Friday, April 1, 2011

NHO Road Report #5 - DWA "Dynamic Destiny 2011" - Trenton, OH 3/12/11

It's April Fool's Day so we thought it appropriate to review this joke of an indy show.

Adam: So I found out about this show through my friend Tim, who apparently went to their last show and left after intermission because it was so bad. I picked up Geo around 6:30 and we got to the venue and met up with Tim, Didge, and Tim's friend Brandon a little after 7. The line was monstrous and parking was a huge pain. Luckily, my mom lives about a ten-minute walk from the venue so Geo and I parked there and walked over. The show was billed as a mini fan-fest where you could meet Demolition, Brutus Beefcake, Greg Valentine, Dan Severn, and Sunny. Tim and I got our copies of "Swamp Zombies" autographed by Severn and chatted with him for a bit about the film. It was very surreal for me to see all these people I've seen on TV for years doing a show at a roller rink where I used to attend skating parties at in third grade. Lots of shady creatures were in attendance, including a number of people I saw in high school and never really wanted to see again. Some jackass taking down the disco ball above the rink got a bigger pop than most everyone else on the show.

Brian: Jessie and I arrived right at 8PM, supposedly bell time, running late from a film shoot for a new fiction series we're working on. We bantered on the ride up about our forthcoming Nitro project and the finer aspects of Ciclope. Upon entering the building (a skating rink) I quarreled with the mental quandary of rather I wanted to watch wrestling or play Skee Ball. So much bad hair and denim. Immediately, like inches away from where my gang of friends were standing, was Brutus Beefcake. Zodiac? The Booty Man? Dizzy Hogan? You get the idea. Well, my first response was, "I've seen better skin on a piece of fried chicken!" Guy looked like a billboard for the cons of tanning. I've seen beef jerky with better texture. I walked around taking in the scene which was simultaneously troubling and bizarrely intriguing. Sunny, I don't mind saying, looked phenomenal. She'd aged well like a fine red wine. Still, she'll never be hotter than when she managed The Smoking Gunns and got that bucket of slop poured over her head on the ring steps. My pants explode just thinking of it. They stalled forever and we made offhand jokes waiting to see someone bump.

Geo: Rolling up to the huge ass line in Adam's Chevy Cavalier, I felt a sense of overwhelming excitement and depression as looking at the crowd it was clear some of these people had escaped the local insane asylum. As we entered the skating rink, I was more concerned with the fact that they had ICE BALL machines - like Ski Ball (which I must say I am quite prodigious at). I was more concerned with the piss-level arcade than Beefcake, who came off as kind of a dick not willing to look people in the eye. I did catch a glimpse of Sunny and also wished I had worn looser pants. Dan Severn was signing authographs and, according to Adam and friend Tim, he is quite a cool gentlemen. Greg Valentine appeared to be in a lot of pain and I didn't know whether to be ecstatic or depressed upon laying my eyes upon him. As I wandered around the decrepit skating rink, my eyes welled a bit, wandering and wondering if tomorrow will be as magical as tonight. I also stepped in vomit.

Jess: I was feeling nostalgia creep upon me like a winter cold as we pulled up, immediately I had to park my car up on a grassy knoll when some beefy dude in cutoff denim shorts told us we were about to get towed. Brian went in and picked up our tix, as I parked the car down a dark street. We come in the building greeted by 3 teenage couples making out then wandered into the skating rink. All the legends were around shilling pictures and autographs, the closest to us was Beefcake and Greg Valentine. Brother Bruti was wearing a Cosby Sweater on his back; looked like Bigfoot's nutsack. Got sort of a prickish vibe off him. The Hammer looked severely uncomfortable and in pain. Demolition went scant on the facepaint, as Smash seemed to be enoying himself but Ax looked woeful and we pondered whether he had a bigger cup size than Sunny. Sunny looked damn good and after getting a peek at her, i went to find a seat so as not to bump into any cretin roaming the floor with a massive boner. Before the show started, some fuckstain turned on a smoke machine and the whole rink looked like a war zone in Afghanistan, despite choking on it, at least I could barely see some of the other people there.

