Monday, March 31, 2008

Performer Analysis: AJ Styles

1) Innovation- 7/10 When AJ Styles started becoming a known name in the industry, he was a guy to watch because he was trying things that you had never seen before. All kinds of aerial manuevers, different slams and new and exciting ways to execute moves. His margin of error is better than most when trying these very experimental tricks which have now become part of his every day repetoire. He helped usher in a new wave of competitor, guys from the indy scene who were really capable performers, not your usual hillbilly indy jabrone doing shows for some extra cigarette money.

2) Conditioning- 10/10 AJ is definitley strong in this category. He's obviously not the biggest dog in the yard, but he can go for long periods of time in very physical matches. He's got a great build, perfect for his size and tons of energy. He doesn't exhaust easily. Doesn't seem to be hampered by any enhancing substances, but of course, now a days, you never know.

3) Skill- 8/10 This guy has a lot of great skills he can utilize in the ring. It's hard to call him a rookie but he's definitley not a veteran at this point. He has an awesome array of moves that he uses while constantly working on perfecting others. He is a phenomenal worker, and usually has a really competitive match with everyone he wrestles. His selling is top notch and he excels against bigger guys. He takes bumps like nobody's business, often many of them in one match when you wouldn't even think it calls for it.

4) Psychology- 7/10 Has AJ every worked a side headlock for 9 minutes straight in a match? Probably not. Psychology these days is different and yet it's the same. He has very good physical match psych which sometimes allows you not to sell a move or even a series of moves. Aftersell is a huge part of the psychology of a match and I think AJ has a good grasp on that notion. He's played quite a few underdog roles in his career with being a smaller guy and he does it quite well. He works like he's a video game character that takes damage throughout the match collectively but always finds that last bit of power to try and come back. Yet he's also guilty of not selling pain in a bodypart, which sometimes becomes the consensus in feds like ROH, where you're only as good as your last high spot.

5) Interviews- 5/10 I think he's improving, but he usually falls flat here. His southern boy accent always suprises people and gives him a unique opportunity to do something with it, yet he never does. He isn't made to cut a tough guy promo because he doesn't have the build or the character to do it. And his latest foray into comedy is all but laughable. I think he's gaining confidence though and will continue to improve.

6) Character- 6/10 The Phenomenal One; that was a perfect fit for AJ. His cocky heel turn was really bad, and showed how green he really was, not only in the ring, but as portraying a character. He's much better as a face who fights for himself and the people. He's a tough kid (well, shit, he's over 30 now) and he worked much more effectively when he was the guy in TNA that could always rise to the occasion and top his last match. Now, he wears Reindeer suits and holds his family hostage over what musclebound freak's corner he stands in while even his wife and priest try to reason with him. Don't ask me what happened; the only explanation I can give you is Russo has struck again.

7) Fans- 7/10 I realize the fan base of TNA and ROH are rabid loyalists who only make up a small margin of the fans worldwide, but wrestling fans know good wrestling and AJ has been all over the world and is pretty well known. I'd say at one time, he was one of the most popular guys in the business during his really hot X Division run a few years back. I think he could play in the big leagues and draw a good section of fans, kind of like an RVD did.

8) Basics- 7/10 You may not think it but Styles has some good basics in him. For one, he's a hell of a striker. He always lays his shots in, despite the opponent which is something i can respect. He's not one of the more skilled technicians but he definitley can hold his own and has come up with some pretty inventive holds on the ground. He can reversal and counter with the best of them, almost a pre-requsite in Ring of Honor and has great near falls. He's a fun wrestler to watch.

9) Feuds/Opponents- 7/10 Samoa Joe. Christopher Daniels. Low Ki. Paul London. AJ has worked programs with great workers, which almost no matter the storyline, as long as the work is there, you can build a tremendous feud. He's probably gotten in the ring with everyone that's come through the pike in TNA since it's inception and has faced every top indy guy in the last 6 to 7 years as well. He's well versed with tons of different sizes and styles in opponents and it would be interesting to see him face the mega-stars of the industry and see how he meshes with them. I believe one day he will have that opportunity and already has faced major names such as Sting, Kurt Angle, and Kevin Nash.

10) Gutcheck- 6/10 AJ has fought hard to become a star in the industry and continues to amaze and awe audiences around the world with his energetic, fast paced and hard hitting style of competition. I think overcoming the size hurdle wasn't as hard in the last 10 years as in the 80's and that kind of open door policy from most companies really helped AJ. His only major flaw I see is his relationship with Vince Russo, which has never done anything for his career besides put him in a reindeer suit on national TV and endorse Russo's shitty Jesus fed which was a sure sign of the Apocolypse.

Score: 70
Rank: Superstar
PO: Thumbs Middle

Thursday, March 27, 2008

The Best of Monday Night Raw 15th Anniversary DVD set

What can you really say about Raw that hasn't been covered in the past? It's a fun show to watch because it's live; I've always enjoyed that aspect of it. Well, this is the review of the WWE's self-produced DVD set. We here at NHO review matches because that is the most important part of our business, but I've decided to review the segments featured on here also, with a simple Thumbs Up, Middle, or Down on each of them. This should be fun..

Bonus: The 1st Episode of Raw- 01/11/93

1 Yokozuna v. KoKo B. Ware- 3

This was a brutal squash. Yoko is so much bigger than Koko, it's comparable to when Kobe Bryan rapes a teenage white girl. Koko took a nasty shot on the ropes across his throat. Koko had to be one of the most fun and best bumping lower card guys WWE had.

2 Bobby Heenan Interview- Middle

Heenan was in one of those sets with the curtain behind him, cutting a promo about the upcoming Narcissus' debut at the Royal Rumble. He really talked him up (who we all know ended up being Lex Luger.) It was a great hype job but I can't give it too high a grade because we all know how Luger ended up; a murderer.

3 Steiner Brothers v. Executioners- 3
G-D! Another nasty squash. The Steiners were pounding these guys like tent stakes. Just complete annihilation. Very high fun factor to see guys in black masks get beaten to a pulp....that could have come off like a very bad statement.

4 Razor Ramon interview- Middle
I'll give this a middle because it was an effective interview. He was pushing his match against Bret Hart at Royal Rumble and really came off as a smarmy prick.

5 Max Moon v. Shawn Michaels- 4
This was pretty fast paced and had a lot of action. Moon (who looked an awful lot like Paul Diamond in a ridiculous blue spaceman suit) still had some moves and this was fun for what it was. Michaels couldn't control a tempo like he can today so the ground stuff was just slapped on near the end of the match as an afterthough with neither man really working the rest hold. But, all in all, it satisfied.

6 Undertaker v. Damian DeMento- 2
This really should be a one, but i give it a nostalgia point. DeMento (who is creepier looking than he sounds) had a hell of a right hand and rocked Taker several times with it. But, this was pretty damn short, like Mike Myers' dramatic acting career (sorry Nick 54) It would be the shits if the DeMento hair style came back in.

7 Crush gets outsmarted by Doink- Down
This was stupid segment and really wasted the skills of Doink (it's sad that I'm mentioning a clown character's skills being wasted instead of Crush's.) Crush cuts a promo like Dudley Do-Right.

8 Bobby Heenan tries to sneak into Raw- Middle
These were somewhat humorous, they ran throughout the whole show. Heenan doing anything to put over the show, it's one of his funniest and most endearing qualities, is that he will do just about anything to put over the product. He looked ghastly as a woman but very dignified as a moyle..

