NWA F1 This City Burns

Feb. 20, 2010

1) Rich Swann/ RV1 v. The Runaways- 4
So Joe Wayne Gacy has nothing on Joan Jett in regards to fashion or charisma. So they are doing this show in a skating rink but if you're going to film this for release, turn on a light switch! The video just looks 2nd rate all the way like that. That being said, this match flowed effortlessly into 15 minute territory without feeling rote or excessive. Swann looked actively good and I was actually nodding off dreaming about the same fin they used in a strange moment.

2) Diego Damarco v. Hybrid Josh Adams- 4
This was pretty solid if not a languid pace but that's not a big issue. Damarco actually pulled off a few nifty locks that would be huge if registered inside an MMA cage. Good sell of a ddt, but Damarco trying to pull off a Savio Vega kick in the corner and falling outside and hurting himself was a unintentionally funny moment.

3) Monster Squad v. Team Lancelot- 1
I have no idea what was going on here, the Monster Squad was not literally Dracula, Wolf Man, Mummy or the Creature from the Black Lagoon like in the raucous 80's film, they were two fat slobs. The other team looked like a Colony rip off but as characters who are silly knights wearing pleather masks. Didn't go long as some other dweeb interfered and this lighting is driving me nuts.

4) Greg Excellent v. Adam Cole v. Tyler Veritas v. CORE v. Cory Kastle v. Sabian -3
These can be kind of a mess, but this one wasn't, seemed fairly organized, but nothing of note was happening. Cole and Veritas were trying to do some subtle Midnight Express same sex "male companion" gimmick but it just didn't get through. Excellent stuck out like sore thumb here and the finish he was involved in just felt wrong. Relly funny laugh out loud moment late in the bout when Kastle and Veritas hit the concrete outside doing really lazy backdrop bumps and slapped the ground like someone threw a half pound of bologna at the side of an oil tanker.

5)Nicky Benz v. Ryu Lee - 2
I have no clue who Benz is but he came out wearing a tuxedo t shirt thing and doing his own talk show. It went over as well as Abraham Washington's did, comparably. Then Lee comes out, who looks nothing like his Street Fighter namesake and more like Tyler Black's stoner buddy from high school. Benz pulls off some really crisp offense, but has no idea how to work as this arrogant prick heel; he did a split legged moonsault? That would be like Darth Vader choking another failed Empire general then throwing Leia a birthday party. Also, when almost every match features a guy doing these pseduo-MMA knee strikes, they became as special as a entering a Kardashian snatch. They were blowing spots left and right heading towards the finish so no thanks.

6) DJ Hyde v. Johnny Calzone - 1
This was a turd. Calzone whiped Hyde around ringside, getting fans to hold him down for some weak chops; bet in his hometown, he's the Norm Peterson to the local Dolly Madison bakery. Hyde produces little to care about, as normal except a purple nurple, which how sad that doesn't even get a pop anymore. Some Snooki lookalike comes out and hits Hyde with the slowest tornado DDT in recorded history to mercifully end this pile of pterodactyl dung.

7) Sami Callihan v. Rhett Titus- 6
Has anyone since Benoit threw themselves into each and every performance with such vigor as Callihan? Please raise your glass to a toast to Callihan's mental facilities. Sami had such a great match here, really going all out selling and taking each bump really hard. Titus got to showcase himself here too, as I loved the simple ferocity he executed in every move, whether it's a chop, kick or kneedrop. There was some ROH style counter for counter stuff that felt sort of cooperative and the ending was written by whoever booked WWE in 2000 with 3 ref bumps and all this other schecanery but the bulk was too good to ignore. Think these two matched up really well

8) Kevin Cunningham v. The Phoenix 2
(I Quit Mask v. Hair Match)
Cunningham literally looks 19 with no muscle tone at all. Early on he tries to kick Phoenix from the apron and he falls off backwards, with a nasty splat, like a bug hitting your windshield on a long country drive. Kevin tries Tajiri's hand spring off the ropes and dumps himself on his head so Phoenix German suplexes the shit out of him. Cunningham's punches look as mechancial as a robot. I think Justin Beiber could kick his ass. They tried to do some stiff spots with the ring bell but i was more hoping they'd take whoever's gallon of iced tea was sitting there and use it as a weapon. They pulled a fan who looked like Saddam Hussein's son out of a chair and he smirks like he's the smartest man in the business. DDT on a baking pan we get from the Dollar Store to use for Thanksgiving which has the impact of your child's homemade paper Christmas ornament. They are trying to use some good tactics for the I Quit victory but Cunningham takes a Modest Drop and a piledriver through a chair, which we believe would kill him besides the fact Phoenix so clearly takes the brunt of the shot on his thighs and backside. STO on a chair table with a guy who weighs as much as a half full cooler? Who thought that would work? They have some good ideas but instead of two athletes doing this, it feels like your little brother and his buddy mapped out a bunch of Mick Foley spots. Handcuffs come out and I'm praying we don't see another Beyond the Mat finish. Fuck, we do. Oh no, Cunningham drags a woman into the ring, who 's not realy identified and who's bigger than Cunnie and this gets him the win. This thing was fighting for a 3 but it's not going to get it. I didn't buy half the stuff they did to each other and still not give up when it would seem more plausible that an ingrown toenail would get both men to say I Quit faster than you can say "This City Burns." Anyone want to pontificate on the meaning of that? Holy Al Yankovich