Wednesday, December 12, 2007

UPW: Truth or Consequences

This is one of those shows that is filmed from the rafters and the announcers do commentary to the crowd instead of for the home video release. Should be interesting.

1 Donovan Morgan v. Navajo Warrior- 3
2 Evolution (Kazarian/ Tech 9) v. Cubanitos (Ricky Reyes/ Rocky Romero)- 4
3 Texas Outlaws v. Shchwag's Army (Keiji Sakoda/ Drunk Irishman)- 1
4 Mikey Henderson v. Taka Michinoku- 5
5 Ballard Brothers v. Smelly/ Chris Bell v. Tom Howard/ some muscle bound roid freak- 1
6 Vic Grimes v. Hardkore Kidd (Hardcore Match)- 4
7 Smooth Billy D v. Damien Steele- 2
8 Prototype v. Bad Boy ?- 2
9 Samoa Joe v. Staj the Russian Nightmare- 2
10 Kurt Angle v. Christopher Daniels- 6

This show opened with the owner dancing around with a midget and 2 Ho's (one was Victoria) in a daunting red light. If i wanted a hallucogenic experience, i would have paid good money for it from this guy i know who gets his shit from downtown- but i wanted wrestling, damn it, so bring someone out who will punch another guy in skimpy shorts in the face!

The first match featured perennial NOAH grappler Morgan against the latest stereotypical Indian warrior. The match was centered around both guys trying to work the other's legs but nothing was done with crispness or with any emotion. The following tag was really fast paced and had tons of innovative moves and double teams. Nice to see the Rottweilers pre-ROH. Schwag's army was a joke- Sakoda has had far too much time in the sun for so little skills and his partner was actually called the Drunk Irishman- as if he had no other name. He stumbled around the ring like Scott Hall in his holding cell waiting for his wife to come bail him out so he can ulimately slap her around and get incarcerated again.

It was nice seeing Taka in action and he got a lot of musclebound Mikey, who could fly and bump pretty well. Makes you wonder where he is today. Taka's palm heels are a must see, but the cheap finish was pretty indy. The 3 way tag featured a manager, some token Canadian hockey players in the wrong sport, a musclebound circus freak who belongs on the show "Carnivale" and a guy named Smelly in track pants. This made me want to shut mouse traps on my pupils. This was a fucking insult to wrestling fans everywhere to try and pass this off as a Tag Team Title Match. I nearly turned off the DVD. Vicious Vic tries to squeeze what's left out of the Hardcore scene in wrestling and Ironing Board! Congrats, Vic,you schelp! He grabs an overweight foozeball Champion right out of the "Ultimate University" this fed's training school and parades him through a few weapon shots. All in all, Grimes bumped well but this match was about as fresh as Grandma's diaper.

"Smooth" Billy D looked like Shelton Benjamin's lankier brother who sits at home and plays World of Warcraft all day. His gimmick is he wears a fake Afro and it gets him pumped up to do a top rope dropkick. Steele is a pretty plain villain with not much going for him, so he can't lead this rookie punk to anything resemebling a good contest. A chair shot finish wins. My God, Cena is so incredibly juiced up, i can't even believe it's the same person. He has definitley cut back since making it to the big leauges. Cena is so large he's nearly immoblie and his opponent looks like they've shared a few needles. This barely resemebled an athletic contest. I'm going to steal an line from an old UPW review i wrote: "Just because he's wearing a tropical shirt with palm trees on it, are we supposed to believe this guy is Samoan?" Guess i was wrong because he actually is. This Russian prick is all kinds of pumped, like a young Brakus and Joe is bumping all over for him like his name was Mikey Whipwreck circa '96. The Schwag Army was at ringside, making fan boys all over the arena feel manly. Joe hadn't figured out his bad ass character at this time, instead opting for college hippie messed up haircut and thrift store ring gear. This was short and pretty devoid of anything fun. Daniels and Angle meshed supremely well together, as you would imagine, and this was one of the few matches missing interference or foreign objects. They actually let the guys do their damn job! Both men have great reversals and they put together some nice sequences. They looked like professionals, where as most of the talent looked like green, wet behind the ears rookies. It probably went around 12 to 13 minutes, which could have been longer, but they didn't really work much technical, so it paced out nicely. One of the sole bright spots of this pretty wretched show.

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