Disc 1 (1993- 1997)

1 Ric Flair v. Mr. Perfect (Loser Leaves Match- 01/25/93)- 5
This was a fun match, not the most technically sound but still fun. These two are a great match for each other. The chopfests, albeit short were still filled with some passion and who isn't a sucker for a chop fest? Flair's frustration was played perfectly and I think the out of nowhere finish worked for this.

2 Parking Lot Brawl (05/19/93)- Up
Featuring Henning and Michaels, this fit perfectly because it was really short but random and violent. These guys were throwing potatoes left and right and Michaels took a bump on a car windshield.

3 Razor Ramon v. 1-2-3 Kid (05/19/93)- 3
This was the famous upset that put the Kid on the map. I think a 3 is decent enough; it had really no meat to it besides Razor's lethal punches and Kid's subsequent sell of them.

4 Shawn Michaels v. Marty Jannetty (05/19/93)- 6
This was said to have been voted 93's Match of the Year. It reminded me a lot of a really rehearsed ROH match. Both guys were really fluid and you could tell they knew each other quite well. Michaels was still trying to find himself as a singles wrestler and didn't have the poise he does now. The finish was pretty dumb, as far as I was concerned with Henning throwing a towel in Michaels face and him getting rolled up.

5 Gorilla Monsoon fires Bobby Heenan (12/06/93)- Up
This started out pretty tame only because Monsoon wasn't even miked so you couldn't hear him but Heenan put it over the top, as he does most things. I'm guessing this was his farewell from the company; he looked like he was even shedding some tears but that was before he caught his foot in his own gymbag and threw his underwear all over the parking lot.

6 Bret Hart v. 1-2-3 Kid (07/11/94)- 8
If I may quote a famous African-American: "Damn!" If I may quote another one: "Brooke Shields is getting fucked tonight!" Okay, that had nothing to do with this match. What a lost classic! Hart and Kid were both stiff as all get out and they put together a seriously awesome encounter. Bret was giving Kid near falls left and right and really made you feel like he was a stiffer and more physical Ric Flair. Kid's kicks were just freakin' lethal and Bret's uppercuts were knockouts every time. I was blown away. Bret pinned Kid with Kid's foot on the ropes and Bret played the nice guy and made the ref restart the match- amazing story. This is worth at least renting this set just to see.

7 Search for Undertaker (Aug '94)- Down
Leslie Nielsen does what he does best- well, actually not in these skits, but what he does best is off the wall humor. Knocking Ray Rougeau, while funny, strikes a blow against our French-Canadian allies when all they want to do is be apart of a funny skit on a wrestling program, not be downgraded as merely a footstool for our aging comedic stars of yesteryear. When will society get beyond those parameters?

8 King's Court with William Shatner (01/09/95)- Middle
The Shat had some good lines here and this is funny just seeing him try and monkey flip Lawler. On a sadder note, the recent 13th anniversary of the death of Tekwar was celebrated by two rounds of Car bombs at hotel Shatner rented from

9 Shawn Michaels v. Owen Hart (11/20/95)- 6
This is the match where Shawn passes out after taking a shot to the head. These two had almost better chemistry than Shawn and Bret. I still don't understand why they dropped the Shawn-Owen feud after Bret quit the company. That was money to be made. Anyways, both guys have similar styles and they bump well. This wasn't long, under 10 minutes, but there was some quality work being done.

10 Vader attacks Gorilla Monsoon (01/22/96)- Up
This was damn good. Who didn't love seeing Monsoon chop the shit out of Vader, then Vader get some receipts with some really stiff blows. Plus, before that he was manhandling several ref's. I miss that big, mean tub of shit.

11 Touch of Goldust (05/27/96)- Middle
Goldust tries to give Ahmed Johnson mouth to mouth. It's an image I can never get out of my head. I give this a Thumbs in the Middle simply because of Johson tackling the dog piss out of some random dude through a dressing room door. Ouchy!

12 Pillman's Got a Gun (11/04/96)- Up
This was just Pillman at his finest. Austin beating the shit out of some dudes in the front lawn was funny as hell, especially the dude who got drowned in the kiddy pool. Pillman was so psycho-redneck in this but for some reason, they cut out the gunshot sound on the DVD. Here's another feud pissed away that could have been awesome.

13 Undertaker v. Mankind (No Holds Barred; 12/09/96)- 5
Ole' Mick and Mean Mark had a quasi-stiff match here that's probably better left forgotten. Mankind took a really hurty bump head first into the guardrail and Taker sucked ass on his usual legs into the stairs bump. Neither guy has a really good punch, but they look decent enough to carry them through this kind of meandering brawl.

14 Shawn Loses his Smile (02/17/97)- Down
As anyone who looks back on this knows, it reeks of stinktitude. Even watching it now, the motives behind it are questionable. Was their a knee injury? Why was Shawn back in less then 4 months? I don't really buy the interview, even though on his DVD, he expresses a lot of sorrow about having to give up the title.

15 9th Wonder of the World (02/17/97)- Down
Chyna's debut...a time when we didn't have to worry about our divas Actually looking like women, and what would be the point in that? So they could pose for Playboy? and everyone could see the little flap of skin where their penis used to be? Just keep your Frankenstein chin and muscles bigger than most of the men on the roster. I didn't really enjoy this segment even though it had great heat.

16 The Original ECW Invasion (02/24/97)- Up
Now, when they did this the first time, it was definitley intriguing television. With all of Paul E's miscreants at his side, getting stiff, botching spots and talking shit, how could you not enjoy it? I don't think it had any long term impact on either company, quite honestly but in a way, I think Vince wished he could have turned his fed into what made ECW so fun to watch: garbage wrestling. And I must ask Jerry Lawler, who even to this day, continually questions the motives behind Vince's ploy to help out a fledeling fed and questions their hardcore style: Is ECW's brand of wrestling any more offensive than what Lawler himself ran in USWA, with every monster gimmick known to man invading and giving himself the Worlds Title over 25 times? Is that a much superior style of competition? If it is, he's more delusional than I thought.

17 Owen Hart v. Davey Boy Smith (03/03/97)- 7
This was just a clean, athletic, scientific, competitive match at it's finest. Two very well trained professionals doing what they do best and getting the job done. They built some very fine near falls, especially for them both being heels at the time. Both guys are so damn talented, this just was a pure joy to watch. The finish was creative and a play off of Owen-Bret's famous Wrestlemania match, which was a neat touch. Well worth seeing.

18 Bret Speaks his Mind (03/17/97)- Up
This was just Bret Hart talking mad shit and calling out Vince for booking him into a minor role instead of the superstar he truly was. How could anyone not enjoy this?

19 Steve Austin/ Dude Love/ Undertaker v. Bret Hart/ Owen Hart/ Davey Boy Smith (Flag Match, 07/21/97)- 3
This was joined in progress already. Austin was beginning his stages of sloppiness and the heels were just bumping around Taker like Hollywood stuntmen. Foley knocked the shit out of Bret on the outside with a blindsiding football tackle that seemed really out of character for him. There was no cohesiveness to this and wasn't very good, despite all the talent.