1. "Shady" Chris Zion vs. "The Virus" Parker James J: 2 A: 2 G: 2 B: 1

Jess: This wasn't good by any stretch of the imagination, Zion came out with not 1 but 2 indy heel managers in suits, talk about overkill. James pulled off a pretty sweet springboard at one point but Zion struggled even taking a correct back bump and I made the comment "First & last match"

Adam: Quite terrible actually. Zion came out wearing what I think was an ICP t-shirt. I laughed quite loudly when Zion fucked up taking a back drop. I think this match may have fulfilled the phys ed requirement that these guys needed to graduate. Well, it was either that or badminton.

Geo: Zion looks like a half-aborted fetus on the way to the morgue. He took a backdrop and got his feet tangled in the ropes. Demoltition Ax takes bigger shits that this kid. James didn't really do a whole lot that was memorable other than look like an idiot.

Brian: This was as about as offensive as a Daniel Tosh stand-up comedy routine or Ax's newfound bust size. This was as clunky as your girlfriend's technique while playing Mortal Kombat 3 where she crushes buttons and embarrasses you in-front of your buddies. One of these guys ate a backdrop bump so poorly that I swore he had whiplash and I laughed hysterically. Ugliest running bulldog I've ever seen. Two guys that weighed about 130lbs. appearing to be not a day shy of the spring formal just renders any believability that this isn't a con right out the fucking window.

Heel promo w/ Cletus T. Coletrain and Sgt. Ledbetter

Brian: Watching Sgt. Ledbetter work the stick is about as charming as an ovarian cyst. Marty Jannetty's Internet title was stripped and handed to Ledbetter. Only thing Marty knows the Internet is good for is grainy video clips of girls chomping on turds and trying to hit on your aunt on eHarmony. Cletus looked like Max Hardcore's biker uncle and just a complete scumbag. His hygiene was more devastating than a Sendai tsunami. I've seen 19-year old Jack Russell terriers with better grey beards. He wore Salvation Army shorts and a fisher's cap to which I said, "Only thing he was fishing for was loose change out in the parking lot".

Adam: Holy fuck, this Cletus guy looked like he just stumbled from the moonshine stills of eastern Kentucky. At one point I remarked to Geo "What trailer do you suppose that he crawled out from under?" This Ledbetter fella, or Bedwetter as we took to calling him throughout the show, was leaving Facebook comments on the DWA page in character in the weeks leading up to the show. Fuck man, don't you have anything better to do? I would think that watching "Maid in Manhattan" and waxing your carrot whenever J-Lo is on screen would be a better pastime than that. The promos from both guys were completely indecipherable aside from the point where Ledbetter said "Everyone here better shut up or I'll break you hip!" Really dude? You sound like a third grader trading insults. I laughed so hard from that comment that my face hurt. Cletus should go back to bumming change in front of Reds games and bathing in the Ohio River. Was this really suppose to accomplish anything?

Jess: Seeing Cletus come out, Hawaiian shirt and all , like Jimmy Buffet’s old withered alcoholic binged uncle (who’s had sexual misconduct charges, TWICE!) walk out with a title around his shoulder made me wince, shudder and laugh out loud all at the same time. Don’t know who the fuck he was supposed to be, but he handed over their “Internet” title to Ledbetter, who disgraces the harmony-laden Pearl Jam song he’s named after. He was out with a large faction of douches who were so ingratiated in purple, they could have been Barney’s illegitimate children after he procreated with some asshole he met at the playground he used to stalk during his height of popularity in the mid 90’s. Complete waste of time after the show started an hour late anyways. Thanks dicks.

Geo: I loved Cletus. He reminded me that my life isn't so bad. Bedwetter looked like a subpar Brain Damage and probably suffered from such. The hip comment made me roll, and I believe we all stuck our hips out to be broken by this badass. He sounded as confident on the mic as an obese red-haired child asking the hot blond out on a date. I had to wipe the tears from my eyes in order to continue with the rest of the night. I love you Cletus, you piece of shit. Crackpipes up!

2. "Venum" Eric Trice vs. A referee, A plant, and Dan Severn in a Gauntlet Match- J: 1 A: 1 G: 1 B: 1

Geo: Trice got some pops from us due to his gangster fucking music. Shit was hot. He seemed okay on the stick, but dude, those Spidey pants aren't doing any favors. We all loved the symbolic heel turn when he took off his Spidey trunks to reveal black Venom trunks. DIG IT! He raped a referee and then Dan Severn raped him. Too much raping. Sevs took his liberties with the young man, which we all enjoyed.

