EVOLVE 5

Still Evolving baby....follow that evolution chart all the way to Muneori Sawa's crib

1) Chuck Taylor v. Mike Quackenbush- 4
2) Cheech & Cloudy v. Flip Kendrick & Louis Lyndon- 3
3) Jimmy Jacobs v. Adam Cole- 5
4) Sami Callihan v. Drake Younger- 4
5) Brad Allen v. Johnny Gargano v. Gran Akuma v. Jon Moxley v. Frightmare v. Rich Swann- 2
5) Mercedes Martinez v. Amazing Kong- 4
6) Kyle O"Reilly v. Ricochet- 3
7) Bryan Danielson v. Muneori Sawa- 5

Opening match features some Chiks (probably more clever in my head) Taylor's turning into quite the smarmy heel, guy could use a physique though. Little less Chicken McNugget Happy Meals and little more Stairmaster. I don't like when Quack does these intricate reversals and isn't even looking at his opponent when he comes at him? Does he have a third eye like the reptilian Tuatura? He does a Asai moonsault outside with balls hanging out, dear God, concussion city on the end of that one. I freakin love springboard moves- I do not like when the guy stands waiting as if trying to remember if he turned off the coffee machine. Good bit of story with the seatbelts rollup working, but I think the thing I want to know more than anything coming out of our opener is this: Chuck Taylor- Napoleon Dynamite, twins seperated at birth?

If there's 1 guy that could bring Karate back to the forefront of the world's mind, it's Louis Lyndon, sorry GSP. I jest, I get a kick out of his shtick. For some reason Cheech & Cloudy are that smaller team that shows up everywhere on the indys I don't mind. Them vs. Fantastics would be a fun way to kill 15 minutes. Flip Kendrick is in constant motion, rolling around like Sonic the Hedgehog. Liked the big kick combo in the corner from Up in Smoke, as Kendrick sells a huge savate kick as if Cheech let off a fart stemming from his arugala & blue cheese crumble salad from lunch. Match just went through the paces with a not a lot meaning much of anything, Finish I can take or leave, they had Kendrick hoisted up as if he was crowd surfing at a Dinosaur jr concert in '92, Seattle. Really goofy interview afterwards where now "crotching" a guy on the top buckle is a huge crime.

Feel free to disagree with me here, wrestling community (it's one of the things we do best) but with Jimmy Jacobs diversity, in both ability and personality, I really think it's a crime he's not been picked up by now. I know he's short but you're telling me you can make more money with Curt Hawkins? Rant aside, opening is what I think the opener tried to achieve, fun brisk armdrag sequence with both guys looking like they were in competition, not at a practice sesh. Reminds me of those damn Crist brothers, practicing their shit in a ring for 3 hours prior to a small indy show I worked with them. Give me a break...well, shit a 2nd rant and I've barely covered this match. It's coming, let me grab some Pringles and delve back in. Okay Cole looks identical to Chuck Taylor except even less muscle. Liked the transition into Jimmy's front choke but hated how Cole could just suplex him out of it; you're telling me no one else ever thought of that? You think American citizens like to eat? Well hell yeah we do but look at Jacobs; he's eating superkicks and German suplexes as well as anyone could chew through a fast food combo on 5 out of 7 days. Finish was smooth and worked. Nice job.

Sami v. Drake is a death match fan's dream, more than likely so is touching a woman's sexy flesh pocket and collecting the latest Elder Scolls expansion, but in the end this is a pure hard hitting wrestling match that never quite works in the end. Sami has so much enthusiasm in every single second of his performance. Younger, to me, still needs seasoning, not like a nice pork roast, but more as in needs a year or two more to develop some huge holes in his game; namely, how to sell. There's a spot where Sami is just piecing him in the face, punch after punch, and you'll see Drake acts as if there isn't a human being connecting knuckle to cheek on him. It's really stupid looking, for lack of use of a better insult. Later on, Drake shows some frustration, the one and only time you believe he's not a Surrogate (Bruce Willis reference) I don't know what crazy name it has but Sami's running version of Manami Toyota's shoulder suplex into the buckle rips my pants open in excitement.

Anybody buy that special DGUSA golden pass so they can come watch one of those huge multi-man FRAY matches? I imagine if you did, this is your cup of tea. Me, I don't drink tea and I didn't like this. Dive spot, one move per guy, then drops out of match, hardly any selling, checklist complete.

Still can't believe Bubba the fucking Love Sponge tried to start shit with Kong. This match kind of ruled, Kong's became a master of working against tough smaller opponents and making it seem like a legit fight, which was Vader's bread and butter. Great dive outside, wonder what local pool or nightclub she used to practice that at. Kong ate it like Rhaka Khan devoured Kurt Angle's pill supply before they broke up and pressed charges.

Couple fun moments here, first was Ricochet trying to break his neck by way of steel guard rail with a crazy triple flip outside. How did it make sense inside their match? Not much but was still pretty to look at. It actually didn't detract that bad, this was just a showcase for Ricochet though.

Does Sawa have the green stone from the much malinged Sega Gensis puzzle game "Columns" on his tights? Was looking forward to this to see Danielson before he became consumed in Entertainment, and damn he doesn't disappoint. Everyone remembers him having these really long scientific matches but he gets so much joy out of inflicting punishment on his opponent for long periods in the beginning. Danielson brings a saving grace on his side, all his MMA counters. If you've taken some classes from the local gym, why not add it in as a stipulation. Since I've tried unsuccessfully to download StrikeForce 1 three times now, my empty gas takn for MMA inspired beatings is sorely low. About halfway through, they start slapping each other like filming has begun (and I don't doubt this) for Jackass 4. One of them tells Danielson, "oh shit, we need to finish this story up," as I'm really not sure where it's going. Well it goes into a LeBell Lock, ode to Daniel Bryan. One thing that detracts from this is at no point did I feel like Sawa was winning, even when they exchanged the always exciting Abdominal Stretch.