20 Stone Cold Stuns the Boss (09/22/97)- Middle
This was mildly entertaining as Vince tries to play the nice guy, telling Austin "we care about you, the WWE cares about you." Note to any WWE superstar: Don't ever believe that line of BS if it's spewed to you. Austin ripped Vince a few times; not bad.

21 "Bret screwed Bret" (11/17/97)- Down
This has to be the most talked about subject and written about subject in wrestling history. My opinion is that it was a shitty move. To do it on national PPV, in front of a worldwide audience and then toss the blame to someone else, someone who had broken his back for the company that made him, and Vince didn't think he could trust Bret. This segment made me throw up in my mouth a lot.

22 Sable in the Sack (12/08/07)- Down
Man, she looked awfully tittilicious in her outfit. Mero called Brandi a jobber. He's so insider, isn't he? Sable definitley was looking her breast, i mean best. Not sure why this was even on here.

23 Gold Meets Water (12/15/97)- Down
Austin threw Rock's IC belt over a bridge. Whoopity Doo! He should have done himself a favor and threw his pre-nup to Debra into the water too.

24 Christmas with D-X (12/22/97)- Middle
Dx in their thongs, for some reason I think Chyna had bigger man junk than either of them. Then, they had to wrestle each other for Shawn's European Belt. That was slightly humorous.

Disc 2 1998-2002

1"Tyson & Austin" (01/19/98)- Up
At the time, this was a good piece of business: Austin didn't give a damn about anyone and Tyson was in need of a payday. And some speech lessons. Cold Stone Steve Austin? Don't tell me Steveo was thinking about doing the ice cream gimmick?

2 DX Special Report (02/02/98)- Up
Another funny segment consisting of Shawn and Hunter just saying every dirty phrase they could think of on TV while Chyna stood by and looked like a man.

3 Dumpster Diving (02/21/98)- Up
This was a crazy segment. Only Foley and Funk would let someone push them off a 6 foot edge to concrete while inside a dumpster. Of course, it could have been filled with that foam shit they build when Shane McMahon wants people to think he has a large schlong.

4 New DX (03/30/98)- Middle
You can already see the smugness building in Trips loins on this segment and it made my stomach turn. X-pac had some funny things to say about Hogan and Bischoff so this wasn't all bad.

5 Stone Cold v. Vince (04/13/98)- Middle
I remember this happening live and being pretty sucked into seeing Vince actually get in the ring. Now, I pray nightly that he never does it again. God, they killed a lot of time doing this. Then, Foley (as Dude Love) comes down for no reason at all and interferes before it gets started. I smell Russo.

6 DX invades WCW (04/27/98)- Up
This was a very clever segment. It was funny as hell hearing all the people that got their tickets for free. Just this one stunt trumped Bischoff giving away Raw results for 3 years. Who cares if LOD beat *8 ball and Skull- I want to know who was working some psych!

7 DX Nation (07/06/98)- Middle
I give this Thumbs in the Middle for the creativity, even though it has been copied numerous times now. The thing that left a bad taste in my mouth was Jason Sensation (who does an excellent Owen Hart impression.) He ran down Owen's whole character and demeaned him and in hindsight I believe this should have been left off the disc.

8 Zamboni 3:16 (09/28/98)- Up
Who doesn't love Zambonies? Especially when you're getting a blowjay on one( if you want to see what I mean, go to I've always loved the visual of Austin diving off the top of it and clotheslining the adulterer right out of that adulterer Vince McMahon.

9 Debut of Mr. Socko (10/05/98)- Down
This segment wasn't even funny, which was what is was supposed to be. Mr. Socko, in hindsight, just made me feel sorry for Foley's kids that he would subject them to something that stupid and creepy.

10 Concrete Corvette (10/12/98)- Middle
This worked for what it was, to continue this long going feud between Austin and McMahon plus it was cool to see it.

11 Bang 3:16 (10/19/98)- Down
Not sure what purpose this segment served other than to make McMahon piss his pants. Again, this wasn't funny, nor was it entertaining and the gun Austin used looked like a child's toy the second he brought it out.

12 Mankind v. The Rock (01/04/99)- 3
I really don't miss these style of matches. While this was a grand moment, Foley winning the World Title for the first time, the match was littered with this late 90's style cliches, like talking into the announcers head sets, bad brawling around the ring and a announce table spot where almost surely every time it won't break correctly. Then, you had Russo putting his grimy fingerprints all over it with 15 people all interfering in the match, so it wasn't even a clean win. And the in ring stuff they did during it was really sloppy, Foley's punches looking lazier than Dr.Phil's wife in bed.

13 Monster Truck v. Town Car (04/19/99)- Down
Destruction is always cool, but this one felt pretty lackluster. I mean, we've seen Austin be pretty destructive and this was one of his least inspired demolition derbies. then, the brawl afterwards with Rock over the graveyard was pretty weak sauce as well.

14 Mean Street Posse v. The Stooges (Brisco/ Patterson- 05/19/99)- 1
Not sure why this was included. It was really short and the Posse were definitley the shittiest of all the roster at this time. They couldn't even throw simple punches without falling over themselves. The legends were really over and Patterson took a nice body slam on the outside. Please avoid this, mainly because Patterson ripped his shirt off at the end.

15 Greater Power Revealed(06/07/99)- Down
This sucked. Instead of the most bad ass evil dude the fed ever had being the ultimate power, it's another ego stroke for Vinnie Mac. And how could his daughter ever conceivably get over her dad trying to "sacrifice" her just to get back at one of his employees? This shit got way out of control.

16 Y2J (08/09/99)- Up
I am a self professed Jerichoholic and this was at the time, one of the greatest debuts in WWE history. I think Jericho's initial speech still stands the test of time as it was funny, and still very heelish in it's approach. I remember this back and forth being much longer, as I think some of it was cut out but he had no better guy to verbally dual with than Rock at the time.

17 Rock: This is Your Life (09/27/99)- Middle
I still can't believe this was the highest rated segment in Raw history. At this time, fans would have laughed at anything the Rock said, as his material was entertaining, but not incredibly funny. You could see Foley trying to get a major rub during this segment too but I still feel it was way too long.

18 Big Bossman's Poem (11/18/99)- Down

There's something morbid about hearing him deliver these grotesque lines about maggots eating the dead flesh from Big Show's"father" considering Bossman is now gone. And I can't believe they didn't include Big show riding his father's casket in leather pants. Idiots!

19 HHH marries Stephanie (11/29/99)- Down
I stick to what Brian said about this angle years ago, that any # of heels at the time could have pulled this off just as well if not better. Could you imagine what Jericho would have done with this material? or even Hardcore Holly? You know he would have at least felt Steph up while she was drugged!

20 HHH v. Chris Jericho (04/17/00)- 4
This was when they screwed Jericho out of the belt. The crowd was rabid for him to win and the heat was crazy off the charts when he did. This was really short though and felt like the leftovers of a great meal. HHH had great punches and Jericho's chops are some of the best in the world; I mean he learned from Tenryu(not a real fact), okay he at least worked with Tenryu. Anyways, there was some mild interference but it didn't deter from the overall match. Just a lot of World Title match tricks thrown in so this really didn't do it for me.

21 Shane McMahon buys WCW (03/26/01)- Down
This was portrayed as a joke now, which we all know how badly this idea turned out. I think they thought they had a really surprising twist by doing this but had no clue how to go about handling it.