J: We couldn’t hear a damn word this guy was saying as he came out, but dug his Spidey apparel. He then did one of the greatest heel turns in history (any one know why? Or care?) as he pulled down the red webbed trunks to reveal……Symbiote Spidey trunks! Amazing! Excelsior! Sorry, we popped due to sheer lameness. Dug him throttling the inane ref, then two massive blobs of human waste in security shirts plodded around ringside, as I screamed at one of them to get in, and sure enough in he walked only to be schooled as he most assuredly was in Junior high. Then The Beast arrived- for someone with the charisma of a head of lettuce, Severn had the place rocking, and he quickly disposed of Trice with a Dragon sleeper.

Adam: I've seen Trice before in HWA and he's not half bad. However, I'm left scratching my head as to exactly how he would up in this fed. Dug the Spiderman trunks but that's just about the only thing he had going for him. Referee sold his beating like the wacky, waving, inflatable arm flailing tube men that you see in front of car dealerships where they are trying to sucker some poor bloke into buying the cheapest piece of shit on the lot. I wished the security guy would've laid on the train tracks that ran next to the building. Him getting hit by some oncoming freight would've been a hell of a lot more entertaining than this. Severn came in, just as we predicted, and didn't break a sweat while ripping Trice's nutsack off.

Brian: Trice is in Spider-Man garb and I yell loudly "Hey! Your Aunt May just called, you've got to go quick, Uncle Ben's in trouble!" Trice went on to quickly dismantle a couple of stooges. A referee climbed in-between the ropes with a face that looked like a vagina covered in wet sand. Dan Severn lumbered out to a surprising "Beast! Beast!" chant I subverted to "Yeast!" only to see the error of my ways and save that chant for Sunny.

3. Demolition vs. Brutus Beefcake & Greg Valentine A: 3 G: 3 B: 4 J:4

Brian: This is why we all made the trip. These guys, combined, have been at tons of WrestleMania shows and there was a lot of history in the ring. Valentine would probably have a cocaine addiction if he could bare to see his reflection in a mirror. Beefcake had pierced nipples and melanoma. Ax had the biggest set of man tits, or "moobs", I've ever seen. This was announced as having a ten-minute time-limit and after 30 sec. over the house mic someone announced "8 minutes remaining!" What the fuck? Never trust a hidden voice's timepiece. I think that's a lesson my grandpa taught me. When they announced there's 2 min. left it was clear they were gassed and just done and a meandering brawl fizzled out. Highlights were, of course, Valentine's stiffness. He laid in his chops and elbow drops and it was glorious. The real fun was post-match, us and a few other loud locals chanted "Figure four! Figure four!" and then "Sleeper hold! Sleeper hold!" and Valentine and Beefcake were caught off-guard and seemed genuinely surprised and somewhat humbled and took our special requests locking in their trademark moves to a hapless ref that likely missed his nephew's birthday to pick Severn up from the airport.

Jess: Amen to that. Beefcake was at the first 6, Valentine at the first 7, and Demolition as a team at Manias 4-7 so lots of history here. It was going to be fun regardless to see these guys work but them being right next to where we were lounging for the show was even more stupendous. Beefcake was chatting with someone about how’s the the Hogan buddy that’s in shape, not like fatty Knobs. We saw Valentine 6 years ago at a local county fair and he looked broken down then; Brian said after the match, he swore he saw a tear roll down Valentine’s cheek; wonder if Greg even knew. The match was fun for what it was, time trickery and all. Valentine can still lay them in, getting in and out of the ring was the difficult part. The match sort of ended abruptly with about 1 min left, so Smash lumbered back inside for some more tepid brawling as Ax just caught his breath outside. Everyone loves to see a ref get his, so when the crowd, with our section leading the Figure Four changes, started rabidly shouting out that move, Valentine, I think, I couldn’t be sure, cracked the smallest of smiles and obliged, in character. Beefcake relished putting a sleeper on the hapless whelp. Sad thing is, that bday party he missed, he ended up keeping the Thomas the Tank Engine jammies for himself.

