck. Low Ki and Red had a fantastic match on the ROH Road to the Title DVD but failed in their attempts to recreate that magic. Lynn and Ice worked really bad exchanges. All four men looked like they didn’t want to be there and I wanted to stick a penny in a light socket afterwards.

WWF Saturday Night’s Main Event 11/28/87

1. Danny Davis vs. George “The Animal” Steele – 2
2. Bret Hart vs. Randy “Macho Man” Savage – 5
3. Hulk Hogan vs. King Kong Bundy – 6
4. Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Hercules Hernandez – 4

I’m not sure why Steele didn’t go over clean, as they protected Davis, letting him get disqualified. And, what a bizarre DQ it was – Davis’ foot inadvertently hit the ref in the chest while Steele was carrying him around, leading the ref to overact like a middle school girl throwing a tantrum and immediately call for the stoppage of the bout. I was left scratching my head, just like after seeing The Matrix Revolutions. Hart and Savage was good, I mean, these two were total machines back then. Savage had to be on speed, and I’m surprised he’s still as mobile as he is today, because he was just insanely reckless and physical and not afraid to kill himself. Elizabeth’s facial were the best, she portrayed worry better than any of today’s A-list celebrity sluts. Come on, you know Anne Hathaway does anal, right? Savage totally eats it on a backdrop over the rope to the floor. Later, Savage scores a surprise roll-up for the victory, the crowd pops, as does lids of bottles of painkillers in the locker room.

This is the consummate Hogan match. It dawned on me that Bundy was really one of Hulk’s all-time best opponents. He’s small enough to be agile and mobile, but big enough to still be portrayed as a monster equal to Hogan’s strength and stature. This was both men in arguably their prime. Andre the Giant tripped Hogan, he was ejected, and then the match restarted. They go back to the formula, but it works, and I’m enthralled again like I was when I was 5 seeing this for the first time. The finish isn’t the most satisfying, as Hogan gets counted out due to Bobby Heenan’s involvement, but they didn’t want to deliver the payoff to the feud on free television, rightfully so, and this was a great way of keeping interest in it.

The main event was a very interesting match-up; two guys I’ve never seen work each other prior. It’s not long, and keeps a pretty fast pace. There’s a double count out, Bigelow grabs the microphone and yaks, which I suppose persuades the ref to restart it, as the match continues. The ending sees Bam Bam totally annihilate Hercules with a bodyslam, and I must say, if everybody did that move like this, that’d make the bodyslam credible again, not just a tame set-up maneuver that it’s been reduced to these days. Then, Bigelow goes to the apron, almost falls backwards on his gigantic ass, but regains composure and does a slingshot splash (eat your heart out Mike Awesome, oh wait, you’re dead, too) to get the victory.