22 Milk-o-Mania! (08/20/01)- Middle
They didn't show the whole segment where Austin was at his goofiest, listening to his watch, saying "What?", and singing "Wind beneath my Ring!" with the Alliance. This is where Angle played off of Austin's famous beer truck incident with milk, but the funny thing was when Austin did it, he did it to 3 guys; Angle shot milk on like 25 guys and none of them decided to duck out of the ring and go beat his ass. Completely illogical.

23 HHH Returns (01/07/02)- Down
Completely pointless. There was nothing significant about this return at all, only that he had been gone for a long time and we didn't miss his leather jacket tucked into a cutoff denim jacket. Can't believe that didn't catch on. He did whip up on Kurt Angle for a few minutes of inane physicality.

24 Rock- Hogan Face Off (02/18/02)- Up
This was an epic moment when it happened, but kind of predictable: Rock putting Hogan over, Hogan putting himself over, but seeing Hogan eat a little humble pie was nice

25 McMahon-Bischoff Hug (07/15/02)- Middle
Again, kind of surprising at the time, but personally, i think they're both serpents so I really could care less; Bischoff's long monotonous promo was really repetitive, the same old stuff, Nitro beat Raw 83 weeks in a row, blah, blah,blah, let's not forget Nitro had a murderous doll punking out one of it's top stars and Raw had a 70 year old woman give birth to a plastic hand, so they've both committed crimes against humanity.

Disc 3 2003- 2008

1 The Rock Concert (03/24/03)- Up
I was a huge fan of the Rock's short heel run when he came back in early '03. It was completely over the top and you could tell he was just having fun with it. He performed acoustically slightly altered versions of popular songs, such as "Rock did it Rock's Way." Nothing was funnier than when he got a kick out of one line he wrote, to the tune of an old Elvis song where he said "Rock won't be back until the Lakers beat the Kings in May!" I mean, he was busting out laughing so hard he repeated it over again.

2 Kane Unmasks (06/23/04)- Down
This was supposed to be a big moment but hasn't anybody in the front offices of WWE got it through their heads that no one cares about Kane? Jim Ross had the perfect line for this occasion when he uttered, "What the hell is that?"

3 Musical Chairs (07/05/04)- Up
This was a segment I had never seen, but it was pretty entertaining. Flair was chasing Stacy Keibler around like a dog in heat and that led to his elimination. Y2J chants filled the arena when he pulled Tomko's chair out from under him; i think i used that same move at my cousin's 5th birthday party.

4 Randy Orton kicked out of Evolution (08/16/04)- Down
Apparently at the behest of "Trips", this supposed to be long played out angle was dropped one night after Orton won the belt. Shooting their wad Waaaayyyy too early is this company's specialty.

5 Monday Night Football Spoof (11/22/04)- Down
Was this supposed to be funny? I saw the digs at pro football but after Benoit went nutso, WWE would be to blame for some of the same things they were accusing NFL of. And Trish in that nose guard with two black eyes was supposed to be sexy? I'd rather eat some soggy beef tips and overcooked onions than her pussy.

6 Batista turns on Evolution (02/21/05)- Up
Dave Batista and Franklin Roosevelt have something in common: they both speak softly. Don't know about the big stick part...i'm sure there are stats somewhere on line. But, I always thought his calm demeanor stood out amongst all the other juiced up heavyweights. But, his charisma or lack there of is not why this gets a thumbs up- that would be because he absolutely broke HHH in half with a sick powerbomb through a table. Lovely.

7 Shawn Michaels v. Shelton Benjamin- 6
The styles in this match worked well to a point but also against them to a point. Benjamin missed some cues early on and you could see Michaels getting pissed, as usual. Benjamin was hitting all his hard to hit arieal spots that he usually misses so that was a plus. And the crowd was exceptionally hot while JR put the match over huge. The finish was a highlight reel favorite and is pretty spectacular. I think a more seasoned Benjamin could have made this a real classic.

8 John Cena drafted to Raw- Up
I thought this was a good segment- it was surprising to have the other show's Champion show up on Raw. Jericho was funny, Christian interrupted and was his usualy smarmy self and Cena's "rap" burned Christian worse than the pain in his dick when he was in community college.

9 Edge/ Lita Wedding- Down
How many wedding segments do we have to sit through? This one was really boring. Lita looked incredibly slut-a-licious and Edge played Matt Hardy's theme music to piss off Internet marks. Kane got involved and regrettably didn't set himself and the whole damn stage on fire and burn to the ground.

10 HBK turns on Hogan (07/04/05)- Middle.
This was done well. It was certainly unexpected but in my mind, and I think most every other wrestling fan's mind, completely unnecessary.

11 Jericho is Fired (08/22/05)- Middle
Another lackluster piece of bizniss- Jericho was funny as going from angry to whining to pleading to begging to keep his job, an exit similar to that of Heenan's years ago and Bischoff plays an excellent prick.

12 Shawn Michaels v. Kurt Angle (Iron Man Match, 10/03/05)- 7
Better than I remembered. Still not great though. They did the falls pretty well, good pace, good pinfalls and the finish is a classic draw finish where the good guy hits his finishing move in the last few seconds and doesn't have enough time to get the pin. Angle was pretty limited and for a guy who usually has a deep move set, he looked as creative as Kip James out there. It doesn't make much sense that Michaels was in the anklelock for like 6 minutes in their Mania match and taps out only after 30 seconds in this one, but okay, that's fine. The commercial breaks really put the brakes on this one, even though you can tell they switch to rest holds during them, that's still a large chunk of change missing from the match and the pace is just killed when you go real hot and then bring it back to a leg grapevine on the mat. Overall, probably the worst of their 3 matches together.

13 Stone Cold stuns the McMahons (10/03/05)- Down
God, this thing droned on like a film starring Hulk Hogan. Stone Cold was mildly funny in it, but there's only so much McMahon I can take in one segment and this puppy was way over quota. All 4 of them sold the Stunner like a pile of shit too which you'd think after 8 years of taking it, you'd pick up a thing or two.

14 Trial of Eric Bischoff (12/05/05)- Down
Another Vince ego stroke. He makes himself a Judge, pisses all over Bischoff to give the shriveled dates in his nutsack a tingle, then drives a garbage truck so he can be cool like Stone Cold was all those years ago when Raw was still getting ratings. This blew Magic Johnson's AIDS infected cock. Sorry Magic; you're still a legend.

15 Live Sex Celebration (01/19/06)- Middle
The segment that garnered the highest ratings in years for Raw and made Edge think he was a player on the scene. I could tell much was edited out because I remember on the live show Lita's nipples being shown but I saw no sign of the purple patches of pepperoni-like flesh this time. Not that I was really looking. Flair intervening and humping the air was a kick too.

16 DX impersonates the McMahons (06/26/06)- Down
I'm definitley not Down with this. Anybody see a pattern? The McMahons are invovled on nearly 1/3 of this set. Not everything they touch is gold. Anyone remember Vince blowing up? Or Linda having an affiar with Bischoff? or Shane's neverending feud with Kane that seemed to be written by a Hollywood horror screenwriter? Or Stephanie having a bulldog that shit everywhere? Speaking of shit, fecal matter dropped all over the McMahons after Shawn and Hunter made a fool out of them and themselves. Please, Stand Back!