Adam: Hard to believe but this is the third time I've seen Valentine in this area alone. The last time was for the absolutely wretched previous incarnation of this company when he was hobbled up with a knee injury. The match was fun, just about what was to be expected for these legends. I think there was one bump total in the bout, which was one more than Geo and I expected there to be. Beefcake and Valentine came out to that highly overrated "Bad to the Bone" song and I was thoroughly disappointed because they didn't use the old WWF music. However, they got it right for Demolition and when the familiar chords of "Here comes the Ax/Here comes the Smash" started blaring throughout the arena, I felt like I was in another world and it brought a big smile to my face. As soon as they announced the match was a 10-minute time limit, I immediately thought draw. Guess what, that's what happened. Beefcake was unimpressive and but Valentine threw some hard shots, probably the best shots of the night. I was sad that Demolition didn't do their trademark finish from back in the day. Ending was great with us just egging on Beefcake and Valentine to do the figure-4 and the sleeper hold to the poor referee. I could tell they were just having fun and eating it up. You're right Jess, I do think the crusty, grumpy old Valentine cracked a smile. I think Beefcake did too. I enjoyed it immensely and felt the magic in the air as they wrapped up their performances. Poor referee, not only did he probably miss said birthday party but he'll be thinking back on this night years from now, when he's writing his suicide note while wearing said Thomas the Tank Engine jammies and hanging himself in the office of this decreped skating rink.

Geo: Thank God for this. If it wasn't for this bout, I probably would've walked home after that last showing. Valentine's stiffness was great, as was Demolition's performance. They can still go. Beefcake looked more gassed than a 90-year-old woman after eating a can of Busch's Baked Beans. I loved the nostalgic feel to this, making me shout, "Where's Mr. Fuji?!" I miss that old guy. The ref got shit upon by all the guys, taking all the finishers including a figure four and a sleeper hold. Loved that. Poor guy. Really fun showing by these tough old bastards. Valentine looked like he got hit by a bus afterward.

Intermission

Geo: During the autograph signing, Valentine looked like he was on the verge of tears. Brian stated he saw a lone tear roll down his cheek. You and me both, Hammer, you and me both. Wanted to play Crusin' USA really bad.

Brian: This was as surreal as Gary Busey buttfucking Count Dooku. This dragged on forever like a Brett Ratner film. We'd worked ourselves in a raucous energy I believe subconsciously counterbalancing the bad wrestling by creating our own fun but us and the rest of those in attendance died a slow languish death. They stalled forever letting all the "legends" rob lower class locals out of $10 for a signed 8x10 glossy print. I guess Beefcake needed some new jewelry for his nipple piercing. Geo and I got separated from the pack and ventured outside the building for fresh air but was greeted by a mob of chain smokers. I wonder if any of them have filed their taxes yet. I talked to Smash, telling him I just watched a ton of the old Disney tapings of WCW where he debuted as Blacktop Bully blowing an air-horn and harassing the faces. He said that was a lot of fun and was genuinely nice so he earns some bonus points with me. Before they wrapped up I went over to Beefcake and said, "How sore was your back after carrying David Sammartino at WrestleMania I?", he paused, I thought he was blowing me off, but then he muttered "My back's strong, brother" which wasn't the answer I was expecting.

Jess: My god this was longer than Sunny’s last yearly by that strange, seemingly incapable doctor unable to tell if he felt lumps or not. Demolition, gassed and sucking so much air they almost took out the whole rink of oxygen deprivation stood directly behind us after their match. A couple of us went up to them, just to soak them in (I could have used a stiff drink after that) and I briefly told Smash I enjoyed the performance and it was great to see them; as Brian said, he seemed in a good mood, stating “That was different wasn’t it? Fun though.” I milled about the trolls as a true warlock would, searching for some water then ended up standing right next to Dan Severn as I listened in, feeling sort of like he was a revered grandfather telling stories and passing wisdom, amongst them, his lifelong dedication to the martial arts, stories about his UFC titles, dissing Brock Lesnar and how he got the Beast nickname. I took in more than a few glances of Sunny as well, which cleared the head. Joined back up with the guys and everyone seemed in generally good spirits, Brian and I had nearly lost our voices but as the Dream Team packed up, we had to go over and say something; Beefcake modestly shook my hand, and I immediately knew he was wishing I’d passed him a $5 spot but I shared this moment with Valentine, who was sitting there, completely worn out, his eyes almost closed like a Sharpe puppy, and I shook his hand, then strangely found myself rubbing his shoulder, telling him his classic Dog Collar match with Piper all those years ago still stands up as one of the greatest of all time. He nodded his head, thanked me and said that meant a lot to him. I sincerely hope it did. Brian and I were saying how that film “The Wrestler” well shit, it’s sitting right in front of us, with it’s knees taped like a mummy and it’s breathing is labored and shallow.

