JCW Flashlight Friday Night: Legends and Loonies 8/13/10

1. "Screams In the Night": Kamala & The Haters vs. Rock n' Roll Express & Tommy Rich - 2
2. "Feuding Famous Family Names": "Cowboy" Bob Orton vs. "Bullet" Bob Armstrong - 1
3. "Revenge Of The Bully": "Richie Boy" Bryer Wellington & Geeves vs. U-Gene & Brian Christopher - 2
4. "Good Ol' Scrap": "Southern" Tracy Smothers vs. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan - 4
5. "Out For Blood": Gangrel & Kevin Thorn vs. PG-13 - 4

This show is being held outside at 4AM lit by flashlights held by fans at ringside. By fans I mean disgusting abominations with claws and breadsticks as arms looking like unused villains from the He-Man and the Masters of the Universe series. The NWA all-star team in the opener looked about as bloated as a corpse found in the Mississippi River. The good 'ol boys favor the kneelift. There's something about bleached blonde mullets that just screams "wrestling!" Lots of expletives from both the talent and Violent J who is doing live commentary at ringside. This would have been a sort of cool oddity and treat had I been able to see much of it but they turned off the house lights then used one poorly managed spotlight which failed to illuminate the bulk of the action. The finish saw some sort of fleshly dogpile. The lights come on post-match and after seeing Tommy Rich in all his faded glory I'm quickly wishing they'd turn them promptly back off.

I'm sure the smell of stale cigarette smoke and soda and rapist regret filled the air that night. "Bullet" is wearing his old mask which I could have swore the Stud Stable confiscated. Maybe we'll get a Robert Fuller cameo? Months before being inducted into the WWE HoF Armstrong was literally wrestling in the dark. If Randy's a viper than his father's a trouser snake. If I had a time machine I'd go back and give "Bullet" Bob a vasectomy before he had all those sons. Armstrong gets the win with the lousiest sunset flip in recorded history.

If Bryer is rich why doesn't he buy some nicer gear? It starts off innocuously enough as a singles until Christopher pops and locks and dances his way into the ring and our hearts. The DVD listed this as a three-way but Wellington's butler Geeves gets tossed in -- I guess this was like a stew you season to taste but they put in a pinch too much of bullshit for my palate. Brian is working harder than anyone else thus far on the show so I've got to at least give him credit for that. The heels feed themselves to U-Gene's punches like his hand's a giant magnet and they're wearing tin suits. The ending is some roll-up where U-Gene was bouncing on the bottom rope like a doofus and got surprised. This was to good wrestling as an accidental fall dick-first into a blender is to good news.

My son is only eleven months old and has more teeth in his mouth than Smothers does. Tracy bumps and stooges well off of all of Duggan's offense. I wonder if they paid Tracy first or just shoved the crystal meth right up his nose? Jim's punches look like he's swinging a lunchbox. The ending involved Smothers' "daughter" Isabella gouging Jim in the ribs leading to another lousy roll-up finish but the body of this match was surprisingly likable and majestic. I wonder what Isabella gave up for Lent? The rumor is semen so hopefully she found protein alternatives in her diet.

With Hollywood being obsessed with vampires nowadays it's only appropriate Gangrel and Thorn find themselves teaming together in 2011. Gangrel would suck McMahon dry and not because he's a bloodsucker but to get his job back if you catch my drift. Wolfie looked like he hadn't missed a meal but probably an algebra class or fifty. Thorn looks perturbed his usual Friday night of writing Dollhouse fan fiction has been ruined. Oddly enough the sun has suddenly came out, which, while illuminating the action better, ruins the vampire mystique. Gangrel isn't sparkling but he is sweating (profusely). Thorn looks like Bobby Roode's goth twin brother that listens to Bauhaus and gives himself superficial cuts on his wrist to attract attention. Wolfie wearing a Chicago Bulls jersey almost makes me not want to go see them versus the Pacers but I've got NBA Playoffs tickets and not even that fashion faux pas will prevent me from attending. I'll alter one of my idol Booker T's lines when I scream, "Tell me I did not just see that!" While brawling on a makeshift ramp Thorn gets his face raked on a woman's bare voluptuous breasts at ringside. He sells an eyeful of areola. This started to feel like some sort of John Cassavetes' cinéma vérité filmmaking and less like a wrestling match as the level of surreality was unmeasurable. J.C. Ice works with the emotional depth of a children's flip book. Ice smashes Kevin in the face with a hubcap to end this nightmarish science experiment of a show.