17 Edge v. John Cena v. Rob Van Dam (07/03/06)- 4
This was pretty sloppy at most points but definitley physical. Edge was getting beat back and forth and looked like a drunk looking for a cardboard box in an alley. JR really tried to put this over as being special, but it didn't come off like that at all. Cena and RVD's styles really clashed and it showed during RVD offensive flurries and Cena's subsequent sell of them. Edge should have been the one to tie the match together but he let it hang loose like a stitch coming out of the seam of your shirt. The finish wasn't bad; it had a good false ending but ultimately more of the same RAW main event stuff that's so retread. This really didn't belong on the disc.

18 Shawn Michaels v. Edge (Street Fight- 01/22/07)- 5
This is a poor version of some better street fights Michaels and Edge have both been apart of. After coming back from a commercial break, Michaels looked like a car wreck victim. It's a real disconnect when you miss a blood spot so it was hard to really feel the emotion. Edge took some more really pussy bumps disguised as "hardcore" ones. It wasn't a meandering brawl like a Vince street fight, but there were not a lot of good counters or reversals which both guys are known for the match's pace was really off.

19 HBK Returns (10/08/07)- Middle
At the time it was nice to see him again and I rather enjoyed the surly Shawn but now seeing it a second time, it really doesn't have the effect it did then. Besides that, his big superkick on Orton missed more than the XFL did with casual sports fans.

Performer Analysis: Koko B. Ware

The "Birdman" is my featured guest this week on "Let's Scrutinize your Career!" I'm glad to have him here with me today, and, hey, Koko, don't let Frankie drink from the coffee cup- Haven't you ever seen what vodka does to a macaw?! Anyways, it's my pleasure to analyze one of the guys from the NHO Marquee (feel free to look at it now.)

1) Innovation- 5/10 You don't always have to be the guy that breaks down the walls to be known as innovative. Koko did a lot of things that were just different. Different hair, different clothes, different style. He always stood out no matter what he was doing. He performed different moves, unique ones that no one else was utilizing. He was part of the wave of guys that were bringing animals to the ring with them; Koko certainly embraced that part of his character. And for any African American to break into the sport of professional wrestling in the South is certainly a different path.

2) Conditioning- 5/10 Koko was no Olympic athlete but his frame worked for what he could do. He was really agile and had good speed for a heavier guy. Due to the rampant use of steroids in the 80's, it's hard to say anyone one guy didn't use them for his own personal gain, but I would say Koko was never a guy who was one of the problem guys. He never went long in matches anyways, so his stamnia was fine.

3) Skill- 6/10 Koko definitley had some skills inside the ring. His speed was good, his move set was fresh and actually very fun to watch. He worked well with most guys and could bump well for a guy of his size and build. He was one of the more frequently used enhancement performers in the WWF for a good number of years for this reason.

4) Psychology- 6/10 Koko does good believable work inside the ring. He sells body parts well, even if it's not on a submission hold. He plays the fans well too, they respond to his ups and downs. He's not one of those guys who uses subtlety in their work but it gets the job done.

5) Interviews- 6/10 Koko is an energetic interview. He kind of has that Southern Baptist preacher speak that's really loud and in your face without all the heavy breathing in between sentences. He isn't really a money promo guy but he's definitely fun to watch.

6) Character- 7/10 "The Birdman," not really a main event level gimmick but Koko makes it work. I'm not saying he main evented with it, but he has turned something that would usually be a death sentence into a rememerable character. Always accompanied by his friend Frankie (who unfortunately died in a house fire) Koko strutted into the ring doing "The Bird" and got the fans out of their seats.

7) Fans- 5/10 In his prime, Koko was a fan favorite of many wrestling fans around the USA. His colorful attire, pet macaw and loud personality is something fans can get behind. He normally played the underdog role in his matches and people really responded to it. Even now, fans haven't forgotten "the Birdman," although he wouldn't be a top tier name these days.

8) Basics- 5/10 Koko isn't the most scientifically gifted performer there ever was, but her certainly was schooled in the ways of your basic wrestling. He doesn't do much ground work, but from what I've seen he is sufficient. He knows good counter wrestling and has a decent punch too.

9) Matches/ Feuds- 3/10 His weakest category, by far. In the South, he had some noted feuds against the Fabulous Ones and Jerry Lawler early in his career, but nothing legendary. He literally worked little to no programs against anyone during his tenure with the WWF, mostly used as an enhancement guy to get good matches out of burgeoning heels or monsters Vince wanted to push.

10) Gutcheck- 4/10 Koko still takes occasional indy bookings these days and in a recent shoot interview, expressed he would like to be able to step out on the grand stage once again and enjoy a little more time in the ring. He faithfully stuck with his Birdman gimmick and even after the passing of his beloved friend Frankie, still mentions him at indy shows( I was at such a show) showing that he has some compassion and character.

Total: 52

Ranking: Midcarder
PO: Thumbs Middle

Sunday, March 23, 2008

ROH: Dissension, Cleveland, OH 01.28.06

1 Jay Fury v. Adam Pearce- 1

I hate watching this tubby piece of shit. You know this is going to be really over the top when Fury does a springboard Asai moonsault 1 minute into the match. This blew.

2 Jimmy Yang v. Jay Lethal- 4

The thought that kept popping into my mind in this match was "Make me believe that you are in a fight!" and it wasn't happening. Lethal was lethargic he looked like a tranqulizied chimp. He kept doing this all these 80's style heel shticks but none of them were getting over because he put absolutely no emotion into doing them. He did a corner bump off a belly to belly overhead and looked like he was playing on a jungle gym. Yang's kicks were on target but he was on defense nearly the whole match so it didn't really matter.

3 Jimmy Rave/ Alex Shelly/ Abyss v. Tony Mamaluke/ Sal Rinauro/ Delirious- 4

I think Alex Shelly is one of the most talented performers, if not the most, in the sport today. I think he would make a great upper midcard charismatic heel for any promotion, if he was given the chance. Sal fell on his ass during his ring entrance and just sat there like a confused baby- probably worth seeing this match just for that. The tag work was entertaining, fast paced at most times and everyone played their roles pretty well. Mamaluke was pretty sloppy trying to pull shit off at a super fast pace and there was a dive section at the end that looked really bad and contrived. There was nothing overtly offensive in this one, everybody was putting forth some effort and Prince Nana's usually entertaining.

4 Low Ki v. Jack Evans- 5

I give this a boost simply because the finish was so damn brutal- Low Ki's corner mushroom stomp while Evans was in the tree of woe; this is the best one I've seen and by best I mean violent. The pace was slower than you would expect and Evans continually throws really weak punches but he bumps his ass off, that's for sure. It's really fun to watch him crash and burn at least once in a match, after trying a really ridiculous high risk move that even if they guy didn't move, he would have been 4 feet away from him anyways. Ki is actually very good at selling, even when Evan's offense doesn't call for it.

5 Claudio Castagnoli/ Ace Steel v. Nigel McGuinness/ Chad Collyer (Anything Goes)- 3

Talk about guys being out of their element--- you have three scientific wrestlers and Ace Steel in a "hardcore" match. It just didn't work. There was one really incredibly asinine spot where Claudio had Nigel on the ground, then started piling chairs on him, then he just fell backwards onto them. So Lame- has to be one of the most uncreative things you could ever do in that situation. I'd say 3/4 of the match was in the ring, so the anything Goes stip was pretty useless. Basically, it gave these guys an excuse to do a sloppy tag match when a normal one probably would have yielded better results. And Ace Steel....does a workout consist of eating cookie dough and wacking off? He looked to be in good shape but the dude ran out of gas after only 10 minutes and became a salted slug till the end. Nigel and Claudio delivered some deadly Euro forearms, that's the only good thing in this.