Adam: Why was this so damn long? Was having a 30-45 minute intermission after two terrible matches and one decent bout really necessary? Tim and I chatted with our old middle school science teacher about days long gone and what possessed him to come to the Skateway for some horrific indy wrestling. Sunny and Severn were all cheery with the fans. I'd met Valentine back in '09 and he was rather grumpy then and still seemed the same way now. Numerous times I noticed him counting the cash he'd made. My voice was nearly gone from the previous bout so I went to the concession stand to grab a bottle of water. I was a bit hungry as well so I grabbed a slice of pizza while I was up there. Pizza wasn't bad, actually way better than I expected it to be. I saw so many mutants and freaks roaming around it wasn't even funny. Took a gander at the so-called "merch" table that was set up. Noticed it was a bunch of badly printed and overpriced DWA t-shirts and immediately walked away. By the time intermission was over, the crowd was completely drained and they never recovered.

In ring promo w/ Sunny

Adam: This amounted to exactly jack shit. She came out, rambled for a bit, mentioned something about wanting to go back to WWE, and then introduced "Frontman" Evan DaMalice and Erico. I guess there was supposed to be a match here but some bullshit ensued where the opposing team was counted out and Sunny's team was declared the winner by forfeit. Everyone just looked at each other strangely afterward and the wrestlers just left.

Brian: I couldn't believe we were coming back from a ridiculously long intermission with mic work. Sunny's had so many black dicks in her pussy it should have its own horn section.

Jess: Haha, that’s hilarious. Yeah this was awful. Sunny, like most other forgotten entities of the past in wrestling, just pandered and hinted around she’d want to get back in WWE; good thing Vince sent that spy with a hidden microphone to this show just in case anyone said those words. We kept noticing Sunny venture to the bathroom a lot; all of us at one point got the notion to sneak in after her with a proposition and glazing her million dollar cans but on second thought, there was probably some dude more desperate than us already in there waiting.

Geo: I couldn't understand anything. I enjoyed the view.

4. DWA Title: Sgt. Ledbetter vs. Dan Severn A: 1 J:1 B: 1 G: 1

Geo: This was odd. Ledbetter tried talking shit but shit was actually the only thing that ended up spewing out of his mouth. Severn came in and gave him a few chops and a hiptoss and locked on some tight submish maneuevers. We were popping hardcore. Severn beat LEDBETS for the title. Does this mean he's coming back?! DAAAAAAAA~!@!

Adam: Ledbetter got beaten like a red-headed step-child. More effort was put out here than Severn put out in the first bout he "wrestled" in as he actually took a bump or two. Crowd was popping like crazy when he came out and even more when he mauled Ledbetter. Not sure where Ledbetter came from but I wish he would go back. Sounded on the mic like he was some hick who loves NASCAR, chewing tobacco, and drug deals in the park late at night. Go back to being a whiny little bitch on Facebook you fucking nimrod. Fun fact: The DWA put this over on their website as a "long, hard fought match". HA! HA! Don't know what kind of shit they're smoking but I assure you I want no part of it.

Brian: Sgt. Ledbetter looks like something you'd find in a mop closet. Even a blind man could see that he owns a majority share of this "company" and it's a vanity project as at one point he had multiple championship belts strung across his shoulders. He could have been in the old Misfits In Action faction, getting Private Stash his coffee and blueberry scone each morning, and changing the water in General Hugh G. Rection's bong. Severn going over leads you to believe he'll be at their next show but logic and rational thought have been proven to not be southern Ohio independent wrestling's strong-suit. I'd rather see Severn trying to wrestle one of Sunny's big, fake fun bags out of her tight top than Ledbetter pretending to be a wrestler.

