I was going through my hard drive full of wrestling and found this. What is this? I’m not sure. The ring is set up behind some farmhouse in amongst a bunch of grain silos and barns with the occasional car driving by in the background. It is adorned on the sides with Budweiser and Bud Light ring skirts. Bleachers are set up probably in someone’s backyard and the whole area is surrounded by orange construction fencing. The locker room is the garage where the family car is kept and you can see the neighbor’s house across the street in the background as the wrestlers come out. This is probably the most surreal setting I’ve ever seen from a wrestling show. It’s like a cross between a backyard show and a show at the county fair. The card features 11 matches with a staggering run time of 3 hours 20 minutes and so I’m watching and reviewing these in bunches to make this less painful on everyone, including myself.
1) Pit Stain vs. MoFoley vs. Kryptic – 0
2) Brett Michaels vs. Nubby Jones – 2
3) Ryan Project vs. Mark Jensen – 2
None of the three in the opening bout seemed to have a lick of professional training. Kryptic showed up in street clothes like he was just here to see the show and didn’t expect to get thrown into a match. Drake Younger and Billy Gram just bury the competitors on commentary and its awesome. Eventually, Billy Gram grows tired of this going nowhere, gets on the mic and calls out Freakshow who just beats the shit out of all three. Not a good way to start. Jones came out, announced as “the world’s friendliest pimp” and I instantly wanted to start crying. I’m not sure if it is out of sadness or laughter or a combination of both. You can guess by the name that Brett Michaels is a rip-off of the Poison frontman. Can’t say this was a good match by any means but compared to the first match, it’s a five star classic. Things were kept simple and nothing was botched, which is a plus. Only thing these guys really knew to do were clotheslines. The end featured interference from a random Thomaselli brother. Really only good thing about the third match was Project’s selling. Jensen showed some intensity and worked an acceptable heel character and got over by yelling at little children from the ring. Project tried a rana on the outside on the grass and dirt surrounding the ring and almost failed because he’s so skinny. Honestly, Project is so thin that if he turned sideways, he’d be invisible. Tornado DDT finishes off Jensen and the skies over the ring look cloudy as if it’s about to rain on the show.
4) Bobby Valentino vs. Silas Young – 3
5) Dysfunction vs. Troy Walters - 4
6) Martin Jones vs. “The New” Johnny Cash – 2
Silas Young coming out to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” and grinding against some oversized girl was a rather disturbing sight. These guys seemed fairly competent, especially Silas, who’s traveled the midwest circuit for years. Valentino bounced around pretty good and Silas threw clotheslines. Valentino busted out a nice little head scissor takeover from the top rope. Dysfunction, primarily a deathmatch wrestler, had a fairly solid outing against Walters, even though they set up and executed a basic splash spot in the corner with all the enthusiasm of a saltine cracker. Walters showed some promise and did a nice somersault through the middle rope. I liked the German suplex exchanges they did that Dustin Lee called “Daniel killers” on commentary. Dysfunction yelled “count shithead” at the useless ref during a pin attempt. The spot where Walters tried a flip off the top rope and was supposed to land on his feet but slipped on landing and crashed on his tailbone was a good spot for a chuckle. Not sure who though naming a skinny, blond, generic looking scrub after the one of the best musicians ever should be smacked. If the real Cash saw this guy, he would roll over in his grave. I rather liked Jones’ performance. His offense, aside from screwing up a vertical suplex and dropping Cash on his head and neck, was decent. His selling was there too and seemed the most competent of the no-name guys on the card thus far. Cash seemed lost at points and unsure of himself. I would be too if I was sent out there in generic blue tights and white boots for my first (and probably last) match.
7) Dustin Lee vs. Brody Hoofer – 3
8) Toby Klein vs. Austin Aries – 4
9) Scotty Vortekz vs. Necro Butcher – 3
This part of the show was the Dustin Lee show, unfortunately. His match with Hoofer featured a crowd brawl amongst the drunken rednecks and children that featured Irish whips into trees and portable toilets was fun. Big spot of the match was Lee taking a t-bone suplex onto gravel. I’ve never heard of this Hoofer character but he seemed like he knew what he was doing. Weird finish with Billy Gram coming out with a torch blowing fire and Toby Klein interfering and tossing Lee through a table that didn’t break. After the match, Lee just stands up in the ring, not selling a damn thing, as if nothing had ever happened. The Aries match started off pretty good with him showing that he’s the only one who gives a shit thus far. Klein working heel and doing some stalling until Dustin Lee comes back out, cashes in some “wild card” and makes himself the special referee. Really liked the back and forth action here, even though parts of this was to start setting up an angle between Lee and Klein. Klein did a nice springboard back elbow. Aries delivering knees to the top of Toby’s skull while holding him in a front facelock was fantastic. Ending was pretty bad with Gram spraying green mist in the face of both Lee and Aries and him dragging the original ref back in. By now, darkness has engulfed the outdoor surroundings and the ring is lit up with construction work lights and the lights on the farm buildings. Scotty and Necro brawled in the crowd forever. While most of it was just punching and dragging each other, there were a few cool spots including Scotty getting thrown off the back of the bleachers, both of them trading shots while holding cups of beer, and Scotty moonsaulting off the bleachers. Interference from Billy Gram and Toby Klein at the end led into another meaningless brawl between Lee and Toby Klein. Seriously?
10) Thumbtack Match: Insane Lane vs. Freakshow – 2
11) Barbed Wire and Light Tubes Match: Danny Havoc vs. Drake Younger – 5
Thumbtack match was just what you would expect from these two. Both guys carving each other up with forks on a rope and whacking each other numerous times with thumbtack covered cookie sheets. The full nelson slam from Freakshow into the tacks was pretty cool as was him splashing into the tacks like he was doing a belly flop into a swimming pool. Finishing spot was pretty bad with Freakshow laying in the tacks like a giant slug and Lane jumping off a buckle and dropping a chair across Show’s crimson covered dome. For the main event both guys rode a cart to the ring that was led with a DONKEY WRAPPED IN CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!! TREMENDOUS!!!! It should be noted that the donkey looked less than thrilled about the fact he was wrapped from end to end in holiday décor. The outside brawl was unique to say the least with them fighting in the parking lot, which was just a bunch of cars parked in the neighbors yard, and Drake dropping an elbow off the side of the feed mill!! Some of the highspots were botched, namely Drake trying to do a light tube assisted death valley driver. Havoc gave Drake a sunset flip off the buckle which ended up putting a giant hole in the back of Drake’s neck near his brain stem. Match gets a bonus point just for being the best match on the show. Overall, a pretty awful show as a whole and should be tossed on the scrap heap with all the other one and done indy feds.