6 Austin Aries/ Roderick Strong v. Jimmy Jacobs/ BJ Whitmer- 5

This was perfectly acceptable tag team wrestling. Aries and Strong are a wonderful team and have tons of great moves that complement each other. Jacobs was fun playing the lovesick puppy to whoever their manager chick was and Whitmer was Whitmer, which as long as he stayed out of the way he was fine. Aries' selling was on point and came off like a huge star, not an Austin Starr, but a huge star, and definitley not that fucking Vince McMahon star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, not that shitty star. Anyways, the finish was just there, it didn't grab you or anything and I think the dissension between Jacobs and Whitmer could have been played up more.

7 Matt Sydal v. Christopher Daniels- 7

Daniels is one great wrestler and he takes charge with Sydal and they give a very good, back and forth underdog v. veteran match. For some reason, Sydal's mismatched neon green tights and blue boots were very distracting to me. Sydal cut down all of his crazy offense and held back some, but still dazzled the crowd with some really stiff moves. Daniels is an anchor that could hold the Titanic down; he mixes the right amount of high flying with ground wrestling to really make a compelling match. And of course, my favorite part of a match, the make or break part, the finish: This one puts it over the top as the best match on the show. Definitley worth seeing.

8 Bryan Danielson v. AJ Styles- 7

This is most everything you would expect from these two. They had a great storyline coming into it ,which was AJ had already beaten Danielson twice before with the Styles Clash, so they teased that a whole lot throughout the match. Danielson continues his reign of the King of Sells, with a close second being Randy Orton. He shows exactly where things hurt and how badly. AJ bumped his usual ass off but the finish wasn't as grabbing as the previous match and there weren't a lot of those classic A. Dragon scientific reversal spots. This was still much better than most anything on the show and I think AJ is sorely missed in Ring of Honor.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

No Prom Date #5

God, who really goes to the prom five old is this kid?

1) Samoa Joe v. AJ Styles (Turning Point 05)- 8

I thought this was quite well done. These two are just about the perfect opponents for each other. They can tell so many stories in their matches: Joe as the dominant monster v. AJ the comeback kid. AJ knows exactly how to take all of Joe's really stiff strikes and sells them like he's being mugged by Superman. I don't think AJ's body could survive a lengthy feud with Joe, but he gives it right back and can be just as stiff in his own way. He puts a dropkick right into Joe's nose at one point and forearms him until he cries for mercy and wishes he was back in UPW. Well, that maybe a would take some amount of devious torture to make a person do that. Anyways, AJ gets all creative with the ways Joe can make him bump, like over guardrails and onto the apron with a sweep kick. The finish comes out of nowhere and Joe actually pulls AJ's tights in a rollup to put him in the choke to get the win, so they play up that Joe needed a dirty trick to win the match. It was really good feels so strange saying that about something from TNA.

2) Antonio Inoki v. Dick Murdoch (New Japan, circa '83)- 7

Wow, watching simplistic but murderous matches like this one make me miss the days of yore when you didn't need to do the other guy's finisher, or grab a microphone in the middle of a match, or do a crowd brawl. Their idea of a crowd brawl here is Inoki throwing Murdoch's head into the gate that seperates the crowd from the ringside, then getting bored and going back in the ring. These two threw deadly strikes, and if either Bruce or Brandon Lee were alive, they'd probably do a small jig in delight of them. Murdoch sells wonderfully for somebody with a keg of beer for a stomach and orange teeth. Inoki blades like a FUCKING MAN for a post spot and Murdoch finishes this gem with the brain buster of all brain busters!!!!! It makes me believe the name of the move for once (not like DDT where I kept expecting to see a green cloud of smoke back in the 5th row and people dropping like flies)

3) The Rock/ Steve Austin v. the NWO (Hogan/ Nash/ Hall)- 3

This shit was all over the place- I don't know why they thought their silly little ring could hold those 5 egos; I think the state of New Hampshire enclosed from the outside world may have done the trick. First off, know that Austin was the ring leader and was actually bumping well for Hall and Nash. Hogan tagged in for a bodyslam and a few punches but other than that, he was just sweating off his spray on tan at the apron. Rock and Hall both traded some great punches and Nash sold a Thez Press like he stepped into a divot on a polo field. There was some miscommunication (surprised?) when all 5 men got invovled and Hogan picked up the clean win over Rock with a legdrop. Pretty piss poor and if anyone besides Austin would have gave a damn, this could have been a main event at a PPV, but instead it was thrown away on a substandard Raw. Guess Vince didn't need the money.

Performer Analysis: Steve Blackman

In Honor of the WWF's incredibly cheesy and insulting hardcore division, I'm analyzing one of it's proud paupers of paper mache bumps.

1) Innovation- 1/10

There's nothing more innovative about Blackman's career than there is about a moldy piece of cheese found on your under your refridgerator. He worked a very basic, boring style; he used a karate gimmick which has been done to death. He never pushed any kind of envelope and he never helped usher in any new style.

2) Conditioning- 4/10

Blackman was in decent shape, never really very big or overweight, but he was constantly injured. Actually, during the early 90's he fought against a severe case of malaria which halted much of his wrestling career. Then, while in WWF, he was plauged with setback after setback eventually forcing him into an early retirement.

3) Skill- 4/10

Blackman's offense was as crisp as fresh dog turd. He had a very basic move set that was heavily relied upon some martial arts skills that weren't very sound. His dedication to the arts didn't translate very well into "entertainment." He was incredibly stiff and rigid and just not any fun to watch. He bumped like a suit of armor and his facials were always the same: stone faced.

4) Psychology- 2/10

Blackman, mostly competing the in the hardcore division rarely had to incorporate psychology into his matches. Take for instance, his big claim to fame, his elbow drop from virtually 4 foot up off of a lighting rigging. He chased Shane McMahon all the way to the top? Well, once your up there, there's really no other place to go, so couldn't he have just waited him out? And then take his "weapons:" he brings little goofy sticks that look like they go to a kid's drum set. Everybody else in the division is using chairs and glass pitchers of Kool-aid, but Blackman brought sticks. They look horribly unrealistic to sell and you have no force behind using them.

5) Interviews- 2/ 10

As with everything else, Blackman was as charismatic a speaker as Wilford Brimley. They kept pairing him up with younger, more energetic partners to play off of his dullness, but even those attempts didn't brighten up his veneer; just made him seem more lifeless.

6) Character- 4/10

As I said earlier, his character was one that had been done to death in the 70's and definitley in the 80's and 90's by Vince. The martial arts expert; They rarely ever get over and are usually made into a big joke by the end of it all; add Blackman to that list. His face and heel characters played almost exactly the same- silent and forgetful.

7) Fans- 4/10

At the time, Blackman had some fans due to the incessant pushing of the hardcore division on every WWE show. But, his time in the spotlight faded due to lack of witty catchphrase, unique gimmick and even in the end, decent talent.

8) Basics- 3/10

Blackman had some basics down but all his technical stuff looked clumsy and amateurish. For all his time in the business, he didn't look very seasoned at all. His strikes were downright shitty but he did have some decent kicks.

