Saturday, March 8, 2008

wcw great american bash 2000

never hand over post #500.. and it’s a great honor to present you, this, my latest scathing review of the spectacularly shitty wrestling..

this was a sobering reminder of how horribly bad wcw was at this time.. - russo's fingerprints are all over this, just like they were all over his penis while he fondled it in his video store watching anne hathway.. - everything is so overbooked and overwritten, there's mounds of interference in every match, preposterous and wholly unnecessary insider references, and substandard work galore..

1. lieutenant loco vs. disco inferno - 1
loco comes out with the misfits in action.. - doing a promo, chavo pulls out a grenade, tony screams like he just walked in on his son masturbating in disbelief, and chavo threatens murder.. - what was this? - then, someone else grabs the stick and the promo continues as if that didn't just happen.. - disco comes out with the filthy animals, who are just cheesing it up and collecting checks.. - disco's wearing a lousy oversized kobe bryant jersey and chavo's foot gets stuck in it during a kick and they topple over like jengo.. - both factions interfere.. a lot.. - an old man in army fatigues runs down, has a heart attack, and major guns gives him mouth-to-mouth and he awakes to molest her.. - more guys get involved, ultimately leading to disco getting pinned due to corporal cajun interfering, and the ref makes the count anyway even though he plainly sees cajun blatantly in the ring..

2. mamalukes vs. kronic - 3
this was going fine for what it was.. basic 90's-style power tag wrestling.. - kronic didn't look too inept.. - then came the last few minutes, which hurt its score big time.. - kronic started botching stuff left and right.. - one of them did a move similar to lesnar's f-5, but dropped big vito directly on his head.. - then, when it came time to do their finishing doubleteam maneuver, the high times, they couldn't get situated and then mistimed it, looking very amateurish.. - shit..

3. mike awesome vs. diamond dallas page - ambulance match - 2
started off exchanging punches, then they both turned and punched the ref, but it was supposed to be simultaneously, however they timed it about as good as the average teenage pregnancy.. - timing continued to be an issue.. - lazy brawling, including some stuff over the rails into the crowd.. - no wonder awesome committed suicide.. - ddp hit a diamond cutter off the buckles, but the two goofs managing the gurney didn't recognize their cue, so page broke character and yelled at them.. just like he yelled at his divorce attorney after kimberly left his fleshy ass.. - just as mike's almost rolled to the back, keep an eye out, when they are pushing the stretcher through a tight squeeze between the ramp and guardrail, awesome who's supposedly unconscious, uses his hands to navigate with his eyes closed.. - then some lame music hits and bischoff comes out, page clobbers him, only to have the paralyzed, wheelchair bound vegetable kanyon stand up and turn on ddp.. - swerve city, baby.. russo 101.. and it sucks dog dongs..

4. g.i. bro vs. sean stasiak - boot camp match - 4
booker enters using a ripcord like micheals' did at wrestlemania.. - difference is nobody cared here.. - stasiak enters ringside also adorned in cheap army fatigues and face paint.. - easily the most acceptable wrestling on the whole show.. - mixture of brawling outside and some in-ring stuff.. - booker takes a hellacious suplex on the metal ramp.. - of course, there's interference.. as chuck palumbo uses a "lex flexor", a piece of exercise equipment, to bludgeon g.i. bro.. - one announcer states that these boot camp matches are so brutal you'll only likely see a wrestler compete in one or two in a lifetime.. and is then corrected that this is the first boot camp match on wcw pay-per-view.. - stasiak must have been watching some footage of his dad, as he had a little more fire here than normal..

5. shane douglas vs. the wall - best of 5 tables match - 3
douglas cuts a primo asshole promo.. dropping words like "piece of shit" for cheap heat.. - originally this was to be a match where the first person thrown through a table lost.. - douglas says let's make it five tables.. - the announcers are confused, and keep calling it a "best of 9" but later rebuke that and say "best of 5" officially.. - i think the wall could have been a good upper mid-card ovw heel had he not died.. - douglas takes two insipid table bumps on the floor.. - then they brawl to the back where this giant ladder and humongous three-table structure is magically awaiting them.. - no explanation is given on who put that fucking deathtrap there.. - oh well.. - douglas knocks the wall off, but he overshoots his jump, nearly dying as he takes the huge, shitty stuntman bump to end this batch of bile..

6. tank abbot and rick stiener vs. scott stiener - handicap asylum match - 1
awful.. - at the last second they announce that it'll be handicap and rick joins tubby tank.. - they lower this tiny, circular cage that looks like a kid-sized version of the ufc octagon.. - a bunch of shitty stomps and uninspired pummeling of scott.. who just lays there sans emotion like karen angle in a seedy orlando red roof inn.. - rick holds his brother while tank takes a wild swing with brass knuckles, rick decides against having his brother's brains scrambled, tossing him aside, and eats the shot.. - the timing on this, yet another swerve, was off.. - glorious garbage..

7. hollywood hogan vs. billy kidman - 3
i understand why everyone hates mark madden.. - he tries to play up to internet fans way too much.. but in the process often buries talent.. - kidman bumps around a lot to hogan's slow offense.. - kidman takes a wicked bump on the announcer's table.. - match is going fairly okay, but then of course we get interference.. - russo is as predictable as christy hemme on ladies' night.. - torrie wilson comes out, tries to distract hogan, but gets knocked off the apron and takes a shitty spill to the floor.. - she gets peeved, and wouldn't you know it, swerve city as she turns on her boyfriend, uppercutting his junk..