Jess: Someone should get Ledbetter a more qualified book keeper; he’s spending as much on former stars and title belts than on an actual roster and production. I’m not sure how many different titles I saw people come out with but it felt like WWE 2001. There wasn’t a soul (cold or otherwise) in the building that gave a shit about Ledbetter’s monologue. Severn came out to a monstrous pop, or as big a one you can receive in a skating rink. Severn did a little selling here, not shabby until crinkling Led’s neck like he unpacked his dress shirts from his suitcase at the hotel. Chances of Severn coming back to defend that title: about as good as saying Sunny didn’t get laid that night. If I were a psychic of some sort, I could see Dan and Marty Jannetty out in a pup tent, doing psychotropic drugs and eating Hostess Snowballs waiting for a monsoon to blow them out of this world as a better shot than either man coming back to defend the glorious belt they won at a skating rink.

5. DWA Tag Title: "The Frontman" Evan DaMalice & Erico vs. Purple Reign J:2 B: 2 A: 1 G: 3

Jessie: Purple Reign are Ledbetter’s buddies, one’s a Kid Rock ripoff if Kid Rock was doughy and pockmarked, the other looked like one of the cast of Tyler Perry’s House of Payne. They didn’t even come out to “Purple Rain” instead another Prince song, one that was used during 1989’s Batman when Nicholson was having an art orgasm destroying stuff. Erico was a guy we were ripping for using a pink Target towel as his shirt, he just cut a hole in it. He ran through the crowd sporting a Tyson facial tatt. The Frontman was such an apt name John Steinbeck couldn’t have penned it better. Evan was a fatty no doubt, but 80% of that weight just resided in a heavy mountainous load hanging right over his crotch. Sunny managed them for the night, putting them (and herself ) over as the best team in Ohio. That’s like saying I’m the nicest person on Death Row, as if it actually counts for anything. I don’t remember much about the match, honestly, I was on a high from the strange night’s festivities. I remember thinking Sunny’s team looked better than Rain, who were bumbling around the ring like the crew of Jackass in the back of that semi truck with the lights turned out.

Brian: I was looking as forward to this as Sunny is her next HIV test. Erico was literally wearing a bath towel over his head with a hole cut out. His facial tattoo was saying inmate but his dangly blonde hair was saying trailer park. I weighed on the side of safety and just went with the middle option: molester. DeMalice had the biggest front-butt I've ever seen. It looked like he literally had a ghetto booty hanging over what presumably was a crotch. Purple Reign weren't all bad, taking some fairly acceptable bumps, stooging, etc. but at this point most of us had mentally checked out after a surreal night or squirrel scat.

Adam: Brian's right, by this point, we were all drained and just mentally tired. This DaMalice character was in with the previous version of this company and looked just as awful here as he did then. "Front Man" describes the fat fucker quite well. The bolbous extrusion of fat hanging over his crotch region was vomit inducing. Twenty minutes on a stairmaster would probably kill the poor bastard. His partner, Erico, was skinny as a bean pole and had the white trash haircut down pat. The Purple Reign dudes worked the heel tactics well but these all these guys in the ring worked as well together as frozen fish and a dog turd would. Heel turn by Erico after a badly botched move from DaMalice. We bailed as a post-match beatdown was happening in the ring, complete with bad stomps and equally shitty mic work.

Geo: I still have no idea what to make of this. The heel turn at the end just came out of left field. I have a feeling that if I would have actually been following the company. Now I will say that there was some fun stuff happening in this match, but I really can't recall much of it because I was standing on the bench looking down Sunny's halter top. Eoico hit some halfway decent offense... and by "halfway decent" I mean I didn't cringe while watching. This match and the legends tag were actually the only two watchable matches in the entire program, to be honest. Really was hoping Sunny would take off her shirt. We took the fuck off once the bell sounded at the end (which, by the way, THERE WAS NO BELL). I, too, felt mentally checked out after the night, and was quite looking forward to getting the hell home.

3 comments:

Jessie said...

God this was a lot of fun, the show and the review

Adam said...

Good work by everyone! I think reading the review was more fun than the show.

Adam said...

Just re-read this for the first time in a while and got a really good laugh. So many classic lines to mention.