9) Match/ Feud- 2/10

Blackman rarely had any feuds and I guess his biggest one was with Shane McMahon. But, it wasn't designed to get Blackman over; it was set up purely so Shane could take another huge bump off of something. Blackman did get to work a gamet of big superstars, such as The Rock, Kurt Angle, Big Show, Vader, British Bulldog, Owen Hart and others in his time, but he never had a feud worth more than 3 weeks of a writer's time.

10) Gutcheck- 5/10

Blackman should get some credit for keep trying to ply his trade and make it into the big time of the world of wrestling. He had an extended case of malaria from working shows in Africa once upon a time, but he did keep striving to break into the big time of World Wrestling Federation, which he did in 1997. He had a decent run there too but really left no mark on the company of any significant measure, despite his desire to get there. Once you get the ball, you have to run with it, not plod along with a gym bag full of useless gimmicks. Words to live by.

Total: 31
Ranking: Jobber
PO: Thumbs down

Saturday, March 15, 2008

WWF SummerSlam Spectacular TV Special - 8/23/92

The mega build for SummerSlam '92, complete with Bobby Heenan dressed as Sherlock Holmes!

1) Ric Flair vs. Tito Santana - 6
Watching these two work together on '92 WWF TV is pure bliss. Take away Santana's bullfighter gimmick and Mr. Perfect being in Flair's corner and you're left with two fine athletes competing in a great back-and-forth encounter. Flair and Perfect were the subject of controversy going into the SummerSlam main event even though they weren't booked to wrestle. They were playing mind games with Warrior and Savage about who's corner Perfect would be in during the match, an angle Heenan hyped big on commentary throughout the show. Anyway, Perfect runs strategic interference during the match and takes out Santana's knee with a chair. A high point of the match was when Santana locked Flair in the Figure-4 and it was teased that Flair would have to submit to his own hold. Santana sold the chair shot to the knee like a true sport and Flair wins with his Figure-4. You don't get much better than this on WWF TV in 1992.

2) Tatanka vs. Kato - 4
Tatanka was paired up against Kato here because Kato is managed by Mr. Fuji and so is The Berzerker. Kato got in some limited offense and made the match itself competitive. Tatanka was thrown to the outside and Fuji nailed him with the cane. During the match, the announcers build up the Tatanka/Berzerker match at SummerSlam. The match was eventually cut from the pay-per-view but was shown on Prime Time Wrestling weeks after SummerSlam. Tatanka wins with the Samoan drop (but he's not even Samoan!!!). Kato would be phased out shortly after and would take over the Max Moon gimmick in 1993.

3) Nailz vs. Ken Wayne - 2
Wayne was the hammer for Nailz in this bout! However, in the end, Nailz did all the hammering. A total squash for Nailz as he pretty much mopped the floor with the jobber dude's horrendous mullet.

4) Randy Savage & The Ultimate Warrior vs. The Nasty Boys - 5
What a story this match told! Savage and Warrior were the unlikely teammates who couldn't get along at all. This was set up by showing clips of Flair and Perfect setting up both men on the idea that the other was in negotiations with Perfect. It may sound confusing but this angle was great back in the day. Savage and Warrior were leery of each other and didn't even get along for the sake of the match. Now, mind you, the ring action wasn't great by any means but the reason this got a 5 is because of the angle and the story surrounding Savage and Warrior. The end saw a ref bump followed by Perfect and Flair attacking the Warrior while Savage was being beaten down by the Nasties. The Nasties winning by count-out was an afterthought as Savage and Warrior cut promos on each other for the Mr. Perfect situation. Simple but effective.

5) Rick Martel vs. Joey Maggs - 3
Oh, Joey Maggs, what have you done for me lately. Oh, wait ... you died not long ago. Martel comes out with Indian feathers attached to his beret. Maggs almost scores an upset when Sherri saunters down to ringside and distracts Martel. Moments later, Martel regroups and wins with the Boston Crab.

6) Kamala vs. Burt Stiles - 2
What is it with these portly jobber fellows and their hideous mullets? Kamala played like he was lost in the ring. Kimchee was guiding him from ringside even with how to pin the mullet-haired warrior. Afterwards, Stiles was stuck on a spit and roasted over an open flame ... because cannibals do that type of thing.

7) Ted DiBiase & I.R.S. vs. The Bushwhackers - 3
There wasn't much to this one. The announcers built up the fact that DiBiase & I.R.S. would face the Legion of Doom at SummerSlam. Heenan made jokes about the Bushwhackers having no teeth and no brains. DiBiase and I.R.S. win it with a roll-up. Again, not much here but the Bushwhackers were carried to a respectable bout.

8) Bret Hart vs. Skinner - 3
This looked good on paper but the one major problem I had was that Skinner controlled almost the whole match. Hart was feigning fatigue and Heenan was hypothesizing about what would happen to Bret if he was beaten by Skinner. Almost at the exact moment Heenan finished the sentence, Hart slapped on a sharpshooter from out of nowhere.

Going in, this was a one match show and that one match was Savage/Warrior against the Nasty Boys. That match did was it was supposed to do and that was to drive a wedge even further between Savage and Warrior and to continue the Mr. Perfect controversy. The Flair/Santana match was a pleasant suprise and was definitely the most techinically sound out of anything on the show. Bret's match was disappointing and the three squashes did nothing for me. Overall, a decent show that was the final hard sell for SummerSlam but nothing big aside from the Perfect angle came out of it.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

wcw great american bash 2000

never hand over post #500.. and it’s a great honor to present you, this, my latest scathing review of the spectacularly shitty wrestling..

this was a sobering reminder of how horribly bad wcw was at this time.. - russo's fingerprints are all over this, just like they were all over his penis while he fondled it in his video store watching anne hathway.. - everything is so overbooked and overwritten, there's mounds of interference in every match, preposterous and wholly unnecessary insider references, and substandard work galore..

1. lieutenant loco vs. disco inferno - 1
loco comes out with the misfits in action.. - doing a promo, chavo pulls out a grenade, tony screams like he just walked in on his son masturbating in disbelief, and chavo threatens murder.. - what was this? - then, someone else grabs the stick and the promo continues as if that didn't just happen.. - disco comes out with the filthy animals, who are just cheesing it up and collecting checks.. - disco's wearing a lousy oversized kobe bryant jersey and chavo's foot gets stuck in it during a kick and they topple over like jengo.. - both factions interfere.. a lot.. - an old man in army fatigues runs down, has a heart attack, and major guns gives him mouth-to-mouth and he awakes to molest her.. - more guys get involved, ultimately leading to disco getting pinned due to corporal cajun interfering, and the ref makes the count anyway even though he plainly sees cajun blatantly in the ring..

2. mamalukes vs. kronic - 3
this was going fine for what it was.. basic 90's-style power tag wrestling.. - kronic didn't look too inept.. - then came the last few minutes, which hurt its score big time.. - kronic started botching stuff left and right.. - one of them did a move similar to lesnar's f-5, but dropped big vito directly on his head.. - then, when it came time to do their finishing doubleteam maneuver, the high times, they couldn't get situated and then mistimed it, looking very amateurish.. - shit..

