Tuesday, May 2, 2006

TNA Lockdown '06

1. Team USA (Dutt, Shelley, Lethal) vs. Team Japan (Goto, Tanaka, Black Tiger) - 6
2. Christopher Daniels vs. Shinshi - 6
3. Bob Armstrong vs. Konnan - Arm Wrestling - 1
4. Chase Stevens vs. Petey Williams vs. Puma vs. Chris Sabin vs. Elix Skipper vs. Shark Boy - 4
5. Sabu vs. Samoa Joe - 4
6. Team 3-D vs. Team Canada - Anthem Match - 3
7. Christian vs. Abyss - 5
8. Sting's Warriors (Sting, Styles, Truth, Rhino) vs. Jarrett’s Army (Jarrett, AMW, Steiner) - Lethal Lockdown - 5

Last year's Lockdown ranked right behind WWE's New Years Revolution as the worst pay-per-view of the year -- it was insultingly awful. I'd rather be locked in a cage myself, devoid of food or human contact, than attempt to rationalize why someone thought a show containing nothing but cage matches is a wonderful idea. The opener was fun to watch, but I did to say a couple things before moving forward. First off, Black Tiger isn't Japanese guy -- he just brought a picture of a one with him when he went to Supercuts. He really wants us to believe he is, but he's about as Japanese as 10-inch penis. To top it off, Black Tiger was Eddy Guerrero's gimmick in Japan -- how dare they disgrace his memory with this loser. That aside, this was the most fluid and worthwhile wrestling on the entire show. Shinshi (formerly Low Ki) was a pleasant surprise -- too bad he was extremely toned down, and yet still, Daniels couldn't hang with him. These guys have worked far better matches together, that being said, this was still one of the highlights of the show. Armstrong should have left the wrestling scene after SMW folded in the 90’s; instead, we're forced to watch this old bastard eat up valuable time. He should be at Bob Evan's eating pie, not strapping Konnan's back. The cruiserweight match could have been awesome, but it was mostly forgettable, save for Chase doing a shooting star press off of the top of the cage and absolutely nobody catching him.

Sabu and Joe was thoroughly disappointing -- in an interview, Joe said he was going to try and have the match of his career. Instead, we got a uninspired squash match, and I'd rather watch Joe's early stuff in UPW than see him further disgrace the legacy of Sabu. The anthem match was the worst thing on this show, containing sloppy work, ridiculous story, and a retched finish. Eric Young's flying elbowdrop through a table looked like shit -- and he knows it. Abyss pummeled Christian for most of their match, and I have to be frank, I'm not buying Christian as championship material. His defenses thus far have been lackluster, and this only further cemented my suspicions. I won't even get into how Abyss was the only guy here who took decent bumps, and Cage's splash off of the top of the cage didn't impress me very much. The main event could have been a classic; instead it bombed like Hogan's acting career. It started off good, AMW methodically working over AJ, but as it progressed it got more congested than New York traffic. Sting and Jarrett, the veterans, looked especially bad. By the end of the match, we were looking around at guys who were crawling across or lying on the canvas, wondering how in the hell they got there, and what exactly it was they were doing there. Style and Storm got on top of the cage, which had a roof, and subsequently did one of the more bizarre spots I've seen in quite some time. AJ put Storm on a table on the cage's roof, then used a ladder to hang from the lighting grid, where he fell off splashing Storm through the table. Interesting? Certainly. Believable? Most assuredly not. This was supposed to be a bloody fight -- a war, in fact, but was instead a poorly designed, constructed, and executed farce. Shame on you eight men! You stained the memory of the classic War Games matches of WCW, and made a mockery of the business we love. Please go back to retirement, Sting; and take your Warriors with you.

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