Kane vs. Orton vs. Reigns vs. Cena

Kane vs. Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns vs. John Cena - WWE Battleground '14 - 4

As all four square-off it felt like a sceenshot from a '90's fighting arcade game. Too bad no poorly dubbed "Round One!" sound bite. Cena bumps off the apron from a swiping Kane shot that looked like a slow-moving bear fresh from hibernation lethargically pawing at a nearby honey bee. Never before has camouflage looked so non-intimidating then here paired with neon green arm bands. I wish Kane would go to CMLL and feud with Virus. Orton gets hit so hard he probably considered going AWOL just like he did in the military. Reigns' newer pocket-heavy gear makes him look like a walking fanny pack. I wonder if Kane will ever write a book? Love to hear him defend that atrocious feud with Edge where Paul Bearer tied to a wheelchair was force-fed chicken wings and greasy pizza. Orton's trajectory is looking like another forgettable mid-card match at WrestleMania this year. Wait -- didn't he lose clean to Kane at Mania a couple years back? I think most willfully forgot that dud.

Kane will be wearing adult diapers a little sooner after taking a thunderous Samoan Drop from Roman. Orton's half-crab looked slipshod. Will Randy ever find another Benoit? Does Michael Modest still live in that attic? McMahon never capitalized on Cena vs. Undertaker at a Mania (idiot) but I doubt he'll make the same mistake with the potential Reigns vs. Cena mega match-up down the road. Their exchange here was about a 3.5 on the Warrior/Hogan scale so just like your mom's scalloped potatoes it'll need some seasoning.

Roman speared Randy through the barricade and it wasn't played for laughs. Anyone remember when Brock ended the streak? Or when Kane feuded with a second Kane? I digress. Kane took the AA then a nap. It's a good thing Cena thought better of getting that UPW tattoo. Finisher train ends with Cena giving Orton the AA onto Kane then pinning the "Devil's Favorite Demon of Director of Operations". Since it's PG now wonder if they'll get Kane to bring back his Christmas Creature gimmick for a one-shot this December? It's ironic that Kane used to come out to a song by Finger Eleven as that's also the amount of farmer's daughters he fingered when he was in Smokey Mountain as Unibomb.

Ultimate Warrior vs. Horowitz

Ultimate Warrior vs. Barry Horowitz - WWF Challenge 11/7/87

Recently watched all seven hours of Ultimate Warrior: The Ultimate Collection in one sitting that resembled an agonizing extended 4-Methylphenylisobutylamine trip. Barry is like a local stage co. version of Edmond O'Brien all aplomb confusion at running into the brick wall that is Warrior's toned physique. Like Horowitz's affectations selling a clothesline by shaking his leg like a dog. It was clear Warrior was going to be something special. Wish they would have included all three of his horrendous performances in WCW. He looked like a balloon stuffed full of hard dog turds during that run. Oh well. RIP.