3. mike awesome vs. diamond dallas page - ambulance match - 2
started off exchanging punches, then they both turned and punched the ref, but it was supposed to be simultaneously, however they timed it about as good as the average teenage pregnancy.. - timing continued to be an issue.. - lazy brawling, including some stuff over the rails into the crowd.. - no wonder awesome committed suicide.. - ddp hit a diamond cutter off the buckles, but the two goofs managing the gurney didn't recognize their cue, so page broke character and yelled at them.. just like he yelled at his divorce attorney after kimberly left his fleshy ass.. - just as mike's almost rolled to the back, keep an eye out, when they are pushing the stretcher through a tight squeeze between the ramp and guardrail, awesome who's supposedly unconscious, uses his hands to navigate with his eyes closed.. - then some lame music hits and bischoff comes out, page clobbers him, only to have the paralyzed, wheelchair bound vegetable kanyon stand up and turn on ddp.. - swerve city, baby.. russo 101.. and it sucks dog dongs..

4. g.i. bro vs. sean stasiak - boot camp match - 4
booker enters using a ripcord like micheals' did at wrestlemania.. - difference is nobody cared here.. - stasiak enters ringside also adorned in cheap army fatigues and face paint.. - easily the most acceptable wrestling on the whole show.. - mixture of brawling outside and some in-ring stuff.. - booker takes a hellacious suplex on the metal ramp.. - of course, there's interference.. as chuck palumbo uses a "lex flexor", a piece of exercise equipment, to bludgeon g.i. bro.. - one announcer states that these boot camp matches are so brutal you'll only likely see a wrestler compete in one or two in a lifetime.. and is then corrected that this is the first boot camp match on wcw pay-per-view.. - stasiak must have been watching some footage of his dad, as he had a little more fire here than normal..

5. shane douglas vs. the wall - best of 5 tables match - 3
douglas cuts a primo asshole promo.. dropping words like "piece of shit" for cheap heat.. - originally this was to be a match where the first person thrown through a table lost.. - douglas says let's make it five tables.. - the announcers are confused, and keep calling it a "best of 9" but later rebuke that and say "best of 5" officially.. - i think the wall could have been a good upper mid-card ovw heel had he not died.. - douglas takes two insipid table bumps on the floor.. - then they brawl to the back where this giant ladder and humongous three-table structure is magically awaiting them.. - no explanation is given on who put that fucking deathtrap there.. - oh well.. - douglas knocks the wall off, but he overshoots his jump, nearly dying as he takes the huge, shitty stuntman bump to end this batch of bile..

6. tank abbot and rick stiener vs. scott stiener - handicap asylum match - 1
awful.. - at the last second they announce that it'll be handicap and rick joins tubby tank.. - they lower this tiny, circular cage that looks like a kid-sized version of the ufc octagon.. - a bunch of shitty stomps and uninspired pummeling of scott.. who just lays there sans emotion like karen angle in a seedy orlando red roof inn.. - rick holds his brother while tank takes a wild swing with brass knuckles, rick decides against having his brother's brains scrambled, tossing him aside, and eats the shot.. - the timing on this, yet another swerve, was off.. - glorious garbage..

7. hollywood hogan vs. billy kidman - 3
i understand why everyone hates mark madden.. - he tries to play up to internet fans way too much.. but in the process often buries talent.. - kidman bumps around a lot to hogan's slow offense.. - kidman takes a wicked bump on the announcer's table.. - match is going fairly okay, but then of course we get interference.. - russo is as predictable as christy hemme on ladies' night.. - torrie wilson comes out, tries to distract hogan, but gets knocked off the apron and takes a shitty spill to the floor.. - she gets peeved, and wouldn't you know it, swerve city as she turns on her boyfriend, uppercutting his junk..

8. ric flair vs. david flair - 2
talk about overkill, both this and the last match featured retirement stipulations, where if the legend lost, they'd be forced to hang up the trunks and pain pills forever.. - first thing i notice is, even though he looks goofy as hell wrestling in a t-shirt, tight faded jeans, and tennis shoes.. david flair is definitely better than shane mcmahon.. - his chops and forearms aren't bad.. - flair doesn't take it lightly on his boy, either.. - funny moment when they're brawling outside near a rail.. you clearly hear some hick yell, "my dad used to give me shit too, fuck 'em up!"..- russo gets involved.. a lot.. - this goes from a pleasant surprise to a shopping bag full of zebra shit.. - russo hits ric a couple times with the fakest baseball bat ever conceived.. - they handcuff ric.. but things get even lamer.. - ric's youngest boy, little reid, hops the rail.. - russo tries to get himself over with cheap, immoral heat.. as he shoves reid by the face onto his boyish ass.. - then reid pops russo in his italian sausage.. - flair's daughter hops the rail and handcuffs a fallen russo's hands behind his back.. the whole time russo is screaming "bitch, you bitch!" coming off sleazier than ever.. - flair wins.. but it gets more bizarre.. - the flair family celebrates back near the entrance aisle.. - russo grabs a mic and says the following night on nitro he'd retire flair, as well as dropping a few more curse words in hopes of coming off as a tough guy.. - while that's going on, they keep cutting back to this surreal image of the flair family, as ric's laughing and reid is going nuts doing degeneration x crotch chops like they're going out of style..

9. vampiro vs. sting - human torch match - 2
this reeks of russo's rectum.. as he likely shat out the concept one night while flipping through the may '99 issue of "juggs".. - sting puts the torch on top of the forty-foot entrance stage.. just for shits and giggles i guess.. - they take no time brawling from the ring back there.. bringing on a cavalcade of shitty spots.. - when they do finally both make it atop the ramp, the announcers are feigning fear like they're doing a live play-by-play of a terrorist attack, all the while.. the lighting starts getting all weird like a strobe light on the fritz, and weird thunder sound effects start mysteriously playing for no apparent reason.. - after a couple minutes of real low impact stuff up top, sting gets set aflame and does a somersault off the ramp onto the "stage", or, some crash pads, below.. - afterward they get a shot of mark madden, scott hudson, and tony schavonie.. trying their hardest to act somber and disturbed.. - it's a real hoot.. - tony says, and i quote, "the 11th of june, 2000, will never be forgotten".. - hahahahaha.. what a joke fuck you this sucks..

10. jeff jarrett vs. kevin nash - 2
i thought this might be decent.. their tna pay-per-view main event together was better than it had any right being.. - but, it's russo we're discussing, and before the match even starts, ernest "the cat" miller comes out and announces that each and every filthy animals member will be playing the role of some ringside laborer.. be it bell ringer, etc. - so, instantly, this turns into a giant clown act.. - they do the extended, shitty crowd brawl sequence.. which jarrett turned into an eyesore art form in tna.. - some of the stuff of jarrett working nash's legs was real good.. but completely lost in the context of this mess.. - all the guys at ringside get involved.. then rick steiner comes out and helps out the filthy animals and jarrett.. - as this is happening, we get a quick glance of scott stiener and tank abbot having a crappy tussle near the ramp.. - goldberg emerges in a giant, gold monster truck.. - he'd been gone for a while.. - he comes down to the ring, the crowd’s hot, and guess what? swerve city, bitch! - that's right.. he spears nash instead of jarret.. thus going heel, negating all that precious merchandizing revenue, and essentially killing one of the greatest runs in wcw history.. - bischoff and russo come out to pose with goldberg in a disgusting visual to this inexplicable vat of veal vomit..