8. ric flair vs. david flair - 2
talk about overkill, both this and the last match featured retirement stipulations, where if the legend lost, they'd be forced to hang up the trunks and pain pills forever.. - first thing i notice is, even though he looks goofy as hell wrestling in a t-shirt, tight faded jeans, and tennis shoes.. david flair is definitely better than shane mcmahon.. - his chops and forearms aren't bad.. - flair doesn't take it lightly on his boy, either.. - funny moment when they're brawling outside near a rail.. you clearly hear some hick yell, "my dad used to give me shit too, fuck 'em up!"..- russo gets involved.. a lot.. - this goes from a pleasant surprise to a shopping bag full of zebra shit.. - russo hits ric a couple times with the fakest baseball bat ever conceived.. - they handcuff ric.. but things get even lamer.. - ric's youngest boy, little reid, hops the rail.. - russo tries to get himself over with cheap, immoral heat.. as he shoves reid by the face onto his boyish ass.. - then reid pops russo in his italian sausage.. - flair's daughter hops the rail and handcuffs a fallen russo's hands behind his back.. the whole time russo is screaming "bitch, you bitch!" coming off sleazier than ever.. - flair wins.. but it gets more bizarre.. - the flair family celebrates back near the entrance aisle.. - russo grabs a mic and says the following night on nitro he'd retire flair, as well as dropping a few more curse words in hopes of coming off as a tough guy.. - while that's going on, they keep cutting back to this surreal image of the flair family, as ric's laughing and reid is going nuts doing degeneration x crotch chops like they're going out of style..

9. vampiro vs. sting - human torch match - 2
this reeks of russo's rectum.. as he likely shat out the concept one night while flipping through the may '99 issue of "juggs".. - sting puts the torch on top of the forty-foot entrance stage.. just for shits and giggles i guess.. - they take no time brawling from the ring back there.. bringing on a cavalcade of shitty spots.. - when they do finally both make it atop the ramp, the announcers are feigning fear like they're doing a live play-by-play of a terrorist attack, all the while.. the lighting starts getting all weird like a strobe light on the fritz, and weird thunder sound effects start mysteriously playing for no apparent reason.. - after a couple minutes of real low impact stuff up top, sting gets set aflame and does a somersault off the ramp onto the "stage", or, some crash pads, below.. - afterward they get a shot of mark madden, scott hudson, and tony schavonie.. trying their hardest to act somber and disturbed.. - it's a real hoot.. - tony says, and i quote, "the 11th of june, 2000, will never be forgotten".. - hahahahaha.. what a joke fuck you this sucks..

10. jeff jarrett vs. kevin nash - 2
i thought this might be decent.. their tna pay-per-view main event together was better than it had any right being.. - but, it's russo we're discussing, and before the match even starts, ernest "the cat" miller comes out and announces that each and every filthy animals member will be playing the role of some ringside laborer.. be it bell ringer, etc. - so, instantly, this turns into a giant clown act.. - they do the extended, shitty crowd brawl sequence.. which jarrett turned into an eyesore art form in tna.. - some of the stuff of jarrett working nash's legs was real good.. but completely lost in the context of this mess.. - all the guys at ringside get involved.. then rick steiner comes out and helps out the filthy animals and jarrett.. - as this is happening, we get a quick glance of scott stiener and tank abbot having a crappy tussle near the ramp.. - goldberg emerges in a giant, gold monster truck.. - he'd been gone for a while.. - he comes down to the ring, the crowd’s hot, and guess what? swerve city, bitch! - that's right.. he spears nash instead of jarret.. thus going heel, negating all that precious merchandizing revenue, and essentially killing one of the greatest runs in wcw history.. - bischoff and russo come out to pose with goldberg in a disgusting visual to this inexplicable vat of veal vomit..


Didge said...

wow, this was fantastic! i know it is cause im the king of wishful thinking!

Jessie said...

wonderfully written...possibly the most scathing review ever conceived on NHO...and aimed rightfully at the piece of tiny flesh Russo calls a, this just epitomized the level of pure stupidity he brought to wrestling...i feel like emailing this to every wrestling journalist in the world...and russo and telling him to fuck off...thanks.

Brian said...

thanks for the praise, boys.. - if you like this.. there's much more to come in '08.. i'm not handing anything over except analysis on the best and worst of my beloved buisness..

Adam said...

Great work ... I agree with Jessie in that this is the most scathing review ever posted on NHO. It makes my piece on UWF Beach Brawl and Jessie's post on HWA Cyberclash look tame by comparison.

Jessie said...

yeah, Beach Brawl was badly put together by old wrestlers who would probably rather have a hot meal and a blowjay than good psych and HWA speaks for itself, but this was a multi-billion dollar company, a conglomerate of Time Warner....there's no excuse...i'm sure russo has a logical defense for turning goldberg heel...that's funny, i don't remember the 2nd installment of that shoot coming out with him and ferrara...oh, well, that religious fed will cushion their fall, HA!